I once slammed my car door shut while I was holding it with the other hand
and trapped my thumb.
Two days later, I did exactly the same thing. Same door, same hand, same thumb.

When have you damaged yourself in an entertaining manner?

Alt: Tell me tales of when you've caught someone out trying to scam you/someone else.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:06, 119 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Back when I did exercise, we were riding our bikes up at the South Downs
I decided to ride down the side of the hill to see how fast I could go. They're very steep hills and the ground was very rough. I started to lose control and couldn't brake as I was airborne sixty percent of the time. I eventually hit a log seven or eight feet from the hedge at the bottom of the hill.

The bike went over and threw me clean over the hedge and into the next field.
( Kroney, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Ah, the South Downs.
Best of all the mong hill regions.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:11, Reply)

I like this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:38, Reply)

At school I was leaning with my hand on my chin listening to the teacher and I dozed off
my elbow slipped off the desk and I stabbed myself in the forehead with the pencil I was holding.

It really hurt, but no one had seen what I did so I demonstrated to them what had happened and why I was in pain. And promptly stabbed myself again.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Excellent.
Bonus points for complete idiocy.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Was it true, or an urban myth, that a girl stuck a pencil up her nose and someone slamed her head on the table and it killed her?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:25, Reply)

I'm not sure that being a dozy idiot qualifies me as an expert on this.
But I'm guessing Urban Myth. Like the one about the person who put pencils up their nose and slammed their head into the desk to kill themselves in an exam.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:32, Reply)

That could very well be the story that I'm talking about but I've got it wrong at some point.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:40, Reply)

goddamit beth
threadstomping bitch. i wanted to know what people thought might be lurking at the bottom of the antarctic lake after 1,000,000 years of blissful, if cold, solitude!

whatever it is, i bet it posts on b3ta.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:13, Reply)

You could have left it.
I think we're clever enough to handle two threads.

Whatever it is down there, I bet it could beat [insert name of random poster] in an IQ test.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:16, Reply)

I think it's the reset switch.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I'll take "Swipe's dignity" for 500 points.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:23, Reply)

and i thought we were friends :(

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Perhaps if you'd touched his willy...

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:39, Reply)

True story, I once was with a girl who gave my willy a peck, and considered it a blowjob well done.
I mean, literally, a peck, like you'd give your grandma on the forehead so she doesn't have to get up before you leave.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:48, Reply)

get it up before you leave, more like

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:50, Reply)

At least she didn't create a nice vacuum seal and then blow with all her might.
I bet that would hurt.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:50, Reply)

Haha, it's when you tie it up in a knot afterwards.
*winces*
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:53, Reply)

And then go 'ta-da!' and brandish it like a balloon animal.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Haha, not quite a kangal, more of a wrinkly pug.
And following on from this line of thought, I'm wondering what would happen if you gave someone a hellium enema.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:00, Reply)

you mean would they float off teh bed?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Squeeky fart?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:11, Reply)

I'll never understand why I was thrown out of that children's birthday party

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:00, Reply)

Oh per-lease, like you didn't lol at that.
I'm going for the "Edgy cool sarcastic hawt" look, is it working? Am I cool and edgy and sarcastic and hawt? I thought I pulled it off well, but I might have gone to far, was it to far? I don't think it was too far. I hope it doesn't turn me into the perma-gay-BFF that Chompy seems to have gotten himself stuck in.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:42, Reply)

it worked alright, even if it did make me cry
i don't think you need to worry about getting stuck in his rut, dude.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:49, Reply)

You know how england sometimes have a hosepipe ban 'cus [all the available options] has all dried up?
Well, following on from this metaphore, I know what ethopia feels like.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Last week I fell over a sign and bashed my knee spectacularly while holding a box full of sound equipment.
Today I fell over a fan holding the same box of sound equipment. My left knee is pretty and purple and blue and black and brown and scabby.

Alt: people try to fool me all the time. It usually works unfortunately.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Some neuroscientists are doing a study on the link of gullability and diet at the moment.
edit: well done, they published a week or so ago.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:16, Reply)

I call bullshit.

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I'll get you a link

(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:18, Reply)

http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v475/n7355_supp/full/475S9a.html
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:21, Reply)

ha.

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:22, Reply)

I ended up in hospital having my stomach pumped
after drunkenly slipping on a bathmat and knocking myself out against the bathroom wall.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:17, Reply)

My mate passed out mid-piss after having some major weed
He smashed a tooth out and knocked himself out on the bog rim and woke up covered in his own piss
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Nice.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:35, Reply)

The catches on most of the doors in work are knackered
As a result, it's rare you need to push down on the handle to open the door.

About 6 months ago, I was walking through the bureau, trading the usual insults with the staff downstairs. I turn to offer a rude gesture, and as I turn back round I walk straight into the door, which had picked this one fucking time to actually shut.

Results - Sore nose, severely damaged pride.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:18, Reply)

We have push button doors here that comedically don't open after you push the button.

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:35, Reply)

There was a story on here a while ago about someone who knocked out the power for the building, meaning the electronic doors weren't working
The woman in charge didn't notice, walked quickly down the hall, waved her pass in the general direction of the sensor (which usually worked) and proceeded to walk straight into the closed door.

Wonderful mental image.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:41, Reply)

This happens at least once a day in here

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Haha
Film it for YBF?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:46, Reply)

I may do!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

That would be doubly excellent if she was one of those up-her-own-arse women
and she's brushed aside someone trying to warn her.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:43, Reply)

My meds make me clumsy as hell - permanently bruised somewhere or other.
I have a habit of burning myself on oven dishes - particularly when cooking and drunk.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:19, Reply)

I burned myself on an oven tray a couple of weeks back
That stung quite a bit
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Tends to sting the following day once I have sobered up.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:31, Reply)

If only I was drunk when I did it...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:34, Reply)

A former colleague of mine
sustained a minor ankle injury having a shit at work.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:20, Reply)

That may need further explanation...

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:23, Reply)

The bowl cracked off the pedestal mid dump.
This caused the whole thing to suddenly drop down and shift sideways. The resulting action of trying not to fall off and end up in a pool of his own bodily waste products caused him to twist his ankle.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:26, Reply)

The look on his face when he came back to his desk was priceless.
He had to go home early as his trousers were absolutely sodden.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Fantastic.
I hope you took photographic evidence.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Alas, no.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:33, Reply)

This is an excellent mental image!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:44, Reply)

i used to do this very stupid thing
as a child where i would balance a pencil on my desk on its point and then lean with my front teeth on top of the pencil. kind of like resting your head on your hand, but on a pencil.

of course inevitably one day the pencil slipped and the end of it ripped its way across the roof of my mouth. it bled like a bitch, and of course because your mouth is hard to keep dry, it took ages to stop. about 3 days later... i did it again...... i was a stupid child.

i still have a tiny lump behind my front teeth where it didn't quite heal smoothly.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:20, Reply)

I slipped and fell over last night as my back yard was wet and sludgy.
I grabbed the dustbin,(the lid had blown off), with my arm so I didn't end up with a wet arse and hurt my wrist and armpit.

I felt such a ninny.
( girlinthehole, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:20, Reply)

I also bang my knee a lot on my desk at work.
I'm forever banging some part of my body on hard corners. I don't seem to fit right in this world.
( girlinthehole, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:22, Reply)

I'm always doing this.
I'm blaming it on dyspraxia.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:32, Reply)

My mother once got me so drunk I fell over and broke my nose
I thought it was hilarious at the time. Less so the following morning.
I also suffer from numerous and frequent bike related mishaps, as anyone who is friends with me on facebook will know. This is only likely to get worse and more frequent as my new folding bike seems to have developed an insatiable appetite for my right leg.
(berk, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:22, Reply)

As long as it doesn't develop atalent for folding up while you're riding it.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:24, Reply)

Oh! Drunken accidents, I've got an awesome one.
I tore a good inch of flesh off my thigh by falling onto barbed wire. I didn't notice that until the following morning, either. I had to buy new bedding in the end.
( Kroney, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Presumably to show them what you wanted at the bedding shop
you would just have shown them the sheet that must have been stuck to your wound.

ouch.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:29, Reply)

It took a significant part of an hour
to peel it off and wash it out the three bloody great big gouges in my leg.

Luckily I'd had a tetanus booster a couple of years back after closing my penknife on my knuckle.
( Kroney, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:31, Reply)

I did similar.
I sliced my head open walking into a glass lamp shade drunk and decided to go to bed with a tea towel pressed against it. Took ages to get it unattached.

This was actually the last night I drank.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:35, Reply)

I can't ride a bike, I do hope this won't be a problem for us.
Where I work gives away £500/month for reviews of bikes though.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:36, Reply)

I sprained my ankle in Turin.
I was dancing on top of a bar with the owner doing a jig beside me (he loved us because there were about three hundred Fulham fans packed in his pub for three days solid), all was going well until I slipped and fell arse over tit onto the floor. Really fucking hurt and my mates laughing so much that it looked like they were going to burst didn't help. That was a bad couple days for falling over actually as when we scored I did a comedy tumble and ended up about eight rows infront of where I was originally standing.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:23, Reply)

The landlady at our local attempted to do 'owling' recently (that stupid thing of sitting on your feet, and tucking your legs into your chest)
She did it sat on her own bar, whilst rather merry. The amusement was less when she fell off a moment later, fracturing her breast bone(?)

Silly woman.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:33, Reply)

I like breasts

(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Me too!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:57, Reply)

I slammed myself in a door and dropped my computer on my face in the same day.
I walk into doorframes and I walked into a glass door yesterday.

No spatial awareness :(
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:26, Reply)

My ex father in law walked through some patio doors on holiday once.
Didn't realise they were closed, the stupid bugger.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:29, Reply)

I've seen someone do that.
And it is every bit as funny as you'd expect it to be. And it gets funnier the angrier they get at you for laughing.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:30, Reply)

As intelligent and highly educated as I pretend to be
I laugh like an absolute mong when I watch YBF. People falling over is just funny. Especially if they're being smartarse and doing skateboard tricks etc.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Did you watch 'World's Craziest Fools' when it was on?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:36, Reply)

I saw one or two on iplayer.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:41, Reply)

That was even better, I found.
Although I'll admit, I also love YBF
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:41, Reply)

I actually like the Harry Hill narrative too.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:44, Reply)

I hate Harry Hill.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

You should hear what he says about you.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

I saw about half an episode but found Mr T too annoying.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:42, Reply)

I think he's brilliant.
He's aware he's a ridiculous character, and embraces it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

I always like this:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhZRqPPTNjE
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:49, Reply)

Glass ones? Oh dear.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Oh yeah.
The state of his face when he got back home was a sight to behold. It kind of detracted from the mahogany sun tan a bit.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:34, Reply)

*belms*

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Hahaha
I've dropped my phone on my face before, but never a computer
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:34, Reply)

I like the story (I can't remember where I heard it, but I think it was on a panel show)
where a bloke passed out on his back with his hand sort in the air above his face. When he woke up, he saw it looming above him, panicked, and then it fell onto his face and broke his own nose.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:40, Reply)

I've told it before but I am proud of having the nerdiest injury in the world.
I fell asleep watching my laptop, my arm was on charger pack and now I have a scar just beneath my wrist. Never felt pain like it when I woke up due to the heat.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:41, Reply)

My mate once set his alarm to wake him up after a heavy night out
It turns out hairdryers aren't the best alarm. His room was about 50C when he woke up and could hardly breathe
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:43, Reply)

I'm surprised it didn't start an ALL OUT FEUD
resulting in petrol bombing the laptop and you being taken off in a Paddy Wagon.

Barry 2: The Streetz
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Morning NotBert

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:48, Reply)

morning scarpe
how's your business?
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:49, Reply)

I think RealBert
may have been around. Although you weren't here at the same time, suspiciously...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:50, Reply)

so is the new Monty Boyce actually the Old Bert?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:51, Reply)

I don't know really.
I'm just 100% convinced that Truthbert isn't really Bert.


But in general name changes and sockpuppets make me feel like the outdoors makes old people feel. Scared and confused.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:53, Reply)

There should be away of using IP addresses to get rid of sockpuppets.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Or common sense
They are shite
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:56, Reply)

A nuisance certainly.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:58, Reply)

too much bertin' gwan

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Indeed.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Barryz N the Hood

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:55, Reply)

my friend was once telling us how she had walked into a lamp post at great speed and really hurt herself
giving us a demonstration, she promptly walked smack into a teacher and they both went flying. no physical injury, but a week of detentions.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:51, Reply)

That reminds me of another story I read in the letters page of Just Seventeen (back in the day)
about this girl who was walking down the street, singing opera really loudly, because there was a pneumatic drill going or something that was maskingthe noise. Of course, it suddenly stopped, and everyone turned around to see who the weird singing bint was. She turned round as well, trying to look like it wasn't her, then immediately walked into a lamppost.

Why do the oddest things stick in your memory?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I walked into a lamppost aged about 7 on the way to school
I was in a nark and walking head down. Concrete lampposts do not have much "give" in them
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:56, Reply)

7 year olds' heads do.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:56, Reply)

I NO RITE

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:57, Reply)

It certainly explains a fair bit about you...

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 11:58, Reply)

Ha ha ha, check /talk.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:00, Reply)

Ha ha.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:02, Reply)

haha

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Has everyone fucked off to /talk now?
Also, one of the cool kids will have to explain to me what's funny, on account of me being thick.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Wot dunt u understnd beff?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:16, Reply)

I dunt understand nuffink rory.
*cries*
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:18, Reply)

There there, Bargain Hunt has just started, that should cheer you up chubbychops

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:21, Reply)

I'm totally watching it, rory.
Man, I'm so glad we're friends now and can chat like this.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:23, Reply)

The afternoons gonna be MEGA!! The Owl, Hotel Trubble, Shaun the Sheep ....
Newsround's a bit shit though
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:25, Reply)

That is exceptional

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:18, Reply)

Drank too much free booze in a hotel (concierge bar), woke up needing a pee, stabbed myself in the leg on the corner of my suitcase.
6 years on I still have the scar.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 12:00, Reply)