Hi pricks!!
TGIF amirite?!?!
Course I am.
I didnt bother reading the last thread so feel free to regale me with your weekend plans of debauchery.

alt. That pilot weren't depressed were he?
I mean, I've had a few off days but ive never drove a plane full of passengers into the alps.
When was the last time YOU overreacted?

altalt. Dream jobs please.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:32, 215 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

dream job is personal podiatrist to sian williams
That's Williams. Not Lloyd.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:38, Reply)

HI JAYSUMZ
This weekend I'm getting married!

Alt: A few minutes ago when some flucken mick cunt from our IT provider remotely accessed my computer while I was in the middle of something, so I turned it off when he was in the middle of doing whatever they do. That'll learn him.

Altalt: My dream job is starting next year when I retire.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:38, Reply)

Yeah right!! I would have almost certainly got a bridesmaid invite?! :(
alt. I shut down peoples headsets all the time. it gives me reet giggles.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:43, Reply)

Yes, yes you would. I'm going to wear my 'The Simpsons' tie!!!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:45, Reply)

You're SO wakki!!!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:47, Reply)

The other guests are going to LOVE it!!!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:48, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFBWPcaMKeo
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:53, Reply)

Yesssssss! Now we don't have to pretend we like each other in front of other people!!!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:55, Reply)

friend's wedding tomorrow/sunday
it's at quite a cool place over in east london, should be a laugh.

alt: traffic. every. time.

altalt: i'd like to be a really really awesome singer.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:39, Reply)

altalt. Me too! let's duet on X Factor.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:44, Reply)

what does tomorrow/sunday mean?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:47, Reply)

It means you can't sit in the corner sulking and getting drunk and then insist on leaving early.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:48, Reply)

I don't understand what's happening Sunday. I had planned to watch television all day. I hope this isn't being thwarted.
Surely it can't last two days
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:50, Reply)

You agreed to rachel's plan instead when you got in last night.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:51, Reply)

shit why do I always do that?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:52, Reply)

Boobs

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:57, Reply)

the cause of, and solution to all of my problems

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:00, Reply)

TGGI

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:00, Reply)

GGI ITS
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:02, Reply)

I like breasts.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:05, Reply)

there's a brunch thing on the sunday
you don't have to go to that bit if you don't want to
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:54, Reply)

Yesssssss#2!!! Sons of Anarchy all day

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:56, Reply)

but what if the brunch thing is a Full English Breakfast????

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:59, Reply)

I can go to the cafe down the road for that Lightso, the brunch thing is in Shoreditch and I spend too much time there already even though it's rubbish

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:01, Reply)

What kind of bore dreams about a job?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:44, Reply)

can't shovel shit all your life m8

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:48, Reply)

to be fair, the bloke here who does all the blockages oj the toilets has been doing it 20 years and seems to love his job.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:02, Reply)

Is he 20?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:04, Reply)

n

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:04, Reply)

So it's not all his life then. I WIN AGAIN!!! MEATSNAKE! MEATSNAKE!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:06, Reply)

all of his working life.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:07, Reply)

too late brah, already announced my victory soz

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:08, Reply)

I do not recognise your victory.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:10, Reply)

I recognise your losery

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:11, Reply)

I recognise that you have a colossal head.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:17, Reply)

I recognise you
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:22, Reply)

I thought this was closer
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:01, Reply)

Ha! Windy Pig has bigger muscles though.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:01, Reply)

a clinically drepressed homosexual ppi claims call centre team leader with weight problems and male pattern baldness

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:48, Reply)

just a wild guess

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:48, Reply)

horribly accurate
Or perhaps someone who works in the compliance department of a big name in the Financial industry that provides solutions to HNW individuals, aka them legalised thieves.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:05, Reply)

dunno why professional advice equates to theft

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:08, Reply)

makes money charging for advice or on commissions? if the former then I retract.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:09, Reply)

commission for investment advice hasn't existed for a couple of years now
It's all fee based and the client agrees the fee beforehand.

Cheers
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:12, Reply)

cheers

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:12, Reply)

lol

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:14, Reply)

thieves

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:16, Reply)

and liars

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

finally someone prepared to say what we are all thinking

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:21, Reply)

Murderers! Hypocrites!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:28, Reply)

i enjoy the bits where i explain to single mothers going through a possession hearing why they left it too late to complain about their mortgage
Lol
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:11, Reply)

or explain to investment managers that they knew exactly what they were doing when they signed up to tax avoidance schemes
Lol
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:13, Reply)

I'm actually interested a bit in your dull job.
What would she be complaining about?
Both mortgage companies I've dealt with have always been pretty clear about giving us a respite on repayments of there is a financial struggle.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:16, Reply)

in that particular case, affordability
Can't go into details, but even if the complaint had been made in time they wouldn't have had a leg to stand on. We 100% did nothing wrong.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

I understand you can't go in to details, but if she signed the paperwork, and the lender had done the affordability checks,
Why would they think they could complain?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:20, Reply)

because we did the advice and arranging
Plus, when people are desperate they'll do everything they can to try and get money.

I received some letters which were less than complimentary.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:22, Reply)

it must be brilliant cashing in on the misery and suffering of other people

(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:24, Reply)

it's very fulfilling

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:26, Reply)

seems a bit daft.
The only way they wouldn't be able to afford it is in the case of a change in their circumstances, or they lied to the adviser. knobs
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:27, Reply)

bet he's the creepy one who sits there
and offers the single mothers a break if they breastfeed in front of him
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:29, Reply)

+ with their shoes off

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:18, Reply)

no, with a pair of Vivienne Westwood loveheart heels on
You fucking weirdo.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:19, Reply)

because the public
as a trainee i got numerous people turning up with a writ for possession. WHY DID YOU SIT ON IT UNTIL NOW?!

one of them turned up at 2pm when the bailiffs were coming at 10am the following morning. i said i'd rush in an urgent application, but in the meantime, he should start packing, just in case. he said he would just set tupac on them.

i asked who tupac was.

his dog.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:23, Reply)

Move your fascination with me elsewhere.
It's almost as dull as your replies.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

you had time off for depression?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:51, Reply)

wouldn't you, if you had his life?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:52, Reply)

Thats what beer is for?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:59, Reply)

are we answering questions with questions today?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:06, Reply)

Maybe?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:06, Reply)

is that a good idea?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:11, Reply)

Morning Jay
Weekend plans consist of curry tonight, Parkrun in the morning and some overtime that I can fit in around this. Went for a fast run last night. 4k in 19 mins

Alt:
I like to over-react often about small things. Driving in particular is one
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:52, Reply)

hi we should totes friend each other on mapmyrun

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:06, Reply)

Endomondo or GTF

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:07, Reply)

yeah, that too

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:08, Reply)

slapmybum more like amirite?

(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:13, Reply)

sliponeinyourbum Moah like

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:17, Reply)

whahey!

(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:23, Reply)

My ankles still fucked off my last one so ive had to have 2 weeks off :(

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:17, Reply)

dodgy ankles, do something other than run

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:20, Reply)

I am!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:30, Reply)

HI JAY!
This weekend I am doing MORE KITCHEN! Fucking sick of it but at least I now have the Oak I wanted at no extra cost.

Alt. I'm more of an underreactor. The wife hates it, I always look at the positive side of everything. She's the overreacter, for example, small leak in pipe "THE FUCKING HOUSE IS FALLING APART AROUND US" whislt I google "how to replace isolation valve" and pop off to B&Q

AltAlt. I already have my dream job.
( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:06, Reply)

How is the kitchen getting along?
I currently have alfresco washing machine and tumble dryer as the garage now has no back wall
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:07, Reply)

i am about to get the builders in

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:09, Reply)

I got the solid oak side panels installed
Worktops should be coming tonight. Downlighting getting installed tonight too. This weekend will be sink, taps, waste disposal, drainage, plinths, pelmets, cornice, breakfast bar, extractor, it never fucking ends.
( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:14, Reply)

I fucking love the words "plinth" and "pelmet"
They should be used far more often in erotic fiction
(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:16, Reply)

I've sniggered at far too many normal words whilst building this fucking thing

( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

this^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

I INSTALLED SOME SOLID OAK IN YOU ARE MUM IS SIDE PANELS LOL

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:16, Reply)

My mum IS side panels!

( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

Terrorist

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

We've cleared out the whole back of the house so it looks really massive and empty at the moment
A ton of steel going in next week
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:17, Reply)

also also ... why don't you just pay somebody to do it and go on holiday until it's finished

(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

If you can pay someone to do something and it costs less than (time it would take you * your hourly rate) then you totally should.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:20, Reply)

prezackly ... pay somebody who knows what they're doing
or waste some of your precious mortality doing a worse job yourself
(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:22, Reply)

...which is why financial advisers exist

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:24, Reply)

lol yeah

(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:26, Reply)

Thats why I have paid people to do the Gas and worktops. Two jobs I would have fucked up
Whereas Plumbing and Electrics are a piece of piss and I've only had to pay to get them signed off.
( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:24, Reply)

I say them, the plumbing doesn't need signing obviously.

( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:24, Reply)

dude, if you're going to lie on the internet, make it convincing
we all know you don't have indoor plumbing or electricity in cornwall.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:28, Reply)

Your second home must be fucking shit then

( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:33, Reply)

it has a swimming pool so you can do wees in that

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:34, Reply)

Why are you so nice when Swipe is so mean and makes me cry?

( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:51, Reply)

you should hear what he says about you behind your back

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:53, Reply)

I bet its nice because he is nice!

( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:55, Reply)

I say things like 'Phil seems like a nice bloke, I'd like to meet him' and when faced with a challenge I wonder aloud 'What would Phil do?' because you inspire me to be the best person I can

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:57, Reply)

I talk in my sleep.
Often I am awoken by an angry wife asking "Who the fuck is Meatsnake?!" Are you having an affair?!
( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:03, Reply)

she is an ugly person, inside and out, where as i am made of love

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:56, Reply)

The thing is, beauty shines from within and I just know that if she was just a little bit nicer it would show and she would look beautiful
and less like the horrible hag what she is!
( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:04, Reply)

There is a painting of her in the locked room that becomes more beautiful as she becomes more and more horrible in real life.
Sometimes I sit and stare at it for hours wondering where it all went wrong, I think it's probably something to do with that meat feast pizza.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:10, Reply)

it was made in devon, by civilised people who know how to eat scones and pasties properly
and shipped in...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:35, Reply)

Just out of curiosity, what exactly do you think I use to power the device I am using to connect to the internet?
I'm pretty sure it requires electricity.
( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:40, Reply)

i think your sixth toe on your left foot has magical powers

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:42, Reply)

Magic powers to produce Electricity.
In Cornwall. My right foot provides the magic for the indoor plumbing.
( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:44, Reply)

depends if you enjoy it or not
personally i wouldn't, but some people seem to love DIY
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:28, Reply)

Yeah, if you enjoy it fair enough.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:29, Reply)

Weirdos.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:30, Reply)

I fucking hate it but I don't trust tradesmen

( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:33, Reply)

We are paying people to do some bits and I'm doing the rest myself
We used a complex mathematical equation to work out that I can't afford to pay people for everything so I better give up some weekends.
( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:22, Reply)

something something getting wood something

(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:10, Reply)

Im the same as you Phillie, why so serious everyone?!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:16, Reply)

OK "Heath"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

I'm on holibobs in an hour.
Alt: I'm a mellow motherfucker
Alt alt: jobs are for peasants
(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:08, Reply)

yay!
Ive just got audience tickets for Judge Rinder!!
Ive never been this happy.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:15, Reply)

Judge Grindr more like!!!!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:16, Reply)

what's that then?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:17, Reply)

must be a gay thing
/ac
(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:18, Reply)

not round these gay parts

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:23, Reply)

nobody wants to go near your gay parts

(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:27, Reply)

yes they do, money talks!

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:34, Reply)

like Judge Judy but British and gay

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:21, Reply)

Oh man I love Vice Versa!

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:21, Reply)

It's no Freaky Friday.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:31, Reply)

Which is no Like Father, Like Son

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:36, Reply)

Don't tell me not to live,
Just sit and putter,
Life's candy and the sun's
A ball of butter.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade!
Don't tell me not to fly--
I've simply got to.
If someone takes a spill,
It's me and not you.
Who told you you're allowed
To rain on my parade!
I'll march my band out,
I'll beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir.
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it!
But whether I'm the rose
Of sheer perfection,
Or freckle on the nose
Of life's complexion,
The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,
I gotta fly once,
I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy,
Juicy, and you see
I gotta have my bite, sir!
Get ready for me, love,
cause I'm a comer,
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade!
I'm gonna live and live now,
Get what I want--I know how,
One roll for the whole she bang,
One throw, that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target and wham
One shot, one gun shot, and BAM
Hey, Mister Arnstein,
Here I am!
I'll march my band out,
I'll beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it.
Get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a comer,
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my parade!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:22, Reply)

ok

(PhillieJoe2, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:30, Reply)

I've been doing a lot of other stuff over the last few weekends and neglecting my debauchery duties, I intend to rectify this situation over the next two days
Alt: Yesterday. Some hi-vis drone told me I couldn't start breaking down my stand until the show officially ended. I told him to bite me.

Altalt: Something like I do now but for one day a week and 10x the money.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:21, Reply)

Have you gone round with a bag trying to see how many free pens and mugs you can get?

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:23, Reply)

We spent the happy last hour* of the show putting off the 'brochure collectors'**....
...part of the welcome pack they were given by the organisers was a USB stick. We offered to load as much information as they wanted on to it (we no longer issue brochures, all of our literature is supplied digitally). Some were actually quite crestfallen when we didn't give them any paper.

*The worst soul-crushing hour you will ever experience - worse even than Merthyr Tydfil on a wet Thursday afternoon in November.
**One of the regular denizens of the trade show along with mug collectors, pen ponces and armchair pontificators.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:31, Reply)

I was once given a pen knife by a large Japanese corporation
which would have made a nice souvenir if it wasn't shortly after 9/11 and I was traveling with just hand luggage.
(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:35, Reply)

On that kind of note....
I've just cleared out my laptop/paperwork/charger/fuckingeverythingelseIuse carry-on case. In it I found (at last) my victorinox multi-tool, which has several blades and pointy things in it. Strange thing is, it's been in there for at least a year, a year in which I've taken the case on a plane 12 times and the bag's been x-rayed 12 times.
So much for airport security
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:41, Reply)

The real 'security' takes place behind a partition wall. It involves men with guns and surgical gloves.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:50, Reply)

on 9/13, travelling to Madrid I had in my wallet two Stanley craft knife blades, happy memories of outrageous and costly drung abuse

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:50, Reply)

my friend came back from the philippines with two enormous meat cleavers
to this day i bet she's never used them, for good or for evil
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:52, Reply)

in their back pocket and allowed in the passenger compartment?

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:04, Reply)

Last flight out of Stuttgart...
...They tested the screen of my (company issue) iPad* for drugs!

*Wouldn't buy one - overhyped piece of shit**


**Awaits snorts of derision and spittle-flecked harassment from the fanbois
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:59, Reply)

customs at Oslo always had it in for me. same guy every time and very annoying he was.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:07, Reply)

What, I usually just dash all that shit in the bin if they insist on giving it to me.
How many people shamelessly said 'none' when you asked them how much info you wanted on the stick?
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:37, Reply)

Just two
One looked almost in tears when we said we had no hard copies of brochures, just digital ones. I see him at all of the 3D tech shows, tyre kicker who owns a Reprap and bullshits about needing an industrial machine for his 'inventions'.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:44, Reply)

You said it Jay!
I've a fun packed weekend of gutting the house of every old letter and bags of documents that have accumulated in every cupboard, drawer, eaves, corner and slow moving child over the last 15 years. Then it'll be sorting through them and filing them in something like a responsible adult and not letting it happen again. Er, yay!

Alt: Every single morning when people use the slip road on the way to work like a junction and sit there indicating rather than powering down the slip road indicating and scaring someone into letting you in like wot I do.

Altalt: *applies for position at Rekall*
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:26, Reply)

Just chuck the fucking lot out.
If it's spread over the place like a mad woman's shit you'd never find it if you needed it, or even know you had it in the first place.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:29, Reply)

That's hardly going to help when I bump off the missus and can't find the life insurance policy now is it?

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:30, Reply)

Phone them up and ask them for a copy?

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:30, Reply)

This logical approach just wont cut it
We take our hoarding pretty seriously round here. Who knows when you're going to need the breakdown cover documents from a company that went out of business in the 90s
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:32, Reply)

There's nothing wrong with a bit of hoarding, as long as you're not turning into Mr Trebus you should be alright.
One of my mates is a total anti-hoarder, anything he doesn't immediately need gets binned or ebayed, then he expects everyone else to pick up the slack and lend him a spare phone when he drunkenly drops his phone in a urinal and pisses all over it.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:35, Reply)

when they're dead?

(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:33, Reply)

he's going to kill the entire staff at Sun Life?

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:33, Reply)

Only if they don't know how to use a slip road

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:34, Reply)

good idea
parasites
(old man river possible lesbian, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:35, Reply)

Needs moar alcohol

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:37, Reply)

Nah, I'm having a break from that malarky for a bit

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:59, Reply)

there's some proper morons trying to justify the indiana bill at the moment
yeah boy, adam and eve not adam and steve...

idiots.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:31, Reply)

Yeah! It's 'Jones' or nothing!

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:33, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:39, Reply)

Queery Indiana

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:37, Reply)

Alex Spack

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:38, Reply)

dream job, eh?
probably a professional cheerer.
Cheers.
( $$ ✅, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:38, Reply)

lol
cheers
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:39, Reply)

cheers

( $$ ✅, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:40, Reply)

cheers

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:40, Reply)

no-you've got to do jazzhands now in case some headwrong has a fit.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:40, Reply)

cheers

( $$ ✅, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:42, Reply)

I'm a pro at jazzhands
STRIKETHROUGH A REPLACE WITH I!!!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:45, Reply)

a pro at jazzhands
STRIKETHROUGH A REPLACE WITH I!!!

a potato
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:49, Reply)

I think you can be pro potato now

( $$ ✅, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:50, Reply)

a protato

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:50, Reply)

pro magnon

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:51, Reply)

im a sexy potato

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:51, Reply)

you really aren't

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:20, Reply)

man
you are so deep in that nile i'm surprised a crocodile hasn't bitten you on the arse
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:21, Reply)

dunno what you mean like

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:23, Reply)

you're a fucking bender m8

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:40, Reply)

You should get your cock pierced
then you could be the first King Edward with a Prince Albert...
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:29, Reply)

MEAN!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:51, Reply)

EAN ASH
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:53, Reply)

I quite like the fact they've been publically mocked for it.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:31, Reply)

How many curries do you think Jason has had this week? I reckon it's 4.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:22, Reply)

i reckon 6

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:23, Reply)

You might be right because I bet he has curry for lunch sometimes too

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:24, Reply)

And cold for breakfast the next day

( Peej, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:24, Reply)

Oh yeah, he loves curry does our jase

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:28, Reply)

I believe he may have tasted Dan's sack

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:30, Reply)

sometimes he has a lamb bhuna just as a snack

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:25, Reply)

We probably need some kind of chart to find out what's really going on with Jasons curry intake

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:29, Reply)

where's Rory when you need him?!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:39, Reply)

He's been skiing for ages now.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:39, Reply)

is that a euphemism?

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:41, Reply)

Yes, a euphemism for being dead.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:41, Reply)

he's been skiing for nearly as long as chimpy's fag break

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:43, Reply)

he's dead

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:40, Reply)

Sunday - sodomy and thai green curry
Monday - rimming and chicken tikka
Tuesday - ball sucking with a tranny, lamb bhuna
Wednesday - gloryhole action down the park, fancied a chilli instead
Thursday - spitroasted by squaddies, beef rendang
Friday - oh I don't know, watched something on ITV, tweeted some bent shit, had a wank to Top Gun, had curry and chips
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:40, Reply)

Craig David's gone a bit shit like.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:41, Reply)

you're the expert in shit pop music, sounds legit

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:42, Reply)

queer off, bummer

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:46, Reply)

upset online, again

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:47, Reply)

i no u r m8

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:47, Reply)

LOL

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:48, Reply)

no u r and no returns

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:52, Reply)

1 ackshully!!!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:38, Reply)

BULL-SHIT

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:38, Reply)

Honest guv.
Ive been cooking loads with chicken, chorizo and beef this week.
NO CURRIES!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:39, Reply)

But you have curry everyday!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:40, Reply)

Im evolving

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:41, Reply)

You are a Bomgay Potato

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:42, Reply)

PRAWN POORI

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:45, Reply)

danslag

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:45, Reply)