Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I was in my office todayand I had a cup of coffee, then I looked out the window and did some breathing.
When was the last time you experienced a white-knuckle ride of excitement and thrills not dissimilar to the sort of stuff one might find in a 'Nic' Cage or 'Bruce Willis' film?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:03,
192 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
I'm going to shave again tonight.Stay tuned for more facial topiary based updates.
(, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:05, Reply)
I'm not sure this old ticker of mine can cope with all this stuff Al I'm really not(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:05,
Reply)
Fucking hell, upsetting Emvee isn't so much 'shooting fish in a barrel' as 'nuking a shark in a wine glass' innit?b3ta.com/questions/mysaviour/post1957833
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Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:48,
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NEAR THE TOPPING(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:37,
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You're all about getting pictures of people on here, aren't you?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:21,
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Could you reach higher than Floor 3?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:07,
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only if it's raining?(
glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:59,
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You have whats in your shoes sorry?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:11,
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Christ mate bit early for that surely?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:13,
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I see what you did there Catweazle. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:16,
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what's the tallest building you was ever in? (
Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:14,
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Used to work on the 39th floor when I lived in Hong Kong.Edit: just found this on my laptop, picture from my office window when I worked there:
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:15,
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OMG now we know you wear shirts like some sort of shirt lifter!!!!(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:26,
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Put some clothes on when taking pics please(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:26,
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You could feel the building move during a storm. An unpleasant sensation. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:30,
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Bourton on the Water model village, poor old Battsy here got vertigo in the model windmill and had to be airlifted downby Lego helicopter.
:o(
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:18,
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Oh, so it's 'Nic' now, is it?Well la-di-da, Mr. Friend-to-the-stars.
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Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:10,
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You wait, they'll get Boyce under Yewtree, him and all his noncey celeb mates.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:12,
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I was only saying to my dear pal The Great Suprendo the other day,Nic's changed, he used to be such a dear boy, now he's a horse-faced nonce. The 'Christian O'Connell of film', if you will.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:13,
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www.theshiznit.co.uk/media/NewsJan2011/cage-matrix-final-5.jpg
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Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:18,
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how did "The Rock" get on the serious side of the graph?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:21,
Reply)
That man has never done anything of merit in his entire career.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:22,
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I'm gonna be honest Monty, I'm having a fucking dull afternoon. But at least I have a pint of beer and a comfy bar stool.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:14,
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So when am I having the pleasure of a WP London pissup?There's one on Fri night if you can lie your way into a night off.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:15,
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I'm a great liar, but not that great. Probably June at this rate me old mucker. The manager who oversaw the death pub has raised a grievance against me and my area manager and another manager, so this is all dragged out another 2 weeks at least.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:21,
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Oh poo. Poo, I say. POO.You heard me - POO.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:24,
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The guy is a fucking wanker.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:25,
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Why would he raise a grievance against you?Your managers I can understand, but you just covered his MurderPub whilst he was otherwise indisposed.
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Kroney, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:26,
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:28,
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I held a disciplinary for his assistant manager, the guy actually on duty at the time, And despite him having a final written, I didn't fire him, just put him on an improvement course and a year of monitoring. He is claiming that if I had fired him, the event would never have taken place.
This misses the point that the investigation after the fact shows him to be an incompetent cretin.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:32,
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Am I reading this right?He's actually suggesting that if he hadn't gone on a course, the guy wouldn't have died?
Well, you're alright, then. There's no way that can be reasonably upheld. Ballache, mind.
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Kroney, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:34,
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IT'S NOT MY FAULT SIR IT WAS WINDY PIG SIR HE DID IT SIR(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:34,
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I have none of these things(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:15,
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I'm 'sitting on a stool' but you wouldn't describe it as 'comfy'(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:16,
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I've got the fucking dull afternoon.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:16,
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I have been spending mine going through all the required functionality for a computerised store till system.Work doesn't get much duller.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:17,
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hilarious strikethroughJesus wept... twice in one day you fuckers with your faster than me wit.
(, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:22, Reply)
utterly hysterical strikethrough ANDREW MARR!!!!(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:24,
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You reckon?I've been reading a 25 page document on 'Guidance on Interpretation and Compliance with the *related to my job* Regulation.'
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:20,
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I am coding in a timing sub-procedure into our upgrade scriptsThis is as boring as it sounds
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:22,
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Right fuck this, I'm going home.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:25,
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I am investigating some attribute mappings on the plus side I am lying on my couch with the laptop rather than being stuck in the office.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:27,
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I'm in my pub, Typing at you lot from a phone fast running short on battery.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:25,
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Only on the internet would people be trying to out-dull each other with tales of their employment.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:25,
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are you kidding me?you should go to drinks with a team of corporate lawyers.
"i was at work til 4am last night. blah blah take over blah blah acquisition blah blah sale and purchase agreement"
"part timer. some of us start work at 4am and never go home blah blah AIM float blah blah"
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:26,
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Oh, I had some blood test results todayand I'm not dying. At least not of any of the things they tested me for. So that's something.
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Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:19,
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I for one am both relieved and elated by this news(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:20,
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I won't give them the satisfaction, MontsAlso, I promised Windy he could run me over in his car.
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Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:22,
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I sold that car, so you're safe, the new one doesn't have the gravitas or dignity yo be the vehicle of your demise. My bald prince.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:28,
Reply)
that's not what you said on tuesdayyou specifically said, and i remember it most clearly, "i'll have a pint of grolsch, a trinidad & tobago pizza, and i really fucking hope two hats dies of AIDS".
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:25,
Reply)
what the Fuck sort of job did Him get with the RSPB? Is he sweeping up poop from the floor of the cages or are they actually letting him near animals?
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:22,
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Nah he's still on the dildos, so to speak(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:25,
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He'll be approaching people in the street asking for donations and thatThe fat ballbag
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Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:34,
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I'm totally putting money on you having some somewhere(
glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:01,
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if i could name names, you'd find my afternoon quite excitingit involves a MAJOR restaurant and some salacious activities relating to...... rights of light......
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:20,
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if it's a big chain I want the gossip. I've worked for a couple of the big chains in my time.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:24,
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it is a big namebut not a big chain, if that makes sense
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:24,
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Wimpeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:26,
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do they still exist?i remember they had signs in the window saying "i like wimpy parties" which always made me LOL as a kid
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:27,
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Yes they do. Small franchise, there's one at Clapham Junction.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:29,
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kinda, but doesn't narrow it down a whole lot. I promise not to tell everyone I know in the catering industry if you gaz me the details. I will even reply with a cock gaz, with or without my luscious ginger pubes in shot, depending on your preference.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:27,
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let's get this into perspectivewe are talking about a rights of light claim. as in, you can't build there, it will affect my windows.
i can't think of a single person in the catering industry who would give a single fuck, surely? ginger pubez or not.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:28,
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gossip in my industry is serious currency. (
Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 9 May 2013, 16:34,
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TELL THAT TO BILL GATES!!!!!AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:40,
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big name you say is it Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis Inn
(, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:28, Reply)
FFFFFUCKnews.nationalgeographic.co.uk/news/2008/10/081027-vampire-moth-evolution-halloween-missions.html
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Kroney, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:28,
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"the insects drilled their hook-and-barb-lined tongues under the skin and sucked blood."
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:30,
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don't leave a light on a night, now.Oh, and sleep tight.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:40,
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Meh, if they start to become dangerousit ceases to be a phobia. So look on the bright side.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:39,
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HAHAHA!You know more about nerdy shit than I do.
I hope you feel proud of yourself.
Also, I'm not happy that you put me on your death list. I thought me and you was tight?
(, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:42, Reply)
everyone had zork as a kidi just assumed it was short for gruesome?
we might be, but that doesn't mean i don't want to piss on your grave.
anyway, wouldn't you rather incite feelings of burny hatred than grey "meh"?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:48,
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you have a death list, now?(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:49,
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It might develop into Speed, and keanu Reeves will save your sorry ass.(, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:32, Reply)
You can't grow vans mate, and it's my mum that's the dyke, not me OK?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:33,
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she ent into buggery neither, that's the other ones(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:01,
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Bit forward, don't you think?You could at least get him a pint first.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:39,
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I like to cut to the chase(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:46,
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woah calm down alrightyou'll do yourself a mischief
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Theoban What of it, Thu 9 May 2013, 16:49,
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unlike poor old gonz/battered/theoban/phillijo/mighters(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:03,
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wait, why am I on this list?I mean, fingers crossed and that, but I'm pretty sure my marriage isn't falling apart or owt.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:05,
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when was mini badger born?In my experience it takes a few weeks to all "knit" back together
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:06,
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Emergency C-section, my friend.Choice of a new generation*
*not at all, it was fucking awful, but no "knitting" required.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:09,
Reply)
shit, not nice...mini ape had to be pulled out by vontoose as her heart rate was dripping alarmingly, very nervous time. Luckily she didn't get a cone head as a result.
FOBTMN
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:13,
Reply)
yeah, same, except in place of "dropping" read "stopping"However, when they whipped her out there were no signs of distress at all, so I can only assume at at the age of 0 my daugher is already adept at taking the fucking piss.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:15,
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They tried a vontoose on micro, didn't work. Forceps look brutal, like massive BBQ tongs. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:21,
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And a few more weels to get your 'appetite' back if you were at the business end for the birth(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:10,
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A friend of mine offered up this legendary advice, in response to the "what's it like, y'know, being at the business end when she's giving birth?"He shuddered, took a long drink of his pint, and said "it's like watching your favourite pub burn to the ground"
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:12,
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I found it fascinating, never bother me at all afterwardsthere is that weird part where only the head is out and your wife looks like a playing card, but you know swings and roundabouts.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:14,
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Indeed. Obviously I can't comment on that.It's quite entertaining being in the theatre when your background gives you a level of knowledge of what's going on, though. I mean, once you've got some control over the whole "my wife and child might die" shit.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:16,
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My baby was born using forceps.LOTS of blood, swearing and tearing.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:19,
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and that was just the conception..(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:19,
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Not being a father, I don't know for certainbut I would imagine it takes a while to find your torn, bloodied and freshly shat-herself wife sexually attractive again.
If I have a kid, you'll find me in a man's natural place. Out in the corridor with a pipe, pacing.
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Kroney, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:13,
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god just imagine as she prolapses, haemorrhages and shits herself that an enormous swarm of vampire moths flies out of her ruined orifices all covered in blood and shit(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:17,
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THIS is why you are good at the internet(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:24,
Reply)
can you gaz me Kronely's phone number so I can text him this just before bedtime?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:26,
Reply)
3 weeks ago.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:10,
Reply)
Imagine if your two kids grew up to get married._their_ kids would have the perfect genepool.
Not being all Nazi or anything, but i'd admit that kid would be the master race.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:16,
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I dunno about that, it'd be a massive cunt that was always right on the internet, though.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:18,
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I didn't mock Al's weight.I'm not a monster.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:20,
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Wikipedia will never be the same again.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:22,
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I have no food in the house...I could get a kebab on the way home...(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:04,
Reply)
I've got beef stew I made last weekI shall have it with croquettes I reckon.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:11,
Reply)
is this an invite?It sounds like an invite
I'm pretty sure sure this IS an invite
Ok I'll do it! gaz me your address yeah
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:15,
Reply)
I think the gaz system is broken, i ent got that address yetmaybe try again yeah?
cheers
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:18,
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Yer it's deffo an invite I reckon(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:20,
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should I take flowers do you think or some cider?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:21,
Reply)
I'll jam it backwards up my arse so that when I clench I squirt out a stream of oily goodness(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:24,
Reply)
Get HimJim to bike over a 24" dildo and some manpons(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:22,
Reply)
Thanks for voting for reply 1958014!
Close Window
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:25,
Reply)
Since Lusty moved in which is getting on for a couple of years now, I don't think we have had a single takeaway(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:21,
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i didn't realise you guys had been together so longshe alright? She doesn't gaz me any more :(
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:25,
Reply)
She's great taGot promoted so has less time to piss about, nowt personal don't worry. She's at that rubbish bit when you're promoted enough that you have to do loads of work, you know, the bit before everyone else has to do the work and you can piss about again.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:29,
Reply)
I still enjoy a good takeaway but I do a lot more cooking these days, especially in the slow cooker which makes 4-5 portions at a time.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:27,
Reply)
We just never have them.There's a pretty decent curry place on Cambridge Heath Road but if we're having curry inevitably Paedoo's is the provider.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:31,
Reply)
That's one of the problems with Poland. Can't get decent curry. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 May 2013, 18:38,
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Bollocks, you got her that salt beef bagel that made her go all gay for you.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:30,
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That's not takeaway in my eyes.I mean 'call up a place and have a meal delivered' not 'pop out to get a snack from a shop and bring it home'
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:32,
Reply)
Oh, in that case.... yeah', I still get a lot of take away. but only half of what I had before.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:37,
Reply)
was just beef, but he used it as a masterbatery aid(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 9 May 2013, 17:53,
Reply)
Bent spasticity, innit?(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 9 May 2013, 18:24,
Reply)
I think he's painting his toenails turquoise, Monts.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 9 May 2013, 18:32,
Reply)
Just heading out now.Byeee!
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 9 May 2013, 18:41,
Reply)
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