BigG1986
Please accept my apologies. I'm having a bad day and i've still got to go to the opera...
(deaglun, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 18:27, Reply)

A bit of a stretch but.....................
She was only the welder's daughter but she had acetylene tits.





Girth, every time they want girth!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 18:12, Reply)

BIGG1986
aaah, don't pick on him, he's new! only just lost his b3ta virginity too!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 18:08, Reply)

BigG1986
In the message you posted about how big your knob is, you say that you are 6'5. It says on your profile that you're 6'2. Am I to believe anything in your eastenders post? Has all the (perhaps fictitious) rugby playing knocked out a vertebrate or just brain cells?

Length? I have my doubts.
(deaglun, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 17:51, Reply)

More Recent
On saturday gon as i'm tempe]oraly stayin in glasgow i decided to enjoy a night of clubbin after many bottles of gaymers and chattin with my cousins a young lady approached me on the dance floor, just the my cousin came sweepin in and reminded me that i was on the dance floor on the way to the toilet when i returned from said toilet the girl was gone, my cousin informed me she went home coz she woz drunk but while waitin outside i saw her agin turned out my cousin lied t stop me gettin any action although i cant remeber what she looked like i'm sure she was ok'ish but my cousin ashures me she was a bint. oh and for people commenting about my Eastenders Post i wasnt tryin to boast mearly write down what happened on my first time. turns out i'm actully average but i had just grown up quicker than most other boys my age
(BigG1986, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 17:35, Reply)

Fear
i think fear is the reason im still a virgin.

Coming from Southend the fear of the infested girls ruined many opportunities, but this one is my favourite.

Dans le nightclub.

Hot girl (i had a few but she was definately hot) approaches and askes if i was a model. to which i reply "seriously? you must be desperate" god what an answer!!!1!one1!
despite that she continued to talk to me as i told her that i was infact an underwear model. after a grope she agreed and offered a 3-some back at hers with a slightly less attractive mate (but i still would in my condition). all i had to do was meet them outside when everyone left.

Queue excitement, confusion, fear and panic. needless to say i needed to get home as it was a 20minute walk so i left at 1.30 so i could get a lift home from a friend.

I like to think that they waited... but probably found another victim.

insert penis (joke) here
(bacneman, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:43, Reply)

Awwww man....
This one makes me want to weep tears of blood every time...

Myself and two mates went off to a gig while still of school age. That in itself wasn't a problem, we looked a bit older than we were and so of we went, got right down the front for the support band (who, to divert somewhat turned out to be one of my favourite bands ever afterwards). As we were waiting for them, a very attractive young lady approached me and pointed out that I had a (not uncommon) Converse T-Shirt on and she had (even less uncommon) Converse shoes on. So, we started chatting, not caring how three lads and two girls was going to work. We found out they were Uni students, who had a car and driven from Southampton (we were in Portsmouth). Holy Mother of God... They were gorgeous, and they were at University, and the had a CAR. It was all going really well, then the first band came on.

I love Six By Seven more than any other band ever, but that first time I saw them completely knocked us all sideways. They were brilliant.

Afterwards, when we could talk again (too loud before y'see), we got chatting again, asked how old they were (20 and 21) and they asked the same question in return. My response:

"Well, I'm NEARLY 17."

They couldn't have gotten out of the way quicker. Why of WHY did I not lie?
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Morality
My friend has just taken a job in Nigeria and is currently forced to endure almost nightly power cuts, which make for interesting candle light conversations.

As you'll probably know, there is a great deal of AIDS in the country and one of the curbing measures they attempt is to try and promote a sense of sexual morality in order to prevent sex before marriage.

Apparently, according to a local my mate is staying with, one of these stories is this:

They'd tell you that the Archangel Gabriel gathered up every single sperm which you spilled outside marriage, and saved them in the flames of hell for the day of judgement. Then when you died and arrived in hell and asked for water, they'd serve you a cup brimming with a lifetime's worth of your own scaldingly hot spunk.

Oh, if only I'd known this before...
(pastypits, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:34, Reply)

Eastenders - for people with attention deficit disorder
I got a big knob.
( Spackweasel - because weasels get Downs Syndrome too, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Eastenders ... for those with less time.
A girl I liked asked me round to watch Eastenders with her as a pretext for sex. I couldn't, however, because my schlong is so huge. I later found a lady who could accomodate me, but my pals remind me of that time by humming the 'Enders theme tune.
(frankspencer, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:30, Reply)

Eastenders - with subtitles
Well, when I was 15 I really liked this girl. I didn't like her boyfriend as he and saw life differently. She and I seemed to get on okay and I wondered perchance whether she was interested in me in a more physical way. One evening, after she had a row with him I understand she telephoned lots of people to look for some company. She got to me eventually and I agreed to let her come round and watch an episode of my favourite East End of London based Soap Opera. During the programme we engaged in a little light fumbling and she shocked me by stating she had brought some Durex with her. She was clearly intent on carnal knowledge of me.

Now I am quite tall and have big feet and I will state here and now that I have a massive penis so the penetration was problematic to say the least. Still she seemed to enjoy it and told all of her friends. It was some time before I found someone big enough that it would go right in. For some reason all my friends had to strap planks to their arses or they would have fallen in.

Anyway, when I walk into my local pub they still hum the theme tune at me which, for some inexplicable reason, makes me smile.

Big up the 1986 massive.
( Spackweasel - because weasels get Downs Syndrome too, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:22, Reply)

Well....
She was only a Roofers daughter
But she liked her Asfelt

Budum toosh
(Bob Catshit, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:18, Reply)

i was a greedy bitch's bit on the side for 3 months, everything but teh sex
am i the only one who can't read what's written below?
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:08, Reply)

Eastenders
back in days of yore when i was a young lad at the tender age of 15, there was this girl in school. i hated her B/f he was a stuck up twunt, but his g/f would occasionaly hang out with me and ma mat as she would always be fallin out with him coz she fancied goin to a different butchers for her pork as it were. Anyway one he and her fall out and she rings around but everyone is busy but me so i tell here to come ova. Now this girl is known for gettin around a bit and is 2yrs older than me so she came round, and asked if she could watch eastenders coz it was an important episode me being a gentleman said "No Probs". but by the ime eastenders came on we'd been fumbling for about 45mins when she said "I've Got Condoms". Go on my son woz the chant in my head i though fan-bloomin-tastic so i'm all prepaired and ready. Now Is Where it turns you i have an overactive growth hormone and am rather tall and large in all areas i.e size 13 feet and 6'5 but im put together like a rugby player (coz i am one) so i'm a big boy as it were and you guessed it it was like trying to squeeze a needle through the eye of a needle so i neve got to lose it then, on the other had it was gr8 my popularity went up tenfold as she told all her mate about it so they all wanted to try it would be a year later befor i could find sumone to accomadate, and still to this day when i walk into my local all the guy do th dum dum dum dum dum dum, easterenders theme an it still brings a smile to my face
(BigG1986, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 16:06, Reply)

DustyMonkey
It's nice to think that all the women who act like such bitches find themselves 10 years on thinking "I could just do with a nice, supportive honest bloke to settle down and have kids with now." Only to realise that they chucked just such a bloke for the chance of some (probably rubbish) teenage nookie. Meanwhile all the nice boys have found women who are actually worth their time,


or turned gay.
(flimflam_machine, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 15:58, Reply)

could have done it loads before it happened
i nearly lost mine at several parties whilst being incredibly drunk and out of it, however i have a very good mate who always looked out for me and saved my modesty (my actual "loss" well it was taken but thats fuck all to do with any of you)

So cheers dude you know who you are, and if there had been anyone at the time i would have wanted to to be you know it would have been you, but thats what 15 year olds get up to isnt it. There have been loads of people i have had rude thoughts about and some with whom i have follwed those thoughts up, and in about 9 out of 10 cases (speculation will get you nowhere) the fantasy was better than the reality, and no matter how many, "we were getting hot and heavy, and i could tell she was enjoying it when i lost it blah blah blah" stoire i hear i can tell you that the one without the Y chromosome was probably thinking, oh shit is this it, flip me id be better off at home on my own!

im 27 now thats over 10 years worth of shagging, but only about 5 of them were quality, just goes to show, you live and learn.
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 15:32, Reply)

she was
only the cricketers daughter
but she could catch a full toss in her crease!


damn you emadex - got that one in before me!
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 15:07, Reply)

StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows
OK, I'm not going to stand up for the girls who've been mean to their boyfriends that way as I never have behaved like that myself (I ALWAYS put out, life's more fun that way!)

But a couple of my female friends have denied their boyfriends sex while shagging someone else behind their backs/shagging their best mates straight afterwards.

The reason for this is always that they just don't fancy the guy they're with, but don't want to admit to this cos he's so, well, nice, as his willingness to put up with a sex-free relationship shows. Guys, if you're too nice, us girls are more likely to want to get down and dirty with your less nice, dirtier friends. Sorry, but that's just how the female psyche works - twisted I know!
(DustyMonkey, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 14:58, Reply)

She was...
...only the fishmongers daughter.
But she laid on the slab and said "Fillet!"
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 14:52, Reply)

Caught by (as in beside) the fuzz...
New Years Eve, 1993.
The girl I'd recently started seeing was strating to get on my tits a bit (ie wouldn't put out) and was ill so I went out with my mates.

Bump into girl I've worked with for a year and absolutely adore. One drink led to another and we're on our way back to mine.
My old man was a pub singer (honest), and so never got home before about 4am on New Years Eve, so I knew we'd have a few hours hanky-panky time.

Get home, house in darkness, up to my room, getting friendly... when my light goes on. It's my Dad... apparently my Mum had not been well, and they'd come home early and gone straight to bed.
He'd been alerted by the moans coming from my room. The moans of said lady and I enjoyed my first taste of a woman.

Amazingly, we stayed friends, though never did end up doing the do. Shame.
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 14:24, Reply)

I did not lose my big V on several occasions
The worst (or funniest) had to be aged 14, getting very excited with girl at party, getting naked, more excited, and then realising that I didn't actually know how and neither did she. Oh the shame.

Made up for it about a month later by basically being jumped on by a very, very attractive older woman.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 14:23, Reply)

I thought I'd lost my virginity
but it turned out it had just fallen behind the sofa.
(Dethro Jix I'm better than you and I probably hate you. Cunt., Wed 1 Nov 2006, 14:21, Reply)

pointless warning labels.
Suddenly it all becomes clear: the same people who manage to miss BLINDINGLY obvious come-ons are the people who make it nessescarry to have "May Contain Nuts" on backs of peanut packets.

Not only that... but I bet you're the kind of people who are genuinely surprised when you read "contents may be hot" on a cardboard coffee mug...

Sadly... you're probably also the ones who fail to see the inevitable consequences of shagging without your wellies, and become smitten with Chlamydia and Pregnancies... sadly proving that the stupid will always survive - albeit through un-planned procreation.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 1 Nov 2006, 12:26, Reply)

she was only the vegan cafe owner's daughter

but she was morally opposed to, and repulsed by the sight of, my sausage.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 11:17, Reply)

Driving and f**king
Remember how it was when you were learning to drive? Always looking in the mirror; sticking to the speed limit; misjudging the length and width when parking; mirroring, signalling and manouvreing out of habit?

It was dull enough, but you'd never have been able to do it drunk, or on drugs, or in a car you weren't really familiar with (something really fast and powerful that demanded a sure hand).

But then you get into the habit and you break all the rules while still staying safe. You understand that power is nothing without control, and that a gentle touch is better a fumble when you know what you're doing.

I passed my test when I was 21.
(frankspencer, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 11:00, Reply)

Playing it cool gets you nowhere...

It’s the early hours aftermath of a house party, the lightweights have gone to bed in the various spare rooms of my friend’s mansion, and all of the girls but one. I’ve spent a great deal of the evening messing around with the remaining girl who whilst being in my peer group I have never really talked to all that much... she finally calls it quits and decides she's going to go to bed.. puts her arms round me.. looks into my eyes and whispers "so you want to share a bed", giving me a cute little wink. By this time there were still a good 3 bedrooms left... but then it happens, the little voice in your head that is solely purposed to fuck everything up tells you "play it cool, don't look too keen", never ever listen to this voice, it secretly hates you and wants you to die lonely, and makes you say things like; "Erm.. I'd love to, but I promised the lads I stay up drinking with them" ... why would I say that... I mean there’s playing it cool, and there’s just turning someone down for a stupid reason. With that her arms released and she pondered off to one of the spare rooms and didn’t look back..

So that’s how I turned down losing the V plates to one of the funniest, cutest girls I've ever met to play the ‘who can stay awake the longest’ game with my friends.. and I ended up sleeping on the landing alone.. I deserved it

Lost the V Plates a month or so later to someone who wasn’t anywhere near as funny or attractive.. but hell least I didn’t blow her off with a lame ass excuse..

No apologies for length.. but apologies for lack of 'teh funny'
(nothing-is-forever ...What happens in Hull, stays in Hull..., Wed 1 Nov 2006, 10:53, Reply)

Hopefully I won't be a virgin for long!

I put an ad in the paper trying to meet people with similar interests. So I mentioned my interest in sports (particularly swimming), and love of jazz (mostly jazz singing rather than instruments).

You'd think hardly anyone would share both interests, given that they don't have much to do with each other.

But it turns out there's a whole group of people who get together regularly who are all into watersports and scat! Wish me luck!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 10:42, Reply)

Sin-derella?
During my teenage years, the regularity with which I did not lose my Virginity was close to becoming the stuff of legend… Especially considering that I was studying a very liberal Performing Arts course, where there were my fair share of Unisex changing rooms and creative girls whom I could impress with my “soft, caring and artistic side”.

But eventually, the ‘big day’ (or so I thought, anyway) came. I was just finishing a run as “Sergeant Spring” in the Pantomime of Cinderella (I will NEVER do Panto again. It was 3 months of trying to avoid having my rectum breached by a huge, sweaty and ugly (the irony!) ugly sister. Coupled with lots of make-up, crap double entendre and endless hordes of Children screaming “He’s behind you!” (if only they knew…) – it was hell. But I digress.) – and it was the after show party. Somehow, I’d managed to lock lips with the actress who was playing Cinders. After a while, she led me upstairs to a room, where Zips unzipped, Bras unhinged, Boxers duly removed. In my semi-drunken state, I’m calmly thinking “this is IT! I’m going to DO IT – with Cinder-fucking-ella!”

Things are licked that erstwhile had never been licked. Things were touched that erstwhile I had never touched. Things were ground together that had never before been ground together.

Finally, the moment came. I produced a prophylactic as if from nowhere, and with minimal fumbling, managed to apply it to the desired area. Deep breath…

And just as I’m finally about to do the one thing I had spent my entire life from the age of 13 trying to do, hearing her soft breath against my neck, feeling my heart beat in my chest, touching everything I had ever wanted to touch, I hear:

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING IN MY WALK-IN WARDROBE??”

Which, it has to be said, kind of killed the moment.

Length? She never found out. *sigh*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 10:42, Reply)

not sure why I'm a virgin

say, do you two lovely ladies come here often? Or do you wait till you get home?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 10:36, Reply)