Yesterday one of my new workmates described me as "a pretty boy... only not that pretty"
Apparently this is kind of a compliment. By "pretty boy" she means the likes of that twat Cristiano Ronaldo who take way too much pride in their appearance. So I'm supposed to take the suggestion that I'm not pretty enough to attain such status as a good thing.

What's the weirdest backhanded compliment you've received lately?

Morning, by the way
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:43, 119 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

not a compliment, and fuming.
my brother called me a cunt today because I was at the doctors instead of being at his every beck and call. Twat. After driving him around and his mates and putting up with his shit for the last four days, and still being the one to bring him in his clothes and stuff when he forgot them, he goes and calls me a cunt because I tell him to take the bus.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:47, Reply)

Morning to you too by the way m'dear.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:47, Reply)

Morning honey!
You should be fuming, your brother is clearly being a twat. How dare you have a life of your own?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:48, Reply)

I know right?
It's just silly.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:52, Reply)

You should burn him
Just a little bit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:57, Reply)

rn m
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:00, Reply)

now get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:59, Reply)

make your own.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:04, Reply)

that's women's work

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:05, Reply)

and you're not allowed to use knives

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:06, Reply)

not after the "Finger Food Fiasco"

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:11, Reply)

That's a great name for a band.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Yay! *high threes*

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Most recently was when my friend told me I had great breasts
His girlfriend, sitting next to us, was not overjoyed. The one that affected me most was from an ex, who's known me for getting on for 6 years now, and therefore knew me when I was skinny. I remember him running his hand along my body and saying "What happened?" He then followed it up with "You know what though, you can still be really pretty." And that made me happy :/
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Your powers of restraint astound me
99% of people would have chinned him methinks
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:54, Reply)

In a similar vein
I bumped in to a mate of mine who I don't see that often down the pub a few weeks back. Slurring, she decried: 'berk! wow, you're not nearly as fat as you used to be. Yeah. You look good. I preferred you when you had tits though'. And then she stumbled out in to the night before I could commit brutal and bloody violence upon her person.
(berk, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Did you not run her down in your Honda Accord of Justice?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:56, Reply)

No.
But if I hadn't just ordered a pint I might have gone after her and Had Words.*


*called her a cheeky bint in a not-particularly-confrontational manner, she's bigger than me and a bit of a mentalist
(berk, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Not received, but given
I was out with my ex (we were trying to be mates) and she was chatting to a group of lads, some of whom I knew from work. She's trying to be funny, but isn't very good at it.

At one point, she turns round, pats my belly and says "this is Nathan, he's fat because he drinks too much ale, hur hur", I just responded with "Why, what's your excuse?", before going wide eyed and realised I'd just called a girl with fairly low self esteem fat to her face.

She storms out of the pub, crying. I run out after her and shout "Wait! You're not that fat!"

Somehow, this isn't a compliment? Weird girl.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Are you still mates?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:56, Reply)

Tbh, that wasn't that recent, it was about a year ago.
We didn't speak for 6 months after that, then she split with her fella, and all of a sudden wanted to be mates again. Then we fell out again, resulting in a screaming argument in the street, 4 months without speaking, then she wrote to me last week, apologising for everything, and that every argument was her fault.

It's only because she moves to America at the end of August, but I appreciate it nonetheless.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:59, Reply)

I have made it a point that when I have broken up with a girl, that's it.
We shall never see each other again. No let's be mates crap. It has worked for me so far.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Except for her
I've got on really well with all of my exes. One is still my best friend.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:14, Reply)

me too
once they're not my boyfriend anymore they should stop existing.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:12, Reply)

that's good
I don't want Wiggy hanging around the yacht
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:29, Reply)

haha

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:44, Reply)

a very Aspergers colleague from another office came for a meeting
and greeted me with, "You're not as fat as you were last time."

Fortunately the tone in which I replied, " Gee, thanks." completely passed him by.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:04, Reply)

I was thinking about making a Tennis joke
but Wimbledon is over so basically no one cares about tennis anymore.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Have there been any good ones on the 'police surround Moat' lines?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:20, Reply)

I was told I didn't sweat much for a fat lass.

( girlinthehole, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Are you saying yor sweat profusley?
And this person was just being kind.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Yes.

( girlinthehole, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:20, Reply)

I was told a couple of weeks ago that whoever dyes my hair does a really good job
It's natural...
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Sweet Jesus, you're not dead!
How's tricks?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Not dead
Just slow roasted after spending a fortnight in the Mojave Desert with a bunch of cunts.

Stuff's great - so great in fact that I've almost reached 0.8 Viproses on the smug scale.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Damn, so not quite croissant territory yet then,
but maybe a pain au chocoloat?

What wonderful things were you driving in the desert?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

A Range Rover Evoque prototype
Bumsexual name. Nice car.

*munches pastry*
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:02, Reply)

*googles*
Not bad. Did it survive?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:10, Reply)

It did, in a manner of speaking
It passed all the tests, but the cunts I was with did their usual Top Gear-esque trick of putting Boney M and Goombay Dance Band on the stereo at full tilt, then supergluing all the controls.

I had to yank the speaker connectors out in the end.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Do you find that this joke becomes more or less funny with repetition?
If less, is there a point at which sufficient repetition will render it funny again?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I can't remember a time when it was ever funny
I'm tempted next time to return the joke by filling their car with poisonous scorpions
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:34, Reply)

slightly less bumsexual than the Vogue I guess
driven anything else exciting recently?

I was wondering where you had got to just the other day.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:25, Reply)

A couple of months ago
I was on a driving course at the Monteblanco circuit in Spain, and I got to drive one of Jacques Villeneuve's Williams FW19 F1 cars from the 1997 season.

I was only for a few laps, but my god it was quick. I've driven some fast road machinery, but this car made a Koenigsegg seem like a toy.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:33, Reply)

they are crazy machines
having to go fast otherwise you can't corner must take some getting used to.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Hell yes
Understandably, they wouldn't let us loose out in the F1 car until we'd spent the best part of a day proving ourselves to be not completely incompetent in the simulator.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:50, Reply)

how realistic is the simulator?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Far, far better
than I ever imagined it would be.

It even takes account of things like tyre temperatures, wind etc, and is mounted in a large frame that swings about to mimic the G-forces. I want one for myself, but apparently it cost them about £2m.

The only real difference I noticed between that and the real car is that the real car didn't have a button on the steering wheel marked 'New car'
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:54, Reply)

that sounds pretty awesome
I guess it's well worth their while to develop a realistic one before sending people out in the real thing!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:57, Reply)

your life makes me sad that my life isn't your life.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:45, Reply)

You're not the first person to say that
I've a feeling that TGB has taken a contract out on me. That's why I had to move house.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:52, Reply)

A girl told me I was quite good looking for an old guy (I was 31, she was 22)
So I said "and you're good looking for a girl with a black eye". She replied; "but I don't have..." at which point I kicked her in the mimsy.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:14, Reply)

The exclaimation "your baby is beautiful!"
which I find weird because a) she isn't, she just looks like an average baby (and like her father at that) and b) oh yeah - use that surprised tone to suggest that a couple of Internets rejects managed to combine their genes in a reasonably non-hideous manner.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:18, Reply)

My mum said I looked like Max Branning from Eastenders when I was born
I said "You'd previously told me I was beautiful!"
and she said "It took a few months. At first you were bit like a shrimp and looked like you had Down's."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:23, Reply)

And did you have Down's?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:25, Reply)

No
I had a wide-bridged nose and slightly puffy eyelids. FOR ABOUT A WEEK.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I looked Chinese when I was a baby.
Everyone used to make jokes to my mum about having a Chinese milkman.
( girlinthehole, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Hmm
Least you didn't look as bad as me!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Try and imagine them all squinting into the sun - that's my family pictures.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:58, Reply)

If you're the youngest one, you look like Kuato.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Yep, am the youngest

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Kuato Rosie Catface
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:02, Reply)

It's the innocence that's beautiful.
And stop trying to get the femB3tans broody.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:23, Reply)

no force on earth could do that

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Yeah, not possible.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:35, Reply)

people don't get that
the more I see of children the less I like them.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:47, Reply)

I haven't seen any photos
but I'm going to assume that anything which has escaped from your clunge would most likely resemble Danny DeVito
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:25, Reply)

Small, bald, wrinkly and weeping.
A little like your cock in those pictures, Bert m'dear.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Pfffft
*crosses fingers for some cot death*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Does your Auntie Sandra have kids btw?

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:51, Reply)

She has two
But she's never claimed to be a strong independent woman who had no interest in making babies
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:56, Reply)

All the honeys making money
throw your hands up at me
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

ah now, I never said I had no interest in making babies,
I just clearly stated how much I dislike other people's children. And other people, come to that.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Aw, man
now I have no reason to hate you. Captain V is still a bit of a dick though
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Is that some kind of euphemism?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Crossed the line again Bert. I suppose you'll learn one day.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:51, Reply)

I'm just doing what I do

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

being lame?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I'm extraordinarily gifted in that respect, Jewnose

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:20, Reply)

I'd watch anyone who said that
sounds like nonces
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:27, Reply)

But what kind of bread did you have?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:30, Reply)

crusty French bread.
It was so good. Fillet steak, 20 seconds each side, thinly sliced. Spinach leaves, butter, fried onion. Oh man.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Hows your scar?
I cut my hand on the bread knife on saturday so I know how you feel.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:45, Reply)

do you want some of my diclofenac?
I can't see my scar. It's somewhere under the bump of my contracting uterus and along the minge-line. I require a series of small mirrors.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Nah, I'm being a brave little soldier.
Just take a photo with your phone and then look at it then accidentally send it to everyone in your phonebook.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Blimey, you're lucky.
Mrs V had a ripply line from belly button to curlies.
Of course, it's faded away completely now and there's absolutely no sign of it left*

*May not be entirely true
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:55, Reply)

I was supposed to have the classical vertical incision
but they saw a gap and went for it and wahey, no blood transfusion either. It was really cool, I enjoyed it. We had our own choice of music on and the whole team of about 10 people were female except for the scrub nurse.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:13, Reply)

that's excellent news
minimal damage and blood loss is always good!

congrats :-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I got a scar that runs from around my belly button to the top of my groin.
Because I've put on weight since the operation, the belly has expanded, but not where the scar is, because scar tishue can't expand like normal skin.

Anyway, it looks like I've got a bum and bumhole on my front.

God, I'm so sexy, I was walking down the road the other day, and someone yelled out "Oi ! Sexy !" I turned around and pointed to myself and made a 'huh? you talking to me' jesture, and they yelled out "I don't see any other sexy people walking along... anyway, have a nice day, bye".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

NEEDS MOAR MUSTARD

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Dijon, deffo, or maybe creamed horseraddish, oh I just don't know, I wouldn't want to ruin this.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Oh man, that sounds awesome !
If I had a sandwich of that magnatude, I think I could quite sucessfully say that would be one of the best days of my life.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:54, Reply)

A mate back in the day got
a lovely compliment. At the time he had long blonde (Kurt Cobain) style locks, dirty and lank. A friend of a friend saw us out and about in the car and asked the mutual friend who was the girl I was with as she was hot. Pretty boy, or ugly girl he was known as from that day forward.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Similar thing happened to me when I had long hair
Except they worked out I was a bloke when I turned around. Those days are long gone...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Why would you turn round?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:32, Reply)

IN CASE HE BUMMED ME, LARRY

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Apparently I have a 'tumescent, raggedy cock'
Not sure what to make of that really.

In ither news, I just drew a Hitler 'tasche on every picture of Cheryl Cole in work's copy of Hello magazine.
I'm such a rebel!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:22, Reply)

bel tard
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:22, Reply)

You're such a bully :(
I'm going to tell my mum, and she'll proper knack you in the cunt
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:26, Reply)

knack finger
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:51, Reply)

There is a "works copy" of Hello?
Burn them...BURN THEM ALL!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:28, Reply)

It's for the ladies
we get Bike magazine and a bunch of others too
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:03, Reply)

I stand by my "BURN THEM ALL" statement
although that is my answer to everything
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:09, Reply)

It doesn't matter what you do as long as you burn them all after.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:12, Reply)

"I wouldn't know you had a second mouth unless you opened the first one"

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:53, Reply)

"You look just like your Dad".
- so 35 years older than I should.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:07, Reply)

'you're quite pretty...
if I sort of squint my eyes'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Morning, stranger.
Whatcha been doing?
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:11, Reply)

being in Malta
dying of the heat. Went to the party bit of the island yesterday. How've you been?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Slowly dying of consumption - well, a little man cold anyway. Better now, ta.
You're still in Malta? - have fun!
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:18, Reply)

glad you're feeling better
am having trouble finding accommodation at a reasonable price in Rome which is why I'm still here
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:23, Reply)

One day, I hope to be that charming
One day...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:11, Reply)

You should go to china

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:11, Reply)

HA!
Obligatory "Lacist" comment
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Obligatory lacist joke -
What do you call a chinese woman with a food processor on her head?

Blenda.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:19, Reply)

"Have you been working out?"
"No."
"You must be getting fat then."
"..."
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:19, Reply)

I thought you were really sweet and nice til you opened your mouth

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:25, Reply)

...and dribbled.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:39, Reply)

I'm still not sure why you don't like me

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:40, Reply)

"the problem is you're too nice"
I have had this many times over the years, I guess i'm the human version of kicking a puppy, but I don't sick up rainbows!

I'm ok with it though, I know I would rather be too nice than an utterly unbearable alpha male arrogant cunt which I think I am just about incapable of being.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)