Monty is grumpy
How would you cheer him up, or anyone for that matter?

ALT: do you pick you nose, bite your fingernails or wee in the shower? What's your worst habit?

No beakering allowed
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 10:56, 121 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

ha ha ha
Cheer up Monty by not replying to my thread eh?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 10:59, Reply)

Why not piss on my chips whilst your at it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 10:59, Reply)

I'd take him out for a pint and a steak.
If he's a vegetarian, he can fuck off.

I pick my nose and wee in the shower, but have given up biting my nails.

My worst habit is eating my bogeys.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 10:59, Reply)

better than wiping them under the desk
edit: Monty is about as vegetarian as a velociraptor
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:00, Reply)

So, steak and a pint it is then.
I recommend a nice bit of rump with some mashed potatoes, and a pint of Thatcher's Sommerset Gold.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Ribeye, rare with bearnaise
double cooked chips and a small side salad with simple vinaigrette. NOM :D
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Watercress and roasted tomato

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Excellent addition.
Steaks are just great hands down.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:13, Reply)

I read that to the voice of Captain Pickard ordering tea.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:15, Reply)

Make it so.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:18, Reply)

Thatcher's Farmhouse scrumpy is the biz.
To be eaten with lots of meat.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:10, Reply)

*hastily cleans underside of desk*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Of course!
I'm some sort of rioting chav.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:01, Reply)

I'd remind him that life is but a fleeting thing and he will get his just rewards in the kingdom of heaven.
Alt: I pick my toenails. I hate toenails. I try and let them grow in the summer when I wear sandals but I usually rip them off when I'm a bit squiffy at home.
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Bollocks to all of that shite
I spent two weeks in Japan and it was fucking awesome. I actively hate being back in the UK.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:05, Reply)

the lack of dirty panty dispensing vending machines is something I've lobbied successive governemnts to change

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:06, Reply)

They don't have them in Japan anymore
You can buy bottles of 'Sweat' in them though.
Pocari Sweat is an isotonic sports drink
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:07, Reply)

You can buy a can of 'Pussy' here in the Uk...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:08, Reply)

I now want to see a woman insert a can of that inside herself
Recursion porn, a new niche market.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Kenga from Big Brother thought she was onto something.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:17, Reply)

Glad to have you back though.
I have but one question. Why did you kidnap that little Japanese woman?
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Because she's hot, was willing to drive us around, and could read menus

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:08, Reply)

So which one of you got lucky?

( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:09, Reply)

Neither, both my mate and I have girlfriends
And are upstanding gentlemen.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:10, Reply)

You have a new lady? WooT!

( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:10, Reply)

well he calls her that
she considers herself a captive
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:11, Reply)

fritzllols

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:13, Reply)

get any work done?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Sadly not
Didn't have the time or cash, Japan is a rather expensive place. Plus tattoo studios are remarkably hard to find.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:15, Reply)

I'd take him out for Asahi and Massive Drugs.
Alt: Asahi and Massive Drugs.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Everyone wee's in the shower
and anyone who claims not to is a fucking liar. I also pick my nose and bite my nails.

I already cheered Monty up earlier this year, if he's still miserable then fuck him right in his fucking miserable ear.

mememememememememememe
( Peej, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:13, Reply)

I have never weed in the shower. Truefact!
Well not as an adult anyway.
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:13, Reply)

It's worn off.
But remains a lovely thing for one human being to do for another and I am eternally grateful and not a little touched by your generosity.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Touched in a good way.
And not inappropriately.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I'll swallow next time shall I?

( Peej, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:17, Reply)

Ideally.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:19, Reply)

It was all a ruse to get your address

( Peej, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Just show the Judge where he touched you
Use the special doll
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Watching a DVD of Tommy Cooper.
And reminding yourself of how SHITE he was.
Really, really bad.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:13, Reply)

He was rubbish.
He made me laugh when he died for the first and only time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:17, Reply)

Most 70s "comedians" were pretty bad.
Dave Allen was fun though.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:21, Reply)

the one i wear for morning prayers
it has the arse cut out of it
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:13, Reply)

oi!
this was hilarious - validate me!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:27, Reply)

no, it wasn't
sorry.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:28, Reply)

fuck you creepy man
/not ac but it will be now
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:29, Reply)

How was your weekend's field-standing?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:31, Reply)

it was amazing
and why i should go back to sleep now. I've not properly counted but i reckon i saw about 23 bands and i was at the front for most of them. My legs hurt.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:33, Reply)

should you not be at work?
Were any of these bands I'd have heard of?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:35, Reply)

no - luckily i'm not on the enrolment timetable
until wednesday.

depends. You'll have heard of Laura Marling, Fleet foxes. Perhaps Villagers. You totally need to hear Tweak Bird, they were immense. Also Bellowhead - possibly the most fun I've had watching a band
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:37, Reply)

righto, no one I know
as you were.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:45, Reply)

seriously?
man, you're getting old
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:47, Reply)

i'd show him this exchange on my iphone
with my best friend s, who is IN LOVE with her PHD supervisor. her brain is seriously literal. hence the following exchange which has just really tickled me.

her: meeting m for coursework review tomorrow, omg omg.

me: oooh! what are you wearing?

her: er. vest and tracksuit bottoms. why?

her: that's kind of a weird question dude.

me: ffs. not NOW, you flaming mentalist. for the MEETING.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:16, Reply)

Still haven't set me up with your hot rich friends.
Hurry Up.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:18, Reply)

do they have to be rich?
ah gonz, you disappoint me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:26, Reply)

No, it's just a bonus if they can spoil me rotten.
Looks like Berk is on the rebound again though so maybe I'll have some luck there? I mean, if you make an exception that proves the rule to your girls only nonsense,
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:18, Reply)

I have a feeling this will be hilariously bad...
www.loureedmetallica.com/
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:17, Reply)

Worst habit?
Wondering when to shut up and getting all paranoid about it.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:18, Reply)

I'd arrange a hit on his ex so he got sole custody of his daughter
this would make him happy.

Alt: yes, all three, although hopefully not while anyone's looking. Probably pissing in the sink in the middle of the night when I cannot be arsed to turn the bathroom light on.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:20, Reply)

arrange a
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Oh. Hell. No.
Even if she it hot and a bit broken, which technically makes her my type..
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:23, Reply)

i like how this implies that he's so creepy
she would lose custody of her child
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Fuck you Welshy
/ac
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Pint.
Always works for me. Had a Peroni yesterday, was absolutely awful. Not sure why I ordered two more...

Alt: Bite my fingernails, and pick my nose. I don't pee in the shower, as the drain isn't great, so you're left with an inch or so of water in the bottom of the shower, and standing in my own piss isn't something I'm interested in.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:21, Reply)

It's a bit specialist but I hear people pay good money for it.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:22, Reply)

"Normal" urine is actually very good for the skin due to the Urea and Uric Acid.
Can actually help cure athletes foot too. The more you know...
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:29, Reply)

I've been thinking of having a fish pedicure.
Apparently, it's very popular.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:30, Reply)

My wife went for one of those
only to be turned away as she was preganant, 'ealth and safety god mad!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:31, Reply)

I believe it's something to do with the hormones
The increased levels of progesterone will make her taste different. The fish will, of course, sense this and BITE HER FEET OFF BEFORE LEAPING OUT OF THE WATER AND UP INTO HER VAGINA TO EAT YOUR UNBORN CHILD.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Wha?
Are those fish able to smell gestating foetuses and capable of burrowing their way into the foot, travel up the leg and thence, the womb?

Are they foetivores?

Or are those fucking snake-oil selling Shylocks afraid that your wife was so massively bloated that she'd be completely incapable of stopping herself from falling in and drowning?
( Kroney, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:36, Reply)

One of them has opened in Macc
One of my friends said she's considering it, but is worried she'll be laughing the entire time, due to being very ticklish. I pointed out that'd probably be pretty damn funny for the staff, and now she's in a mood with me!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:33, Reply)

for some reason there a couple here
i think it's probably the best scam ever
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:35, Reply)

I first heard about it in a copy of Viz, the Fat Slags were having one.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Is that actually true?
I've heard various conflicting claims about this, and I'm tempted to side with the line of reasoning that
(a) Urea is secreted from your sweat glands anyway and
(b) the fact that you excrete it surely suggests you don't want it in or near your body?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:34, Reply)

It rehydrates skin (hence the sweat glands)
and mostly used for cracked skin (heels, toes etc) www.boots.com/en/Eucerin-Dry-Skin-Intensive-Foot-Cream-10-Urea-100ml_11718/
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Yeah, but I thought
the point of sweat glands was to produce moisture for evaporation and cooling, as opposed to cosmetic purposes. (Sorry for being so sceptical, but seeing as Boots now have a homeopathic aisle, I'm inclined to question these claims with a certain amount of cynicism.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:43, Reply)

There is no such thing
as bad habits, just poor timing. If I want to pick tagnuts from my arsehole then I will.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Oh, I don't fucking know. He's a bloke, he can talk to a woman if he wants sympathy.
I'd take him down the pub and we wouldn't talk about anything to do with it.
( Kroney, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:23, Reply)

I like your style Kroney
Bury the pain into a bitter little singularity that will eventually create a misery supernova destroying everyone within 2 degrees of speration
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:26, Reply)

if you can bottle it
you can sell it. bitterness and tears in a bottle
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Eventually it'll end up in a gun rampage.
It's the only appropriate behaviour for REAL MEN
( Kroney, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:29, Reply)

guns are for wimps and girls and teenage emoths.
Men use knives.

Gentlemen use swords.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:30, Reply)

and perverts use their cock

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:31, Reply)

I wonder how many people you could kill with your cock......
and what the best method would be.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:32, Reply)

i suspect very
few with mine
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:34, Reply)

You can use mine love

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:39, Reply)

cheers
that should up my hit rate to 'one slight bruising'
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Why would she downgrade to an even less powerful weapon?
BOOM
( Kroney, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Steel's not terribly well suited for an office massacre.

( Kroney, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:32, Reply)

it is if you mean it.
and much more satisfying. Fuck it I could garrot my whole department with a printer cable.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Have a look at the office weaponry website.
Much more creative.

www.officeguns.com/
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:36, Reply)

creative yes, fatal no.
Looking at my desk, where I to rampage I'd be shanking people with a sharpened screwdriver most likely.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:48, Reply)

I've got a few ball point pens on mine
That'd do it, well enough.
( Kroney, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:54, Reply)

i have a flashgun
and craft knives on my work desk. but i don't want to kill anyone yet. Wait until september, though
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:56, Reply)

I used to have a great bif adjustable spanner sitting on my desk, just so I could meditatively slap it against my palm when ever anyone asked me to do anything.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 12:08, Reply)

sigh
down the pub roughly up the arse
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:26, Reply)

I don't know, if he's feeling vulnerable
it'd probably be a gentle and sympathetic anal raping.
( Kroney, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:30, Reply)

the most considerate of all anal rapes

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Easy
Monty: you're not me.

You're welcome.

Alt: Yep. All at once, ideally.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Picking your nose whilst having a wee in the shower?
I'll bet you don't wipe your arse properly and use the shower as a bidet too, watching all the clagnuts go down the plughole leaving you with a fresh, clean ringpiece.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:35, Reply)

I want to provide an elaborate response about the importance of a clean bottom in my lifestyle
but I have to admit; that's disgusting.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:37, Reply)

I discovered evidence of this during uni.
I never used that shower again.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:40, Reply)

You weren't by any chance in a hall just near the Edgware Road
Which had one creepy resident who left a soup bowl of his own faeces in one of the girls' shower blocks?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:46, Reply)

No.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Most Japanese toilets have an electronically-controlled bum spray nozzle
That amused me no end.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:38, Reply)

"Amused", eh?
Hello good sir. Glad to see you back alive and tsunami-free. I assume it was awesome.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Thanks man
It really was. I will go back as soon as finances allow.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Very glad to hear it mate
*envies*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:47, Reply)

I'll imagine it came as a surprise first time round.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:40, Reply)

and the he spent
the rest of his trip playing with it. the other stuff is just made up to make it look like he did proper things
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:43, Reply)

Kinda, it's not automatic
Each loo has a control pad, where you can control seat temperature, nozzle spray temp and pressure (and angle on some), deodoriser, lid raising/lowering and even looping flushing sounds to assist the poo-shy.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:43, Reply)

woah
it sounds like you went to the future
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:44, Reply)

it was the poo-ture

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:44, Reply)

nicely done, sir

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:45, Reply)

It felt like it
Made me resent the poor offerings in the UK.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:45, Reply)

have you forgotten how
to wipe your own arse now?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:46, Reply)

In technologically backward England
You wipe your own arse.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 12:07, Reply)

"Hmmm, what does this button do?"

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:45, Reply)

TAMPAX REMOVER!
Do not press.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:46, Reply)

I can imagine someone's face on encountering this.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 22 Aug 2011, 11:55, Reply)

I'd give him a massive bag of MDMA.
I did it for my brother when he was leaving for V Festival (I know I know, but he's seventeen so we'll give him a pass) on Friday and he's just got back, and just said thank you about a thousand times. What a brother I am eh!?!?!?!
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 12:08, Reply)