Proudest Moments
Those moments when you're top of the world. When you're the greatest man or woman ever to have lived. Those moments of total achievement or accomplishment. Those unbeatable feelings of success and pride. Tell us the stories that would go on your life's resume before you handed it in to St Peter. There'd probably also be a few poo jokes.
( Milkman Dan, Sun 5 Mar 2006, 2:04, Reply)

This one HAS to be done
Practical jokes that backfired, or set-ups gone completely wrong.

Once my mate, aged 12, set up the old bucket-filled-with-water-resting-on-the-doorframe-hilarity-ensues chestnut. He did it in the kitchen so it wouldn't soak through a carpet, instead landing on that greasy lino rubbish everyone's had at some time or another (at least up here in the North, none of that posh muck) only for it to knock his older brother clean out with the metal bucket, soaking him on his descent, and covering the kitchen floor. His dad, hearing the commotion, runs in, slips arse over tit and also knocks himself out cold.

Grounded during all three months of summer must be pretty harsh.
( TGP on the rock 'n' roll, Sat 4 Mar 2006, 15:28, Reply)

Excessive use of law enforcement
what with the £53Million heist an all the Sweeney type shoot outs going on e.t.c. lately i'm reminded of a Swat Raid i witnessed in Miami a few years back when doing the tourist thing.

Was stuck slap bang in the middle of what seemed like a Hollywood film, with a shootout on the verge of a freeway outta some shitty suburb i was stuck on in a rental lincoln.

Bloody Swat coming outta no where shooting at some cars in the distance. Bloody yank went loopy when i pointed a camera at him, fortunately he forgot about me an i drove off when i could.

anyone else been caught up in a situation may be a bit excessive?
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Sat 4 Mar 2006, 13:06, Reply)

a guaranteed winner here.....
absolute cunts you have worked with/for

everyone has worked with a complete arse.
(discodaz *generic witty comment*, Fri 3 Mar 2006, 0:44, Reply)

How about "What's the best story you've got into the newspaper?
We and our friends (who live in Richmond, Surrey)once got ongoing answers (some which we of course supplied) for a few weeks on the letters page of the Richmond Times - all concerning how to stop cats defecating (shittin') in your garden. They even printed our advice of planting spring onions around the fence to stop cats jumping into the garden!

Only got found out because we'd made up a spoof name (Dorothy O'Grady) but had given the real street name and a neighbour came up to our friends saying - "It was you, wasn't it!"

(Well everyone else in the road were 60+ and we were 20 something)

Still got the clippings as proof.
(lozzzz, Thu 2 Mar 2006, 19:30, Reply)

Don't talk to strangers.
Tell us your favourite random conversations.

Maybe it's the old dear on the bus telling you about her recently collapsed anus.

Maybe it's that taxi-driver who talked about his F*ckin elvis collection for the three hour journey.

What about that nutter who's mistaken you for the guy who slept with his daughter?
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 2 Mar 2006, 14:51, Reply)

How about best nicknames you've heard?
In my brothers work there is a guy called wedge, because the longer he goes on the thicker he gets. Theres another bloke there called Balloon, because he repeatedly uses the phrase 'don't let me down boys'. Also in school, particularly rotund boy was known as Ballon Plage.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Thu 2 Mar 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Once on a drunken taxi ride...
...I asked the cabby if the local population worried about the near-by Nuclear power plant throwing a leak and giving them 3 eyed babies...this was, of course, before I noticed his "Jeremy Beadle" type hand.....how about a QOTW about the infamous "Foot-in-mouth" disease?
(smirker neverletmetellyabouttheraggamuffinbiznessandting!, Thu 2 Mar 2006, 11:33, Reply)

Romantic gestures
During the whole anthrax episode about 3/4 years ago, I thought it would be a nice romantic gesture to post some Love Heart sweets to my then girlfriend. So I popped them in the envelope and sent them away thinking nothing of it.

A few days later I saw a story on the news about an envelope which had caused the closure of several sorting offices in Wales. Everybody who may have dealt with the envelope was tested for anthrax and the places concerned were closed for forensics. The sample later turned out to be Love Heart sweets which had powderised in transit.

What romantic gestures have gone horribly wrong for you?
(aarghapanda, Thu 2 Mar 2006, 0:00, Reply)

What's the most outrageous lie you were told as a youngster?
There was always someone in the class who just couldn't help lying to make themself appear more interesting. And they probably believed it themselves.

Maybe you were the classroom 'Billy Liar', so come on, what's the worst porkie you've heard or told? Bonus points if caught out to embarassing consequences.
(Green-Alsatian, Wed 1 Mar 2006, 20:42, Reply)

Best excuse you've come up with when throwing a sickie...
Pretty self explanatory I think...
( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 1 Mar 2006, 15:48, Reply)

Schools again...
... I reckon a question on your worst/best run ins with teachers would be a good one... I once had a letter sent home to my parents because I asked a teacher about her sex life. "Did your parents get the letter?" This teacher screamed at me. "yes they did, miss" "And what did they say??" She spat (literally) at me. "They thought it was hilarious, miss." *silence*....
(jiggling_john Heres a fiver, you lads get yourself some chippies, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 23:25, Reply)

Silly Excuses
I was recently left by my girlfriend for a tesco employee with the excuse that they get "better pay" and so "makes more sense". What"s the worst excuse youve ever had?
( Wingnutt razzle dazzle my fantasmagazzle, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 20:57, Reply)

Whats the best thing you have ever eaten?
We've had terrible food, now why not delve into the world of the tastiest grub
( betascoo8, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 13:28, Reply)

Bold as Brass
I had a fit young bloke ask me for $2 to buy a meal in the city, and when I handed a $2 coin to him, he said "How about another three so I can get a burger?" I had to laugh, and he got his lunch. Who is the boldest person who has made you go along with their request?
( Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 9:15, Reply)

School freaks
Going to school in deepest darkest Devon, my school had its fair share of freaks but the best was Stinky Jenkins. He would regelarly poo in his pants for a laugh and I once saw him sneeze the biggest load of snot onto a table and then lick it all off.

Tell us about the freaks at your school.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 19:20, Reply)

Who have you shut up?
I shut Maggie up - well almost!

About 1972 I pulled the microphone lead out of the amp when Maggie was speaking at the far end of the swimming pool at a private garden party in Highgate (in her constituency) where I was helping a mate and his Dad run the bar.

Bugger me she tapped the microphone a couple of times, ignored it and raised her voice so it made no difference!

On reflection I should have given the lead a yank so she fell in while live!

Well she'll soon be dead anyway ...


... mind you haven't heard about her for a while?
(lozzzz, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 21:59, Reply)

When the earth should swallow you up.
Or the art of putting both feet in your mouth.

When I was a young lad, I worked at McDonalds for a day installing a fire alarm. I'd never worked with the bloke I was assisting before and the first thing I noticed was that he had a glass eye. I pretended not to notice and decided not to mention it.

When lunch arrived he asked if I wanted anything from the 'restaurant'. I politely declined as I'd had the foresight to bring some sandwiches. When he returned to the van, he moaned about how much he had just spent for the meagre amount of food in front of him.

Without thinking I retorted; I'm not surprised mate. They have your fucking eyes out in there.
Lunch, and the remainder of the working day, was spent with an eerie awkward silence hanging in the air!
(G P Enius & Eureka! Lottovitt Not to be sniffed at!, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 21:50, Reply)

Epiphanies
Have you ever had a moment of sudden, deep and overwhelming understanding....when the light shone, angels sang, and you knew that you would never be the same again?

Tell us about your epiphany.
(arvana, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 5:08, Reply)

here piggy piggy
what incidents hve you had with the police
(dude2, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 15:14, Reply)

Get a job!
What's your funniest busking/begging story?
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 10:55, Reply)

Your Life Motto
My life motto is "At the end of the day, it's just another infection."

What's yours and why?
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 20:56, Reply)

Worst fast-food experience/story.
A friend of mine once worked in MacDonalds. One day he spunked in a burger and served it. However, another employee went one better and spunked in a jar of mayonnaise, achieving much more length.

Has anyone else been the victim of/perpetrated such fast-food stories?
( Watney Heckbulb uhnnnnnnnn has a new blog: www.skepticcanary.com, Thu 23 Feb 2006, 22:55, Reply)

Famous people out of place
Ever seen a famous person somewhere you wouldn't expect them to be? I saw Neil Buchanon (from Art Attack!!) in Guitar, Amp and Keyboard in Brghton, playing a white fender. Prat.
(Strangemiester, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 16:52, Reply)

funny racism (stupid and non-violent)
Recently a friend of mine was part of a school exchange programme with Thailand. The first night they were there there was an entertainment thing when the Brits and Thailandians were meant to show off how cool their cultures were. The British students sung a half-arsed version of Let It Be, the organisers stopped the music after the second verse I think. Then the Thai students put on a play about white people being evil whores. Some of them put on white masks with Caucasian features and exaggerated make-up, then maskless Thai students stabbed them and cheered. The Britishers watching weren't actually threatened physically or verbally, they were treated fine, someone just thought this was the best way to entertain them. To be fair the person in question and me agree that it's funny as fuck.

Does anyone else have any good stories about racism so ridiculous (and not connected to actual abuse) that it's comical? Will settle for interesting stories about the black and white minstrels. Or the sitcom "Heil Honey I'm Home", which was cancelled after one episode. Stuff like that.

Actually to be honest I just felt like sharing that story, so fuck it.
(Cap'n, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 16:49, Reply)

the dark
something that happened because teh lightes were out
(17,000, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 15:39, Reply)

sex injury?
Have you ever had a sex injury or given one to ones mrs, chuff damage perhapse?

Fallen off the bed and cracked your nut sack? Split your foreskin?

Dont forgett the details.
(ruud316, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 15:24, Reply)

Where there's blame, there's a claim
Without sounding too much like that jowly twat off 'o' that advert;

"Have you ever been injured, and it wasn't your fault?"

In other words, have you ever physically fallen foul of someone else's stupidity?
( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 15:04, Reply)

Misunderstood lyrics
My mother once heard the lyrics "heard it in a love song/can't be wrong" as "early in the morning/ten feet long".

Any other tales of misunderstood song lyrics?
(I bape rabies Let's go get Chick-fi-A!, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 2:07, Reply)

spooky houses
anyone got ghosties running around your flat?
(karlg.dj maker of dance moosic, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 1:05, Reply)