I've just had an awesome bus ride...
There was a kid on there this morning, travelling with someone I assume to be his older sister (she looked about 16, he looked about 5, both in school uniform), and he was asking loads of questions.

The concept of the emergency exit seemed to fascinate the kid, and so he spent 10 minutes asking questions about it. He then asked "Is it so superheroes can save us if we're in trouble?" She agreed, and told him it's so all superheroes can help, even if they don't all have super strength.

When he asked about this, she started going on about the emergency services. I only heard about the Fire Brigade being super-brave and the Paramedics being super-clever (her words) before I had to get off the bus, but this kid was loving it, and from the grins a few of us were exchanging, so were we.

So, when was the last time you overheard something that made you smile?

Alt Q: When was the last time you heard something that made you angry? Mine was hearing a lad in high school shouting 'Paki' at the bus as it drove past. Charming little shit.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 8:40, 258 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I have a path over the fence from my front door which dozens of primary-school kids and their parents use
and yesterday, two parents walked past as I was unlocking the door and one said "Well, she can't get up the stairs but there's always the kitchen sink..." which I struggled to find meaning in, until her companion piped up "Well if she gets desperate, then..."
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Alt: see last thread
*seethes impotently*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 8:55, Reply)

Fucks sake Mont
What an evil cunt :-(
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:00, Reply)

I am >this< close to complete despair.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:02, Reply)

I really do wish there was something I could say to help mate
But all I can do is sound like a broken record, and say keep your head up, you've shown you're an incredible father to your daughter, you've displayed incredible patience, and I keep my fingers crossed every day that karma exists, and it's got your back.

Also, her falling into a coma wouldn't be a bad start
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Chin up Monty.
We're here when you need to vent.
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:05, Reply)

I know it's boring. Sorry all.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:07, Reply)

No it's not.

( thealternativefact, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Not at all fella
Always happy to listen
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:13, Reply)

I hadn't read the previous thread as it appeared to be about a now solved i-pod problem.
Consequently my reaction to your first post here was "I know he likes his vinyl, but I think he's taking this a bit too seriously."
(Cave Duck, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Genius.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:20, Reply)

It really is.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Sorry.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:26, Reply)

Better than you talking about music I suppose.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Ah now that I am not at all sorry about.
You young fools need schooling.


EDIT Chompy I'm not foo-lin'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:28, Reply)

You are Joe Elliot AICMFP

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Robert Plant surely

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:34, Reply)

*belms*


*doesn't hand over £5*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:35, Reply)

*belms again, harder*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:35, Reply)

This is more how I view Monty

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

What's that cunt doing in my house?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

You should see the full video, it's funny as hell
It's from an old spice advert he did a few years back.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Needs longer hair and tighter trousers.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

So you can wank over it?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:02, Reply)

is that Bruce Campbell?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Yep

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:39, Reply)

legend

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

If you'd have said Steve Marriott
you'd have 100 bonus internet points for knowing that Led Zep nicked it wholesale from the Small Faces' version of 'You Need Lovin'.

But you didn't.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

doesn't surprise me
Led Zep were terrible thieves.

Can't stay mad at them though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:39, Reply)

You should check the Small Faces' tune out, it's excellent.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:39, Reply)

I will do so
The Small Faces are great
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

'Performance: Rockin' The Fillmore'
the live LP by Marriott's post SF band Humble Pie is a 70s hard rock classic not to be overlooked, too.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Is it better that MC Hammer and his debut classic
Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:46, Reply)

It's not THAT good, Jeff - but what is?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Wigfield?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:53, Reply)

NOTHING is better than Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'em.
That was the first album I owned on tape.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Mine was 'The Jimi Hendrix Album'
followed the next week by 'Johnny The Fox' by Thin Lizzy
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:58, Reply)

mine was Script for a Jesters Tear by Marillion
I've always had long hair and a beard, it was just purely mental until about 18.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:45, Reply)

From partially relevant experience
You'll have to court it. She has probably convinced herself she's right. A solicitor will (mostly) only tell her she is right, or at least that the court can be convinced she's right. It's only when you stand before an actual judge you'll get the truth out. Unless you've got convictions or she's got actual evidence of irresponsible behaviour then she'll seriously struggle.

In these sort of things solicitors rely on fear and a gamble that you won't take it all the way. I was particularly impressed that a solicitor won't respond seriously to a letter you write unless you pay a solicitor to write exactly the same words for you. Which is a bit fucked up, no?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

At a kids' party on Sunday...
one mum told another she had solved the problem of getting stains out of her child's clothes.
'I just don't let 'er 'ave red food no more.'
( thealternativefact, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 8:56, Reply)

Top quality parenting right there.
It's always best to wrap them head-to-toe in pallet wrap, just in case.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 8:57, Reply)

And so another eating disorder was born.

( thealternativefact, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:00, Reply)

"Now remember kids, if you eat anything red, you'll die!"
"And this is coming from your old friend Vomito, the bulimic clown!"

*laughs*
*tumbles*
*cries*
*vomits*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:03, Reply)

Noel's idea is top notch.
Much better than having to avoid tomatoes, red peppers and curries.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:03, Reply)

Her red food list was:
baked beans, strawberries and ketchup.
( thealternativefact, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:05, Reply)

HA the stupid cunt
beans aren't red, they're orange.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:06, Reply)

As you can imagine, she didn't seem too bright.
/judges
( thealternativefact, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:07, Reply)

*draws up eugenics programme*

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:08, Reply)

I don't even bother with that level of planning
just stab them in the eye with a screwdriver.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:09, Reply)

With a ragged blade, I hope?

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:16, Reply)

And red wine
That fucker has stained my carpet too many times.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:05, Reply)

carpet hideous shirt
( thealternativefact, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:06, Reply)

That shirt has gone now, gutted :-(

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:10, Reply)

:(

( thealternativefact, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:12, Reply)

In regards to the idiot above, is the child still allowed Spag Bol?
As that stuff is designed to be worn around kids white shirts, and no matter how old they get they can't stop getting it smeared all round their faces. Granted, neither can I!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:17, Reply)

\o/

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Cruelty!
But still, Custard belongs with crumble! Pie goes with ice cream!

Strange man...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:19, Reply)

I'm not really a dessert kinda guy
but daughter loathes custard so it's cream or icecream in our house.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Terrible!
Custard is awesome.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:31, Reply)

I'm with you
crumble demands custard
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Especially if it's Rhubarb or Apple

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

yeah

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Try the M&S uberspecial custard
it's fucking awesome. The first time I tried it I had serious munchies and ate the entire pot.
(berk, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I agree
Normally I'm against ready made custard, just doesn't seem quite right. But that is tasty!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I always find curries are an orangey brown.
Before and afterwards
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Some dishes
are REALLY RED in my favourite Indian restaurant.

They seem to overdose it with crushed beetles.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:09, Reply)

I once at a King Prawn Massalla which was bright red
It was still bright red when I vomited it over my friends patio later that night.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:09, Reply)

A friend of mine went OTT on the Red WKDs when they first started being sold
She was throwing up outside, and a few people were panicking, thinking she was vomiting blood, when a passing drunkard pointed out "It's fizzing, you silly fucks"
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:15, Reply)

My bathroom at the hotel at the last Mancs bash was like a scene from a slasher film.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Going to be a repeat performance this year?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Hell no!

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Shame, was a good laugh watching you totter around!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:31, Reply)

I nearly went to that bash
but I couldn't afford it in the end. What happened?
(berk, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:33, Reply)

I was a very naughty girl : (

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:35, Reply)

Did you have sex on the bar?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

No but I had Lampers head near my bosoms.
She's only 20.
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:38, Reply)

19 at the time, surely?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Ooops!

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:43, Reply)

But that's the best kind of girl!
too much red wine, I take it?
(berk, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Yes.
I blacked out after a while and don't remember most of the night.
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Racist.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:07, Reply)

She fell over, we all got extremely drunk, then me and t0ria left, got a kebab, took about 2 bites, proclaimed it shit, then went home
Normal bash really.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

I sprayed tomato and basil soup all over the toilets of some posh hotel in Manchester once
during a huge corporate christmas dinner. They should know not to hand out free champagne to 18-year old junglist hippies.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:34, Reply)

How did the lad at school know that the bus was from Pakistan?

(Cave Duck, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:06, Reply)

They were in Pakistan at the time
the chances of a bus being a foreign import was fairly slim.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Nah, the bus runs through a business park, 2 of the businesses are run almost entirely by Indians and Pakistanis

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Pakistani and Bangladeshi buses all look the same to me.

(Cave Duck, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:13, Reply)

Racist

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Bus-racist, if you don't mind.

(Cave Duck, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Bussist?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:19, Reply)

I did work for Volvo Truck & Coach dealership some years ago, that's probably led to me having some inbuilt bus snobbery.
However whilst I will admit to slight bussism. I wholly renounce the appaling bassism displayed by the likes of Vipros. Bassists are people too.

Rock Against Bassism, kids.
(Cave Duck, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:33, Reply)

I'm just bitter
my heart isn't in it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Do you wish you could play bass?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:38, Reply)

no, I just wish audiences would understand that the bass player is the least important person on stage
and I can play bass, I played most of it on the Squirrels stuff
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Not in Level 42 he wasn't!

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

good point
I shall change my ways
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:43, Reply)

VICTORY IS MINE!

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:45, Reply)

I'm not a bassist, but...

(Cave Duck, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Ha!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:52, Reply)

didn't get this at first
I'm going to be self-belming all morning I think
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Rock Against Bassism In Every Style?
what happens when you let bass players name your organisation.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:37, Reply)

haha, well played.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Alt.Q
In the same vein as your chap, a white van man called a bus driver a "black cunt" at Hoxton Roundabout.

Lovely.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:13, Reply)

Charming.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:15, Reply)

A bus driver called me Daddio
which isn't exactly racist but a bit weird.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Sounds like a quality hep-cat be-bop beatnik from the 50s.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:34, Reply)

He might have actually called me "daddy"
but that's a whole different ball game.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:39, Reply)

me ag
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:40, Reply)

That makes no sense either way

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

whole diffferent ball gag
called him daddy

it made some sense
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:42, Reply)

ball gaag?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:43, Reply)

oh yeah
*belms at self*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:45, Reply)

No it didn't,
because what you wrote would have been "a whole different ball gaag" or, if you had change the other "me" it would have been "called ag "daddy""

Which also makes no sense. So. Therefore, I am correct, it made no sense.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:44, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post866034
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:45, Reply)

I think we can all tell by now that Monty isn't very good at typing or spelling.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Except it was Vipros, not Monty

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:52, Reply)

haha
what a dumbass
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:53, Reply)

I think we can all tell by now that PsychoChomp isn't very good at reading or paying attention.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:54, Reply)

at reading or paying attention.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:04, Reply)

And you're even worse at reading.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Just have visions of Danny John-Jules
going "YOWWWWWWWWWWW" at Chompy.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:53, Reply)

I was once on a train in LA
and some young black guys were sitting near me, referring to each other as 'nigger'.

While I appreciate that this is a frequently used slang among such peer groups, and I wouldn't of course use the term myself, it was a bit uncomfortable to listen to.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Shut it, Honky.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Officelol

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

cracker!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Pfft!

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Nigga and Nigger are two different words.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Tell that to HR when you're being disciplined for racism

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:48, Reply)

I have repeatedly
now some sort of employment board wants to know about it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Lovely black cunt.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:32, Reply)

I used to get that magazine.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Need some?

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Got some?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Have some?

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:54, Reply)

What's that about the vein in 'my chap'?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

It's bulging, you need a smaller cockring

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:52, Reply)

The day after a London bash, year or two ago
I was walking with TGB, Lusty and BK down the south bank, when we passed a couple and overheard the woman use the phrase "That was a lovely sausage fest".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Are you sure that wasn't just TGB herself?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Are you implying that,
Not only does TGB have a penis, but she has multiple penii, enough to warrant being a one-person sausage fest?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

she keeps them in a bandolier

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

a bandolier her massive vag
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Nope, just that she requires a good sausage fest now and then
To invade the nooks and crannies of her massive vag.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Oh sadface
I had a shit night yesterday as I had a massive fight with my mum and now I'm at work and now you're being meant to me on the internet.

If you're not careful I'm going to go all emo
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:48, Reply)

*There there*
Are you feeling brighter today?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:50, Reply)

I'm not being mean
AA is. White Russians and hugs on Friday?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Tis only fair, I got called emo yesterday when I "bared my soul", or however that emo bollocks lot would put it

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I'm pretty sure by me....

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Yep!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Did you punch her in the face?
Or give her a taste of the peoples elbow?

It's not a proper fight if neither of those things happened.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:51, Reply)

She's freakishly strong
I would lose that fight
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Why not be honest and say...
'Was it you and your mum who auditioned for the X Factor and had a fight on the stage'?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Have you seen the topless pics of her yet?
Ugh ugh ugh
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I tried google imaging kittens in morris marinas to help.
but all I got was this

and also an old man in leather pants dressed as some kind of porn elf, so I hope you appreciate the damage to my fucking mind this has done. A pint of mindbleach please, barkeep.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:51, Reply)

I don't like cats
I do like the idea of you being mentally scared
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Imagine some Wei puppies?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:56, Reply)

AWWW
they have big blue eyes as puppies!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:57, Reply)

I could raise you from that to my old staffie sat in the passenger seat of my MG?

although she did always try and jump out and bite people when the hood was down. Police, mostly.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Well that sounds like it's lifted your spirits slightly.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I know. I was trying to create a juxtaposition of love and hate in your cold, cold heart.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:58, Reply)

:p

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:03, Reply)

*glomps*

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:06, Reply)

got a 12 journey ticket on the bus yesterday afternoon
for a change it wasn't a cunty bus driver and he let me on without stamping the first. "Result" I thought, a small piece of good luck on an otherwise shitty day.

Get on the bus this morning, hand my ticket over and the cunt driver goes "didn't they stamp the first one? I'll sort that out straight away" and stamped two fucking holes in the thing.

Complete cunt.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:31, Reply)

The Bus Lords giveth and they taketh away

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:35, Reply)

I got him back though
I didn't say thanks as I got off the bus like everyone else
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Stick it to the Man!
DOWN WITH THATCHER!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:37, Reply)

You want to go down on Thatcher?
Ugh.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:39, Reply)

That's fighting talk

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:41, Reply)

It'd be a fight to extricate yourself!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:42, Reply)

He'd rather milk her tits.
Tus taking back what she stole from us in the first place.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:44, Reply)

In that case...
...you might as well send a few miners up her clunge.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:53, Reply)

you think milk is gonna come out of those wrivelled old tits?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Not even a jobsworth
just a cunt. You will appreciate how nice it is to be reunited with my music collection.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:35, Reply)

It's hard work being a buswanker that's for sure

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Stop smiling at kids on buses.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:36, Reply)

I managed to keep my hand out of mine AND their pants this time
I feel that's a bonus, surely?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:39, Reply)

I bet you smell faintly of alcohol and despair.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Nope, that's quite a strong smell

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:43, Reply)

On monday, while driving home
I was speeding along the road and the car in front of me was only doing 40 when I was doing 60 so I overtook it, but the stupid cunt then started accelerating forcing me to cut him up severely to avoid hitting an oncoming car. The stupid cunt then sped up to over 70 to go past me while his retarded mates swore at me for having the audacity to be driving faster than them.

Then some other stupid cunt cut me up at the roundabout.

I fucking hate other drivers.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Was this in a residential area?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:50, Reply)

No
on a quiet country road which avoids having to go between two junctions on the M25
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Oh
then I have no respect for you
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:55, Reply)

There needs to be less of them
A lot less.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:51, Reply)

people who speed up when you overtake them are morons

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:52, Reply)

It pisses me off when some cunt is dawdling in the fast lane and you flash your lights for them to fuck off out of the way and die horribly
and they speed up and swear at you. If you're capable of speeding up then FUCKING CONCENTRATE ON DRIVING AND DRIVE THAT FAST BEFOREHAND!
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:55, Reply)

me and lab like doing laps of people sitting in the middle lane of the motorway
He is also really good and pointing and evil glaring at people in the middle lane as we go past.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:56, Reply)

TGB in complimenting Lab shocker!
I feel it is the front passenger's sacred duty to point and glare at middle lane hogs.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:59, Reply)

I do actually like you
But don't tell anyone
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:02, Reply)

This is the problem as I drive alone mostly
and mrs al hates it when I'm rude to people when she's driving. Can one of you come and be my driving buddy?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Em hates it
when I express to other drivers that I think they've made an error in judgement.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Mrs V gets right into the spirit of it
which is nice.

Means I can shout and honk away
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I get told off
Even for something minor like my Rage Arms (adopt angry face, raise one or both arms up into 'V's, as if silently asking "What the fuck was that?!").
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I sometime get told off for looking at people
as we drive past, not even mouthing "wanker" or "cunt" or anything. Just looking.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Does your wife drive?
Em doesn't, so she doesn't get how infuriating some cunty drivers are.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:22, Reply)

She does
but she hates any sort of confrontation.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I don't like confrontation
But I do like pointing out the failings of others, especially if they're inconveniencing me.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:28, Reply)

your secret's safe with me

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I like doing that
it's also funny when they aren't paying attention and you sneak up behind them and blow the horn.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:00, Reply)

way to cause a pile up there V!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:01, Reply)

to be honest
I've only ever done precisely what I described on that short stretch of motorway between the M5 north, and the M4 onto the Severn Bridge

and if some twat is driving in the middle lane and not paying attention, I feel it is my duty to wake them, and if they crash it's their fault not mine
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:03, Reply)

I agree just don't think honking on the motorway is a good idea.
Flashing people (with your lights) is fine.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I don't think driving in an oblivious manner
on the fastest roads in the country is a good idea. If you're so stupid that you can't pay attention to what speed your doing and what lane you're in, you're unlikely to notice flashing lights in your mirror either.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:12, Reply)

^this

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I wonder if you actually believe all the things you write. Of course you're going to notice flashing lights in your mirror
regardless of how intelligent somebody is and regardless of what road.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:21, Reply)

If you aren't concentrating to the point that your speedo is a random blur and you have no idea that there is an empty gap in the lane next to you
then you aren't going to notice flashing lights. I'm not just conjecturing here, I have flashed my lights repeatedly at people, and when I finally give up and overtake they haven't even noticed me there, they are either hunched over the wheel or chatting to their friend.

edit - also I like to "write" things that are "right"
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Or just ignoring the tosser in the car behind.
Cheers for that, 1-1 now eh.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:26, Reply)

I've been in situations where they haven't noticed
you do get some really oblivious drivers out there.

I've seen people oblivious to ambulances and police cars with sirens and lights flashing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Honking?
Honky.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Oh I hope you die in Wales

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Why get upset with the internet Al?
Actually ignore that, carry on as you were.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:07, Reply)

That wasn't upset, that was resigned detachment.
I got upset when talking about other drivers.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Yeah I saw, sounds like you were 100% in the right and correct on all points as usual so kudos.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Or start from the inside lane
go all the way to the outside to overtake them, and pull straight back into the inside, making sure that you never get more than five feet from the front or back of their car during the move.

That usually fucking wakes them up.

It's particularly bad up here, a lot of people seem to think the middle lane IS the lane your supposed to be in.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:05, Reply)

that's a favourite manouevre of mine too
Devon isn't too bad for middle lane hogs really, and as soon as you enter the county everyone speeds up anyway, so it's less of a problem.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:07, Reply)

That;s what me and lab do
stop copying us. I know we're cool but sheesh be your own man

heeheeheeeeeeeee
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I was doing that when you and Lab were just fields.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:12, Reply)

As TGB said, we already do this
And I illustrated it ages ago here
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:12, Reply)

I like the hula girl you have on your dashboard

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Thanks
She's fallen off now, the sticky pad she came with (eww) was shit.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:17, Reply)

Nah, you were talking about looping
I don't bother with the "slowing in the inside lane bit"

I just pull off a perfectly legal, textbook slow-middle-fast lane overtake. I just cut very, very, very close to the front and back of their car while doing it to wake them up.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I don't do that, risky innit
Cutting someone up is a cunt move in my book, so I prefer to loop.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Ah, each to their own.
But you aren't strictly cutting them up if you don't make them swerve out of the way. I merely have an in-depth knowledge of the exact length of my car ;)

I would loop, but it slows me down on my journey, daddio.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Most I've managed in looping is 5 complete loops
After that I got bored.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I like this
When I was heading down to Nottingham for a gig, I kept passing a car on the M6, who then passed me, and so on and so on and so on. After I got my passengers to wave at the guy and grin like idiots when we passed the next time, it seemed to stop.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:01, Reply)

to speeding up?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Go away and take your racist "friend" with you.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:57, Reply)

First point to me then?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I find it worse when they don't move and don't speed up
so you are forced to undertake them. I've had a load of abuse for that, and a couple of cars driven by chav wankers have tried to tag-team intimidate me. Getting in front and to one side and slowing down trying to box me in.

Their ugly slag girlfriends in their passenger seats gurning and shrieking encouragement.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Best one was last day of term when I heard one of the little ones tell their parents that they "liked Mrs Andy" made me smile and laugh for ages.

Alt Q: I have a friend who is a terrible racist and thinks it's justified as he once got mugged and attacked by a group of aisans. He says some horrendous stuff which I'm not gonna write down.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:53, Reply)

I'm being very serious here, if he is a terrible racist then you really ought to stand up to him, point out that he is being a cunt and then not be his friend any more.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:57, Reply)

I like it when you're serious, I'm so used to your pleasant, jovial side.
Vaild point however. He is moving to Sussex and me to Wales so hopefully I can let it just lapse by itself.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Wow way to be strong and stand up for your beliefs
unless you are a massive racist too in which case you can fuck off
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Nope not a racist
I tell him all the time he is out of order but I can't make him change. This seems to be the obvious and easiest solution. Not sure how you get me being a racist from the above statement.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:07, Reply)

If your not part of the solution then your part of the problem.
Innit.
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Then don't have anything to do with him before either of you move.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I don't intend to, last time I saw him was at a wedding a couple of weeks ago.
I have managed to avoid him since then. However he has a leaving party next weekend which I'm not sure how I'm going to get out of.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:13, Reply)

I have a suggestion.
Why not tell him "I'm not coming to your leaving party because you are a massive racist, and that is completely unacceptable."

Or you could turn up and then pull your "I find this distasteful but I'm not going to say anything" face, that'll show him.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:17, Reply)

he should turn up wearing a Hope Not Hate t-shirt

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:19, Reply)

"I find this distasteful but I'm not going to say anything" face
made me spit tea on my computer. Now I am going to go outside and laugh. A lot
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Not really into the passive aggressive shit, he knows my thoughts on it and we have fallen out over it before.
We grew up together and our parents are friends so it's going to be awkward at some point. I might just wear my anti racism wrist band and FREE NELSON MANDELLA t-shirt.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:29, Reply)

It's quite easy really
what you do is, not go to the party. If someone later asks you "hey knob jockey, why didn't you go to racist cunt's leaving do" you simply reply "Listen person who is better than me in life, I didn't go because racist cunt is a racist cunt and I don't want to be associated with people who hold views like that".
(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Well, I just went to google search the word 'aisan', seeing if there was anything funny
Turns out my google filter is off, and it did an autocorrection, not the best!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:00, Reply)

foiled by maths
i decided to be nice to my team and buy krispy kremes for everyone as i got off at a different tube stop this morning. ridiculously it is cheaper to buy 12 than 6, but i thought my little team wouldn't eat 2 each, and 12 wouldn't have been enough for the whole department. only realised when i got to work that there are 7 of us on the team. so now they are all eating krispy kremes and i am - not.

monty - i think you should probably get proper advice as to whether she has a serious chance of succeeding in court on the grounds of massive drugs. i can't help as i've never done family law, but my old firm has a brilliant family team and they are really cheap as they are in uxbridge. or i can put you in touch with our pro-bono clinic so you could get a free overview?? i can't believe any mother could think it was in the best interest of her child to deprive her of spending time with her dad. she's only going to resent her for it when she gets old enough to realise. mind you, once she gets to be 13, she'll hate both of you for ruining her life anyway because she didn't ask to be born...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I'm gaining an insight into the mind of a teenage Rachelswipe here.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:05, Reply)

I still say that to my mum when she's having a go at me.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:09, Reply)

She's not the boss of you.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Nobody is sunshine.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:15, Reply)

i was always
a very sunny-natured child, much as i am a thoroughly delightful and charming adult. so ner.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Pro-Boner
Sniggers.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:10, Reply)

It was bad enough saying 'Pro Bono'...
..whilst communicating with Monty. He is probably punching walls and foaming at the mouth.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Imagine what he'll be like when he actually reads Swipes post!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:15, Reply)

she won't get anywhere unless she can prove it
and prove negligence towards the kid. But her solicitor will tell her she can, because (s)he'll make more money stringing it on to court rather than going "hey, why don't you stop being a total bitch here, you're going to have to compromise and let Monty have better access sometime so why not now, and save both of you thousands of pounds". Welcome to the fucked up world of family law, kids.

On the plus side, if she refuses arbitration or mediation flat out she's basically lost before she steps into a court.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Whenever people talk about legal stuff
I want it to be like this
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Phoenix Wright?
Yeah, I've never seen that happen in court yet :(
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:23, Reply)

A boy?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:24, Reply)

I did laugh at the football on Saturday when an old man ran down the aisle to shout "Fuck off Mick McCarthy you slag-cunt-bastard bollock head!"

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Roy Keane really needs to move on

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 12:27, Reply)