Alright, gays?
Holiday is over, I'm back in England. Did you miss me notice I'd gone?
Reading through two weeks worth of posts is far too much like effort when you've been up since two, so fill me in: anything exciting I've missed?
Has the Pandatron sat rusted and unused in the corner since my departure?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 14:50, 59 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

People with too much time on their hands
On the Effectiveness of Aluminum Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study.

It's worth reading the abstract, before it gets suppressed by the government.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 13:49, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone fancy catching a show down the west end over the next month?
I quite fancy going to see something, don't really mind what.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 12:52, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So Schumacher has called off his return to F1
What have you changed your mind about recently?
( Captain V, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 12:04, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

last night I cooked roast belly pork
with mash, cauliflower cheese and a red onion, mustard and strongbow gravy. it was fucking awesome.

tonight is going to be a crazy concoction of potatoes, lettuce from my garden, fresh eggs from my parents' chickens, polish kabanos sausages and green beans with possibly a french dressing, possibly some kind of mustard sauce.

anyone cooked up anything awesome recently?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 11:30, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good morning, you worthless twats.
I am listening to Slayer and effectively dodging work.
There's a lot of whining on here today. MTFU.
Edit: If you don't cheer up, I'll post that picture.
( thealternativefact, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 11:17, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Financial advice
Have any of you ever used one of those financial debt reduction companies? The ones that can seemingly represent you to your banks, get the total amount of debt reduced, leaving you with one monthly payment? What are the pitfalls? would i still be able to get a mortgage in a couple of years?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 10:46, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

for TGB
In replies.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 11 Aug 2009, 10:22, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm amazed anyone had the balls to put it in the munted hag in the first place.
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/london/8194235.stm
Have there ever been any good-looking criminals?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 9:33, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Word up bitches
So my bank wrote me a letter saying "ha! We've taken all your money and not going to give any of it back" Whoever was fucking bitching about a 30 quid charge can ram it up their fucking japseye whilst I ram a fucking cactus up your fucking whining ass. I've got almost 400 quid charges for what started out as me going over by about 50 quid, then because they charged me I went over by more so they charged me again etc etc etc

What moaning has annoyed you recently? Saying this post will result in me shoving various household objects in various orafices. And more swearing. Clungemonkeys
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 8:44, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I went to bed at 3am.
Woke up at 5:15am, got fed up of staring at the walls after 10 mins and decided to get up.

Who else was up at stupid o'clock this morning?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 7:49, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

all hail Legless KING of the GOOGLEBOMB
his mastery of the black arts mean that searching for a bunch of unscrupulous tossers now returns this as top result

not a great review

we truly are not worthy

round of applause and apologies from those who scoffed at his boast he could do it

i now know of at least 4 people who as a direct result of this have cancelled plans to visit or work in dubai

result!

nice one mate
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 1:10, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh wise B3tans with mortgages
If I have a 5 year fixed rate mortgage (which I do), do I have to stick it out or can I switch lenders after say 2yrs and 3 mths? I understand that there will most likely be some fees of some sort involved.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 1:05, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Childish behaviour - do you ever grow out of it?
Once I was fingering this girl prior to getting down to business. My fingers got pretty wet and when I pulled them out I noticed they formed a sort of stringy web between my fingers. I looked at her and shouted, "Spiderweb!" while gleefully opening and closing my hands to emphasise my pussy juice web. This happened in my 31's....I don't think i'll grow up!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 22:57, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Speaking of bank charges
I noticed my account went overdrawn by 28p over the weekend. Consequently, the bank will be charging me £30 because they had to pay a switch transaction when i didn't have the funds in bank, plus another £28 for actually going overdrawn. I spoke to the bank today and they basically said "tough".

I'm going to phone the ombudsman and find if there is anyway to stop them taking the money in the first place, as I simply cannot afford for them to take it and then have to arse about trying to get it back.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 22:31, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Since 8:30 this morning I have
- Monitored the anaesthetic on a dog castrate and yes they were fucking huge because it was a middle aged staffy
- Assisted on a grass seed removal from a dog's ear
- Monitored an anaesthetic on a cat's dental
- Monitored a sedation on a dog for a foreign body removal
- Helped wrestle a Dogue de Bordeaux to the ground for a skin scrape
- Tripped over the free range stray kitten more than once
- Apologised to said stray kitten
- Monitored the anaesthetic on a MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE
- Travelled back across London with a smile on my face as I got a seat the whole way home :)

What have you done with your day?
-
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 19:49, 73 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home
Tonight's question: Which Viz character would you say you're most like?


( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 19:05, 38 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Five consecutive evenings of lots of lovely alcohol have rendered me an alcomoholic. I wants booze.

Top five things to enable a good holiday.

1. Silly buggers
2. Booze
3. Lovely home cooked food
4. A stunning beach
5. Good weather
6. A dog called Mildew
( girlinthehole, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 18:55, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello boys.
What's everybody's age and location?
I like to see the world.
(Jam Master etc, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 16:26, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

WARNING. THIS CONTAINS NEWS TOO SHOCKING FOR /talk
Pictures of the festival at the weekend, and some surprising, and quite frankly, disturbing news.
CLICKY McWICKY!
(The Cat's Mistletoe Have a very berry Kissmas, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 16:22, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just been to Bishops Mother Fucking Stortford
It's a pain in the arse to get to. And I saw a pub that I will be returning to on Saturday.

Ironically, two weeks ago I didn't know where Bishops Stortford was, this week I will be going there three times.
( Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:50, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Any new dvds out recently that are worth watching?
because I am bored and might go to the shops.
( Peej, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:40, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yawn
Where's all the excitement?

Minus points for "in my pants"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 14:39, 94 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello Fags!
Got back in to work today to hear that one of the girls in the design department had the tip of her finger practically chopped off by a very keen toilet door.....she got it sown back on, fortunately. The handy man was busying himself the very next day making sure all the doors shut a bit more slowly.

the question is though, should she fire in a compo claim...as it was her 'mouse' finger that got cunted.


AND her brother got teh swine flu the very same day
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 13:53, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

yes!
bakonvodka.com/
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 13:07, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's the "Someone's been watching a super-hero based telivsion show (and/or) film, and therefore is asking what power would you choose" thread
But to add a twist to it, your power has to have a twist of some sort to it. What would be your downfall?

For example...
If you could fly, could you withstand the pressures of high altitude?
If you could make people cream themselves, would you be impotent?
If you could see the future, would you go mental with all the time-paradoxes?

...etc...
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 12:54, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What is this?
Fucking "I'm back from holiday day"?
Nobody missed you. Sad, but totally true fact.
( Cawl, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 11:17, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

New Desktop Question
Oh great techy Btan gods, I come again to seek your wisdom, etc (in replies).

EDIT - Thanks for your help everyone - Btans rule!
(Apathyman Prepare to be underwhelmed..., Mon 10 Aug 2009, 11:11, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cor Blimey!
I go off for a week (a wonderful family holiday - much fun was had) and return only to find that I won last weks QOTW and also made the newletter!!!

What a wonderful little thing to come back to.

So, who missed me the most and what did I miss?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 10:44, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

MORNING!!!!
I got cut up by a fucking twat in a 4x4 who forced me in to a bus lane. I showed him though, I beeped him with my horn! Bet he'll think twice before cutting up any Honda Accords Peugeot 205s again!
( Peej, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 10:35, Reply)