Dying hamster
Some years ago my daughter had two dwarf hamsters - one got ill and had to be taken to the vet to be put down - at the cost of £23.50.

Then ... the last one got stuck behind its wheel and was in a poor way - obviously not going to last the day. My daughter went off to school knowing that it would be dead by the time she got home.

The poor thing was obviously in pain - but I just didn't have the courage to use a couple of bricks (or wish to spend another £23.50 even if I could get an appointment!), so I put a bed of cotton wool in a Tupperware box, put the hamster in, sealed the box and put it in the freezer to die a slow (and I hope painless) death from hypothermia.

Before my daughter came home I took it out and put it back in its cage.

She got home from school, went rushing up to her room to check, and said very matter of factly,

"It could only just have died - its still warm."
(lozzzz, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 18:38, Reply)

The old ones are the best, eh charlie?
www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/haredry.asp
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 18:21, Reply)

Patchwork
My mate Steph has a border collie that his mum got at christmas time. A gorgeous thing that was bought from the one of the local farms. When it was a pup it had an annoying habit of slipping his lead an legging it, this usually resulted in me and Steph running like two arthritic walruses after a cheetah. Damn that dog can run.

One morning right on cue dog slips his lead and legs it. Only thing is Steph is getting ready to go to work in the local hospital. So he wakes his mum up and tells her what's happened and heads of to work. A few hours go by and his mum hears the dog scraping at the door and goes to let it in. She opens the door and there's Holly with a huge shit-eating grin and the remains of a well chewed rabbit.

After letting the dog in and starting to clean up the 'gift' his mum realises that this is in fact the neighbour's boy's pet bunny.

I a moment of halucinatory genius Steph's mum decided rather than come clean she would clean up the bunny carcass and stitch the woulds closed. She then sneaks into the neighbour's back yard and puts the floppy corpse back into the hutch.

About 2 weeks go by and my mate runs into the neighbour in the local supermarket and they start chatting.

'Did you hear my boy's bunny died?' asked the neighbour, Steph feigning ignorance replies that he hadn't heard and asked how the lad was doing. 'Well, he would've been fine if someone hadn't dug it up and stuck it back in it's hutch.'

Length? Considerabley shorter post mortem.
(charliesays, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 18:12, Reply)

Clever Dog
We had a labrador when we used to live in Brum... He was extremely mischievious but did that annoying puppy dog eye thing when you told him off...

Anyway, he used to take himself for walks as we lived in a village so there weren't that many cars, he used to go down to the supermarket and take things from the baskets of the shoppers, he came back with loaves of bread, sausages and even a jar of curry once... he had his own tab that we had to pay off when we went shopping... he also chewed his way through a solid wood door so he could get out and sunbathe...

He woke us up in the middle of the night (which he NEVER did) so thinking there was something wrong went downstairs and opened the back door... he went outside, took a pear off the pear tree and came back inside.

He's no longer with us , but our new dog seems to share a few of these qualities aready...
(Notmo, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 17:36, Reply)

Fudge
We had a hamster called Fudge, who was quite the acrobat, and could open the side flap of her cage by clamping on the the cage with her teeth and pushing with her paws as hard as she could on the flap. We normally put a padlock over it, but one night we forgot, and she escaped. We spent half an hour looking for her, then gave up and had breakfast.
We found her in the top drawer in the kitchen, sleeping on about 6 very sharp carving knives. She had escaped, crawled under the kitchen door, past the washing machine, round the back of the cupboards, up 5 drawers and fallen asleep.
She was very clever, and could even climb up the curtains, 2 metres up, then fall, and still be fine. She also enjoyed chasing our rabbits around the house, one moment being a rabbit chasing her, going behind the sofa, then the rabbit running out with Fudge chasing it. I miss Fudge...
Length? It was a girl hamster....
(RooRooRasputin Lover of the Russian Queen, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 17:20, Reply)

gender confused dog.
i have 3 dogs and 2 of them are female.
one day i was sitting in the yard with them when the male dog got up
and peed on the shed.

well about a minute later my other dog got up and she went over to the
shed and tried to copy what he'd just done.

i was helpless laughing when she lost her balance and fell onto the
grass.
(i eat crayons, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 16:55, Reply)

The coolest dog ever
We have a Jack Russell called Toby. He is without a shadow of a doubt, the coolest dog ever! Everyone who meets him agrees, and he's even converted a couple of friends who previously had phobias of dogs.

He's a bit of a beast, as I said he's a Jack Russell but we think his mummy might have played the field somewhat as he seems to have the same size and shape of a coffee table.
he's a chunker.

His hobbies include killing bonios (as we all know, this culinary delicacy is alive when given to him and has to be thrown around the house and rolled on in an energetic manner until its satisfactorily dead).

He also likes to roll around on the bed, especially when it's covered in the clean, neatly folded washing. This has resulted in a sheepish looking (pardon the pun) dog coming downstairs with a bra or pair of pants caught round his neck.

He eats most things, favourites include carrots, bits of fluff and dead things. His pet hate however is honey. If you dare to give him a bit of toast with honey on it, he spits it back out on your feet, sucks his cheeks in and marches off (well it's more of a waddle really) in disgust.

He's very much a people person and is never happier than when he's managed to crawl into someones room and into bed with them. I agree with the post about being fisted by a dogs claw. It's a most rude awakening.

however, his party trick though involves BBQs. He just KNOWS when we're going to have one and will wait all day until we've cooked all the yummy food and are sitting down at the patio furniture to eat and...he takes a crap on the lawn. EVERY sodding time we go to eat he does this. One special occasion when my sister and I were both at home (this rarely happens as she works abroad and I'm at uni) he managed to have a slash, a crap and then vomit. All in the same meal.
Mind you, I can't wait to see him when I next go home!
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 16:21, Reply)

Stupid Child
I once bit the cat on the stomach. Ever seen alien?

CLAMP.

Mum couldn't get her off because she was laughing too hard.
( ClanSoul, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 16:15, Reply)

Fatdog and Adventure Ears, Part 6.
I'll keep this brief: Adventure Ears has a very odd reaction to whoopie cushions.



The odd part is that she really likes this game.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 9 Jun 2007, 15:13, Reply)

Hamsterrr
A few years ago I had this hamster who was a bit of an acrobat and had figured out how to open the top of his cage by climbing the walls, monkey barring along the top and then flipping himself off the catch. We used to have to leave a load of books over the top so that it couldn't get out.

Anyway this one time my dad was in the living room at night watching some horror film and I was at my moms. It gets to this scene where theese people are running through the sewers getting chased by a load of rats, he turns around and the hamster is sitting right at the top of the chair staring at the TV.

Another time the hamster escaped and we couldn't find it, and we figured we'd probably lost it cause we hadn't found it for days. We'd noticed it had gone in the morning, and we finally found her when we were going to bed. Turns out she'd gone from one side of the house to the other, climbed on to a dressing table, fell off again and got stuck in a bin.
(danecobain I have a new sig!, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 15:01, Reply)

Jack
Only two nights ago my mother-in-law visited to pick our ironing (good girl!), and brought her lurcher Jack.

The missus and her were nattering away, and while I'm in the middle of it, trying to watch The Bill, the dirty bastard of a dog pisses up against my living room wall. I sat there open mouthed for a minute while the two women carried on until I told the MIL to clean it up.

Dirty little sod!
(Fatty Thornton, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 15:01, Reply)

Yellow and Runny
I grew up in Newport, famous of course for the GLC and well, other things Im sure. We lived in a nice housing estate next to the school, in fact you could climb over my back fence and get into the school grounds should you so wish.

So one day my friends an I are in the boys playground (it was seperated for some reason) and my black and white cat, Kitty comes trotting up to play with us. Being 8 this was the coolest thing ever, I was suddenly the centre of attention. All my friends were picking up Kitty, playing games and chasing her around the playground.

That is, however, until I noticed flecks of a runny yellowy-brown substance on the sleeve of my coat.

Kitty was only a couple of years old and had some sort of infection or dietary problem and had quite a bad case of the runs. In fact, she'd covered myself, and three of my friends in shit.

Screaming and running to the toilet, I tried to wash as much off as possible before we all went in for lunch. A teacher had come out to investigate the commotion and attempted to chase Kitty back to our house.

30 minutes later in the crowded school dinner hall the headmaster comes in, gets everybody's attention and demands that the four children who had come in contact with the cat's diarrhea be seperated from the rest of the lunchgoers. Me and the three other boys were made to stand at the side of the hall, in full view of the entire school (girls and all) while we were "inspected" for contamination.

Kitty had infiltrated the school by this point, and managed to leave her mark on Mrs. Kelson's register and dress before she was finally dumped back over our garden fence by my mum.
(borovan, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 14:51, Reply)

In Fort William they wank dogs!
just ask Badger. Best holiday of his life.
(fannyface, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Headbuting Cat
My cat Max likes headbuting people.
Hold your head at his height and he will happily run up and knock noggins together. He will even jump to reach your head.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 14:12, Reply)

Dog vomit
Once i was at a party hosted by my friend for her birthday, it was way out in the countryside (in a place called Wombleton of all things) so of course all the people who werent from the place or the outlying villages stayed at hers. Now id managed to consume a large amount of vodka that night, and felt the need to be sick everywere. So of i wobbled to the toilet, but to no avail, the door was locked, so i did the first thing that came to mind, i ran to the door and stuck my head out to be sick, it was bloody dark so i noticed nothing out of the ordinary, and promptly went to sleep after.

I woke in the morning to some very stern looks from her and her parents. Apparantly when i had been sick out the door, their pet jack russel had been outside waiting to come in, and id managed to be sick all over the poor thing.

They cleaned it all of to before i woke so i didn't have to do it, stars!
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 13:40, Reply)

Cat wig
After a very heavy night on the beers, my mate was discovered by his mum, alseep on the stairs outside his flat with their cat also asleep, on his head.

So more hair of the cat than dog for him then.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 13:14, Reply)

I pissed on my cat
When my cat was a kitten he use to hang out on top of the toilet seat while I would get ready for work in the morning. His name is Guy.

One morning I had lifted the lid on the toilet and just as I was starting to go Guy jumped (probably thinking the lid was down as usual) in to the toilet. The next thing you know I'm pissing all over him. Because I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop myself from pissing. He was completely soaked.

Lucky for him I didn't eat Asparagus the night before.

I finally pulled him out and gave him a bath. When my wife woke up she wanted to know why the cat was wet. That was a tough one to explain to her.
(JubJub, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 13:13, Reply)

Dog Leg Pete
Legend of Abberystwyth Uni; I never went to that Uni but the story was heard far and wide, and now it will be told on here also.

Pete, drunk at one of the pubs in Abba (they have many MANY pubs for such a small place) annouced this story to some guys from his lecture and the barman, and rightfully earned his nickname above.

The story goes as follows;

1- Spotty teenager Pete gets to housesit all alone (except for his little dog).
2- Spotty teenager Pete flicks channels on telly and discovers Baywatch.
3- Spotty teenager Pete finds some hankies and "gets busy fwapping Mr Jiggy".
4- Spotty teenager Pete's dog comes in. "What's going on 'ere?" thinks innocent doggy. "Me eyesight's not that great; lets have a sniff" thinks the dog.
5- Spotty teenager Pete is well into mid-fwap, but the dog is trying to sniff Mr Jiggy. So Pete, instead of stopping and removing the dog from the room, decides to continue while holding doggy's collar just out of reach of Mr Jiggy.
6- Spotty teenager Pete get's a surprise; his parents have come back early and walk in with him, pants around his ankles holding doggy at arms length in one hand, and Mr Jiggy's length in the other.
7- Spotty teenager Pete's mum quietly grabs the dog off him and walks out to the kitchen. Pete's dad walks his son upstairs to Pete's room and tells him about the "Birds and the Bees (tm)".

Now there's a pub confession for the locals :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 12:48, Reply)

My late dog Ben could pick his moments well.
Awesome Labrador/Rotweiler cross, used to take me dad for walks (due to his sheer strength and being nosey abilities).

One loverly summers morning me dad sets up an outdoor swimming pool of the Argos variety out the back garden, gets the hosepipe to run out to the pool and starts filling up slowly. Me younger sister and one of her friends change into their swinsuits (by they way, they were about aged 10 at the time so no hard-ons please) and patiently wait. For about a good 2-3 hours.

Eventually my dad turns off the hose pipe, and announces that the pool is ready for use. The girls cheer, and walk up to the pool, ready to get in. Unfortunately, that was the time when Ben decided to pick that exact moment to walk to the side of the pool before them and cock his leg up, pissing gracefully into the pool while he wagged his tail happily.

They didn't use the pool that day.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 12:38, Reply)

Cat threw up on my dictionary sir!
My sister had to use this as an excuse for not bringing her German dictionary to class once. This wasn't exactly what really happened.

The truth was she sneeked up behind one of my cats when they were about a year old. He was snoozing on her sofa bed when she jumped out shouting 'boo'. He shat all over her school bag and homework in terror.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 12:37, Reply)

Stoned Cat
Friend gave me a BIG bag of catnip, advising to put just a pinch of it on the floor now and then for happy cat fun. Which I did, cat loved it, rolled about in it and everyone's happy.

Left the bag on top of the TV....

Came home from work the next day to find the bag ripped open and the floor covered in catnip. And the cat lying in the middle of it all with a huge grin on its face :)

Cats can smile, did you know that? Especially when they're off their face on catnip :)
( Ysol ab abl blap, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 12:23, Reply)

Lesbian rapists...
I live with two black bitches. They don't have jobs, they both refuse to do any housework and they're only nice to me whenever they want something. I've had to interfere several times when I've found that one of them hasn't been able to control their "desires" and started raping the other one.

I've also live with a black labrador. Her name is Holly.
(Blue Mushroom, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 12:16, Reply)

Hamsters
Had a hamster when I was younger, called him Dracula as he bit everyone and everything. He eventually escaped by chewing through the floorboards in our bathroom (clever little bastard pulled back, and then replaced, the carpet so we wouldn't notice). Can't say I was too sad... Lost a lot of blood with that one.

Also, when I lived in Brazil my two youngest sisters were given two hamsters by a friend who's family was being posted to Thailand. One day these hamsters were spooked by the hoover and play dead. My mum finds them and assumes they are chewing lettuce in heaven... but given that it was around 45C that day decides that she should 'keep them on ice' until my sisters come back from school. So she put them in the freezer. She got a bit of a shock later on when the plastic bag they'd been put in was empty, and two frozen hamsters were at the back of the freezer. Worse thing is that she gave them to the porter of our building to bury. Two days later he told me he'd eaten them instead.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 12:11, Reply)

A friends cat...
when he was very young ate a few cakes that his mum had made for some friends.
not the kind of cakes cats should eat.
The Cat spent the rest of the week monged out on the back of the sofa and was never right after it. But thats not the best bit.
Fast forward quite a few years and said cat gets hit by a car and loses its front leg. For some reason (possibly a combination of being old and just being a bit of a thick cat anyway) it would regularly forget its front leg was missing and crash into the floor. Everytime it tried to stand on it. this meant it took forever to walk anywhere as it had to pick it self up and shake it off every other step.
It was quite sweet in a way. I think it finally passed away last year.
Woo for cats
(Monkeyofspong, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 11:34, Reply)

45 days
There's this small dog that is being liberated from it's bitch of an owner for 45 days. Not much of a story, but it certainly cheered me up when I heard it.

Length? Too short for the bitch.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 11:33, Reply)

drug addict cat
Chinese goosberry or Kiwi fruit plants as they are better known are interesting for 2 reasons

1 You need both a male and a female plant to produce the fruit and ...

2 The sap fron the plant acts as a narcotic to cats.

A few years back we had a big old cat called sooty and our neighbour had a couple of kiwi fruit vines in her back yard. All the neighbourhood cats knew about them. The vines were widley "utilised" over time , the cats had rubbed a depression in the ground under one of the lowest hanging vines.
A cat would lie on its back , put a paw in the air with its claws extended and take a swipe. The resulting slash would result in a cut to the vine releasing the sap. The cat on its back would wriggle around to let the sap drip into its mouth . Once it had its fill it would wobble off and let the next cat waiting have its turn.

Our neighbours garden was essentially an opium den for felines. Old sooty was no stranger to over the fence . I can destinctly remember watching him walk over the roof of my dads car in anything but a straight line , one paw flopping in front of the other (immaging drinking 10 pints of stella and you get the idea). How he managed to jump up on to the car in the first place is beyond me as a minuite later he stumbelled into the garden wall completley oblivious to it.
Oddly enough we didnt see much of him for the rest of the day .

If i hadnt seen this with my own eyes i would not have of believed it . Our old neighbour used to talk about finding comatosed cats spread all around her back yard.

How the cats knew that Kiwi fruit vines are narcotic beats me.

P.S. doesnt work for humans
(welgar, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 11:04, Reply)

catwank
A FOAF who may or may not be related to me (is not actually me) was vigorously scratching our cat's tummy one day, to the cat's evident pleasure. By 'evident' I mean that the cat spluffing all over the FOAF's hands was pretty incontrovertible 'evidence'.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 10:54, Reply)

African Grey
I own a very talkative parrott. If the phone rings when I pick it up he says hello you alright mate and the people on the other end think its me. He enjoys having a shower (put him in bath and hold the shower head by him) so much so that if i forget for a couple of weeks he asks for one "can I have a shower?"
Can I come out my cage?
Mmmmmm Can I have some of this? (to whatever were eating)
He can whistle perfectly with no mistakes, The Great Escape, The Adams Family theme, Dont worry Be Happy, including the words. And because the TV is left on for him if were out he's taken to the mcdonalds whistle too.

He really is a clever chap. If I strike up the first line of The Great Escape he will do the second me the third him the fourth etc.

Train a camera on him and he shuts up! just sits there and plays dumb....The swine

No real plot to this just a little ramble
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 10:36, Reply)

Lottie the Christmas Chainsaw
Ah yes, Lottie. She loved my brother. She never scratched him, but anyone else had better keep a sewing kit on hand. Oddly, my Dad loved teasing her. He'd often get scratched, but laughed it off as he waited for the bleeding to stop.

One Christmas, my Mom invited a friend and her family over. So we had much booze and food planned. Unfortunately, Mom's friend brought her husband over. Who is absolutely the most unpleasant and disgusting person I've ever met. Which makes this all the sweeter...

My Dad was feeding the cats. Evil Guy picks up Lottie. She growls and spits at him. My Dad puts food on the floor. Lottie growls some more. Evil Guy sticks out his tongue at Lottie. She sees her moment, and lays his tongue open side to side with four claws. He screams like a little girl, showering the floor in blood, and drops Lottie. She lands, and goes off to have her food.

Eventually, he manages to get the bleeding to stop, but can't eat or anything. His day is ruined. We're the happiest people ever that day. And I swear Lottie looked smug for the rest of the week, as we fed her snacks and stuff.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 10:32, Reply)

When I was small...
We had two cats, Minnie and Lottie. Lottie owned my brother, and Minnie was mine. Minnie never hurt anyone, alhough she was a great hunter. Lottie was... well, imagine a small furry chainsaw. The two of them were inseperable.

One house we had, we lived next door to an old people's home. The cats used to spend a lot of time there, as old people are happy to sit all day and fuss the cats. One day, the woman who ran the granny farm came round to complain that our cats dug up her flower beds.

"Er..." said my Dad. "Don't you have a dog?"

She did. Turns out the cats had showed it who was boss, and left it at that. We had no idea. Until the day that the dog jumped over the fence into our garden. The cats were having none of this one. Minnie did a dying swan routine in the middle of the garden, so the dog takes off after her. Meanwhile, there's no sign of Lottie. I was outside watching this, thinking 'Odd... No Lottie." Two laps of the garden, Minnie goes past a tree. The one Lottie was hiding in. Lottie does a Para-style flying leap onto the dog's neck, and manages a perfect 5-point landing. The dog howls in panic. Minnie spins around and bundles in too. One absolutely *massive* pasting later, the dog tries to make a break for it. But our garden is lower, and he can't get back over the fence... We go round next door and ask them to come rescue the dog.

Stupid dog did this twice more. Then one day, both cats come in, dragging their bellies behind them, both wearing big grins. They flop down on a bed somewhere. Next door starts putting up posters about a missing dog. WTF? Our cats *ate* an Alsatian? Seems so.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 10:21, Reply)