Just a few letters off...
For the longest time, I had the words "promiscuous" and "precocious" mixed up.

Which was great as I was very fond of letting people know what a precocious child I was.
( Sydney Bintstow, Sat 27 Sep 2008, 0:08, 2 replies)

Only had two misconceptions...
1) Was told when I was about 11, that it was really hard, nay, nigh-on impossible for girls to orgasm, and that I'd be privileged beyond mere mortals comprehension if I ever witnessed such a thing.

Turns out there's this little thing called the clitoris...

2) Mildly related, but was told by my folks when I was 16 or so, that if I learnt to be a great lover, then I wouldn't have much trouble getting girls to stay with me because they'd want to stay with me.

Bit of a shitter really that I managed to make my ex have full-body orgasms once through just touching her skin, only for her to dump me later for a bloke who she doesn't even have sex with. I provided her with stability, amazing sex by her own account, and everything she wanted, only for her to turn around and tell me that she didn't love me any more.

Women, eh? Satisfy them in every way and they bugger off.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 23:42, 10 replies)

Damn babies
Damn babies, coming out of our women, taking our jobs . . .




DEY'RE TAKIN AAR JAABS !!!!
(The Cats Twat, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 23:23, 3 replies)

Testicle fanny eggs?
When I was in primary school (year 4 or 5) there was a guy in the year above who would spend lunchtimes telling a select few of me and my friends all about sex...

Apparently when your intercoursing with a lady, one of your testicles flows from your scrotum through your penis, through the bell end and into the lady. This egg then developes into a baby and the testicle would then grow back a few days later. If you did not wish to be a father you would proceed to root around in your lady pals vagina, remove the testicle egg and stamp on it.

A likely story.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 23:02, 1 reply)

Period
sorry, I know no one really likes to talk about em but I'm just throwing it out there.

Back in good old repressing totalitarian catholic primary schoool we had our 'wicked child' sex education day. After a couple of confusing videos (one called some of your bits aint nice if I remember correctly) they separated the boys and girls. I still don't know what they told the lads but they taught us 10 year olds about periods.

Call me naive but I had NO idea what they were on about and felt totally devastated and somehow cheated that every woman on the planet, including my mum and teacher suffered this bizarre fate every month and had never told me. I was totally gutted.

It didn't help that I became totally paranoid about this monthly bleed and could barely bring myself to sit on any kind of surface without fearing that I would leave behind a pool of blood.

Bloody women. Ha
(Eldoofus, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 22:53, Reply)

Note to men
When my boyfriend and I were on study leave for our GCSEs we studied hard for Human Biology.

One thing no one ever told me though was that there are such things a button flies on boxers. This resulted me in nearly snapping the poor boys cock in half trying to get it out.

So fellas. Don't do the buttons up!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 22:41, 5 replies)

i was told the
'facts of life' at a early age and then grew up to read Just 17 so I didn't have many misconceptions.

However I do recall asking my mum when I was about 6 that if I was a mix of her and dad, what bits came from my dad. My reasoning was that as we were both ladies surely all that made me me came from her.
She replied that he must have supplied the unimportant bits.

I then decided that my shoulders where the unimportant bit and must be all that men bring to the process of making a girl.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 22:36, 1 reply)

I used to read
My mum's biology books. I was seven or eight, I think. I understood pretty much everything except what an orgasm was as it's sort of hard to explain without experiencing.

That was fixed when I was ten.

So...no sexual misconceptions. I was too damn curious for this QOTW.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 22:03, Reply)

Misconception
I have actually never had any sex misconceptions. Well, except maybe one thing - I thought it was ok for dad to touch me repeatedly in that place.
( Zhmei HEY B3TA I WAS ON YOUR DINGY ISLAND AT LAST!1!, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 21:13, Reply)

And...
...i never had any misconceptions about sex from the age of about 7, i lived near a council estate.

I'm such a snob
(Reservoir Ducks, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 21:11, Reply)

I do remember...
Watching Neighbours once with brothers and sister, with the storyline being that Aussie Blonde Bimbo had been knocked up and was in the process of being rushed to hospital to give birth.

However, I, the ignorant child, knew not of "knocking up". I merely thought that women, upon reaching the age of about 16/17, spontanously became pregnant. I half-remember asking me sister, upon her arival at said age, what the hell was wrong with her and why wasn't she pregnant yet.

...

I blame going to a Christian school.
( Matoosh would rather like a biscuit, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 21:00, 1 reply)

Male lesbian!!
Right.

I was ten years old and dicovered my cock wasn't just for pissing out of.
Cue FRANTIC wanking that nearly put me in a coma.

Anyway, a few weeks later I overhear a group of 'bigger boys' talking.
These individuals where mature- almost fully grown men.
They must have been all of 12.
One 'bigger boy' said "Well,yeah - if you wank yourself off it means you're gay. Scientific fact that is. Baz told me and he's like 14."

My reaction? - Holy fucking fuck!! I'm GAY!!

But i went over the situation in my 10 year old brain and came up with the following logic.

Fact 1. - I enjoy wanking.
Fact 2. - If you wank, you're gay. (Bigger boys said it so it HAD to be true)
Fact 3. - When wanking i was thinking about girls.
Fact 4. - Gay people who are attracted to women are called lesbians.

Conclusion - I'M A LESBIAN!!!!!

NIGHTMARE!!!

Seriously, for 2 YEARS i really thought i was a lesbian. When lads made jokes about lesbians i used to get all paranoid and think "Shit!!They KNOW!!"

Funny now. But at the time it was a BIG DEAL.


I'm nearly 40 now and strangely enough i have ended up having sex with a few lesbians.
And no, i don't mean bisexuals. I mean i was the first man they ever slept with.

SHIT!! Maybe the 'bigger boys' where right after all!!

I must just have the world's biggest clitoris and descended ovaries.

It's no wonder i'm on medication.
(spiff, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 20:53, 11 replies)

Hmmm
Learned most things pretty early due to coming from a rough'ish part of York and going to school there, so the playgrounds were of course full of swearing, gossip and talk of *tee hee* rude things.

However one embarassing fact (did any 1 else do this) is that I thought girls pee'd out of their arse till I was like 15.
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 20:21, 2 replies)

I used to think so many kids at school hated me because I was so handsome.
Turns out it was because I was fucking their Dads.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 19:53, Reply)

Sex misconceptions you say?
I always make a number of errors about both sexes of the human species, I sometimes wonder how I became a certified doctor....then again I suppose its because I am Decapodian.

Whoop whoop whoop


Dr Zoidberg
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 18:59, Reply)

Useless knowledge galore
My parents told me about "all that" when i was about 3 years. No fairy tales, the truth.
I don't even remember the talk itself. As long as i remember, i always knew.

If only that had improved my sex life as a teen...
(timbolator successfully hiding from the authorities on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 18:58, 2 replies)

'Sexual' as in rude bits...
When I was 8 or so I had a Jewish friend, about a year older than me. He seemed to know everything so, having encountered the term 'circumcise' in a book of rugby songs (The Ball of Kirriemuir) and having vaguely remembered it was something that happened to Jewish boys, I asked him about circumcision and he very kindly told me all about it.

Why I believed him I don't know. Especially the bit about about the 'left-overs':

"they cover them in bread crumbs and sell them as scampi."

I was 14 before I twigged that this was completely untrue.

Or is it...?
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 18:47, Reply)

3 little things
1. I learnt the basic mechanics of sex quite early (willy goes in fanjo, baby pops out 9 months later) but didn't learn about orgasms or sperm till quite a bit later. For years I thought you just put it in there, waited a bit, and withdrew. When my peers started talking about thrusting and "a hard fucking" and stuff I just thought "what's the point in that? sounds a lot of effort. Can't be bothered. When i want a kid I'll just stick and wait for a minute"
2. Not too long after, I did hear something about 'liquid coming out of your nob' and naturally assumed you were meant to piss in her.
3. Unrelated, but at school we were convinced that the teachers would have absolutely no idea what we were talking about when we referred, loudly, to "BJ's" instead of blowjobs. All those looks I mistook for confusion were clearly weary disdain.
(nobuttocks last besmirched the internet on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 18:43, 1 reply)

It turns out...
that you don't actually blow when giving a blowjob. I wish I hadn't been the one to illuminate my then gf to this particular factoid, because when she performed the breathalyzer on me, she used both lungs and a running start.

Learning hurts.
(Ejaculantern was caught desecrating pumpkins on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 18:10, 7 replies)

Horseback riding, swimming, keeping the baby inside. . . .
The spouse, though now an atheist, was raised a good little catholic (my mother-in-law was, at one point, a nun). Despite all the fears of hell and damnation, he was still a curious child, as children tend to be.

Around the age of six or so, he asked his mother (remember, used to be a nun) about the purpose of tampons. Not wanting to get into details, she told him they had to do with how women 'make babies' and that was the end of that.

For years, he admits, he thought that was how a fetus was kept inside a pregnant woman and was extremely perplexed as to why his mother kept any around the house (for despite being very catholic, his parents stopped at two kids).

His religious upbringing has left him with tons more stories about sexual misconceptions, but I don't think he'll be telling me all of them now since I admitted I plan to post them here.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:53, Reply)

Great advice...
... when your bent over and the doctor is examining your prostate, just make sure he doesn't have BOTH hands on your shoulders.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:47, 2 replies)

you might want to sit down
as this is more contrived than Home and Away to the power of Hollyoakes.

Stirling Moss once designed a new paint treatment that made a car's bodywork gleam like new all the time. However he lost the formula.

There was an article in the press recently that the guitarist from Queen want to invest in Stirling's idea, if only he could find the formula. The headline?

May Seeks Moss Concept Sheen
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:39, Reply)

We discovered it!
I was entirely convinced that my generation was the first to know about wanking, oral sex and orgasms.

It's a new thing!

It seems every generation thinks the same thing.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:38, Reply)

I used to think "oral sex"
was talking dirty, and therefore entirely possible to have it on the phone.

Oh.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:30, 2 replies)

ITCHY SEX
Sort of a rp.

I lost my virginity on a hillside. Rolling over for the apres-shag-fag only to be stung everywhere by nettles.
I was my first time, so worrying it would always be this way in future, I always carry protection in my wallet.
A docken leaf.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:28, Reply)

Trouble
The problem is, when I was young, I didn't really have any misconceptions, I was pretty clued up on what I knew. That's not to say I knew everything, but what stuff I did know about, I knew enough about it to not get confused. Consequently, I don't have any relevant stories.

Except one time, I was talking a kid about going to senior school (as it was then) and mentioned that the physics teacher was called Mr Blow, and that people refer to him as blow-job. (kids can be so unimaginative).
The kid started laughing and said "Do you know what a blow-job is?"
I looked confused and he replied:
"It's where a lass sucks your cock, but blows instead."
I told him that sounds dangerous as forcing air into the bladder could damage something and at the very least make the bloke feel like he was desperately busting for a piss.

He told me to fuck off, so I went to shop and bought a curly-wurly and a can of Quattro.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:19, Reply)

I tell ya mon, I'm stuck on the distinctive perfume of this lovely girl.


Dewberry perfume, from the Body Shop.

Only one girl at my school wore it, and she was the one I 'liked'. Kirsty Lovell. She was kind of the alternative kid. Actually she was incredibly stylish. She had sort of rockabilly hair, dyed red, converse before anyone else had them, into the Violent Femmes and the Cure & so forth. It was like going to school with Coco Chanel.

Anyway she wore dewberry perfume and I associate it with her. I've just realised this isn't a very good story.

OK, I'll re-post something:

once she was playing the Violent Femmes on a boombox (as was the style in those days) and I heard it. I'd really only ever heard pop music before, and Gordon Gano's voice just blew me away. A couple of years later I became a huge fan. I used to know the lyrics to the first two albums off by heart, including song order.

"What's this crap?" I sneered at Kirsty.

Um, more Femmes-and-Kirsty-Lovell-flavoured misery below.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:11, 3 replies)

Ok, so not exactly my misconception
in fact, not mine at all.
I'm a young 'un, not super young but im approaching 19 with manly vigour. Anyway, I am not superbly well versed in the ways ofwomen but I get by. I also, apparently, know more than one of my female friends (henceforth known as A).

This occured early last year, not long into our final year of VCE (that's the important bit of high school in Australia). I was sitting around with said friend and another female friend of mine (who was VERY well versed in the ways of sexing, henceforth known as B) out the front of school and our conversation turned to a discussion of sex.

I assumed that A and B knew at least as much as me about female anatomy and made some sort of dirty joke about lady genitals, and A didn't get it... I thought maybe I'd made a mistake and that I had just made myself look like a total sex-noob, but no, B was laughing.
So I explained the joke to A and she still didn't get it. At this point I got worried and was compelled to ask:
"Do you know what a clitoris is?"

No she did not. She pretended to, but it was quite clear she had no real clue. So I sat there, with all the wisdom I had gained regarding women, and explained basically ALL of sex. Boys, girls, everything. The only thing she knew was WRONG, she thought that when a guy got an erection it was just like a balloon inflating, which is sort of true, but she thought that it was COMPLETELY HOLLOW when not erect...

Good lord. So after I had run through the basics of mimsies, A went off to class and B and I spent a good half hour laughing our arses off.

I'd assume she had never gone beyond kissing if I didnt know better (which I did, having personally taken her to third base or whatever the younglings call it now).

Honestly, you'd think by eighteen a girl would understand her own genitals
(Monsun beery wanderlust, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:05, 5 replies)

Mystery of the Period Gifts
When I was about six or seven I managed to sneak a look at my parents copy of Dr Spock, and boned up (as it were) on the secrets therein.

As a boy, I found the section about Girls Parts to be of particular interest. In there was mention that when a girl is expecting to start her periods for the first time, it's a good idea for her to receive a box of napkins and a belt.

Well, I had next to no idea what was meant by any of that. For quite a long time I wondered about this ceremonial belt and accompanying napkins, and gave my big sister some searching looks when she appeared wearing any new sort of belt.

The mystery only deepened when she went shopping one day with my mum and returned with a nice silver coloured leather one, and I congratulated her and asked if I could see her serviettes.

All I got was a clout round the ear, which was her usual response to stupid questions.

(It was many many years later that I discovered that the Good Doctor was talking about sanitary towels, and that the belt was a pre-adhesive method of holding them in place - or so I have been lead to believe...)
(richardm, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 16:54, 3 replies)