New thread just to tell an awful joke
Was about to leave off work yesterday when I get a text from Ms Foxtrot. "Thespacebaronthisphoneisbrokenwhenyoucomehomepleasecanyougivemeanalternative".

Obviously I rushed home, my curiosity was piqued - what on earth was a ternative?

Oh yes. I'm back, baby.

What truly crap jokes have you heard lately?

Alt Q - miss me?

Actual alt Q - InFest next weekend. Which Yorkshire-based B3tans are actually up for a pint?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:18, 180 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How do mexican farmers keep warm in the winter?
They use chicken for heaters.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:22, Reply)

That's actually quite good
A reecnt survey asked men what they enjoy most about blowjobs. 5% enjoy the look, 15% enjoy the feeling and 80% enjoy the silence
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:25, Reply)

I was in Norwich last weekend.
As soon as I got into East anglia the young kid in front of me on the train started licking the window.
/not a joke.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:26, Reply)

You don't call, you don't visit...
/sadface

EDIT: not even slightly surprised by the windowlicker
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:27, Reply)

You weren't on here for the week before
plus I only went for the day.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Fair play
What brought you here, and where did you go?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:30, Reply)

My cousins son's first birthday,
he lives just between the station and the football stadium so I went there for a bbq. It was nice, mainly because I hardly saw any of Norwich.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:34, Reply)

It's actually hard to imagine how you could possibly have seen less of Norwich
Glad you had a good day. Norwich is much better than Milton Keynes. I assume it was an unbelievable pain in the arse to get here by train?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:38, Reply)

40mins to London
then arseing around on the tube then what felt like an eternity on the train back up from liverpool street.
Those National express trains are shit.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Getting to anywhere from Norwich is a massive effort
Unless you're going to London, Manchester or anywhere that lies along either route, which luckily Nottingham does. To go to Birmingham, although I've no idea why you'd ever want to, you have to go via London. Draw that out on a map
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Can I add a funny quote, because I'm going to anyway
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:27, Reply)

because I like you I'm going to cushion the blow here
that was fucking shit
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Your face is fucking shit

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:36, Reply)

you love it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Is she in The Queue too?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:44, Reply)

you'd be surprised at how few aren't

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:47, Reply)

By knowing about The Queue
Does that mean I'm in it? I'd rather not be.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:52, Reply)

that's not how it works

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Thank God
For a moment I thought it was like The Game.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:06, Reply)

DAMN YOU, MAJORA
Now Ms Foxtrot and I have lost the game

Not that she lurks, but if I lose it, she gets a text informing her that she lost it too. That's how it works. She might kick your ass
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:08, Reply)

*cackles*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:11, Reply)

this isn't some kind of jokey queue

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I did a quick mental run-through of all the female b3tans I know
To think which ones wouldn't sleep with you (hypothetically). The results were depressing.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:13, Reply)

depressing for you, or depressing for me?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Depressing for me
I'm certain more would sleep with you than would with me.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I can think of 5 female B3tans who have expressed vague liking of my face or hair (one very specific instance)
and quite frankly, I'm counting them. What's depressing is the knowledge that Amberl would rather fuck my girlfriend than me. Depressing, but completely understandable
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I'd rather fuck your girlfriend than you.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I'd rather fuck a cheese grater than him

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Yes, but you're a BOY
and given that in different circumstances I'd really quite like to shag Amberl, it's mildly dispriting to know who she'd aim for if we broke up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I'd rather die than fuck you.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I call bullshit

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I'm sure it will reassure you that it is never a situation that has arisen in real life

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Nor is it ever likely to
I can't be annoyed by hypotheticals for long :)
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I dunno there.
I hear muterings from time to time...
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Oh my ego allows me to think that there may be one or two who would
It makes me grin and strut.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

*provides slap bass soundtrack*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:32, Reply)

t m

Tenuous masturbation strikethrough.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:32, Reply)

strum?
I like it, good job
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Anal is fucking shit.
Aaaaaaand, I'm back in the room.

Hello y'all.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Haha!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Your face is shit too

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I saw that double post...

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Your face is so shit I didn't know if one post was enough

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:26, Reply)

I've been nice to you recently
Just wanted you to know that.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:28, Reply)

It may be that I've just not been paying enough attention to threads,
but I cannot say I've noticed this. By "been nice to you" do you perhaps mean "thought of you while cracking one off"?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:33, Reply)

No, my esteemed colleague, it does not
I paid her an occasional compliment and haven't once mentioned the Lady's Lady.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Lady's lady?
Are you calling her minge a lezza?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:42, Reply)

He probably is, Wooks
he's a right bastard like that.

Also I am calling you Wooks from now on
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:46, Reply)

If you insist.
*sigh*
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:52, Reply)

*runs*
Q: How do you recognise a happy cyclist?
A: Squashed flies on his teeth

Q: How do you recognise a violent rapist?
A: Smashed teeth on his flies
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:34, Reply)

A man goes into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Listen, I'm bursting for the toilet here. I know this is an unusual request, but, wuold you mind jumping round to this side to cover for me while I go?" The man says "But father, I'm not trained to hear confessions." "No, no, no" says the priest, "It's really very easy. There's a chart on the back of door here. When the confessor tells you his sin, just look it up on the chart and it tells you the penance."

So, the guy agrees to stand in for the priest while he nips to the bathroom. After a few minutes, he hears the door of the confession box open and a woman says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". "Erm, ok" he replies. "What did you do?" "I am a married woman, but last week I got drunk at a bar and kissed a strange man." So, the "priest" looks at the chart "Ah yes," he whispers to himself "adultery - minor. There it is." He says to the woman "Say ten "Hail Marys" and four "Our Fathers" and you will be absolved. So, the woman goes away.

After a while, he hears the door open again, and a man says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." Our "priest" is starting to enjoy himself and gets into the role a bit "Ah yes, my child, and what was your sin?" "I stole some money from the petty cash tin at work." So, our friend looks at the chart on the door. "Ah yes," he whispers to himself "theft - There it is." "My beloved child," he tells the man "say twelve "Hail Marys", fourteen "Our Fathers" and give the same amount of money to charity. So, away the man goes.

After another short while, he hears the door open again. A woman’s voice says “Forgive me father, for I have sinned” “Oh, beloved child of God!” the actor bellows. “And what disgrace have you brought upon yourself?” “I know it was wrong” the woman replies, “but I couldn’t help myself – I gave my boyfriend a blowjob.”

Quite stunned, the false priest looks for the word “blowjob” on the chart – nothing. Fellatio, perhaps? Nothing. Oral sex? Not a mention. So, he says to the woman, “my child, excuse me for a minute.” He jumps out of the confession box to see if he can find a real priest to ask about the penance, but the only other person in the church is one of the alter boys. So he goes over and says “Hey, young man, tell me – what does the priest usually give for a blow job?” The boy looks at him and replies “Two mars bars and a can of coke.”
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Supoib.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:40, Reply)

You are Dave Allen AICMFP

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:54, Reply)

*snort*
long, but worth it.
(berk, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:17, Reply)

That's what she said

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:26, Reply)

What do americans call cheese that doesn't belong to them?
nacho cheese..................... I know

Alt Q. A little bit in a non prison movie gang bang way

Real Alt Q. n/b
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:49, Reply)

nacho nacho man
I want to be your nacho maaaaan

/homer
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:09, Reply)

office lol

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:12, Reply)

How do you put a girrafe in a fridge?
Open the door, put the girrafe in, close the door.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
You open the door, take out the girrafe, put the elephant in and close the door.
There's a meeting of all the animals in the jungle. Which animal doesn't go?
The elephant. It's still in the fridge.
You come across a crocodile infested river. How do you cross it safely?
Just walk across... the crocodiles are all at the meeting....


AltQ. Yeah - where where you?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I've not missed you, no -
because Bobby Pires here has been filling in for you in the gaylord stakes. Yesterday he was telling all about his 'car-dancing' and how he was jiggling about in his seat to David Bowie when his car was at the lights.

The stench of lavender coming from his post was so strong the internet actually broke for a minute.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:12, Reply)

see only old people
stay bitter you geriatric fuck!!! go and take some massive drugs put the thin white duke on and shut the fuck up and enjoy you massive whinging bastard.

morning Monty.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Hello there EDIT: for AA
you mincing tranny Chompy
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Good to see that you two have bonded in my absence...

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I am quite fond of the old guy to be honest he is vey funny with his musings

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Oy 'vey'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Shut up chompy

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:17, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I now see this is a badge of honour
fuck even my facebook status was I'm not Chompy for about a week
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Know?
KNOW?

For fuck's sakes.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:22, Reply)

sorry typo

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Who're you calling 'typo', spazmo?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:24, Reply)

your mum
who is so old she is actually a mummy
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:24, Reply)

fuck's ?????
should that apostrophe be there?



(I fucking hope not, wild stab in the dark!?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:24, Reply)

actually, it should
aren't you supposed to be a teacher or something?
(Bret Mong Keys Eggs has wet his weapon, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:24, Reply)

I'm guessing PE
I say guessing, I mean 'hoping for the sake of the nation's youth'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I'm at uni now. I can't remember everything you condescending
cunts you!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:26, Reply)

When you say 'everything'
you do in fact mean 'basic English grammar', don't* you.


*yes, that apostrophe is meant to be there.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:27, Reply)

My grammar is not amazing. Never has been. I am usually fine when writing
but when I type I get a bit muddled. It doesn't get repeated in my academic work so I don't really mind that much. Besides the more you lot keep pointing it out the more I remember so keep it up. You're better than revision.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:31, Reply)

My grandma's dead
So yours is probably better than mine
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:32, Reply)

When I fucked your 'grammar' last night
I thought she was pretty amazing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Are you in the same home?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Capitalise that a and you'll have earned yourself a shiny click, you young whippersnapper.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Muhahahah,
dance to my tune, monkeyboy.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I want a click
you wookie mother fucker
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Then spell my name right.
I'm sure Monty can relate, I get grouchy when people are stingy with the Es.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:46, Reply)

No more hoop jumping today
you furry fuck
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:49, Reply)

I read that as "fury fuck"
Which, from now on, is the only way I'll fuck.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:01, Reply)

for some reason this has reminded me
that as per your instructions I high-fived my mrs to congratulate her on passing her chartership
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Thank you!
I hope she wasn't too perplexed as to why a random Internet spod was sending her a vicarious high-five.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:10, Reply)

no, she understands
she has to put up with me after all
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:12, Reply)

everything
;-)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Ha - missed that one

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Is it because your eyes don't work as well as they once did?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:38, Reply)

I love your attacks on Monty's great age.
He's only old in the head, and I'm old enough to be his dad. Which I'm glad I'm not as he can be an insufferable cunt sometimes.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:47, Reply)

it is the only ammo I have
I don't know anyone on here really and haven't been to a bash so all I have to defend myself is what I pick up on in here. And with Monty I figure age is the safest bet and most respectable option at the same time.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:48, Reply)

What on earth makes you think you need to bet safe or be respectful?
I'm not actually gay, I doubt that TGB actually has a vagina large enough to swallow a Gammorhean Guard whole and PsychoChomp's not really a sex offender... in the eyes of the law. Yet.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:50, Reply)

because I like the banter
but not enough to take it too far. This isn't /talk Darth!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Never stops anyone else
See Vipros' entry below for details

Hehe... "entry"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:04, Reply)

hehe

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:06, Reply)

I'm also not a mincing tranny

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:56, Reply)

Never said you were
Probably shouldn't have brought that up. How was Bloodstock?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Superb thank you
Got sunburned, very drunk, and had a good laugh.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:08, Reply)

but you are gay though

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:02, Reply)

Fuck off you beardy twat
Missed you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:05, Reply)

take another shot ;-)

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:06, Reply)

I can't be bothered to call you smug
Ooh! I know! You don't hate the Smashing Pumpkins, which is inexcusable in polite society!

Sick burn, I think you'll find
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:15, Reply)

He's an appaling racist.
You could start there.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:52, Reply)

I think you'll find I'm bloody good at it,

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 13:32, Reply)

*pistol fingers*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:45, Reply)

In my experience, teachers go out of their way to not swear.
Lest they forget themselves in front of the kids and call one a stupid twat. How are you going to adjust, with the shower of obscenities you let forth here?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I am wondering that myself

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I'd start now, and try fucking hard, if I were you.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:48, Reply)

damn cunting straight

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:48, Reply)

*BELMS*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:25, Reply)

sure you're not having a stroke you old codger

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I am having a stroke,
reminiscing about the hot nights I've spent savagely sodomising your mum.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Isn't it hard to recall events when you have alzheimers?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Aye, he's had her too!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:41, Reply)

When is it?
I remember talking with BGB about visiting you on a Thursday, I think.

BTW, where have you been?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Simply put, I only ever get on B3ta at work,
and my new job keeps me much busier than my old one. Nice to speak to you again

I'm in Bradford from about 3pm-ish on Friday 27th August until early Monday morning. Would love to see anyone who's prepared to brave, well, Bradford
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

It's good to hear from you
I'm quite busy at work, so I'm here a lot less, although today it's being an exception.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be in Tenerife those days, so I won't be able to meet you. I hope you have a good time, though.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Dang
Nice talking to you too. How goes the job and the life in general?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:59, Reply)

Two monkeys in a bath
The first says "Eeee eeee ooo aahhh ahhhh"
The second says "For Gods sake Nigel, just put some cold in"
( Peej, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:22, Reply)

I love this joke.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Man walks into a bar
orders a pint of bitter and asks the bartender to make sure it has an ample head on it.

While the pint is being poured the man nips to the toilet and comes back to find his pint on the bar, but with no head.

Asking the barman what happened he was told "you see that big muscly looking woman over there in the corner? She came over here and broke wind over your pint, blowing the head right off"

Thinking to himself that he wouldn't take any of that he marched over to the woman and said "here, you fart in my Whitbread?"

to which she replies
"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Still one of my favourites!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:30, Reply)

mine too
along with the sherlock holmes one
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Sherlock Holmes one?
The "our tent's been stolen" one?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:34, Reply)

the Lemon Entry my Dear Watson one

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Ah that is a good one!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:37, Reply)

please tell it

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:44, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post674357
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:47, Reply)

6/10

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:50, Reply)

STFU
that's one of the best jokes ever.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:52, Reply)

above average sure but not amazing

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:54, Reply)

that just proves that you have some kind of awful brain impediment

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:57, Reply)

no shit Sherlock

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:58, Reply)

I like this. I shouldn't but I do.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Freshly stolen from the sikcipedia
It was reported today that a ginger woman had been raped. Police are still trying to establish a motive.

Why don't autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?

My son came in from school the other day and said "dad, there's a boy in my class calling me gay", I said,"punch the little twat", he said "I can't, he's sooooo cute"!!

I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.

Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

They have alot of crap jokes there
(Bret Mong Keys Eggs has wet his weapon, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:31, Reply)

A piece of motorway and piece of dual carriage way are enjoying a drink in the pub. In walks a piece of red tarmac. The bit of motorway whispers to the bit of carrageway "Come on lets drink up and go before the trouble starts; He's a bit of a cyclepath"
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:36, Reply)

No it's because he was from Milton Keynes
and therefore they knew he must have been a rapist.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:45, Reply)

I saw an athletic-looking bloke walking along the street holding a long stick.
So I asked him, "are you a polevaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name iss Walter?"
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:39, Reply)

that's dreadful
I feel bad for laughing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:44, Reply)

I just told that to the woman who sits next to me
and she said, "was that a joke?"

I was using my "telling a joke" voice too. I really think she's special needs.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Did you use the Germanic V for Walter?
The lack thereof can sometimes confuse the hard-of-doing.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:27, Reply)

A man's relaxing in his garden
When his eldest daughter walks over to him and sits on his lap.
"Daddy, why did you and Mummy name me Rose?" she says.
"Well love, when you were a baby we were sat right here in this garden, and a rose petal blew gently on the wind and touched you on the forehead. So we called you Rose."
"Aww, thanks Daddy!" says Rose, as she gives her Dad a kiss on the cheek and runs back inside.
Moments later his second daughter runs into the garden and jumps onto his lap.
"Daddy! Daddy! Why'd you and Mum call me Heather?"
"Well my love, when you were a baby we were carrying you on a walk and trying to decide your name, when a little sprig of Heather blew on the breeze and landed on your head."
"Yay thanks Daddy!" says Heather, and runs back inside.
Peace returned to the garden for a moment, but just before he could relax, the man was rudely interrupted by a loud crashing noise as his youngest daughter blundered through the door.
"MMMNNNNNUUUUUUHHHHHH!" said the girl.
"Fuck off, Fridge, Daddy's trying to have a nap!"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:46, Reply)

9/10
brilliant
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

This is one of my favourite jokes
I say Brick rather than fridge though
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:59, Reply)

I find usually that this works best told a slightly different way, thus:

A new neighbour pops round next door to introduce herself, chats to the mother, and notices three kids.

She asks the first one, a little girl, "what's your name?". "Rose." "That's lovely, why?" "Because when I newly born a rose brushed against my head."

Then she asks the second, another girl, "and what's your name?". "Daisy." "Ooh, that's lovely too, why?" "Because when I newly born a daisy brushed against my head."

Finally she asks the little boy "and what are you called?" "BREEZEBLOCK!!!"

(the last delivered a la Deacon, naturally. YMMV, of course.)
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Q: Who started the Pedants' Revolt?
A: Which Tyler.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Nice.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

What do you call a ginger goth?
Duracell
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Also
I've just added Princess Diana as a friend on the Xbox.

I don't think she has any games for it though, because she's always on the dashboard.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Stop taking jokes from Sickipedia :P

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:56, Reply)

I do apologise
But I've come up against a complete blank currently.

Ah, just thought of one.

3 vampires walk into a bar. Vampire 1 says "Pint of blood please", gets served, and sits down. Vampire 2 says "Same again please", gets served, sits down. Vampire 3 says "Pint of hot water please", gets served, sits down, only to be ripped by his mates. "You massive gay, how come you're not on the blood?"

Vampire 3 says "Fuck off", pulls out a tampon, and says "I'm making a brew"

EDIT: Whoops
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:58, Reply)

you mean 'pulls out a tampon', no?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:00, Reply)

I have no idea what you're talking about
*whistles nonchalantly*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:00, Reply)

You are 11 years old AICMFP

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:01, Reply)

I was 11 years ago
And this joke is still funny from then
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:03, Reply)

Yes. It wasn't funny 11 years ago either.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Still amuses me
And yep, I'm well aware of my immature sense of humour.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:09, Reply)

I've got a new razor
Using it's a lot like making love to a woman for the first time. There's anticipation, excitement, long smooth strokes, a little blood and of course I'm holding a razor.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:01, Reply)

officelol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:03, Reply)

Nice

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:04, Reply)

You are my mate Gunny, who posted that on his FB this morning
AICMFP
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:06, Reply)

They both took it from Sickipedia
AISYFP
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:11, Reply)

I got it off FB
but the Tromanator, who's another b3tan whose username I don't know
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:14, Reply)

I saw it on Darkson's FB page (I think)

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:17, Reply)

to save everybody the effort of typing it in themselves as most of the jokes are straight from here anyway
www.sickipedia.org
(Bret Mong Keys Eggs has wet his weapon, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:03, Reply)

You cunt!

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:05, Reply)

This absolutely did not happen to me, and you'll know why when you get to the punchline
A friend of mine's girlfriend was complaining about the size of her breasts. "I wish they were bigger", she said. My mate replies "Why not try pushing them into the sofa every hour of the day? It's certainyl worked with your arse"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:07, Reply)

A man goes up to the airport check-in
He's holding two vultures, one in each hand.

"I'm sorry sir," says the stewardess, "we only allow one carrion per passenger."
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:07, Reply)

carrion is what vultures eat, not what they are

(Bret Mong Keys Eggs has wet his weapon, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:08, Reply)

Unless they've been run over on the road

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:10, Reply)

change vultures to
"flattened badgers"
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:16, Reply)

or just 'dead vultures' would do

(Bret Mong Keys Eggs has wet his weapon, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Oops
In that case, have this:

A woman walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:39, Reply)

ALASTAIR FUCKING COOK
Just leave the fucking thing alone when it's outside your off stump, you girly-haired twat!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:25, Reply)

I made a crap sickipedia joke
but it got voted down. Sad times
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Should have said you were white and had boobs.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:40, Reply)