My brother thought his cock was for hanging clothes on.
I know this because on a caravanning holiday when he was 5 or so, I remember him appear in front of me and my parents proudly sporting an erection on which he had hung his t-shirt.
(Strangechap I look normal on the outside..., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:05, 2 replies)

Sex ed
Back in the early nineties, when I was a tender 14 years old, I was happily sitting in class at school when the teacher announced, obviously very embarrassed, that he had to teach us about sex that day.

The teacher himself was openly gay, and had confided in me earlier that day that he wasn't sure how the class would take being taught about sex by him (I've no idea why he chose to share that with me, aside from me being teachers pet).

Anyway, the lesson went on and he stumbled and farted his way through explaining what was what, and how things happen, seemingly painfully unaware that the most popular girl in class had spent the thirty minutes in class before he'd turned up telling everyone loudly about her best mate (of the same age) believing she was pregnant after a one night stand.

I remember thinking at the time that I'd probably learn more from the discussions that a class of thirty young teenagers had, than through the mumbled words of an ever-reddening form teacher, but was still open minded enough to listen to him.

Until the subject turned to STDs, and he said to us all that an easy way to prevent symptoms was to urinate very soon after sex, as the acidity in wee would kill any germs.

And he wasn't kidding when he told us.

Thankfully I was smart enough not to believe him (ok, in truth, I was far, far too shy to ever come close to finding out for several years).

I often wondered if he followed his own advice. Especially as, three years after I left school he was arrested in the toilets of a local park doing far worse than the type of things George Michael made headlines for.

Believe it or not, it's an entirely true story.
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:00, 4 replies)

'The hokey-cokey’ (or 'Pooflake's blowjob lesson')...

It seems like this QotW has only just had its hymen twanged, yet the subject of cock-chugging has already been mentioned quite a bit. I apologise from the heart of my bottom for bringing it up again.

But this...is my (sort of) 'BJ' story...

After my parents moved house, my new school was situated in what seemed like a different time zone. Every day I had to get up at stupid o'clock…to walk half a million miles to the cunting bus stop and then endure the arduous cockstick journey through every bastard village on the fuckpig way to whoring Rugby. Suffice to say I wasn’t a happy bunny.

The only thing that made it remotely worthwhile was that I used to claim the very front seat of the coach as my own, as it was much lower than the rest, and there was always an opportunity to look up the shorter skirts of the older girls as they ascended the steps to the ‘regular’ seats.

In the next Village lived a lad called Liam, and he always used to sit next to me. He was a bit younger than I was, but even for his age was young looking, short and naive. Therefore the unwritten law was passed, and the task was thrust up myself to teach him the ‘code of the schoolyard’.

I relished this opportunity to pass on all my worldly knowledge…regarding such great topics as ‘cleavage', moving on to 'boobage’ and then 'fun with breasticles'(advanced). Over time I was painstakingly moulding the budding padawan in my own graven image of a sweary sexual deviant.

One fine summer morning, as I was trying to catch a few Z’s on the way to school, I was gently nudged by Liam:

“pooflake…...Pooflake!” He whispered sheepishly in my ear “I’ve got something to ask you...”

“What the bloated mimsy-rot do you want?” I snorted derisively at him for interrupting my slumber.

"Erm...the thing is…I’ve heard about something...I'm not sure...but I think it's a bit rude and I don’t know what it is” he tentatively replied.

Raising an eyebrow I sneered: "Oh, go on then, what have you heard?"...half expecting him to start talking about 'wispy hair' in his undercrackers.

He replied: "Erm...well......What's a 'Blow Job'?"

Time stopped.

At this point I had a choice. He had taken a massive gamble, sharing a potentially gargantuan moment of embarrassment with me. This was something deeply personal that he was questioning to his trusted friend and mentor. He didn't want to risk looking like a 'prize-winning porridge pistol' in front of his mates, so had sensitively and privately enquired to me. (I mean, where do people go to learn about this stuff anyway?)

So there he was, reaching out...a heartfelt plea to be given the lowdown and guidance regarding something vital…life-changingly important....all he was certain about at that point was that the subject matter was of the sort of rudey nature that he could never ask his teacher...or (god forbid), his parents about. He had put himself in a very vulnerable position…

Well, what could I do?

I was tender in years myself, and although furnished with some knowledge of such matters, intensely inexperienced.

However, it soon became evident that even at that young age...I was still an utter cunt.

"Right then mate, let me tell ya" I said, stifling a giggle and putting my arm around him reassuringly. I could almost feel the relief ebbing from the boy, who had no doubt lay awake all night pondering over whether or not he should ask for my sage advice on this delicate quandry.

I continued: "Well, I'm not gong to lie to you. As you can imagine, it's a sexual thing. How it works is...a boy and a girlie take off their clothes, then…the girlie slips behind the boy and she reaches around with the left arm, grabbing his nutsack firmly and tightly. She then breathes in really deeply and puffs out her cheeks as much as she can. This creates a strange biological and physical effect in girlies that results in an increased pressure of the grip, and she holds tighter and tighter for as long as he (or she) can stand. It may sound weird, but it feels really nice for the boy"

(Cue Liam's jaw dropping wide open and a prolonged pause as he attempts to process what has just been relayed to him)

...

...


He finally spoke: "Erm....riiiiiiiiiight...(I could almost hear the cogs going round in his head)...but why is it called a 'Blow Job' then?" Liam pondered further.

"Ah, there's two reasons for that." I immediately and confidently respond. "Firstly, because when the girl can't hold her breath any more, she exhales and 'blows' all the surplus air down the back of the man's neck, which again is a pleasurable experience..."

At this point Liam slowly nods, hanging on my every word. This was making perfect sense to him and I could see him visualising the sordid scenario in his (now warped beyond recognition) impressionable young mind...

I continued: "The second reason is a bit...well...'kinky'. Are you sure you want to hear this?"

Liam's beady peepers nearly pop out of his head, as if he was about to be told the secret of eternal life: "Y-y-y-y-y-yeeeeeAAAAH!" he implored.

"Well then", I shamelessly enthused: "Whilst you're in the throes of the 'job', the girlie gives you a 'blow' by punching you stoutly on the back of the head with her right hand, and the jolting sensation makes you spurt your splooge extra hard!"

"NO.FUCKING.WAY!" exclaimed little Liam, his face aglow with titilation.

"Yep - and that's all there is to it. It's brilliant - I've had loads of 'blowjobs' you know..." I concluded with a knowing smirk, mentally congratulating myself on the 'job well done' of ruining someone's fledgling educational career.

The youthful pre-teen felt empowered by this mature tutelage and couldn't wait to bound energetically off the bus to share his wisdom with his fellow classmates.

Unfortunately for him, he had decided to ‘fluff up’ his story somewhat by breaktime, and claimed to his friends that he had actually received a blow job the previous evening…before proceeding to ‘act out’ the situation 'as it really happened’…

When it came to the ‘highlight’ of his tale, amongst his spirited, graphic display of amateur dramatics, he of course did not opt for the universally acknowledged ‘move your fist towards your mouth and poke your tongue into your cheek’ signage for the beloved blowie. Instead, he used his newly acquired information to demonstrate the ‘sex-act’ which had allegedly been partaken on him.

I still remember chuckling to myself when I spotted him on the playground with an audience of about a dozen (increasingly confused) younglings, proudly displaying how he was a 'man-of-the-world', with his knees slightly bent, whilst thrusting his hips, winking at the girls, making a gesture with one outstretched hand that resembled a dying spider, swinging wildly into mid-air with the other hand, all the time with his cheeks puffed out like Louis Armstrong doing a particularly strenuous trumpet solo, and a rampant look of ‘fierce eroticism’ in his eyes.

It was like a demonically deranged, solo porno version of 'the hokey-cokey'

I crept out of sight as the collective pointing and laughter of his peers rang out to uncontrollable levels…before all sound was metaphorically drowned out by the monumental 'clanging' sound of 'the penny dropping’ in Liam’s head, as he finally realised...that in the very midst of the 'kids can be cruel' years, he had lined himself up to have the veritable living piss ripped out of him for the rest of his natural school existence.

And thus it was so…(although to be honest, me telling everyone in school about it didn’t help him much either).

I'd like to think that I gave him an important lesson in life that day...and that lesson is:


'Never, EVER pay any attention whatsoever to anything Pooflake says (or does)...EVER'.


You could all do well by heeding that advice.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:52, 8 replies)

Ahhh. The Penis 'Bone'
I love my missus very much. I love the fact that sometimes she can also be very gullible.
We had been together for a few months and were at it like rabbits. There is nothing quite like the first few years of a relationship. Nearly every moment is spent shagging the brains out of each other anywhere and everywhere. The remaining time is spent eating just to replenish the lost energy. We were both at college I was 23 she was 20 so we had a lot of spare time.
Anyway, we were lying on the bed one afternoon. She was idly stroking my now semi-flaccid member and I was laid back smoking a joint thinking that all was right in this beautiful world.
That’s when she asked what it felt like when a man had an erection, could I describe the feeling?
I thought about it for half a second and just came out with it.
“The male has a bone, you know? That when retracted is in line with the spinal cord. Kind of where the gap is where the womb would be had we been born female.”
“No way!!”
“Yeah really and when a man gets aroused this bone starts to slide down from its resting place until it locates the base of the penis, then gently changes its direction to north, thus filling the penis and making it ‘hard’.”
*she is looking at me with jaw ‘ajar’*
“That’s why it’s called a boner” I stated with glee.
She only bloody believed me. I told her after a week that it was all lies. She was not best pleased to find this out but we had a good laugh about it.
Apparently I said it so convincingly that she thought it must be true. I still play her up about it to this day. (Been together 7 years in Nov).

Length? Knuckle deep
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:51, 2 replies)

I realised I had misunderstood 'Doggy style'...
...when I couldn't get his knot out of my arse.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:49, 3 replies)

Cheers, Mum
I vividly remember when I was young (9 or 10 maybe) seeing a news report about a 9 year old girl in Australia who had just had a baby.

I asked my mum how she could get a baby when she was only 9. My mum squirmed slightly and said "Oh, erm, because it's really hot in Australia".

I remember nodding, thoughtfully, convinced by the power of her logic.

Of course not long after that I discovered a stack of porn under my parent's bed and things started to make a little more sense.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:48, 1 reply)

Not strictly on topic
but I've never been with a lady who wouldn't swallow

are there many of them out there?
(The Stalker's Stalker For all your stalking needs, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:47, 14 replies)

You have to get it ALL in
As a boy, my friend Adam was told by his mate (who, having an older brother, was regarded as the oracle on all things sexual) that, if you wanted to do it properly with a lady, you had to "get it ALL in". In other words, the two veg as well as the meat.

Whether or not this important lesson was ever put into practice is unrecorded, but if any unfortunate females in the Essex area in the early nineties did find themselves on the receiving end of the whole package, they now know why.
( MacCruiskeen, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:42, 3 replies)

Nurse! It's stuck!
Not through any religious indoctrination but thanks to the Ladybird book of the human body, when I was young I thought that sex was ONLY something you did when you wanted to have a baby. Something like: "when a man and woman marry and wish to have a child the male penis is inserted into the female vagina and the sperms pass through and fertilises the egg". I assumed that you had to go into hospital to do it under medical supervision, and that the man would simply lie still on top of the woman... often wondered whether it would have to be for a few minutes or several hours. Also wondered whether getting it stuck was a likely hazard. Now I'm older and wiser I know that isn't done in hospital, you don't lie still, but I do now know that that it only takes five minutes, includes eating the pizza first.
(How soon is now?, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:33, 3 replies)

Don't take your sex education from pron films
A girl may liked to be asked before you whip your tadger out of her mimsy and hose her face down in hot jizz.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:32, 6 replies)

The Chickenlady Guide to Giving The Talk
Ever since my sons (now 10) have been very small I've been very open and told them the bits that they were ready for regarding sex… So here is my guide to Giving The Talk


Talk One - The basics of Biology

This is a pearoast from Animal Cruelty -

When they were about 6 I got hold of some fertile eggs because one of my hens (Ethel) was broody. She duly sat on them and produced four cockerels and only two hens. The chicks were lovely but within a few weeks the young cocks had become just that and were harassing all of the hens…several times a day to the point that the favoured hens had no feathers on the tops of their heads and many of them had now got bloody scabs from the over enthusiastic males holding them with their beaks.

When your young children have seen hens being given a good seeing to on a regular basis sex education is pretty easy, or so I’d thought. The following conversation is etched on my memory…

Son #1 “Mummy, what is Hector [Hector was the biggest cockerel and therefore it was his house...] doing to all the hens?”

Me “He wants to give them chicks”

The kids were already well aware that hens lay eggs regardless of whether there’s a cockerel about or not (some adults are unaware of this, and more than once I’ve heard an egg referred to as a ‘Chicken abortion’ erm….no it’s unfertilised…and will never ever become a chick, you idiot).

Son #1“But how?”

Me“Ah…well….you know how you have a winkle?”

He nods, interested now (typical male…any mention of genitalia and they’re all ears…as it were…)

Me“Well…Hector has one too”

Son #1“Where?”

Me“Under his feathers. Anyway, he jumps on the hen’s back and he puts his winkle into the hen”

Son #1“Where?”

Me“Erm…where the eggs come out”

Son #1“UP HER BUM!!??”

Me“Yes…but it’s called a Vent in chickens”
(Can you tell I used to be a primary school teacher?)

*Boy thinks*

Son #1“Mummy….”

Me“Yes darling?”

Son #1 “Is that how people get babies?”

Me“Pretty much, yes, but they always ask first and they always should like each other a lot”

Son #1“So…Daddy…and you…..”

Me“Yes”

Boy looks slightly shocked…

Me“It’s alright you know, when you get older you’ll understand that it’s okay and nice too.”

Boy begins to cry…

Son #1“But Mummy….I’ll never be able to do that!”

At that point I’m afraid I had to stifle my giggles, gave him a hug, told him it would be okay, he *would* be able to do it and would want to do it, then I sent him outside to play.

Ten minutes later I went out to see what the kids were up to….and I see my son chasing the cockerel around the garden shouting at him, “You git! You didn’t ask her if she wanted chicks! Leave her alone!”
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:27, 13 replies)

pron puzzler
i watched a lesbot porno the other night - why do they give the strap-ons a blow job?
(Heyzeus, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:24, 5 replies)

When I was about 13...
... and knew the ins and outs of the whole affair, I was walking to school with my friend James and, being two teenaged boys, we started talking about boobies and vaginas and such.
Suddenly, he turned to me, a look of horror and disgust in his eyes - he'd thought of something proper sick and/or funny.
"Matt," he said. "Imagine shagging a girl... when you've got a boner!"
"..."
"It'd be all hard and disgusting, so-"
"James, mate... that's what boners are for."
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:23, Reply)

Foaming Jizz
I have dredged this from the bowels of my memory.

When I was about 8 years old, I used to play with our 4 dogs all the time and everything and probably used to think I would grow up to be a dog if I hung out with them all the time. As a result of this I got a very bad case of ringworm. As most of you will hopefully know, ringworm isn’t actually a worm, it’s a fungal infection. I got it just between my belly button and winky. I didn’t really notice and didn’t tell my parents or anything as I had just entered the ‘bathing myself’ phase.

So I had ringworm for about a year before it was treated. When my mum finally found out, she took me to the doctor and I got some cream to treat it twice a day. As it was particularly virulent, a few minutes after application, the area actually fizzed white and was very itchy. It was also very satisfying as well.

So a few days later my dad comes into my room and finds me gasping with pleasure taking my hand out of the front of my pants with it covered in white stuff.

So my dad must have been quite shocked by this due to my age, so he sat down next to me and asked me what I was doing. I replied that mummy made the bad skin thing go away and had made me feel good down there.

His face went white and it looked like all of the strings in his face had been cut with a knife.

He wandered off and I heard shouting. Then he came back and just said:

“You big silly”.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:23, 2 replies)

Evita
When we were v small we used to relieve the boredom of a long car journey with the joy that was the audio book. Only thing was that we only had two. The first was the Railway Children - no particular interest there. The second was Evita. It became clear that the leading lady was a prostitute. I knew what a prostitute was (being a 10 year old and worldly wise etc etc), but was pretty sure that my mum would be uncertain as how to describe one to me. So, I asked the question; "Mum, what is a prostitute?". "Err, umm, err...!" Red faces from the front seats - Dad intently staring at the road. "Well, its a woman who sells her body to men" Okay, fair enough; factual if not exactly descriptive.

The devil in me took note of the discomfort that this question elicited. It was about a month later that I asked it again.... and again on the trip down to Cornwall later that summer. My older sister twigged before Mum did... Fun whilst it lasted. Not really on topic - meh
(conanow, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:22, Reply)

Biting
When a lady howls, during the course of lovemaking, "Bite me you bastard!"...

..be careful. Just saying.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:06, 1 reply)

Blow jobs
do not involve blowing!


(for those who dont know)


_{also "I won't cum in your mouth" is often a lie}
(jmaxi returned again on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 11:04, Reply)

Surely a misconception
A couple years ago I was going out with this girl and I went to pick her up from collegeand whilst waiting for her I overheard some chav girls talking about their relationships with head chav (they were 16/17) telling the other girls she's fed up of her boyfriend being immature.

Answer to the problem? She declared she was going to get herself pregnant so then he would finally grow up. The rest of her clan agreed on it being a good idea.

Neverfound out if he grew up. Doubt it though.
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 10:54, Reply)

You're doing it wrong...
I have a friend with a very 'odd' aunt and uncle. Now the stories I've heard of these people are very amusing but one in particular springs to mind now. Apparently, they'd been trying for a baby for about two years,and being the good Catholics they were, had been abstaining up until this point (I know, I don't get it either). Any way, after all of this time they bit the bullet, and decided to go and have fertility tests etc. So off the went and got things squirted into cups and thing observed and the results were that they were both wonderfully fertile humans who should have no trouble whatsoever conceiving. This seemed a little odd, so they went back to their GP, who was now a fairly close friend who suggested maybe it was something to do with the environment or method in which they were engaging in said nookie. He referred them to a sex therapist friend of his. Now being the stalwart prudish Catholics that they were it took a few sessions before they opened up to her. It turns out that after all of this time, they'd been doing it wrong... Now the first image is that he'd been putting it in the wrong hole, am I right? Oh no, he'd been putting it in no hole at all... They'd just been having 'a bit of a rub' for two years. God knows what they thought the shit squirting out of his manminge was...
( crazygibbon all your monster munch are belong to us, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 10:51, 7 replies)

I might be responsible
for my brothers 32 years of inability to stay in a relationship. It possible he's still operating under the premise that if you have sex once, it makes a baby, twice, and its twins, three times and its triplets etc.

I probably should tell him I made that up a while back.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 10:51, Reply)

Serious misconception
My two daughters got me full of piss one night. I was so drunk I didn't know what was going on. Turns out I shagged one of them! Her idea, not mine. The next night the dirty tarts did it again, only this time the other one shagged me. Got away with it though because most people only remember the missus being turned to salt.

Toodle,
Lot.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 10:46, 6 replies)

A friend of mine though babies were born out of the ass until he was about 15
ive never laughed so hard as the day he started asking "Why don't the women have the baby when they go for a shit then?".

This country...
( Victor Meldrew, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 10:32, Reply)

babies and how to get one
i have no recollection whatsoever of my parents explaining anything to me about bodies and what they can do, for which i'm very grateful. at a time when i wrote (frequently) to father christmas and i counted the tooth fairy among my close friends, a girl in my class who had a new sister told me everything i needed to know.

'mum grew it in her tummy.'
'she what?'
'in her tummy. it grows there and you wait for it to get really big and then the doctor helps take it out.'
'is it like sheep? does it happen in the spring?'
'i think it can happen anytime.'
'how does it get in there?'
'the man and the woman go to hospital, the man jumps up and down on top of the woman on a bed until the doctor tells them to stop and then they wait for it to grow.'
'does it hurt?'
'i don't know. i don't think so.'
'i bet it does. i don't want any babies.'
'no, neither do i.'

nothing i have learnt since has changed my mind.
(threadkiller, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 10:20, Reply)

The "wrong" hole
Now, surely it's a misconception that men accidentaly slip it in the wrong hole.
Surely, it's just us bunch of chancers trying to get our jollies and hoping that the lady will go along with it.
Also helped by the fact that cock is now up the bum, and in the immortal words of Magnus Magnusson, "I've started, so I'll finish".
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 10:18, 2 replies)

now with wings
I used to think the sticky strip on a panty liner was for girls to stick it to their fanny.
(bellboy last hit the tit on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 10:10, 4 replies)

rapists
after hearing someone use the word 'rapist' (think I was about 6), i asked my mum what it meant. She mumbled something about it being a man who attacks women for something that only women have.

I thought it was someone who stole jewellrey.
(jam and cheese, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 9:52, Reply)

Another friend story
My mate Rich had a very close shave.
His girlfriend was a lovely girl, but she was, to say the least, rather naive.
Now she had never touched a man where he wees before, and was trying to get some inside knowledge on how this sex thing all works out, cue discussion on pleasuring a man with her hands.
"So you roll the foreskin back and forth, and the man likes this?"
"Oh yes. This is good fun for the man."
"OK, so it rolls all the way to the base of the penis?"
"My God, no! That would hurt a considerable amount"

It's too early to be funny, but you get the gist of what almost went on.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 9:46, Reply)

Rape!
I remember being very young (pre-teen?) and messing around in that way two kids will, exploring our bodies when alone, playing "doctors and nurses" and the like. When she says to me, "let's have sex". Now this brings up two opposing thoughts to me:

1) Cool! Sexiehtime - I know I have to put my thing in her thing and then I guess we see what happens (it probably couldn't even get hard at this point, but these things don't seem to matter on occasions such as this).

2) Rape! I remembered seeing on the news that having sex with someone under 16 was classified as statutory rape. I envisaged jail and solitude forever - not realising that as a minor that wasn't likely.

So I told her I didn't want to rape her.

Goddammit. I would have been the first of my mates to lose my virginity a good 6 years before everyone else.

I hate the news.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 9:35, Reply)

No wonder I'm single...
Most violent misconception: That it is ok to wipe the shaft off on her curtains post nookie in her room. When she isnt looking. Usually can be done stealthily enough, with her rarely noticing...

Until the first time you try anal.
(Overdrive fucking loves you!, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 9:33, 1 reply)

as ever...
Not I, but a friend of mine who is quite "special" told me that before he got his current girlfriend he could only ever crack one off over Danni Filth in the 'nymphetamine' video. To this day he still doesn't believe me when I tell him Danni Filth is a guy.
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 9:32, 1 reply)