11 Days off start here.
My son reckons that seeing as everyone will be out today I should spend the day watching porn, drinking rum and wanking like a safari park chimp.

Any advance on that, frankly awesome, suggestion?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 1 Apr 2010, 8:13, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I managed to jog on the treadmill for 30 minutes yesterday without stopping.
Best jog ever! Then 20 minutes on the bike. 10 minutes on the rowing machine just to make sure I keep looking butch and then went home and got squiffy.


What have you done recently that will impress me?
( girlinthehole, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 8:11, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just watched Alice in Wonderland
I am a big fan of the original story and I liked the film.

I'm still not convinced by 3D though. I think I prefer films the old way.

Have you an opinion?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 22:19, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A t-shirt for b3ta
May be known about already, but I found this by accident at lunch time looking for something completely different:

www.oneposter.com/products/I-Love-Clunge-T-Shirt-Inspired-By-The-Inbetweeners-Mens_20629.html
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 31 Mar 2010, 20:55, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anything made your day a bit brighter?
mines in replies
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 18:31, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

MUSIC THREAD
Name a band with a shitter name than 'Half Man Half Biscuit', if you can.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 17:15, 53 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's as stale as a Mummy's cunt in here

I need distraction and entertainment, so answer me this aside from the usual; flying, invisibilty, super strength, what superpower would you like?

Out of this we can create a B3taman and make a fortune!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 17:14, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

DING
The other day I was sucked in to buying one of those mobile phone sock things. The justification was as it's a touch screen if the screen gets any more scratched it won't work but the truth is I liked the pretty colours.

I just want some random stories about anything to while away the afternoon. Or, if you are one of the lucky peeps going to Cornwall this weekend talk about just how excited you are about getting to meet me
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 14:43, 138 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Me and my workmate are having a competition to insert 80's lyrics into conversation
Thus far conversations have been invented to fit the lyrics. For example, I met David Blaine in the street the other day, he started pulling all these card tricks and sleight of hand on me. "Hang on", I said. "Is this a kind of magic?"

All suggestions welcome
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 13:37, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I could murder a Jack & Coke right now.
And it's only 8:32am, that's how omgstressed I am.

What could you murder right now? Other than my mum, of course.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 13:32, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm hand-feeding sliced fruit to a disinterested lizard. Anyone else's day mix the mundane with the bizarre?
For the record, strawberries and sliced melon to a bearded dragon.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 13:09, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So the b3ta wiki doesn't even mention /offtopic
b3ta.wik.is/
Add hilarious definitions and then link them back here you lazy fucks.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 12:56, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

April Fools pranks are for office bores and loud septics
This however I thought was quite funny: www.telegraph.co.uk/expat/expatpicturegalleries/7538484/Top-April-foolery.html?image=5

EDIT: Question - Right Said Fred were too sexy for their shirts, but what are you too sexy for?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 12:07, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*ding*
Why are most of the people in offices total jobsworths, who are to lazy to chew their food and so bring soup in for lunch?

Alternatively: B3ta Directives, ever seen a film you liked apart from one small thing? What thing from what film would you change?
I'm relying on you guys to drag this question up from supershit to barely passable
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 10:41, 144 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The thread of joy in our equality and difference.
Tell me what you love about the opposite sex.
( girlinthehole, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 10:39, 52 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

GAH!
I have just been rudely awakened by mother for NO GOOD REASON. She's picking my sister up from the airport today, so needed to know when the plane was due. She couldn't get on the internet on the desktop, panicked, and woke me up so she could find out on my laptop. I roll out of bed after a few hours sleep and having been up since 4am yesterday, start up my laptop and log on to the internet, only to hear her say "Oh it doesn't matter, its working now".
GAH!

In good news, I now have a ticket to Download and went shopping to Edinburgh yesterday where I found the most incredible vintage shop and bought myself another corset.

How is your week shaping up?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 10:39, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So this week we have learnt:
Screening for breast cancer is, on the whole, good for you
UEA scientist didn't "make up" results
Ricky Martin loves teh cock

Bugger me, it really is "pope shits in the woods" week, isn't it? Anyone got some real news?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 8:09, 127 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Most revolting things you did/ate as a child
What is the most disgusting thing you ate as a child? I used to eat raw bacon rind, that nasty bone bit you used to get in bacon, the innards from sausages (despite my mum telling me they were 'made from baby birds' - like that made any difference) and her lipsticks....

I would like to add that I did not continue any of these revolting habits into adulthood - I just abuse cup a soups now since re-embarking on single life, and nothing living, sentient or otherwise ever went into those :)
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 23:55, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I started this week as a feminist
But after a few days of reading feminist literature and, more importantly, checking up on blogs such as Feministing and Feminazery, I'm starting to become disillusioned by the whole idea.

I guarantee if a male leaves a comment on such a site saying anything other than "I agree totally! You are a gifted writer and one hundred percent correct!" they will be internet-lynched, and accused of thinking rape is all in good fun and just airheads making a big fuss about nothing.

The thing is, the feminist things I've been reading occasionally throw in a token concession that not all man are monstrous pigs who only interact with women with an eye to shagging them, while the rest of what they say conjures up exactly this image. It reminds me very much of a racist saying something like "obviously I don't think ALL blacks are criminals...just more so than whites" in the middle of a diatribe about bloody immigrants coming over here and selling drugs.

It sort of makes me feel like an enemy of social justice on account of my gender, which ultimately leads to a feeling of "if I'm going to be demonised because of my cock and balls, why should I fucking bother with feminists and feminism?"...which is frankly not the feeling feminists should by trying to promote. I mean, if saying "maybe some rape accusations really are false..." brings about the same reaction as "phwoarr, you'd fucking get it you little tart! Show us your flange!", you may as well say the latter. It's funnier to see the reaction that way.

Can someone let me know that respecting women as equals and believing in equality is still worth doing and not a)gay or b)fruitless, as I'm male and thus basically a rapist anyway? Please include funny feminism stories if possible.

End of disjointed and hastily written rant. This is going to look bloody silly of me.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 20:11, 117 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, I joined Facebook after years of saying "Oh no, never, not me, no siree, I have a life".
And am now receiving friend requests from all and sundry. Trouble is I'm not sure who half of them are. BGB was kind enough to tell me one of them was Roota, but that's about all I've sussed. There's even someone from school and I haven't a fucking clue.

A couple are obviously b3ta types (the use of b3ta usernames kind of gives them away) but the rest... no idea.

Is this normal? And should I have a glass of wine?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 30 Mar 2010, 19:27, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morris's Tail
Morris is the latest addition to the bugboy household- we are not allowed pets where I live but as morris is indigenous I figured it would be ok. Morris is a mouse.

I realised I had a mouse since coming back from holiday over christmas (prob sneaked in whilst I was away on account of freezing weather) and I tried various ways of catching him.

I've had mice loads of times, as a student, central america, india, even little country cottages in England and I've always caught them within hours of discovery. But Morris was an ninja-mouse; specialised in urban concrete-dwelling SAS style tactics.

First I tried humane non-lethal traps, then traditional traps, then poison, then finally sticky board traps- which are a bit nasty and cause suffering.

I eventually trapped him late at nite just as i turned off the light to go to sleep. The actual trap consisted of 4 sticky boards, 4 neck snappers, poison and a small electrified grid (I kid you not) arranged in a border across my hallway. It looked like one of the tougher sections of the East Berlin wall.

I trapped him on a sticky trap but was too drunk (ie sqeemish) to kill him so i deglued him, washed him and made him a little bed for the nite, thinking I would release him in the morning.

Then we bonded.

no, not really, I FORGOT about the poor little fucker for two days. (remember- drunk).

So now I felt guilty.

So I'm going to spoil him for a few weeks then release him (far from my flat). It will be like a "Born Free" moment but a lot smaller. And with less lions.
(bugboy, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 18:52, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

my baby's got a tooth!
a tooth! he's getting all growed up :(
where the fuck have the last 6 months gone, eh? someone please tell me.
( ascorbate, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 18:04, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fuck me I'm bored
looking to buy a ticket for Bestival later, I'd ratehr be at Download or Reading but no-one wants to go to them.

Which festivals are you going to this year? Amuse me with Festival based high jinx
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 16:37, 123 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FFS
KWA is writing soft pr0n again...

www.b3ta.com/questions/filth/post678552

Erm. Question. When did you last see such a tenious link between QOTW & a post?
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 15:33, 51 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm looking forward to April

April fools day, then a long weekend, then a four day week, then I start a new job (same place, better job).

One week in new job, then two weeks off including 10 days in Lisbon.

And that's April done.

So, when was the last time you had a nine-work-day-month?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 14:58, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right, so at the weekend I had to put some new speaker mounts on the wall of my spare room
and as the speakers I'm mounting are active moniters they weight about 11kg each so they are really sturdy mounts and I fixed them to the wall and made sure they were straight and then I put the speakers on them and you actually need to screw the speaker cabinets to the mounts to stop them sliding off as I'm tilting these speakers down at an angle, so I put these three little screws in the speaker cabinets and they did the job perfectly, I was worried in case I had damaged the insides of the speakers, but when I wired them up to the mixing desk they were fine.

So three little screws and everything's good. That's clearly nothing like having sex with TGB since her massive vagina needs loads of screws to hold it closed or her internal organs fall on the desk.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 14:42, 46 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can someone ask Al to start a new thread please

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 14:36, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can someone ask flim to look at my facebook for a potential faildog please
I have pictures of them just for her
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 14:27, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hey - guess what...
Ricky Martin is a massive shirter. Hands up who didn't know that already?
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 13:12, 42 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*ding*
New Thread Please.

Today I recieved in the post 5 boxes. It was very exciting. Mainly as the postman is cute. What would you like to recieve in the post?

Alternatively, what you having for lunch?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 12:52, 77 replies, latest was 16 years ago)