What's the worst joke ever?
the subject says it all but you'll only moan unless there's some text here

Maybe a line break, some comment about you as people

Alt: and a totally pointless alt question.
Edit: don't forget to edit after the post is made some stupid second alt question which is often just a rephrasing of the first.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:12, 192 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I'm quite proud of this post, but no one will reply because it's too clever.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:14, Reply)

I liked it
But I'm not going to comment on it.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Oh wait...
I did.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Oh man, I hope at least truth fairy will participate in this thread.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:16, Reply)

I thought Truthy's refusal to participate was dependent on Battered?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:19, Reply)

I like the one about the man at the bus stop and a little yappy dog and it's owner comes up
and I didn't mention that the man was eating fish and chips, but he was, so the little dog starts pestering the man for some fish and chips and he gets annoyed and finally says to the dogs owner "Is it okay if I chuck them a bit?" and the owner says "oh okay, if you're sure, I don't want to put you to any trouble and I'm sorry my dog was pestering you, I hadn't noticed, I'm a bit pre-occupied at the moment, you see, I'm only getting the bus because I was involved in a serious car crash yesterday and my wife is seriously ill in hospital so I'm going to see her but I have to drop the dog off at a friends first as I can't take him to the hospital" so the man says "Oh I'm really sorry to hear that, for the sake of a joke I was going to phrase my question in a way that made you think I wanted to give the dog fish and chips, but then actually pick up the dog and throw it in front of a moving car, but because of your sad tale of woe I'm going to bend down and feed it some fish and chips" so the chap bends down and the dog owner kicks him in the face and goes "PYSCH!!!! FUCKING GOT YOU DIDN'T I BITCH!!!! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET ONE OVER ON ME? YOU THINK YOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME? WELL FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" and then kicked the guy in the balls a few time and the dog does a wee on his chips.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:22, Reply)

tl, dr

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Is that a true story?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Yeah, happened in Southgate.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Cool

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:25, Reply)

wow
if only he'd had decent food from waitrose instead of a skanky takeaway, it could all have been so different.

i assume. i only got as far as "fish and chips" before i gave up. maybe he ends up going to waitrose. or LIDL, if he lived near al.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Oh I see what you did there, you assumed that because I live on the edge of London
that it must be full of "poor people" and therefore there must be a LIDL close by.

Sadly you're wrong. There is a Sainsburys though, does that make you feel better?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:27, Reply)

i have no idea nor any interest in where you live
but you do strike me as someone who would shop in LIDL. and then go on and on and on about how good and cheap it is.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:28, Reply)

OMG! Are you making assumptions about me? After all the nasty words you used about me for doing the same thing?
For shame Swipe. For Shame.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:31, Reply)

do as i say, not as i do
you know how it works.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Quite right
We can't all be fat lawyers.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:41, Reply)

i'm not fat
i'm big-breasted
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:53, Reply)

Do you know who I feel sorry for?
Fat girls with really small breasts. It's like some cruel joke of nature.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Like that mental bitch off X-Factor who punched her mate
Abbie something.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:08, Reply)

If I were to watch television
I am far too much of a snob to watch ITV.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:21, Reply)

This wasn't by choice, I was at a friend's house whilst her Mum had X-Factor on
One fat girl punched her mate for being a cock. Within a week she was posing topless in papers, absolutely sickening.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:30, Reply)

i don't
they can lose weight and still have small breasts.

whereas having stupid breasts that make you look much bigger than you really are underneath, and as if you might fall over, and as if your skinny(ish) legs and arse belong to someone else. THAT'S unfortunate.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:16, Reply)

I don't really feel sorry for them.
And you don't really think your breasts are stupid. You are quite proud of them, aren't you?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:18, Reply)

actually
the honest truth is no, i really fucking hate them.

i'd have a reduction like a shot if i weren't totally terrified of the thought of an operation!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:27, Reply)

Still, useful for getting sweaty-handed reactions on the internet, eh?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:29, Reply)

yes
yes, that does make all the painful shoulders and ugly bras and never being able to wear dresses because you are about 15 sizes different top and bottom and never being able to wear halter necks or polo necks all TOTALLY worthwhile.

ffs!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Phwoooar *rubs sweaty hands*
Actually, I tend to prefer the more petite décolletage. "Any more than a mouthful is a waste"
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:00, Reply)

depends how big your mouth is

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Don't forget the scarring

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Scarred? She said she was terrified
/gets coat
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:47, Reply)

and if you want an uplift too
which, let's face it, you're gonna need, they CUT YOUR NIPPLES OFF.

OFF!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Nothing is worth that

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:00, Reply)

I'd have it done in a heartbeat if I had the money spare.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:02, Reply)

it looks so horrifying though

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Pfft! any surgery looks horrifying.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:04, Reply)

But the scarring etc
simply isn't worth it
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:15, Reply)

It would be for me.
And I quite like scars.
( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:25, Reply)

Are you not eligible on the NHS?
Apparently I am. As long as I can maintain good posture though, I won't take it
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:26, Reply)

I doubt it. Probably not big enough to warrent it for my frame.
I suppose I could get a loan if I really wanted to.
( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:28, Reply)

It's worth asking them
after all I'm not exactly a monster, but it was literally offered to me the first time I mentioned it a few years back. And size is only one thing- they take into account a load of stuff
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:30, Reply)

That's the job I want!
Assessing who is eligible for breast surgery on the NHS.
Where do I apply for this?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:29, Reply)

You'd turn us all down.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:30, Reply)

I would assess each case on its individual merits

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:35, Reply)

To the department
where all the hideously fat women with 55HHHH folds of fat sit around waiting for you
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:30, Reply)

Oh yeah, hadn't thought of that
*retracts application*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:35, Reply)

I shop in lidl
well some times, but more for the variety than the price, although it is cheap....

/povvo
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:31, Reply)

I shop in lidl sometimes for the sausage
German sausage puts ours to shame
( Peej, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:41, Reply)

It's what you do with it that counts...

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:42, Reply)

This is the thing, as a rule all European food is better
hence my liking for it, also it's cheaper which is a bonus rather than a reason.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:48, Reply)

True fact
and at Lidl you can do the health lottery, I'm hoping to win a new liver.
( Peej, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:54, Reply)

This thread is a joke
There appears to be only you and me in it. And the lurkers I supppose *waves*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:22, Reply)

Oh, and Al

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:23, Reply)

*waves*

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Slowly they stroll in...
Welcome aboard Key-Ho-Tay
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:25, Reply)

It'll pick up when people start to notice.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:28, Reply)

Do you think the start of the thread was too clever?
and this is intimidating people?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:30, Reply)

I think that's probably it, it was questioning their fundemental belief in what an offtopic post should be.
It's shaken their sense of identity to the core.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:33, Reply)

I for one welcome our new tumbleweed overlords

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:30, Reply)

well done on the pronunciation tangles
You're my new fave
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:33, Reply)

I always was
You just weren't ready to admit it.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:35, Reply)

*smooches*
Don't tell Darth
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:40, Reply)

The Aristocrats.
I mean, it had nothing to do with animated cats. It was just a bunch of people saying rude words a lot.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:30, Reply)

BUM!
What was your moaning about work on FB about?
(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:31, Reply)

Just a small mishap, nothing more. It was just a shock is all.
But my lovely boss sorted it PRONTO.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Good good

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:37, Reply)

OMG I'm totally seeing you on friday night!

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:31, Reply)

OHEMEFFGEE!
There'll be, like, some drinks and things.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Will there be boobies?
Only your e-mail gave the impression there might be boobies. And, thing is, if there are going to be boobies, firstly I'll have to ask the wife, and secondly I'll have to ask your wife.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:38, Reply)

As far as I know, no boobies.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:43, Reply)

Sounds rubbbish
Count me out.
Oh... you were.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:44, Reply)

Oh good.
Then I can relax and enjoy myself.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:46, Reply)

Right, lads, lets get al with the boobies. PREPARE THE BOOB CANNON!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:47, Reply)

Tightly! Tightly!
Where did you stay in Portugal? Only one of the pics on FB looked remarkably like a little fishing village I stayed in yonks ago.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:39, Reply)

I heard it was called
"Casa Zu Davros Grandad Yonks Ago Fishing Village Tiniesto"
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:40, Reply)

OMG WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Pretty damned slim.
I reckon he should be playing the lottery with luck like that.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Were you at Gonz's last night and did you get any baklava?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:43, Reply)

A lady never baklava's and tells.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:44, Reply)

I didn't get any Baklava, but I wasn't actually in Gonz's just in the sushi restaurant nearby.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Ah.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Turns out "all you can eat sushi" is quite a lot.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:06, Reply)

Did they have any beef tataki?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:09, Reply)

Is that the seared stuff?
Nope. But they had so much other stuff. It was katsu/tempura/sashimi/nigiri heaven.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:11, Reply)

Yep, coated in peppercorns and seared
Absolutely beautiful. I need to have sushi again soon.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:15, Reply)

Davros! Davros!
It was a place called Carvoeiro. And it was very nice.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:43, Reply)

Not the same place then.
How are you old chap?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:44, Reply)

Well, thank you, I'm well.
My house is nearly built, so that's exciting. and I heard a rumour you're in that London soon. I'll be there.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:46, Reply)

I'll totally gaz you details

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:47, Reply)

Yes indeed.
I'm hoping I don't have the same train problems as the missus did last time, as I'm not due in until about 5.30. Don't want to be late and all that.

When do you get the keys?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:47, Reply)

Good good.
Sometime in December. The roof is on the doors and windows are in, so I think now we're waiting on the kitchen and bathroom to be installed, for the landscaping to be done, and for the pavement to be laid.

Also, I'm sure it'd be quicker if that Kevin McLeod didn't keep hanging about the place going on about architectural integrity and the sweeping , faux gothic lines of the roof.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:53, Reply)

My teaching hours in the states. Fuck me the days are long.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Sorry, I think Al is busy fighting with Swipe at the moment
Will you be available to argue in about an hour?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:39, Reply)

Nope it's twenty to seven need to catch the l in fifteen
Sorry
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:41, Reply)

I think you must be younger than me Bobby
'Cause I don't really understand your reply.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:43, Reply)

I believe he is mentioning some form of train system.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:57, Reply)

Stephenson's Rocket?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:01, Reply)

Nah, he'll be eating lunch then
Always takes the best part of an afternoon.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Stop moaning.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:44, Reply)

2 blokes in a bar
One turns to the other, and says "Ask me if I'm an orange"
Bloke 2: "Are you an orange?"
Bloke 1: "No."
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:36, Reply)

Who is the orange?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:37, Reply)

Reminds me of a joke which tickled me when I first read it.
A man is walking down the street when he runs into his friend. But there's something different about him: his friend has an orange for a head.

So the man asks his friend, "Hey man, why do you have an orange for a head?"

And his friend replies, "Well I was digging through the trash and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and promised me three wishes."

The man then says, "That's cool, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

His friend replies, "Well for my first wish I asked to be the richest man in the world, and 'poof!' I had tons upon tons of gold bullion at my feet."

The man shuffles and asks again, "Okay, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

His friend smiles and says, "Wait, wait. I'm getting there. For my second wish I wished for the most beautiful woman in the world to be my bride, and 'poof!' there she was, the very likeness of Helen of Troy."

The man, dumbfounded and quite anxious asks once again, "Okay, but why do you have an orange for a head?!?"

To which his friend replies, "Well, for my third wish, I wished for an orange for a head."
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:39, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:40, Reply)

You didn't fuckinhg laugh when I told that a couple of weeks ago, did you?
I see how it is.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:43, Reply)

It's the way he tells 'em

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:45, Reply)

I didn't see it

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:46, Reply)

Yeah, that's right. you hide behind that.
People always claim 'Oh, I didn't hear it' or 'Oh, I am laughing on the inside' or 'shut the fuck up with your unfunny jokes, arsehole'.

bastards.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:48, Reply)

I used to tell this joke all the time
No-one ever laughed.
( Peej, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:47, Reply)

one day a bloke went to prison for sexual assault. in his cell he saw that his cellmate was a big man. The big bloke went up to the new guy and said, "To get to know each other let's play house. You want to be the mummy or the daddy?"

The new guy thought about it for a while and said "I'll be the Dad" so the big guy said "then come over here and suck mummy's dick"
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Last night
I went to an italian restaurant for dinner, but a fat person was standing in the door way, I couldn't get pasta
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:44, Reply)

You should have said a fat woman was in the doorway.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Quite probably
not sure why I didn't
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:47, Reply)

I went to the paint shop the other day to get some pale blue paint
But a fat man was in the doorway. I couldn't get past-al.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:50, Reply)

I went to HMV the other day for some wall coverings but Al was in the way
I couldn't get postal
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:53, Reply)

I put it to you that you haven't been in HMV for years.
Posters indeed. I bet you think Athena is still open.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:19, Reply)

I thought HMV had closed down
Or is this the joke?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:22, Reply)

Nope. Still going (not very) strong, probably not long for this world.
They get a bit of support from the record labels as they are almost the last "record shop" with a presence on the high st.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:26, Reply)

*shoots self*
I actually lolled at this
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:46, Reply)

Haha
What if the real Slim Shady is in a wheelchair?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:57, Reply)

I do not know, oh Amberl
Pray tell
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:02, Reply)

Something about standing up?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:06, Reply)

This is good.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:00, Reply)

All my jokes are terrible
But yesterday I had a hysterical laughing fit. My wife phoned me in floods of tears. When I asked her what happened I was expecting her to tell my that a relative had died or something tragic so when she told me between sobs that she was walking down the stairs and my three year old had lobbed an unused bar of soap down the stairs at her and smacked her in the back of the head I did what every normal person would do and laughed my ass off. When I got home and she was all cross I thought I could make it all better by reminding her the she once threw a hardback book at me as I was walking down the stairs after a row and that its just like mother like daughter. It didn't work.
( Peej, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:46, Reply)

I like this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:49, Reply)

This just reminds me of Vipros hitting himself in the face with a book
And as a result, I am now also lolling quite heartily.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:50, Reply)

An ex-colleague of mine used to pull the phone away from your head whilst you were using it
Your natural instinct is to pull it back, at which point he left go and you smacked yourself on the side of the head with it, while still trying to keep a straight face and talk to the customer.

The cunt
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:52, Reply)

That's quite amusing
in a 'but I'd be annoyed if someone did it to me' way.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:59, Reply)

It is very funny to watch

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:03, Reply)

I used to convince people that by attaching a paper clip to a rubber band, you could make it go far further
However, I'd discovered (painfully) that you couldn't fire it from your thumb if you did this, as it'd usually rocket quite hard straight into your nail. It seems that I wasn't the only one who hadn't considered this could happen, as everyone I suggested this to ended up with very sore fingers.

Very funny to watch, very painful to have it happen to you.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:05, Reply)

Haha
Once at work, I'd been using the mouse at someone else's desk, and not paying a huge amount of attention. As I stood up to walk away from the desk, the phone rang, and no-one was available to answer it. So, I walked swiftly back, and picked the phone up.

What I hadn't realised is that I'd laid the mouse wire over the phone cable, so when I picked the phone up in a hurry, the mouse took off, nearly hitting me in the face. The next 10 seconds were some of the most difficult of my life, as I tried desperately not to laugh as I put the customer through.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:00, Reply)

Sorry but your wife doesn't seem to have a sense of humour.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:03, Reply)

There's a priest in confessional, and he's doing the regular thing.
A girl comes in and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest asks her what she has done, and she says, "I let my boyfriend put his fingers in me."

The priest looked down the list and said "All right, that'll be two Hail Marys and an our father." The girl leaves, and a little while later, another girl enters.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned." He asks this girl what she's done, and she says, "I allowed my boyfriend to perform oral sex on me."

The priest again looks down the list, sees female oral sex and read it off, "Three hail Marys and two our fathers."

The girl then leaves. A little while later, the priest is getting restless - he had some chili for lunch, and it's coming back to haunt him. Finanlly, he goes out, grabs a janitor, and says, "You've got to man the confessional for me, I'm about to shit myself"

The janitor looks dazes, and says, "I can't do that!" The priest says, "Of course you can. Just ask them what they've done and read the punishment off the list."

The janitor reluctantly gets in the confessional. A few minutes later a girl comes into the booth and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The janitor says, "What did you do?"

The girl says, "I gave my boyfriend a blowjob." The janitor looks down the list... Shit! He thinks to himself.

There's nothing here for blowjob. He runs out of the confessional and looks for someone who might know. He grabs a choirboy and asks, "Hey
what does the priest usually give for a blowjob?"

The choirboy replied, "Two mars bars and a can of coke".
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:53, Reply)

Fuck, my priest only gave us a kitkat

( Peej, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:56, Reply)

4 fingers?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:59, Reply)

At least he put it in a shiny wrapper

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:00, Reply)

What about lunch?
I had lunch. Did everyone else have lunch? B3ta needs to know?
( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:02, Reply)

Home made spicy sausage pasta
Twas rather lovely
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:03, Reply)

Sainsburys finest sandwich collection
Ham and mustard, egg mayo and prawn mayo. Bag of chipotle chilli crisps and bottle of coke. £3 to you madam
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:04, Reply)

Subway. Six inch meatball marinara on hearty Italian, all salads except cucumber and green peppers, and honey mustard dressing.
It was nice.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:05, Reply)

Olives and jalapenos are vile
And I'm yet to try honey mustard on meatball, as I find a little BBQ sauce is pretty damn good.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Hmm. Next time I'l try the BBQ sauce.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:08, Reply)

Only a small amount is needed, mind.
But it's rather tasty
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:09, Reply)

That is literally the only Subway worth eating.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:08, Reply)

And only £2.29 on a Tuesday.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:08, Reply)

£2.29?
It's £1.99 here
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Is that with the schoolboy discount?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:16, Reply)

he pays them extra in t-shirt based 'LOLS'

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:17, Reply)

The northern discount

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:17, Reply)

^^Yep, this one

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:18, Reply)

CRACKERS!!!!!!!!
When are you coming to stay again?

OR ARE YOU TOO SCARED?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Monty!!! I'm not sure I can get away with vomiting in the work toilets again the following morning.
I'm not sure it's professional.

Oh, what the hell, maybe in a couple of weeks, eh?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:18, Reply)

You can always vomit in our toilet instead.
I don't mind.
( wanderlust, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:21, Reply)

Awww, thanks :)

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:23, Reply)

___sooo___ turned on right now.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:38, Reply)

Ha ha

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:43, Reply)

And it contains your weekly salt allowance
saving you money on salt for the rest of the week!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:14, Reply)

I disagree, the BMT is pretty good

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:15, Reply)

Does it have meatballs in it?
No?

I rest my case.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:16, Reply)

Unlike your chin

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:17, Reply)

I've tried.
I've rolled that around in my feeble brain and looked at it from various angles.

But I don't get it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:18, Reply)

You have balls on your chin because you suck off tramps for change and cigarette butts

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:20, Reply)

Oh!
That's why I didn't get it, I thought it was a joke, rather than an accurate reflection of how things work.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:20, Reply)

Glad we cleared things up, now off to the canal with you

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:21, Reply)

I'd struggle to call those things meatballs tbh.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:19, Reply)

Isn't Subway just McDonalds repackaged for gullible people?
They always smell the same whenever I've walked past.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:20, Reply)

They smell of disinfectant and vomit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:21, Reply)

and fat people

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:21, Reply)

Aren't fat people revolting?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:23, Reply)

peasants.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:24, Reply)

Yes
yes they are, morally and nasally replusive
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:35, Reply)

Hah, yeah' right, the lazy cunts wouldn't even get up to form a coup

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:39, Reply)

Difficult to protest when you have to stop to send someone to the garage for more Ginsters and Cheetos

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:43, Reply)

And again Haha
You're on form Gonzo
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:46, Reply)

I had a delicious lunch
chicken, mushrooms, onion and celery fried together and then a couple of spoonfuls put in chicken noodle soup. Rest will be for dinner
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:10, Reply)

Homemade falafel in Pitta.
I am very chuffed with the homemadeness.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:25, Reply)

With humous or it can be a bit dry?

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:26, Reply)

With houmous
ALthough humous is just liquid falafel really.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Might be nice with salsa too.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:39, Reply)

Doesn't count if you bought the pita bread

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:27, Reply)

Who makes their own pitta bread?

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:29, Reply)

Greeks?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:30, Reply)

Well yes, apart from the Greeks, who makes their own pitta bread?

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:31, Reply)

Turks?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:34, Reply)

Ok, well apart from people who live around the mediterranean, who makes their own pitta bread?

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:35, Reply)

bakers?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:36, Reply)

No, bakers make pitta bread for other people, not for themselves.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:38, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1395282
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:39, Reply)

He's a law unto himself.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:40, Reply)

At the weekends?
; )
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:39, Reply)

This is next on the list, it looks simple enough

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:37, Reply)

I still haven't got round to trying pizza dough again after the last failure.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:41, Reply)

When a person with a lisp says "bithneth"
you know they mean business.

alt: A purchased ham salad baguette, as I could not muster sufficient arsedness this morning to make a sandwich. Also the only meat in my fridge at the moment is pepperoni, and a cheese and hummous sandwich just wasn't going to cut it.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:35, Reply)

Freaky tongue abominations, should have their faces removed for the good of the world

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:37, Reply)