Hobson's choice.
So, if forced to choose between getting teabagged by Natalie Imbruglia or Holly Vallance, which would it be?

Alt: Same question but taking one or t'other from behind?

Alt alt: Jelly Babies - head or feet first?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 15:28, 62 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

So..erm..Lunch?
As it's payday, I might treat myself to a salad.

Alt: Plans for the weekend? Beer, niece and football for me.

Alt Alt: Last inappropriate thing to make you laugh? I've just been chuckling at this.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 12:21, 214 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I still have a job.
What piece of news has cheered you up today?

Alt: why do I want a fag more now than I have over the last 3 weeks?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Fri 24 Feb 2012, 10:49, 158 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Yeah that's right, bass for your face.
It's Friday, I've been paid, it's all gone already. Woo woo.

My passport is awaiting delivery though so it looks like my little jaunt to Iceland is still on. Prawn ring/mum's gone etc etc.

What are you up to today/tonight/this weekend?

Alt: I find it massively bent when Frenchies say 'le weekend' and 'les bluejeans'. But I find Raymond Blanc massively endearing. I'm full of contradictions, me. Are you?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 8:27, 230 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

OH LOL
This is really funny right. SOMEONE DUN A FART.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 0:04, Reply)

TV
My friend has decided to enter me into a country tv show like the bachellorette but with cowboys.
im only agreeing in the hopes that I get a spinoff tv show.

Have you been on tv?
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 18:32, 53 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

This place is almost as slow as the lovechild of Monty and Stunned would be.
Out of those who have flounced or generally fucked off who do we want to bring back?

Who do we want here that's never been here?

Who do you want to fuck off? (other than me).
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:42, 235 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Come on offtopic wake up from your slumber...
Why is Comrade Quixote so unemployable? Can you suggest suitable alternative employment for him? Would you employ him? Why not?

Alt: Why should you keep your job/be fired?

Altalt: Recently had this band recommended to me - www.myspace.com/whitehills - I reckon Monty might enjoy them. Can you recommend a new band to me or another member of offtopic?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:01, 138 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I was trying to think of jokes about redundancy
And I realised I don't know any. DO you?

Alt: are there any subjects you can think of about which there are not any jokes?

AltAlt: if we (all the other countries) all got together could we Nuke America back into the stone age? I think this might be the safest course for all concerned.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 23 Feb 2012, 11:58, 32 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

New Question of the Week vote
...is here
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:32, 14 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Come on, internet. Stop being so rubbish.
Last night our Italian mate told Stunned Poster and me about some frankly disturbing (and not a little bent) bullying he and his pals got up to in Naples when they were kids. This involved holding their victim face down over a bench, pulling the poor sod’s trousers and underpants down and then whacking his bollocks with stinging nettles. They did this to the same boy once a week for around a year. I could not believe what I was hearing, and laughed until I cried.

'Eets'a OK' he said 'we deedn't do it a'hard'.

Well that's OK then.

Can you top this tale of pervy bullying?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:18, 86 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Morning
I've got a headache. I blame the cider boat where I went last night for research purposes, see the calendar for more info.

So, Frank Carson is dead. What's your favourite joke?

Alt, breakfast.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 7:28, 91 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you've not seen Warrior, oh my god it's amazing!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 21:27, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fuck that cunt, I'm all cuntted* off.
I just went to a cancelled appointement at the hospital, it cost me £15 to get there (or I could have left over an hour earlier and skipped out even more work). When I got there I got greeted with "Oh paul ! Didn't you get my message? I left one at 9. I made a note to call you at lunch to make sure you got it, to make sure, but tee hee, I forgot...." EXACT WORDS TEE-FUCING-HEE. ".... I'm sorry, Dr Whatsitface isn't in today, I'm ever so sorry, we'll call you to arrange another appointment".

So then I could eaither spend another £15 to make it back to my desk just in time to go home, OR, or, I could take the bus to the tube to the overground to home, OR, or, I could spend £25 and get a cab home. So that's what I've done.

£40 is a lot of money when you're right near the end of pay-day week, when you've just got to go ahead and do the same thing the next week.

I'm going to reward myself with an extra tablet (as I'm still down on what I'm supposed to take today), watch me hollyoaks, got some lasagnia in the oven and some pizza express dough balls with my own home made garlic butter dip.

* Does cunted have one t or two ts?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 18:31, 75 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

vodafone = cunts
that is all
( zulu eh?, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 16:55, 33 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Silly Quinten, you need to ask a question.
If they were making a film of you life, who would you like to play you?

Alt: realistically who should play you?

I'd love to be played by Ed Norton, no idea who it should be though.

AltAlt: Nominate other offtopicers/actors So far we have Monty played by Gary Oldman, Stunned played by Rodney Danderfield, Kroney by Hugh Dennis and Berk by Zooey Daschiel, any more?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 22 Feb 2012, 14:45, 240 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

well this is very poor

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 14:29, 18 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Tell me about your sense of style.
This season i'm going for Whore Couture.

Alt favorite
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 12:34, 109 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Funny/children's names/murder.
1. Which of the current circuit comedians do you find funny? I am v keen on Miles Jupp at the moment. Conversely Russell Kane makes me want to drink bleach.

2. Imagine you are expecting twins, a boy and a girl. What christian names would you give them?

3. You can kill one person with no comeback whatsoever. Who do you choose and why?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 10:21, 203 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Morning Ladies
I don't really have much to say. Apart from a quick hello, and um YaaY.

Alt: How much is too much? (I really had to think about that)
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 8:02, 149 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Anyone around?
I've had me chips.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 20:41, 226 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I am on the final push with one of the dullest assignments ever.
I have decided to race Maximus Decimus Whateverhisfaceis to the finish line. Can he go through his entire story arc before I finish my assignment?

What do you to motivate yourself? Are you really good at getting stuff done or do you put it off to the last minute?

Alt: What song shall we play first at Cuntin's funeral?
(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 16:12, 128 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I've just been self diagnosed with Corvid Obesity
I only have 1 hour and 22 minutes left to live.

What illness es have you got and what would you do if you only had 1 hour and 22 minutes to live?

alt fuck off?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 16:07, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Favourite country and why?
Alt: Favourite city and why?

Alt alt: Something about badgers/crows/kittens?

Alt alt alt (for quinten): Do you really want to hurt me?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:03, 152 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pipe down, you lot, that's enough.
Come along, Class 4, settle down. I SAID SETTLE DOWN. Please? Please, class four.

We made a teacher run from the class in tears, she had a mental breakdown and never returned to teaching again.

Ever done something about which you are thoroughly ashamed? Do tell.

Alt: bore the class with your LUNCH-related tedium if you fucking must.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:36, 129 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Good morning shitcunt shutins.
Is this the worst ever response to a QOTW?

b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofevil/post1537114#answers-post-1537133

Alt: NHS reforms - right or wrong?

Alt alt: Make your own up. Do you expect me to do everything for you?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:23, 173 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Generic Evening Thread
Dinner - reheated chinese from yesterday (special fried rice, chicken'n'cashewnuts in yellow been, crispy shredded chicken (no chili)
Some internet link Here is something really creepy - donglutsdinosaurs.com/gallery-1-tour/
My day - Had a rough day, poor old diddums me. But, but, I then went docs and got some tablets and now I'm alright.
Plans for this evening I'm going to have a destressing bath, with candles and smelly stuff and chocolate.
Thought for the day I'm 100% deffo getting some silk PJs come pay-day.

What's your waffle for the evneing
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 20 Feb 2012, 18:52, 200 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

OOH! OOH! MR PEEVLY! (spelling corrected)
My question to you is this: when people say that if you're homophobic that must mean you're a bit bent, do these same people think that if you're a racist you must be a bit black*?

Alt: Which is your favourite character in 'The Hair Bear Bunch'?

*or whichever minority applies

PS Sorry about this thread. At least it's a real one, though.

Alt alt: Paedophiles. Why is the collective noun for nonces always a 'ring' and can you think of another group of people with the same one? I can only think of car thieves.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Feb 2012, 16:36, 116 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Techy question (NOT A REAL THREAD)
Can anyone advise me on what wire I need to connect my blu ray to my router and also what the best wire for hooking my amplifier to my TV? I'm googling now and no idea what I'm looking for.
(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Mon 20 Feb 2012, 16:26, 13 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

This stripper I used to go out with is dead
only she isn't dead, in fact I saw her on the 10th, but her death certificate says the 9th.

Did I have lunch with a Ghost Stripper?

Alt. Battered, Stunned and swipe seem to have it in for me, what has made them so bitter?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 20 Feb 2012, 14:45, 94 replies, latest was 14 years ago)