BEST TEACHER EVER
Ok, im gonna post a shit load of these.. but,

Its 4 in the morn, and we jut get in from a royal piss up on the year 10 trip to spain.
In walks BADLY drunk irish form tutor, says "you all here?" "are yall fuckin' here?!"
"yes.."
"fookin alright then..."
oh he wasnt a happy bunny in the morn :D
(City wall is not doing much, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 13:18, Reply)

Duke of Edinburgh
For some reason it was drummed into us that D of E was a really good idea and would be a really useful thing to have on your UCAS form/CV - kids it ain't - do you think it's a coincidence that it's patron is the most sadistic old bastard the royal family has ever known (except perhaps Henry VIII)?

My own Duke of Edinburgh experience was great. On our first hike I was off on the day we chose tent partners, and my bastard friends hadn't thought to include me in their tent, so i was saddled with the resident outcast - you know the type every school has one and this one had serious hygiene problems, coughed up phlegm all the time, spoke and farted in her sleep and copied everyone in a desperate attempt to be liked.

So after 10 miles we reached camp. Tents were pitched, hot dogs were boiled and vodka was drunk from the flask I had brought along. My two mates had been allocated a two man tent so there was no way we'd all have fitted, but such was my desperation not to sleep with 'it' I curled up in their porch in 2 degree temperatures.

Needless I got no sleep and was bitten to fuck by ants. Still better than listening to 'mummy, mummy, father christmas' and farts all night. 'it' also had an asthma attack that night apparently so I felt quite blessed to have had only ants for company.

The fun and games continued on the next hike, where I actually managed to share with normal people:

We were flashed and leered at by an old pervert which we caught on our video diary and showed in assembly.

We found the diary of a staff member which recounted in mind bendingly graphic detail how she would masturbate with a red hairbrush. Said hairbrush was also discovered, but naturally left well alone, but the diary was comandeered, photocopied and spread. She left soon after.

Rumours were spread that bugs were living in the toilets of the campsite which would stick in your hair and never come out. Obviously I felt the appropriate course of action was not to urinate for the duration of the two day trip. At the end of day 1 I tripped over a tree root and cracked my kneecap on a rock, fracturing it in many places (though I only discovered this later). I completed the last 5 miles with a bastardised kneecap, a 4 stone pack on my back and only a stick to keep myself upright. I emerged a hero - only to wet myself in the pub at the end, in front of my and everybody elses parents.

No one ever apologised for length, but 15 miles is a f*cking long way
(Ambernj1, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 13:05, Reply)

Malcolm the bus driver
was the greatest driver ever. On a geography field trip with a large bunch of 15 year old boys, he somehow put up with all the bizarre songs coming from the back of the bus.
His pass into legend though came with the approach to a roundabout. The chant came from the back..."go round malcolm, go round malcolm, go round the roundabout" in time with slapped knees or whatever. Louder and louder and louder...
I think the record for that week was 7 times round...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 13:02, Reply)

French Exchange poodle killing pisstaker
an old chum of mine was bullied by his mum into going to on a French exchange trip as a way of proving to the school that he was a trust worthy,promising student and not the coarse bullying oaf that he actually was.

So after a stern talking to from teachers about his behaviour he departs to France
The Family that takes him in have a poodle and my chum detests the little blighters and during his stay frequently gets on the wrong side of his hosts by kicking their little darling..the hound also has a habit of sleeping in the bed in the spare room, the very bed that my chum is using..
So one morning he was somewhat distressed to find the aforementioned French dog DEAD in bed with him..
His pathetic grasp of the French language couldnt really express fully his genuine lack of guilt when it came to their pet's demise
To cap off a great trip he was later accused of sitting at dinner with his hosts and calling them 'Smelly French Cunts' in English
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:51, Reply)

National Water Sports
This story isn't as interesting as the title suggests.

Went to national watersports centre with school and Michaela Strachan happened to be there doing a piece on dragon boat racing.

I went to quite a posh school, so her producer wanted to interview a few of the pupils.

Best Comment:
MS: What have you enjoyed about the national watersports centre?
Fellow Pupil: Not having to wear knickers.

Didn't get on the telly
*shame*
(Jugular, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:50, Reply)

Bucket Fanny
One school trip was to a local honeypot village, where we had to make notes of the types of housing and interview locals regarding certain buildings and statues and whatnot. At lunchtime we were told to find something to eat and meet back in an hour - as my Dad owned a mechanics garage nearby, me and a couple of mates went there for a bit.

All was well until my Dad returned that night to ask who had drawn stuff in the dirt on all the cars, including cocks, tits and a beautifully detailed woman, legs akimbo with the words 'Bucket Fanny' scrawled underneath. Cheers fellas...
(titusyouclown, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:49, Reply)

Won't someone think of the teachers?
Ma was a teacher, dreaded school trips largely cos of you bunch of aunts, as well as the usual e.g. fire extinguisher cockage, broken legs on skiing trips, missing pupils, smuggled weed, copping off with the locals etc, she's had a couple of animal related near misses - or near death experiences for pupils.

Class mong picks up poisonous snake, taunts other pupils with it before being bitten, snake escapes without identification, doc makes correct antivenom choice with 2hrs before kid corks it..not to mention the poisonous caterpillar (wtf?) which induced anaphylactic shock in a pupil...don't think she misses those days!

Re: Stolen Penguin:
Wish that it were true, as I have, to my shame, passed it on myself in the past (autistic kid at Edinburgh zoo, mum finds penguin in bath, smuggled in rucksack) but alas
www.snopes.com/critters/farce/smuggled.asp
(Countryslicker, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:37, Reply)

York Railway Museum
Many years ago we went to the Railway Museum in York. They have a collection of old steam engines that you are not allowed to touch or climb on in case you break them (even though they lasted 50 years pulling hundred of tons of carriages million of miles in all sorts of weathers).
Some of them are displayed on bits of railway track on sleepers just longer than the engine. I decided to see if our group could push the engine. Yes we could – until it fell off the end with a hell of a bang. I assume I’m still barred.
They weld the wheels to the track now.
(Alf N. Safety - refusing you planning permission on, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:24, Reply)

Drunken art teacher
When I was about 16 I tagged along on a school art trip to Amsterdam, even though I didn't do art at the time. We were staying in a hotel and one night, after getting pretty sozzled herself, the art teacher found out that (shock horror) all the pupils had been drinking as well. She staggered from room to room around the hotel telling all of us, in a slurred voice, that we had to "drink two glasses of water, all of you". Made me laugh but my drunken room mate took the command quite seriously, spilling water all down his front mumbling "must drink two glasses of water".
( evil_chutney, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:09, Reply)

peace march
there was a ceasefire peace march in belfast during our lower 6th year. so, the school organised a bus and a day off for all of us, and straight away we dodged the march and ran off into town.

we had a great day - shopping for proper records, and having big macs in the only macdonalds in the country at the time. a really great day. we got back to the car park to find only one bus left - ours - the march had ended hours ago and every other school had gone home. the teachers were having a total fit.

we got saturday detentions and a load of hassle, but it was agreat day out. absolutely worth it.

at the next peace march, we gave martin to the other school in the next train carriage along, to do whatever they wanted to him. they threw his trousers out the window.

ah, good times.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 11:44, Reply)

nothing tastes as good as stolen booze
Went on a geography field trip to wales, staying in some grotty village in an old schoolhouse. On the second night me and my mates played a few card games in the kitchen with the teachers. After a while they retired to the lounge to get drunk with reckless abandon, leaving a freshly opened bottle of wine in the kitchen...
Half an hour later and I had worked my way through most of it, when I heard one of the teachers returning.... oh shit. I quickly stashed the remainder in the fridge and nonchalantly began to play cards again.
Mr Miller comes in, "Wheres that bottle of wine gone?"
"Oh, sir, I put it in the fridge" I said in a helpful, slurred voice.
He went over and took it out and started to walk away, but before leaving he turned around and said sharply "Roopy...." My heart skipped a beat...
"you're not supposed to put red in the fridge"
and left.
phew. Luckily I think he was drunker than me.
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 11:43, Reply)

Top Tip
If you want to go on a booze cruse for free, become a teacher at Fearnhill School in herts. Simply pretend that the best way to improve the french of a bunch of zenophobic 11 year olds is to take them on a day trip to France. Drop the kids off in Boligne and spend the rest of the day filling up serval trollies each with booze and fags before the coach leaves.

No student will ever catch on, they will be too busy trying to smuggle flick knives through customs.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 11:17, Reply)

Tenby 1990
Brilliant A Level Geography field trip to Tenby. We'll always remember it for systematically victimising a supply teacher called Mrs Barker.
She knew sod all about geography, so whenever we were assigned to her group hilarity would ensue.
We filled her day with Innuendo. When the girls built a little boat in the sand, we built an enormous phallus with Marram grass pubes.
We left the minibus headlights on and made her cry when we refused to pushstart it.
We talked to her in Larbengarbage at regular intervals
We stopped short of putting some of our seawater samples in her tea, but that was only because we wanted to go to the beach and draw a 300 foot fully detailed cock in the sand.
(LunarJim, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 10:58, Reply)

Don't Stare at the Monkeys
Many moons ago we got taken to Chessington, and before we could go on any ride, we had to do the poxy biology trip around the zoo. One question on the sheet was about monkeys, and while we are looking at the them, the Biology teacher says to us "Don't stare at them", "Why?" says we, "'Coz they get all upset and think you are challenging them, here, watch" At which point he starts to stare at a little spider (type) monkey.

Said monket starts going crazy, jumping around and screaming. At which point the teacher says, "see, told you they don't like it!" and then, at they very instant, the monkey lepas at the cage infront of us, screams, rattles the cage, leans back, and then launches the most enourmous piece of monkey spit straight into the teachers eyes and mouth. Funny? not as funny as when he started running about screaming " AIDS! AIDS! I might have AIDS! "
(smirker neverletmetellyabouttheraggamuffinbiznessandting!, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 10:52, Reply)

Snowdon
Our "Summer School" trip to Snowdon turned out to be a tad more dangerous than we had anticipated. Near the top, heavy fog descended and we lost our way; either that, or we students and two inexperienced teachers thought we could do better than stick to the path. Either way, it doesn't matter.

We found ourselves scrambling over loose slate in grey fog with low visibility. Through a gap, we saw another party above us on the slope, rather better equipped then we were. Consider this: everyone was wearing jackets, jeans and trainers. The people we saw were wearing luminous yellow macs, backpacks, everything, so we thought it would be a better idea to follow them.

I recall they weren't too impressed with us. When we got to them, we looked down the slope and through a gap in the mist, we saw that just a few feet below us was a drop of several hundred feet. Just one slip and all that slate would have carried us over the edge...

Sometimes I wish it had.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 10:41, Reply)

Stolen penguin...
.....this isn't my own experience but it is an amusing tale so I shall share. Pal of mine told me about a school trip she went on to some zoo or other when she was about 8. She and her fellow pupils all had a rather jolly time looking at the animals, especially the penguins who had had little baby penguins - all very cute and fluffy. So, on the coach home and all is well.....until half way back a teacher spies one of the kids engrossed in something in her bag. And what does the teacher spy on approaching said nipper? yep, a cute fluffy little penguin. Cue coach being ordered to stop ASAP and take poor little penguin back home. Bless
(angelica666, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 10:35, Reply)

Couldn't give a duck.
Not my local primary school but another; me mate's class when he was a young'un. On the run-up to Christmas, the teachers had organised for him and the other kids (all aged about 7-8 at the time) to go to the cinema and watch a good ol' honest kids film. They book the tickets, organise a coach and supervision, then all set off to the local Odeon with high hopes and excitement to watching the new sci-fi adventure being shown there.

The kids sit down, managing to survive the initial adverts for pretty much everything until the feature film finally starts.

5 minutes in, the kids are all dragged out by the teachers. The film, "HOWARD THE DUCK". The clincher; when Howard is dragged through the walls and passes the duck with tits in the bath :)

Made the local Evening Post too :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 10:30, Reply)

A terrible tale
I once went to Chessington: World of Adventures with my school.

It was 6 years ago now, and I've put it all behind me. But sometimes I still have nightmares...
(Squirminator2k is funny 'cos he's ginger, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 10:12, Reply)

My mum
My dearest mother always refused to pay the tiny cost required for school trips because she insisted that's what her taxes were for. She would come storming into school and tell my teachers that they were just collecting the money for booze.

Result? Many of my teachers taking me to one side and asking if I had "any problems at home" - and me doing maths exercises on my own at school while the rest of the class went off to Alton Towers. That's why I've got no (true) stories about school trips.
(frankspencer, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 9:40, Reply)

alright
so not technically a school trip
but at this summer camp i work at every year, the oldest kids always have one feild trip. Never actually went on one, parents never had the money for this kind of thing, so now I just get paid for it, aaanyway, these trips are infamous for going horribly wrong. Just a few examples
- Being late, all the time, no matter what, doesnt matter if its a few towns over or litterally down the streat, the drivers will get lost, and the counselors will have absolutley no clue as to where in the hell they're going
- Crashes, This has happened twice i belive, usually ending the trip on some entrance to some highway next to an agitated staff and two agitated drivers in 100+ degree weather (thats Farienhight, not to worry)
-Complete wrong location, My favorite was when the group of 14, 15, 1nd 16 year olds got on the bus, and after being lost for hours, finially arive at what is belived to be the final destination, the only problem being that this destination is actually a gentlemans club,. Not quite laser tag is it? Cue one bus full of overheated, homonally driven 15 and 16 year old boys trying desperatly to look in through the windows.

and the best part?
we're paid LESS than minimum wage!
dont ask me how in the hell that one's legal
( Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 9:26, Reply)

My favourite
school trip was not because of something that happened to me. It didn't even happen on the trip so I hope it still counts!
In the third year of secondary school, our whole year(apart from the usual collection of poor kids and assorted mongs) went to visit the Imperial war museum in london. The trip was great fun and nothing of great excitement happened until the next day at school.
We were told that while we were in London, all the left-behinds has joint lessons during the day. During the Maths lesson, PETER KENT put his hand up to be excused. As it wasn't long 'til the end of the lesson, the teacher said no and all further URGENT requests were given the same answer. A few minutes later, the kid behind PETER KENT said "Eurgghhh, what's that smell?". Much hilarity ensued as PETER KENT ran off to the bogs with shite running down his leg. Over 20 years ago and I still remember PETER KENT, from KINGSHILL SCHOOL in CIRENCESTER fudgeing his kex!
(the.gregster, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 9:08, Reply)

For some reason...
I ALWAYS have dreams about school trips.

ALWAYS.

I left school 3 years ago, but it doesnt seem to make a difference. I have dreams that i'm on school trips with people i never even went to school with, people i work with, people who had even left school when i was there.

Tis really strange.

Wonder what it means...
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 8:57, Reply)

Stuffed Ceiling
School bus broke down

Driver managed to give us the impression it was our fault for doing the "blow-the-horn" motion every time a truck passed.

Caught a lift from a woman with a big van, I'm still not sure how this happened. I think our teacher stuck his thumb out or something.

There were lumps in the ceiling, and we never found out what they were.
(Poogle, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 7:44, Reply)

Duke of edinburgh was always fun.
Nearly getting 20 of us failed teacher found a cig butt (we were stoned enough to try and bury them) they didnt notice it had been snapped off though.

Best part was when we were all euphoric to be leaving birmingham on tour (wales) for the proper birmingham. As the coach was pulling out the residents parking carpark that had a no coaches sign we noticed a resident leaning out his window shouting at the coach. cue a coach full of students flicking the v's and him taking a photo.

Then our design group got took to the jag plant to see just in time production/track building. One of the students spent the whole motorway leg of the journey mooning any other vehicle. It was fun watching artics swerve when they clocked him. One driver found it funny and undertook us as closely as possible whilst showing us his jazz mag centerfold.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 7:04, Reply)

This ought to go in Near Death Experiences
Because I had two in one day. Well, what do you do on camps, eh? You go on bush walks and you canoe. Now, some bright spark in the teaching staff decided that there could be no better way to spend a day than to hike to a nearby beach, have lunch there and then canoe back. And to make it even better, they were going to let us kids read the map! Oh, boy.

Deciphering the map was actually quite fun, and I maintain that we didn't get lost until AFTER I relinquished it to a group of boys that took a few minutes to figure out which way to turn it. At any rate, we ended up trecking over boulders along a path that could only be called that because you could sort of see through the bushes. Which, by the way, were extremely prickly and constantly got in our faces. We were taking turns carrying these four huuuge backpacks, which felt like they had iron ore in them but actually it was just our lunch... which the teachers insisted we were not allowed to eat until we reached our destination...

Eventually we sighted water, and walked down a slope so steep that I dropped my water bottle into a tree until we reached a road. There was, in fact, a beach, which upon further examination turned out to be the WRONG beach, so we walked STILL FURTHER along the road to the right one. There we collapsed and ate totally inadequate sandwiches with cucumbers in them, nervously eyeing the canoes.

How right we were to do so. You see, it was perfectly fine while we were in the bay. But to get back to the main beach at the camp, we actually had to row through a bit of water that would be easier to classify as "open sea" in that it had a strong current and a horizon. This turned out to be a little too much for a bunch of twelve-year-olds fresh from the Hike of Deth and sitting ankle-deep in freezing water (which we had nothing to bail out with except, and I kid you not, SOCKS. We'd soak them and then ring them out over the side, a futile endeavor if ever there was one).

One of the teachers ended up radioing for help, which arrived in the form of a large flat boat into which we gratefully climbed and attached our canoes to the sides.

Apologies for length, but the day was longer.
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 6:57, Reply)

Camp Food
I consider myself a bit of an authority on Camp Cuisine. At every school camp we end up having the sort of conversation you get from connoisseurs of fine food, except in the opposite direction. So they'd be all like "I think there's just a hint of parsley" and "the sauce is quite pique" and we were all like "I think this is cartilege" and "this so-called gravy is actually probably sweet and sour sauce. I think."

Some highlights:

-The egg yolks that were raw but didn't look it from the outside, so I sliced into the thing and it went gloop all over my plate
-The chicken schnitzel, in year four, which was so hard that I broke two plastic knives trying to cut into it
-The shepherds pie that was so oily it soaked RIGHT THROUGH the paper plate, the napkin under the paper plate, and the paper tablecloth to collect in a pool on the table
-The odd brown stuff that we sat and looked at for a few minutes before one of us prodded it and exclaimed "OH! It's pumpkin!"

You were mostly safe with cereal and toast, is all I can say.
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 6:36, Reply)

I shouldn't have made up

that I got my hands on the ample boobs of Andrea, aged 15, on a camping trip.

I certainly shouldn't have kind of grinned and admitted it when the headmaster asked me.

I thought he'd just say I couldn't go on school trips any more.

But no, he fired me.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 6:28, Reply)

Best memory ever!
After terrorising the lot of us for most of our fifth year, our primary school bully wet his bed on the first night of school camp.
Did we all sympathise and finally understand where his anger came from? Did we fuck! We stood around singing (to the tune of Alouette) "Arnold wets the, Arnold bloody wets the, Arnold wets the, Arnold wets the bed!" over and over and over.
I still smile just thinking about it.
( difficultchild, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 5:31, Reply)

My first field trip
In grade one we were studying Mexico. So, for a field trip, they took us to the mall to go to Taco Time. Since you probably don't have Taco Time there, it's basically the high-end version of Taco Bell, sort of like the Quizno's to Subway but even more extreme. It was very informative.

The end.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 5:21, Reply)