The Arab hordes
When I worked in the Basingstoke town centre Sainsbury's, an extended family of Arabs came in wearing expensive looking silk kaftans, all in different colours. It may have just been one guy, all his six wives and the kids. Anyway, they looked exotic and glamorous, but they must have belonged to a cult that didn't believe in bathing. Christ on a bike they stank. The produce department staff quickly fled downstairs, as did the provisions staff, leaving half the shop floor unattended. Bad move - one of the kids, presumably having eaten a bad camel the night before, staggered up to the cheese fridge and chundered into 300 packs of medium cheddar. I'd never have thought one child could park such a vast tiger.

Anyway, after that the deputy manager (trying hard not to Technicolor-yawn himself) threw them out because they were "disturbing the other customers". The pukey cheese, you'll be relieved to know, was destroyed. We did have some standards.
(rogerzilla, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:50, Reply)

Nail clippiing
I do this, but leave the clippings on the carpet.
(peterlynch, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:38, Reply)

Bacteria
My Microbiology lecturer told me never to wash my hands in toilets. He says it doesn't really affect the level of harmful bacteria. You see, if you wash your hands, that's fine, but then you turn off the tap and open the door, which hundreds of people may have touched.

Then again, he's a fucking wanker, so I still wash my hands anyway. I'll never shake hands with him.
(I have a face also had a sig on, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:35, Reply)

Dale
I have a mate called Dale, he's slightly chubby and has long hair and often wears Heavy metal or Hawaiian shirts. Before I knew him, I'd sit a a few rows behind him in lectures and even from that far away, I could smell his rancid sweaty stench. I henceforth knew him as smelly guy, until my then-girlfriend started chatting to him and he became our friend, and we found out he's a sound bloke. Leading up to and after I broke up with my ex, she was hugging him a lot, but there was no attraction there, regardless. I was still jealous, until I saw that she was discreetly spraying him with a perfume bottle before trying to hug him. Turns out he just sweats a lot.

Kind of rich coming from that girl anyway, she was sweaty and smelly, too.
(I have a face also had a sig on, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:32, Reply)

Hand-washing...
...is something I rarely* do. After having a shit or a piss, I just calmly flush and leave the room. When wanking, I just wipe it off on the curtains, and resume my normal activities. To cap it all off, I rarely use a knife and fork**. My friend Tim described it as 'it's just like giving yourself a BJ'.

Oh, I also produce blizzards of dandruff on most days.

* I will wash my hands if my hand breaks though the bog roll though.
** Far too posh and time-consuming.
(peterlynch, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:29, Reply)

Working in the personnel office
I was lucky enough to work with a great lad, Alan, and an old minger Lucinda. She was horrible, so Alan and I used to play practical jokes on her. For example, we:

- linked all the paperclips together, so she couldn't get just one out
- glued her coffee mug to the table
- swapped the 'n' and 'm' keys on the keyboard (amazingly funny)
- completely emptied the office into the locker room
- put strong double-sided tape inside the mouse, so the ball doesn't roll properly.

By far the best prank we played was when we filled, entirely filled, the office with balloons. Lucinda went mental, the stuck-up wench that she is.

Yeah, I have rather fond memories of my Personnel Hijinx... wait, have I read that right?
(mmmkay, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:26, Reply)

Tip Tips Probably
But for those of you with stinking shoes, if you put them in a sealable plastic bag in your freezer over a 24 hour period, the bacteria will die and they wont stink...as bad.

Not from personal experience of course, a mate of mine had this problem...

Cheers!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:23, Reply)

Sweating like a (insert appropriately offensive phrase here)
A work colleague of mine sweats. Like Niagara Falls in slow-motion. He can be wearing a t-shirt in the middle of winter, and his armpits will be drenched beyond belief.

Despite this, he feels the need to take the piss out of the fact I use anti-perspirant, and that it is the vaguely chavvy adidas brand. Don't see me sweating though, do you, you human oil-slick?
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:14, Reply)

Banned from food factories.
A local haulage company is noted for employing the dregs of the Fens. One specimen is so filthy they have to jetwash inside his cab when it goes for MOT. One day this guy gets sent to the Cadbury's factory in Bristol. He gets to the gate, walks in, and is told "drive down, do not leave the cab, wait for your paperwork, and drive straight out." By the time he got back to the gate the supplier had been rung and told they were losing the contract if he ever showed up again.

how bad could it be? Well, I met him early one morning. This 350 pound walking shit heap comes up to me in the tea room, huge food/sweat stain down his front, 3 black fangs gleaming and says "Wot abaat them niggers?" Never met him before in my life. The stink was unreal, piss, sweat, shit, food all mingled.

At another firm, one whiffy guy sued a manager for slander. Unfortunately, they had to open the courtroom windows 5 minutes into the hearing...
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:09, Reply)

Oh his name escapes me now
in that really annoying tip of your tongue way. Anyway there was this RE teacher at school who refused to wear deodorant on the basis that Jesus didn't! Passing him on the stairs was not a pleasant experience.
Not exactly hygiene but one PE teacher had a testicle leakage problem during star jumps. It was most distracting.
( moogy boobles, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:08, Reply)

I once bought a pair of deck shoe-style "trainers" for a pound
I wore them for one day - nothing too strenuous, just tatting about town - then went home, where I took up my usual position on the sofa next to my roommate for a spliff.
"What's that smell?" he asks.
"I dunno," I say, nervously sniffing around for the source of any nasty odour - this was university, mind, so it could literally have been anything. Eventually I bent down and realised that the obnoxious odour was coming from my feet. Without thinking, I took off the cheap tatty footwear and the most unholy stench filled the room, causing my poor roommate to run for cover. I had to leave both the trainers and my socks outside the window that night, and even after a shower I had to sleep with my duvet propped up at the bottom and firmly pulled tight at the top, as the smell of my own feet was keeping me awake.

Never buy cheap shoes, it's not worth it.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Manky mates
My mate and his missus took their kids away for a week and I offered to feed the cat when they had gone, open the curtains, etc. etc.

I'd never really taken notice of their house before. Bit messy but with 2 kids it's understandable.

Fuck me - it was an absolute shithole when I turned up to feed their poor cat. Pans left on the stove with 2 week old food in them, plates and cups all over the house with varying degrees of food and half drunk brews in them. The high chair tray which their youngest used to feed from was disgusting and looked like it had never been cleaned. How the poor kid managed to stay healthy is something I'll never know.

The bin was overflowing and fags had been stubbed out on pretty much every carpet in the house. Dirty clothes left everywhere and the bathroom should have been quarantined it was that bad. Didn't look as thoguh anybody had taken a bath for years and the toilet had never ever been introduced to bleach (they didnt like the smell apparantly).

While I was popping in to feed the cat, my mate's Mum happened to be arriving at the same time one day with his little sister in tow. They knew how bad the house was and set aside 3 days to get it sorted. Amongst other things they told me they found were dirty shitty nappies shoved down the side of the cushions on the sofa.

So was my mate and his missus grateful on their return to his Mum? Not at all. Quote "it's our house and if we want to leave a shitty nappy down the side of the sofa, then we will do".

Not looking after yourself is bad enough, but when there are two of you with kids, its a fucking disgrace.

Mr W - if you are reading, I was too much of a wuss to tell you in person, but you and Miss B are dirty feckers.

Rant over

Cheers
(brocky, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 17:00, Reply)

Breath of Satan !!!!
During the eighties, worked as part of an Engineering team for an electronics factory in the manchester area.
A young man from Newcastle called Kevin came to join us, and straight away we had him down as a complete loser. He obviously had difficulty dressing himself, and had never had any contact with the opposite sex in his entire life ! Which was a major league problem, as most of the employees at said factory were women. He had the complexion of a pepperoni pizza, but the worst thing was his breath !! This guy could stop a truck at 50 meteres !! It was like talking to Godzilla , but without the flames. One or two of the kinder members of the female staff "Had a word" and persuaded him to gargle with dogshit dissolved in chlorine, which improved the stench no end !
My stomach's turning at the memory !
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:57, Reply)

Sonic Spoon...
reading, 1999, and the over flowing Chemical Toilet full of shit:

I'm pleased to say that I know the people who did that. It was a dare! after a while of being at Reading (or any festival for that matter) you inevitably need to for a dump. NOw we all know that these toilets arent the best in the world, but my mates managed to make this a billion times worse.

about 7 of them managed to queue outside this porta-potty, in succession. As you do, someone came up with the idea that you shouldnt flush, but rather release your mersey trout, wipe away, but dont flush. I believe their crowning glory was the 7th and last person, who managed to produce a "Mr. Whippy" (how he never managed to hurl, i dont know, but im lead to believe that he came out of their a different colour!) ... they opened the door, and looked in shock awe as they flushed. The toilet backed up with some awesome force, over flowing and everything. The chemical bit also broke because it could not handle that huge volume of shit!!

Joe would be so proud that the actions he initiated have made b3ta a full 8 years after the event. I wish i still knew him to be honest, we lost contact after going to uni.
(drain_bamaged, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:56, Reply)

My ex-housemate
was very smelly indeed.
His smell was musty and disgusting.
He never cleaned up after himself.

The End
( King_Eric has been ok since, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:55, Reply)

Why, oh why
Do so many of you have stinky friends? I could not be friends with a stinky, no siree.

On reflection, I have decided to avoid all teachers, school children, university students, fat people, men with pony tails and goths.
(Alice The Camel is one of the soon to be extinct 1-humped variety, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:54, Reply)

I have...
two infected ingrown toenails. If anyone reading has ever had these, they'll understand the nature of the smell... I no longer experience that disgusting, yet satisfying odour when you take your shoes off after a long day when you've been up on your feet rushing around... I get an absolutely revolting, repulsive waft of bacteria infested sweat fill a corner of my room as soon as I take my shoes and socks off. A mate of mine has suggested I start a blog called mymankytoe.com documenting the various stages day by day of my toe.

I was also a right minger in school... ashamedly I admit I was the smelly kid... this of course fuelled bullying and torment... which in turn has made me far more attentive nowadays towards cleanliness and hygiene. Good in the end I suppose. These days I cringe at the idea of not washing my hair EVERY morning...
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:45, Reply)

my flat mate at university shat himself when drunk
if that wasn't bad enough, he tried to dry out his jeans on a radiator. the smell of baked shit was enough to make everyone to evacuate the building retching and gagging.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:45, Reply)

Stinky
On a week long surf trip to Newquay (this was 10 years ago, when it was merely a shit place, rather than an unbearably shit place) a few of us were on the beach playing frisbee or some other pre-surf activity.

At this juncture we realised that from our discarded gear a foul stench was emanating.

The culprit of said stench was quickly found to be Ian's shoes. With great alacrity these were hurled away from us up the beach, landing about 15 metres away.

Soon it came to pass that some surfing was necessary, with Ian deciding to reclaim his shoes after the session.

I must add at this point that these shoes stank worse than the crotch of Satan himself on a particularly hot day, when he has been cycling round the hottest circle of Hell clad in 18 pairs of non-breathable lycra shorts. containing camembert.

Aprés surf, we returned to our spot on the beach; at this stage Ian decided that gathering his shoes for the imminent return to our hostel was in order.

But where were they? yes, dear reader, someone had stolen the most foul smelling pair of footwear that you can possibly imagine.

I shudder to think what could have happened to the poor (clearly olfactorily impaired) soul who took it upon themselves to take these shoes.

If anyone lives in Newquay and knows someone with no legs, I suspect that the cause may be that they were melted off by my friend Ian's shoes.

Apologies for length, but I've had the most boring day at work ever and needed something to kill some time.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:37, Reply)

Uni story
The guy might read this in which case ha ha everyone now knows you smell!

Basically in my err first year at uni it was about 6 weeks till the christmas holidays
One of the guys on my course Eddie worked out that if he wore each t shirt he owned for 3 days and never changed his jeans he could make it till the holidays without having to do any washing.
About 5 weeks in the jeans wern't the healthiest and eventually the arse fell outta em, the jeans literally disintegrated

This was funny until i wrote it up!
(andrewg1323, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:30, Reply)

A mate of mine
was born without a sense of smell. He's quite a big chap, sweats a lot and has no idea how much he stinks half of the time.
(Grim Jimm makes loud noises at myspace.com/corpsewalking, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:29, Reply)

Guilty smell pleasures
Admit it - you love the smells you make. My list of greatest hits:

1) The 'hot' fart under the duvet.
2) The mackeral stench of an unwashed foreskin after yesterday's shagging.
3)The nacho cheese bouquet of toenail clippings.
4) A freshly laid crap - my faves are 'christmas pudding' and 'Guinness'
5) The earthy tang of your own a-hole, drifting to you on a hot day.
6) Hair grease - sometimes I get some under a fingernail just for a sniff.
7) That chopped onion/vomit aroma of armpit sweat just about to turn bad.
8) That early morning tomcat piss that's orange in hue.
9) Earwax - nothing like that golden stuff furtively sniffed off a fingertip.
10) Bogeys - mine smell like roast chicken (but only when pull 'em out, oddly).

Come on - you know I'm talking sense. The only thing that turns my stomach is day-old jis. Even the fresh stuff is pretty rank.
(Fothermucker, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Feet
I have developed something of a reputation for having extraordinarily smelly feet within my family. I would like to clear the air at least on this website, so I'm not branded like a leper for the rest of my life.

When I was about 11, I developed a growing condition called Osgood Schlatters disease. This was a condition whereby the tendons in my knees wouldn't grow fast enough for the bone, so they were permeanantly stretched. This meant agony if I tried to run, and if I was sitting down in a cramped space - for example, the back of a car, it would be unbearable, as I was and am over 6ft tall. Incidentally, this was cured by putting one leg at a time into a full leg cast, and being in a wheelchair for 6 months. But I digress, this isn't the story.

At the same time as this, I developed hideous ingrown toenails on each big toe. I mean really bad, bad enough that 2 years after having them sorted out at 16 years old, I still flinch if someone steps on my toe. If I stubbed my toe on a door or something, I would be in unimaginable pain.

Now the other problem with these toes was the smell. They were extremely infected, and the doctors kept prescribing antibiotics instead of surgery, because they couldn't operate with the toes so infected. One problem - the antibiotics didn't bloody work! I found one thing which actually helped them - my dog.

Now dogs are particularly foul creatures, they don't have the ability to feel disgust, and ours was no exception. And after a long days' work, my toes would be aching like hell. So when I got home I would take my shoes and socks off, and put my feet on the coffee table, and Millie, our dog, would just go to town. She would lick my toes for as long as I would let her, and this was generally anything up to an hour. And it helped! But the problem was the smell. After a day of serving fish and chips (this was GCSE summer before AS levels) I didn't smell brilliant anyway, and the stench that eminated from my toes after this was pretty much unbearable.

But the worst was when we went to visit some relatives, about 150 miles away. This involved me and my 2 brothers squeezing into the back of a Volvo V40, my toes burning like always, and my knees in agony from my Osgood Schlatters. I put up with this for about an hour before I thought I was going to die, and took my shoes off to wedge my feet under the seat. The pain in my knees lessened and I thought everything would be OK. Until 15 seconds later people started crying. My Dad was gagging at the wheel, my brothers instantly started punching me, and everyone wound down the window. It was lovely. Well, after 2 minutes of release I was forced to put my shoes on again and spend the rest of the journey in pain. Nothing compared to their pain though.

The best thing was, after visiting these relatives we trooped back to the car, and got in. There was a wonderful lingering odour of foot and pus, which they savoured all the way home.

I've even uploaded a nice picture of my prehensile gibbon feet in the bandages after the operation to sort them out - I did have some with the bandages off, but was forced to delete them from the family computer.

i80.photobucket.com/albums/j184/Rookie07/Crash023.jpg

Notice the wonderfully orange colour of the pus seeping through a clear half inch of bandage. I consider it art.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Re Zombie
Sonic Spoon, was this in Manchester?
I used to work in an outdoor type shop and we had a guy that came in for gas canisters who was just the same.
Massive filthy stinking hands, black and green fingernails, strange skin.
the stench was pretty impressive in comparison say with the mad woman of the shopping trolley (who smelled like a dead cats vag wrapped in rotten brie) and had a buzziness about it.It burnt your eyes, nose and throat.
To top it all he had a continual one inch nose drip that seemed bluey green.
All his money was ice cold to the touch as well!
And he was insane, sounding like Uncle Peter crossed with Gerry Sadowitz and that mad bloke in the 70's that talked nonsense for a living.

He was great
(markov1723 Annoying Bavarians since, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:25, Reply)

Cigarettes
This might not go down well but everyone who smokes f'ing stinks! dont lie to yourself. you might think its relatively normal but these days, its not.

i used to love cigarette smell when i was a nipper cos it reminded me of my grandad but now it drives me mad/puts me off. menthol cigs especially - reek - i now dont let my brother in the car the smelly fat fuck

also - "mints" really dont help, it just rams your own nasal chute with minty goodness and not mine you smelly bastard. my friends all wonder why they're single. easy. they smell. of fags. all the fucking time. who wants to go in the mouth of something that tastes/smells of sun dried urine??

what really, really gets me is when you nip down the pub for just a couple of drinks and you think, upon your return, this jackets still clean, i'll wear it again, oh, wait a sec, it fucking stinks of fags. hmmmmm, cheers you smelly cunts!

me and my girlfriend have even been put off from one another after a night clubbing when, after 10 minutes of drunken fumbling, we realise the other stinks like week old shit. shower sex the next morning just about made up for it, but only just.

bring on the smoking ban i say - and by the way, febreeze is for people with dogs or smelly unwashed fuckers only. it is not an excuse to not cleanup.

grrrrrrrrrant off
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:22, Reply)

.
I haven't had a bath since 2002.

But thats because I live in a house that only has a shower.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:19, Reply)

I'ts brewing
By next Tuesday some of the answers to this QOTW are going to stink.
( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:15, Reply)

Little Paul
A university housemate, so named because he was 5' tall and quite portly. He looked just like Penfold from Dangermouse. He was a walking bio-hazard.

First of all, he had these big blubbery lips like a couple of calf livers. For some reason, they were always chapped and peeling, so that when he woke up in the morning, his lips were covered in a kind of moist, oaty dandruff that seemed to build up into a shelf of dead skin. It never vanished, even after he ate.

His teeth started out yellow and slowly became green over the degree. His incisors especially seemd to have a textured appearence, like lichen was accruing on them, and his breath smelled a lot like manure. He used the same three-fibre sprig of a toothbrush for the whole three years.

Then there was his sweat problem. He sweated perpetually and his face was a constant glistening sheen. His handshake was clammy and his t-shirt was always stuck to his man boobs. Since his hair was also greasy, this stuck to his forehead and made him look like he'd just emerged from a pool. This wasn't helped by his diet: Goblin tinned pies, oven chips and coca cola

Naturally, the stench was pretty bad. His room was a compost of rank, stale sweat. He didn't change his sheets for a year and used to wank himself almost lame a few times a night, amassing a mountain of jizzy tissues under the bed.

The worst occasion, however, was when he shat himself after drinking cheap cider all night. The toilet was almost completely covered with a thin, reeking broth of shite that filled the entire house with an anal stench.

I visited him a few years after we graduated and noted with some disgust that his teeth had acheived botanical proportions and that his toothbrush was the same. This was especially repulsive, because the week before we all left the house another housemate had drunkenly cleaned the toilet with Paul's brush because he hated him so much. Nobody ever told Paul.
(frankspencer, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:11, Reply)

Christ on a bike...
...I was thinking a few minutes ago what I fancied for dinner when I got home, and then I scanned this new QOTW whilst I was waiting for a Microsoft-Progress-Bar-Of-Lies.

Now I don't fancy anything for dinner. Ick.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:09, Reply)

Orange rims...
Used to know a guy at school called 'A' - had the biggest wonkiest teeth in world. Wouldn't be quite so bad if they wern't encrusted with a thick, dark orange layer at the top around the gums. You litrally had to turn your head away from him when having a conversation because of the stench, it brought tears to your eyes.


And then there was Mrs Colenut (or Coldnuts, obviously!)who taught maths who to this day wears the same outfit. Long blue skirt, salmon pink jumper. Every day. I know someone who went to our school 9 years ago, and she was still wearing those clothes. Niice.
(Strangemiester, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:05, Reply)