School Cred ruined.
First year. The years idiot/prick was picking on one of my mates. I decided to stand in for said mate and what ensued was a few days of the prick throwing insults and basically being a dick. After a time this became tiresome so I ended up in a fight that landed us in the principles office.

We were both handed a weeks suspension. I panicked and blubbed to our year head how I didn't want to let the year down and that I had acted terribly etc...

When I actually left the office to get my bags and stuff from the office I was greeted with sympathy and praise from my fellow students for standing up for myself and my mate. As I said the guy was loathed for making others life a misery. I was a hero, which probably didn't suit for a guy starting fights.

My fame and glory apparently lasted a week until Friday assembly, whereupon the year-head spilled my pleas of not wanting to make a bad impression of the year and the fact that both me and said arse had roared crying when we had been informed of out suspension. This effectively ruined any credits I had gained and reduced my nickname to crybaby. Well played.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:57, 1 reply)

Or the time.........
.........when two 4 year olds had a full scale brawl in the aisle over who should hold the stuffed camel. we had all the parents in for that one. Classy!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:55, Reply)

Then there was the time.........
..........during his Expect the Unexpected assembly when the vicar turned round with a huge pair of scissors and cut off my tie.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:53, Reply)

A Tin of Chappie..........
Twice a year I used to take the whole school to our local village church for assembly. It was usually the doddery old vicar's Sunday Sermon read slightly slower, and as boring as hell.

Our new vicar was younger, with children, and a top bloke. He had all of Elvis Costello's stuff on vinyl for a start!

So there we were, sat in the pews, when he starts his talk, pulling out a tin of Chappie, and talking about caring for our pets, different foods, love and affection, etc etc, and I'm thinking, heigh ho, nice visual aid, when he pulls out a tinopener and proceeds to open the can.

Bottoms start to shuffle a little in the pews as he opens the tin.

All food is nutritious, he says, it doesn't matter what it looks like, or tastes like. Would anybody like to try some?

Cue 183 remarks in the vein of euch, ergh, pooey etc and one young chap heading earnestly to the altar.

I'm sat at the back thinking, no, he'll stop when the child gets near.

Out comes the spoon, and a dollop of dog food, chunks and all, slurps out of the tin.

Vicar tells the lad to hold his nose, close his eyes and trust in the Lord as he feeds him the dogfood.

By now I'm envisioning the headlines in The Sun, and the children are nearly hysterical. I'm doing that Peter Kay fast-walk-I'm-not=running-but-I'm-panicking movement down the aisle when the dogfood gets deposited in his mouth, he chews and swallows.

I stopped in abject horror, wondering what the hell I'm going to tell the lad's mum.

Turns out he'd carefully removed the base of the tin, emptied it and refilled it with a mixture of Angel Delight and Mars Bar chunks, and that the lad was in on the whole thing.

I think he said a prayer later for all the evil words I was thinking.




(there's a few more like this)
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:49, 12 replies)

I Am A Former Mad Headteacher......
....and if we don't get some funny stories you'll all be sat in here during playtime!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:25, 8 replies)

Remember that one
where everyone had to stand up in rows, while Luke, Han and Chewie got medals from a beaming Carrie Fisher?
(username failed moderation, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:19, 1 reply)

Last day of school.
Not an assembly story, but a school story nevertheless. We were in 5th year. It was the last day of school for most of my class, but some of us were staying on and going into 6th form. Our R.E. teacher, Mr. Baynton, decided he wanted to impart some words of wisdom before the class broke up for the last time. What he said was not what I expected to hear, but it stuck in my brain and is still with me today, some 34 years later. What he shared with us was this: The world doesn't owe you a living. He was right.
(Woofie, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 17:15, 1 reply)

At my primary school we had to sing hymns in assembly.
For some bizarre reason, included among the religiosities were occasional things like "The Super-Supper March".
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:53, Reply)

The jaw bone's connected to the head bone.
That's about it really.
( Muns, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:49, Reply)

I dont have one overriding memory of school assemblies
just disconnected happenings from 14 or so years of education. Getting slapped on the hands in infant school for fidgeting during the lords prayer, trying to hold in farts that were blatantly going to be audible if you were sitting cross legged on the junior school hall floor. being pulled back in at lunch because we didnt show enough fucking enthusiasm with the fucking hymns in secondary school.

And purposely stacking the seats too high after assembly so fifteen mins or so later, the whole of the old school block reverberated to the sound of plastic seating falling on wood flooring.

never understood the point of hymns at assmebly. give me joy in my heart keep me grinning? do fuck off.
(magictorch, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:35, 3 replies)

Oh this is going back some time
We were all called to our national school hall for some very important bullcrap that us as 8 year olds could not give the slightest of fucks for. Everyone looking ahead as the principal waffled on and on, and then he paused.

It was at this moment that whatever was sitting in my bowels decided to make itself heard and the wettest sloppiest pfffffffffffffffffffffffftTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT seeped out of my rear. Every single kid and teacher heard it. Silent but deadly? Nope, it was like a thunder clap.

The teachers bit their lips, the kids however couldn't and once one started giggling it just kept spreading till eventually everyone was pissing themselves*.

To top it all off the enraged principal picked one lad who was a few rows behind and demanded to know what was funny to which he replied, "well sir, its just the fact that someone farted". Cue hysterics from the kids and a fuming principal who could do nothing as technically he was right. Fair play rubber!


*figure of speech
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:26, 1 reply)

When I was at primary school
there was an EMERGENCY ASSEMBLY called one day. The gravity was palpable. What the fuck was going on? Ashen-faced, the headmistress addressed the whole school.

'The caretaker was cleaning the lavatories after morning break today, and in the urinal he found a shoe. And in that shoe.....was......A POO!!!!!'

at which point total fucking pandemonium broke out - a mixture of kids practically fainting from laughter, followed by a mass inspection to see if there was a boy wearing just one shoe. Best day ever, even better than when Colin Carter guffed and shat himself in assembly and ran out crying.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:19, 10 replies)

Something about sheds
Because that's really funny and the joke has in no way worn out.
(rampants, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:16, 5 replies)

I didn't listen to assemblies
I just leched over all the attractive girls in the other classes

.. ah memories
( g0atchild Is back and has been away since, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:14, 3 replies)

Nothing exciting happened in our school assemblies.
assemblies were sitting down and then staring at the stage where a dullard teacher would tell us some modern parable and then we all left to go to lessons the loudest noise being the zipping up of Parker Snorkels. No singing, no presentations from pupils, no choir, no musicians, no sporting achievements, no drama clubs because in our poverty stricken comprehensive there was no interest in anything at all.

My point being that I bet the most interesting school assembly stories come from those people attending public schools or grammar schools in the Home Counties where they had PTAs and after-school clubs and that shit.

Chips, not on both shoulders!
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:10, 3 replies)

We had one teacher who wanted to teach us the importance of taking every opportunity that life throws at you
To do this, he picked the two boys in the school who had recently nearly died, one of a horrible disease, the other in a really nasty car crash, and had them walk up onto the stage to Pearl Jam's "Alive".

It was in slightly poor taste, to say the least.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:08, Reply)

One more word out of you ...
Our School assemblies were bothered once or twice a year by a local vicar who bore an uncanny resemblance to a happy, anger-free Basil Fawlty. He even had a jacket like him. My friends and I struggled keeping straight faces when he was on stage at the best of times, and I used to get the giggles something terrible.

On one terrible occasion he decided to tell the story of the Sermon on the Mount. With our heads bowed, my friend next to me nudged me, and, completely deadpan, muttered,

"Blessed ... are the cheesemakers".

I think I held my breath for nearly two minutes to stop myself screaming with laughter.
( The Vomiting Hitchhiker Mephistopheles is such a mouthful in Manhattan, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:06, 1 reply)

My friend learned in advance he was to be awarded with the school attendance ribbon
Who knew it was even possible to not miss at least one day of school in four years? Anyway, he thought, wouldn't it be ironic to absent himself from the awards ceremony at the school assembly? So, shortly after the assembly began, he quietly got up and shuffled for the exits.

Irony knew no bounds. The administrators had locked the exits.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:04, Reply)

Guest Speaker
When I was about 7, every now and again, a guest speaker would turn up to do a talk in assembly, usually about God or Jesus.

This one day a bloke turns up and greets the room with, "Good Morning, my name is Mr McGuff."

Everyone pissed themselves laughing throughout the entire assembly and to this day I've no idea what the talk was about.
(l0bst3r, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 15:40, Reply)

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 15:24, 35 replies)

My friend Emily was looking at a picture book of farm animals with a young child, and pointed out a donkey.
The child responded

Ahem.

"S'cool ass, Embly."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 14:39, 3 replies)

We once had a lecture about the dangers of sodium
Several weeks before said assembly, one lad in my year had the bright idea of smuggling a fair-sized bar of the stuff out of one of the science labs... and spitting on it. All things considered, he got off fairly lightly - the only lasting damage was him losing the sight in one eye. Any possible brain damage would have been hard to ascertain due to his already well-established lack of intellect.

However, when the time came for him to be dragged up on stage as an example to us all, it seems he hadn't yet got used to his lack of depth perception and tripped on the steps on the way up. Understandably the tone somewhat changed.
(Penguinbert killed Ken Dodd's dad's dog, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 13:40, 10 replies)

When we were at primary school
My friend George was so shy that he would do almost anything to avoid attention. This unfortunately led to a series of disasters because he did silly stuff – most noticeably queuing up for gym class naked because that was somehow preferable, in his mind, to admitting that he’d forgotten his kit.

Anyway. My favourite memory was when he held a fart in for so long in assembly, sitting on the floor as our genteel Scottish headmistress read a bible story, that eventually his fart literally whistled out through clenched buttcheeks, with a sound like a boiling kettle. He was sat there still cross-legged and visibly straining, with a face like an angry Buddha.

It was so weird that even a large group of 5-9 year olds looked on in stunned silence for a moment before collapsing in giggles. George had to go and sit outside the hall.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 13:33, 4 replies)

Assembling my shed was tricky.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 13:11, 16 replies)

Our school had "Quarterly Reports" on progress, in which the best and worst performers were read out to the whole school.
Each subject teacher awarded you a "Plus" if you were doing really well in class and homework and tests, nothing, or a "Minus" if you were being really shit.

Cue one quarter the last announcement being " ... and the boy with the most improved performance this quarter is Vagabond, A, with absolutely nothing at all."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 12:59, Reply)

My form tutor loathed doing assemblies
Every week a different teacher had to do three assemblies to the whole school and when it came to his turn, he asked his pupils to do them instead. I always volunteered, despite the accusations of being "keen" and "swotty" from my classmates. What they didn't know (but what a lad a couple of years above me had tipped me off about) was that he always rewarded whoever did it handsomely with booze.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 12:59, 26 replies)

Third! yay!
These little blue books with bits out the bible in them.
( Alfred Pimble uninspired since, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 12:58, 1 reply)

This became The Oaks High School in Retford.
( Muns, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 12:53, 4 replies)

First
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 12:48, 4 replies)