Two sleeps til Leeds, gays,
TWO SLEEPS

I'm very excited. And also very clueless. I've never been to a festival before, and I haven't been camping in about eight years, so.... what are your festival essentials?

Things I am excited for:
Sex
Being constantly drunk
Tim Minchin
The Crystal Method
Topping my results night antics
Finally getting my mind off my cunt of an ex.

What are you excited for at the moment?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 13:21, 115 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I realise this has been around for a while
but this song just made me laugh a lot
www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM&feature=related
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 13:05, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*tumbleweeds*
*church bells*
*howling wind*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 12:31, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Job Update
As many of you know I am approaching end of contract and am shitting it.

But I have just been told another identical job is opening up at the other campus which is closer to my house.They have said that as I have been here over two years they are obliged to offer it to me if they plan to make me redundant.

So look like I'm saved. So where's my fucking medal!

*Edit* *s *?
( Peej, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:59, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

One of my colleagues just announced that his new g/f has asked him to shave his balls...
...what have you heard recently that you wish you could unhear?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:57, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right, I'm off
Now you can all talk about me while I'm gone, but I'll be back later to chastise you more.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 11:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

PayPal
They've suspended my account because a third party tried to access it, apparently.
They gave me a checklist of things to do to restore my account (like change password etc etc).I've done all this (on 19th July) and still my account is fucked.
I asked them what was goin on and they've emailed me telling me to FAX a copy of a recent utility bill. This has got to be a scam right?
I don't care about security because I have a new debit card which they don't have the details of, so I doubt they can rape my account, but it's very inconvenient.
What should I do? Surely PayPal don't ask for faxes?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:55, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I foolishly decided
to descale the office kettle before I made myself a coffee. I now need to wait for half an hour before I can use it.

What should I do to perk myself up in the meantime.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:39, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

GUESS
WHO'S
BACK

Alright untermenchen, the Messiah has returned, and now that I'm here you can all stop whining about the demise of Off Topic, because standards are about to get lower than ever.

While you all argue about who missed me the most, and unite against me like the gaggle of numbskulls that you really are, I'm going to judge you all in turn and decide whether you deserve to ascend to Monkeysex Heaven, or Monkeysex Hell. It doesn't bode well for you either way.

BEGIN
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:29, 62 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Whoa...
Like a fucking graveyard here.
I reckon there's more excitement in a funeral home.
Well, certainly more sexy potential.

Right, Question-Time.

You're stuck in a boat with another person. A tiny little boat.
You've got a solar-still for making sea water into drinkable water.
You've got a fishing line, but no bait. What do you do?
( Cawl, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 10:05, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

dirty sweets
I know this should probably be on links, but it's probably been there before. it's too much effort for me to check. anyway, has anyone else noticed these dirty maoam sweet packets before?

www.sagen.at/texte/gegenwart/images/maoam_sex.jpg
( ascorbate, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 9:59, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home
So how are you all coping with the end of the post-weekend?

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 8:23, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Are you sure you want to eat that?
Just had to share these photos with you lot.

photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs138.snc1/5892_122920159782_504794782_3062050_780973_n.jpg

photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs138.snc1/5892_122920164782_504794782_3062051_7644174_n.jpg

photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs138.snc1/5892_122920169782_504794782_3062052_8023258_n.jpg

photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs138.snc1/5892_122920174782_504794782_3062053_7050694_n.jpg
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 22:55, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Greetings b3tans and misc. porn-movie crew-members
It's time for...

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 19:08, 157 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bit of a favour to ask...
I'm crap at making gifs, and photoshopping and stuff. But I was discussing Queen with a friend of mine and we concluded that if you had only heard and not seen Freddie Mercury, you'd probably assume he was 40 feet tall and could shoot lasers from his eyes, such was the awesomeness of his voice. Does anybody fancy doing a picture or gif of him looking as such? I can't offer money or any kind of reward but...y'know, Freddie will probably smile down at you from gay heaven and he might put in a good word for you with gay god.
(Tiny Blindfolded Horse Kitten sound car horns would end road rage, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 18:53, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today has been shit.
Cheer me up, preferably through the medium of describing the poster before you in Blackadder quotes and only Blackadder quotes?

Or even just Blackadder quotes. I'm easy.
( Maladicta, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 18:09, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I almost punched a large man in lycra yesterday
short version of long story -

went mountain biking with the kids (school hols and all that), met up with friends of the Significant Other who are all hardcore MTBers with mad sKilZ, innit.
Kids and MTBers raced off into the forest and I became separated from them - SO stayed with me - he's good like that. I was extremely worried and had visions of the kids being left behind in the woods and having to get some sort of mountain rescue out to find them. When we finally found them...they found us actually - we'd taken a short cut unknowingly and were ahead of them...I was ready to kill someone and only my back tyre exploding prevented me from punching the ringleader.

So what has made you ready to hit someone recently?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 15:48, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right that thread seems to have died,
but I did enjoy laughing at peoples failures with the opposite sex.

Why are you single? and if you're not what's the most likely thing you'll do to ruin your current relationship?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 15:34, 70 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Since it's nearly September
What do you want for Christmas this year?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 24 Aug 2009, 12:15, 87 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is there a members list anywhere?
For the good users of b3ta
( Peej, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 12:14, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Since there's nothing going on here
and since it's my b3taday, I thought I'd make a post to get the candle icon.

Hoorah.
Yeah.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 11:05, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

On a happier note, have a HSH thread


Morning All.

WEll for me it's the last week of the holidays and I am starting to have nightmares about my new class already!

How's stuff in your world? What up coming events have you worried?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 24 Aug 2009, 10:21, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, Off Topic's a sinking ship.
10am Monday morning, no thriving threads, most of the regulars nowhere to be seen. Cheers, Off Topic. It was fun while it lasted.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 10:02, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pessimism or optimism
Well, it seem I was unduly pessimistic about England's ability to win the Ashes back. Well done the England Team.

Being pessimistic, means always being pleasently suprised when something goes right, and being optimistic means being miserable when something goes wrong.

So, pessimist or optimist, which is best?

Happy Monday everyone.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 7:21, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Well bugger :(
I got to the place to view it, and called the agent asking where she was. She was at another place across the street that she wanted to show me, and kindly informed me that the condo I wanted to see was sold last week.
I told her to fuck off and start being a bit more professional and she might get some sales.

Still looking..........!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 23 Aug 2009, 23:48, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

James Cameron's Avatar
Another genre-reinventing masterpiece from the visionary director utilising the latest in 3D film technology, or a CGI monstrosity that's destined to disappoint everyone stupid enough to go see it?

Alternatively, if you'd been on a night out and your friend pulled a lady who wasn't entirely a lady, would you do the decent thing and keep schtum, or would you send a group text to everyone you know? Discuss.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Sun 23 Aug 2009, 22:32, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

sooo...
Is there anyone around at this time?

I've actually managed to find employment, it's just a shame it's in the UK :( I start work on wednesday in Southwark. Any b3tans nearby?

I'm bored :(
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Sun 23 Aug 2009, 22:05, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

random food yums
It's the end of the month special

Long grain rice cooked in chicken stock
Chopped chicken, onion, pepper, mange tout and a smidge more stock in wok.
Cook everything
Drain rice, pour rice in wok
Mix it up, season, eat

It was really really filling as well.

I don't have a question but you can discuss how much you miss me in the week
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sun 23 Aug 2009, 21:14, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

MICROFICHE
Any of you very talented chaps have any idea how one would transfer infomation from a microfiche archive to CD/DVD?

I guess microfiche was a great idea for keeping loads of data safe in the 'old days' but the viewers were huge and are now starting to die out?

please mail me at [email protected] if you have any ideas.

Thanks in advance
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Sun 23 Aug 2009, 20:53, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dear cunting fuck
why, oh why, in the name of all that is cute and fluffy, would you set up a Facebook account for your newborn baby?
( Maladicta, Sun 23 Aug 2009, 19:04, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)