Generic
X saw Y fall over and Y got hurt and X laughed.

Tell me another one.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 16:28, 7 replies)

My mate was driving us back from Aviemore a few months ago. We were heading down whichever bloody road, doing a solid 80mph or so, not exactly grandma driving. This isn't good enough for the white van behind us, so he tailgates us solidly for a while, flashing his lights, until she pulls into the other lane to let him get through. A few miles down the road we hit really heavy rain, so everyone has slowed down considerably. Who do we see but Mr Van Man... with his white van halfway up the embankment. He had gone through the barrier and his van was almost vertical on the grass. He was out talking on his mobile phone and looked ok, and he hadn't hit anybody else, so nobody was hurt. We were laughing about that one for weeks, serves him right!
(Twinx, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 16:22, Reply)

That's just not cricket...
The Oval, England versus South Africa ODI, 2008.

I’d popped out of the seating area of the ground to have a crafty fag. For those of you who have never sampled the delights of the Oval, there’s an area around the outside of the seated part with bars and food carts and a place for us social lepers to congregate. It’s become popular in recent years for there to be on sale, not just warm, weak lager and slightly cheesy real ale, but Pimms and, if you’re lucky, champagne. On this occasion, there was a Veuve Clicquot tent, where you could purchase a delicious bottle of fizzy tea for a mere £55 pounds. However, you can’t take glass into the stands, so you have to buy a plastic Veuve decanter for £20, which is fully refundable at the end of the day.

While smoking and made idle chat with some other patrons, two pin-striped, floppy fringed, braying Tarquins staggered out of the champagne bar carrying their expensive carbonated grape product. They were talking VERY loudly about how they were planning to spend the whole day buying bottle upon bottle of champers and that was simply the only way to watch the game and anyone who didn’t do this was, quite frankly, a pleb. They placed the decanter on the floor, lit a cigar each…

…at which point, one of them accidentally kicked over the decanter and spilled the champagne everywhere. Which was funny. What was even funnier, however, was the other, on realising what had happened, trying to use his less than cat-like reflexes to right the decanter, stumbled and stood on it, sending it shattering into a thousand tiny plastic shards. He topped this by dropping his lit cigar onto his suit in shock, where it promptly burnt a hole in his collar.

The assembled crowd, South African and English alike, laughed until the tears ran down our legs. For a moment, despite the battle happening on the pitch we were united with a common goal, mocking stupid posh people.

Then I went and sat down and watched us give the Saffers a hearty spanking. Doesn’t get much better than that.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 16:19, 4 replies)

We used to keep chickens.
They hatched a brood of chicks - all little yellow fluffy things, and one black one, which was always the last at everything, being the chick equivalent of the fat kid with the one permanently blocked nostril and the other always running, that gets picked last for everything, and then only because they've got to be picked to even up the sides.

I went to feed the chicks one day, and replinished their water. They raced towards the plastic dish that served as their bowl, squeaking and bleeping with delight, and the black one was, for the first time in his life, at the head of the pack. As he got to the bowl in his excitement he stamped his big flat foot on the edge of the dish, thus spanging himself as hard as possible right in the face while drenching himself and all the others with water and destroying their water supply.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 16:12, 6 replies)

Well, I guess I was about 14 at the time...
...but even now I haven't grown out of laughing at others' misfortune. I play the trumpet, and our band had been invited to play at the Hexagon in Reading. It's not massive, but I believe it has about 1,000 seats with a couple of floors etc. We were playing the second half, and were all suited ready to play, but to be polite we were asked to sit behind the band playing the first half and watch - meaning that we were facing the audience and were in full view.
The lights went down. The conductor raised his baton. Just as they were about to play a door opened in the top right hand corner of the balcony, casting a shaft of light across the audience and onto the conductor, all of whom stopped and looked over, to see an frail looking woman well over 80 years old. As she stepped into the darkness, she lost her footing and stacked it down three flights of stairs head first; ending up as a crumpled heap at the bottom of the balcony. The audience gasped and several people ran to help her. They had to call an ambulance and everything. I on the other hand had my head between my knees, crying with (silent) laughter the whole first half. I thought I was going to be sick.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 16:00, 1 reply)

Picklatorofdeath reminds me.
Also in Manchester, whilest on the bus and watching some young hooded chav on a bike, showing off with his bike skillz as he rounds a corner and hitting a large stone and toppling head over handlebars onto the road.

Followed my muffled tittering on the bus by old ladies.
( girlinthehole, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:59, Reply)

Slightly mad woman
A while ago one afternoon at work, I bumped into one of the keepers, Jamie, out and about with Max the owl who informed me there was some nutter about who had earlier demanded he ask some visitors to stop taking pictures of the animals, because of something to do with 'their souls' or something. We laughed and chatted about other stuff. Later I was heading home via the East Service gate where I pack up my photo gear when I noticed two cops and the head of Zoo security having an obviously quite intense conversation with a man and a woman. The woman was in a right state, hysterical and emotional. Apparently, after they had earlier left Jamie they carried on with their slightly odd antics, shouting at other visitors with cameras until they were reported to zoo security, who subsequently phoned the police.

Anyway, as the cops were asking her to calm down, and things like "then why are you here?", the usual bit of scuffling broke out when she was gestured towards the exit, and the usual complaints of Police brutality as someone being unreasonable not doing something they have been asked to (leave).

There's a barrier at the east service gate which was lowered. The bloke said something defiant to the police and attempted to vault it, landing flat on his face. It was about the most hilarious thing I have seen at work, given the situation, and I immediately burst out into laughter, along side the gatekeeper standing next to me. I could see the two cop's agonized facial expressions as they tried to contain their mirth as well.



Click for bigger (284 kb)

( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:58, Reply)

I have never, never laughed so hard
I was walking home from shop when I saw my mate cycle past. I shouted and he looked round to see who it was. However, whilst he was doing that, a car just ahead of him had stopped at a crossing. My mate, who was going a fair speed hit the back of the car and his bike stopped dead. He didn't however, and the momentum carried him over the handlebars and onto the roof of the car. He would've most likely glided right over the car to land on the road at the other side if the car aerial hadn't snagged on his jogging bottoms, which caused him to slide out of them.

Now, the occupants of the car had spun round to see what the bang was and then turned back around in time to watch my mate slide down the windscreen minus his trousers with his bare genitals pressed against the glass and being stretched out, doing a fine impression of Deirdre's neck (from Coronation Street), finally coming to a halt, face first, with his chin resting on the car bonnet in a very awkward upside down position.

He thrashed about a bit trying to get down, and resigned to pulling his legs out of his trousers completely, whereby he rolled rather gracelessly off the side of the car bonnet and onto the pavement. He picked himself up and in front of a small crowd, stretched up to retrieve his jogging bottoms from the top of the car, giving him the opportunity to press his bollocks against the passenger-side window this time.

I laughed so much I started getting a bit light-headed and had to sit down, and for the next three days my sides ached as if I'd been beaten up.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:56, 31 replies)

Annoying spoilt little bastard
When I was a kid, there was a younger boy who lived in the close.

He was a spoilt little fuckwit with no friends and an annoying freckly face. He took great pleasure coming up to us smirking, and showing us his latest toy that his mummy had bought him, with a "look what Iiiiiiiiiiiiii've got."

His mother would also send him out into the close with his dinner, when they had fish and chips, and he would stand near us and eat with delight. His mother would often say "Don't you give any of that food away to that lot" and he would smirk and poke his tounge out. As if our mothers never fed us for fuck sake.

Annoying little cuntflap.

Anyway, one day we were playing football 'dahn the garages' (garages en block) when he comes along and stands near the wall at the end of the block and does his "look what Iiiiiiiiiiiiii've got."

He produced a small rubber ball, about the size of a small orange. It was one of those ultra bouncy fuckers that you used to get.

"So?" says we, adn continued to play.

Failed in his attempt to make us jealous, he then starts to disrupt the game by getting in the way and bouncing his ball up and down.

"Fuck off you annoying little twat" was met with "No. I'm allowed to play here, and these are MY garages cos my garage is here"

As if to stake his claim, annoying spoilt little bastard throws his ball hard against the floor near the wall, and the ball bounced against the floor, off the wall, and hard and fast into annoying spoilt little bastard's eye.

Oh how we laughed as he ran off screaming for his mummy.

I can't remember a time since where I have laughed so hard.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:36, Reply)

yesterday
when I was out christmas shopping a rather top heavy (in a bad sort of way) lady slipped on the way out of the bakers with a punnet of chips in one hand and a bag of pasty in the other.As she dived she grabbed my ankle and squawked like a chicken.
My two sons and I had to walk away to a discreet distance so we could laugh. As my youngest pointed out, she'd favoured her chips over her face by holding them up so they didn't spill. Or maybe she was used to her tummy protecting her face when she fell.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:36, Reply)

A while ago, when I was on a bus...
I saw a young gentleman swinging with gay, reckless abandon on a gate outside the Costume Museum, Wilmslow Road in Manchester. His beaming visage a picture of the mighty invincibility that only comes from the knowledge that you, a 10 yr-old boy, are not only fucking nails, but also WAAAAA-AAAAY COOL.

He fell mid-swing, his schoolbag linking onto the gate so that not only did he fall headfirst onto the ground, smacking face-first into the dirt, he continued to swing across at the same time, scraping said face againt the floor. When he looked up, his once proud pomp was a mess of gravel, tears and snot, and his bag was wrapped round his head like a shiny Nike turban full of pencils. He was utter vanquished, safe now in the knowledge that he would die, stinking and alone, cursing the very day he mounted that gate.

Thankfully the bus was full of schoolchildren at the time, so my shrieking 'AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYADICK'EAD!' with accompanying window-banging was pretty much par for the course. I was 24.
(Gertcha_cowson NAH MATE, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:35, 3 replies)

Twat-Student Mastercard.
Rage Against the Machine Hoodie. £20

'Windbreaker' Baggy Jeans. £25

Blonde Tipped Trustafarian Deadlock Haircut. Probably £50, looks like he slept in a ditch...

Goatee Beard. £1 on disposable razor from Poundland

Many Festival Beads and Weekend Wristbands accumlated over 3 years of being a professional bum. £300 spent on festivals, £200 saved on shower gel.

Ironic Top Hat. £10 from oxfam?

Pretentious and utterly fuckerly dull conversation about how much weed you smoked last night and how anyone who doesn't smoke just wouldn't 'get that album' with similarly attired study-buddy. I'd pay you £10 to shut up.

Running onto the train at the last second, after you didn't notice its arrival due to being so engrossed in aforementioned conversation, thus smashing shin into train, then tripping over your massive jeans - on to the train and falling flat on your face in front of a full carriage of people. Top Hat - ruined, Jeans - ripped, Beads - scattered, Pride - gone.

Priceless. I almost built a six pack from laughing so hard.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:28, 1 reply)

Kick like a horse
wehttam"snow"man just reminded me of a story...

When I was a wee young Leftovercrack (about 12or13) i was in the local park playing football with a couple of mates I belive there where 3 of us, Graham, Martyn and me. My friend Graham was goalies (playing the ole "two n in"). Now this park was an amaing place the goal was basically a metal frame, two uprights and a crossbar.

Back to the story, I shot from about 15yds or so out, hard as I could for a 12/13 yr old and the hard leather ball slammed the crossbar and into a hedge. Now, while Graham turned around to see where the ball had gone the crappy goalframe which wasnt very sturdy in the first place had started to fall forward, Martyn shouts "Graham! Watch out for the...." Graham lloks up and the crossbar cracks him on top of the head, and he crumples like a paper cup. I at this point an knelt on the floor with tears streaming down my face with laughter whilst Martyn is flapping around screaming "Oh my god! Grahams dead, grahams dead!". Graham is laying on the floor out cold, I have to contain myself and run to the nearest house to phone for an ambulance (before mobile phones were "in"). Ambulance comes, Grahm has mild concussion so all was well.

What made this even funnier is that his dad picked us up from the park and he had to pull over by the side of the road because when I filled him in on why Graham had a lump the size of a tennis ball on his head, he burst out laughing, for a good 5 solid minutes. Grahams mum? Not so pleased.

Maybe you had to be there to find it funny, but at the time it was fucking hilarious. Also, I saw Graham a few weeks ago, he is now married, I told this story to him and his wife, he had "forgotten", and she laughed hysterically in the middle of town.

Length? About the size of a tennis ball.
(waterbottle, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:18, 5 replies)

I'm not sure how she did it
I was on the bus into town recently and a woman got on a few stops after I did. She was swearing away to herself and holding her head. My first thought was that she was mental, and possibly schizophrenic. She sat down, and carried on swearing and holding her head.

After a few minutes, the bus stopped again for more passengers. After they got on, the driver got up and adjusted the left-hand mirror at which point it became clear that the sweary lady had belted her head on it getting onto the bus. I struggled so hard to contain my laughter and unconvincingly covered it with a pretend coughing fit.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:09, 4 replies)

Walking the dogs down a country lane..
and a 50 something year old woman was gingerly riding her bicycle (obviously hadn't ridden in a while..ooh matron) when her mobile phone started ringing. She managed to answer it.. and then rode head first into the hedge.

ROFL. Bloody brilliant to watch.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:07, Reply)

My sister, the day she got her GCSE results.
She'd collected her results and was more than a little pleased over the results. As she was walking away from the school she noticed a friend on the other side of the road, seeming to be equally pleased over her academic archivements.

They waved and shouted to each other across the road and, when it was clear, both ran into the road to join the other on her side. (miscommunication, each thought the other said "come here")

The end result was quite funny. They managed to meet in the middle of the road while running at full pelt. They didn;t jsut meet, they collided adn ended up in a heap in the middle of the road.

I found it quite amusing. Karma got revenge though. We went to Reading Festival the enxt day and it turned out my sister had fractured her arm. Guess who had to carry all the tents and stuff? (and one of my boot's sole came off on the 2nd day)
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 14:26, Reply)

I helplessly watched as two blind men wielding white canes
walked smack bang into each other, both ending up on their arse. They simultaneously blustered, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BLIND??!!"
(twattybanjo, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 14:26, 6 replies)

SPAIN-2006
Me and my now ex (who has put on a lot of weight which also makes me laugh) were on Hols in Costa-something-or-other with a group of our pals, and one evening we were making our way down the street towards our fave bar when we see a Spanish teenager come by on his funky moped (Hi there, Carrott fans!).
The street was parallel with the beach, so it was packed with youngsters out on the lash, in their respective glad rags, and a group of young ladies clearly grabbed his attention, so he went past, then did a youee and came back past us, and really ogled these girls like they were meat in a butchers window. After a good eyeful, and a Spanish leer, he revved hard, and sped off like a very fast Spanish prick (excellent similie, A+) and continued to stare, hard, over his shoulder at these girls, who were mightily unimpressed. The road curved to the left after about a hundred yards, and was marked off with traffic cones/barriers and a strip of blue and white tape ( a bit like police crime scene marker tape) and he zoomed full ball into this pile of builders detritus, and the tape made him stop dead,(neck height, AHAHAHAHAHAHA) as his bike carried on and fell into a large hole. It really was like a cartoon for a moment. He landed on his back (luckily he had a helmet on) and his cries of anguish only fuelled my amusement.
A good hundred mostly English holiday makers laughed hard; even when it became apparent that he had broken his shoulder, as well as his hairdryer on wheels.
Length? a hundred yards, minus the five or so when pinged backwards by tape.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 14:25, 2 replies)

pearoast but its a good one

www.b3ta.com/questions/neighbours/post533594


im laughing now just thinking about his rage at our mirthful faces helping out of the bin
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 14:11, 7 replies)

ice and ducks don't mix
I went to a college at durham that had a big duck pond. These ducks ruled the place, quacking loudly outside your window whenever you had a hangover and squitting green shit everywhere. However, Winters in the north east are harsh and the duck pond regularly froze over. Many a pleasant morning was sat in the dinner hall watching the ducks falling over as they tried to waddle across the ice, crashing through the ice as they swam up to the edge of the ice and tried to jump up on to it and the best was watching them land when they werent expecting it to be frozen and sliding 20 metres in a mad panic of flapping and quacking!
(bryo, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:58, 4 replies)

Motorcyclist laughs...
Driving along a road in Lincolnshire a motorcyclist roared past me on double white lines on a blind bend and flipped me the finger !! probably because it was a Sunday I had two kids in the CRV and I was doing the speedlimit of 60.

I thought I hope he fucking crashes. Well he didn't on that bend but two miles late there he was sitting at the side of the road, his bike in a hedge whilst a pretty badly scrached car's driver was next to him on his mobile phone.

I still to this day don't know why he flipped me the bird but I had a massive fucking grin on my face when I flipped him one back... as I slowly drove past the cunt.
(Doogie Talons, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:53, 17 replies)

i think this probably counts.....
not totally sure about posting this one, but hey ho.

*EDIT* Decided to do a bit of an intro....

I have the misfortune to have had my of moment of spackiness captured on video. Yay. It's been described as "like watching a disabled person falling out of a wheelchair".

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eo3V4DucQug

there may have been booze involved.....

Length? Well, I was going for height, actually
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:47, 7 replies)

It goes both ways really.
Many moons ago I was cycling down the hill back towards my parents' house. It was a lovely hot summers day so i was in shorts and a t-shirt. this being the early 90s there was none of the cycle helment nonsense as the general (stupid) consensus was that you looked a bit of a helmet wearing one.

I'm going along at a fair old lick on my crappy Apollo Holford's special when the door of a convertible car swings open right in front of me. Bike goes crashing into door, I go sailing over door. Thankfully the tarmac was there to cushion my fall giving me some nice big burny cuts on my elbow, hip, knee and pride.

I stood up a bit dazed and went back to pick up my bike to find the woman from the car failing to stifle a laugh.

I looked at her, looked at her now rather bent door, failed to stifle my own laugh and cycled off happy in the knowledge that cuts scab over in a day or so, but no claims bonuses take a good five years to heal properly.
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:45, 5 replies)

Football
Playing football in the park with a group of mates and the ball came in my direction. I was close enough to goal for it to be worth a long range shot so I hammered the ball as hard as I could in the direction of the goal trying to keep it as low as possible.

As I did this my mate, lets call him Josh (for that was his name), was charging at me trying to close me down. The ball hit the floor about 5 yards in front of him and he jumped to try and block it. However it bounced up a bit at caught him full on, like a boxer’s uppercut, right in the knackers. He went down like a sack of spuds and had to be carried off in severe pain. Took him about 20 mins to recover, but how we laughed.

Nothing is quite as funny as seeing someone get hit in the balls.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:38, 2 replies)

Don't stand so close to me...
This one gets brought up nearly every time my friend and I are together

We were about 15/16 years, on school playing fields, just passing the time by knocking some golf balls around with a couple of clubs i'd borrowed from an uncle.

I've placed the ball on the tee (very posh like) and then noticed my friend (let's call him Paul, for that was his name yada-yada) was stood a bit too close. I told him to move away a bit (that's the bit we argue about) and then proceeded to swing away.

Unknown to me, Paul had been distracted by another friend approaching us on his bike. Thus, my follow through (from a great golf shot i hasten to add) hit him clean on the head.

Claret soon appeared. We managed to walk home and he received 5 stitches for his trouble.

Oh, how i laughed - and still am!


Length. About 200 feet
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:37, Reply)

Brakes
Having had my brakes fail on the first day of senior school so that I cycled straight into the back of the school bus and slid cartoon style down the rear window I feel I earned the right to laugh...

There's what used to be called 'the Dell' where I live, and quite probably still is; as teenagers we used to cycle down the steep bits and jump off the hillocks, showing off trying to impress the girls or just mucking about if there weren't any there. When the girls were around and we were doing well, this would be augmented by giving them backies on our bikes.

This particular time, my friend had bought new farmer Giles tyres for his bike, and was showing off there chunkyness by giving a ride to a girl we knew. On hitting a bump, said girl not only slid off the saddle, but snapped the brakes and straddled the back tyre using her own particular brand of brake pads. Apparently this hurts a lot, and whilst we were all concerned she was ok as we sat her gingerly on the park bench, we walked in circles round it so we could cry with laughter behind her back.....
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:34, 1 reply)

This complete ball pouch
that I hated at school (due to his continuous attempts to drown me during swimming at school) went to Eton to do his A-levels. While he was there he took photos of a certain prince's room and tried to flog them to the tabloids (while the papers had an agreement to leave the kids alone). One of the papers reported it back to the school and he got kicked out of Eton and barred from every university in the UK... when I heard this, I laughed and laughed like a maniac


But then I put a stanley knife through my thumb as I was laughing so hard... kind of karmic retribution for laughing at his self induced misfortune I suppose.
( hygor gyrates with animatronic emptyness, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:29, Reply)

Its true..
The best things in life are free :)

Best of which are people falling over (judge me if you wish, an old lady to a young sprog, any falling over will be laughed upon)

First that jumps to mind however I was at bus station in 'trampton, few people there of course, and saw an old school friend with a mate of mine.

Bus pulls up and little old lady goes to get on first. I'm still not sure how she pulled it off, but as she was stepping on to the bus she got her foot under the step instead of on it.....

she doesn't realise this and proceeds to push her body weight forwards, then as if I slowed down time itself, she fell to the right without even trying to stop her self...big splat

I nearly haemorrhage by laughing so hard, and a black woman walks over to us and shouts at us to pick her up (walking past her to get to us mind), I can barely stand let alone help the injured, so me old mate has to help this poor soul up and on too the bus.

About five years ago that was, i still piss myself when I think of it again :D:D
(Dragonpity, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:27, Reply)

nose hair and groin pain
my boyfriend of the time had a really long nose hair sticking out which i noticed when i glanced to him while driving.

so without thinking, i yanked it out!

apparently this hurts alot!! the boyfriend cried!!!! and i had to pull the car over as i was laughing so much!

I also accidently knee'd another b/f in the misters when i sneezed! - apparently this hurts alot too! ooops!
(piggietress, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:20, 6 replies)

The 1p club
I find that the vile TV show Deal Or No Deal can in fact be an enjoyable viewing experience if you want the contestant to walk away with as little money as possible. Actually, I'd quite like to be part of the studio audience, cheering and booing in all the wrong places, all the while wearing a "Shatner's Bassoon" tee shirt.
(Haywood Manley, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:16, 3 replies)