sex cream?
On the way home from a retreat I was sitting in the bus listening to people talking.
Two girls next to me were saying they needed sex cream very badly.
They were talking about sunscreen.
(meltthefork, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 3:40, Reply)

Fizz, pop, woof
I was queing up to pay in my college rent cheque in Lent term and overheard the Senior Tutor telling a guest an anecdote as he walked past.

I can't imagine what it was about, except that it ended with "..and then the dog *choked* on the champagne cork!" and then the two of them laughing uproariously.
(Richard_O'Richard, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 3:19, Reply)

Foreigners...
Its amazing how foreigners think that once they are in an english-speaking country they can say whatever they like in their native tongue and noone will notice...
My girl used to work at a cafe in a hot tourism spot, and as such is often very busy and usually understaffed. She also manages to speak german quite fluently. Cue snobby germans who complain to each other in german, and even call my girl names when she delivers their meal. Of course she understands every word that they were saying.
Unfortunately, she did not tell them (in german) that they were a bunch of shit eating ugly fucks who she wished would die a terrible terrible death. I was very dissapointed....
(woobwoob, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 3:11, Reply)

More Russian
As a Russian speaker, I get to hear many interesting things. Russians tend to have the belief that noone else speaks there language. It makes for interesting ear wigging.

Last week, a man detailed on the phone how he intends to kneecap his ex-business partner, in Bristol.

Also in Bristol, two youngs Russian wippersnappers were planning how to upset a fellow Russian in the community. I was not sure how serious they were about acid.

Ho hum.
(Doctor_Who, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 1:34, Reply)

haha
so i was in Grand Union and dancing to a song whilst looking for cumin. A lady says to me 'nother lil spice gal eye?!' as she walked away, i heard her say, 'dont need anymore of them picy gals or what eva they are!'
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 1:25, Reply)

Some More Bus Fun...
It was two years ago on the 'park and ride' bus coming back from college in the evening. I had wisely decided to sit at the back, well away from the poor dishevelled single mum and her two young mischievous boys at the front. The little terrors couldn't have been much older than six or seven, and were obviously starting to become bored by the journey.

When the bus was about ten minutes away from the final stop, the boys began to squabble with each other. This continued for five minutes or more, before the pair finally erupted into a violent bout of fisty-cuffs. All of a sudden, one of them started to cry having just been poked in the eye by his brother.

Only muffled sounds of a 'telling off' could be heard over the noise of the engine and other passengers. That is, until mum decided she'd finally had enough of diplomacy and lost all control of the volume of her voice. All that anyone on the bus could hear was one stressed woman's cries of, "WELL MAYBE HE SAID THAT BECAUSE YOU *ARE* A COCK MONKEY!!!"

The woman, suddenly realising her outburst was shockingly inappropriate, turned bright red with shame whilst I lost all control of my bladder laughing...
(damndirtyape, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 1:13, Reply)

Also on a bus...
Picture the scene:
Leeds, 1992, 4pm(ish) on a miserable Autumn weekday afternoon.
I was going the 4 or so miles down Woodhouse Lane from the main studentville area known as Headingly, to the city centre.

As it was just after school kicking-out time, along the route jumped on three local schoolkids. I saw them as they passed me to sit at the back of the bus; all lads aged about 14 or 15, as denoted by their school blazers, awful Leeds accents, and facial bumfluff.
The bus pulled away, and they continued the conversation they had obviously started before getting on the bus.

It became apparent from unavoidably overhearing their conversation that lad A, B, and C had obviously just started the new school year and hadn't seen much of each other during the Summer holidays.

Then their conversation turned to the absence from school of one of their schoolfriends.
A: "Where's Dave?" says one.
B: "I dunno, I've not seen him for a bit"
A: "Strange, he's usually around like a bad smell"
C sniggers
C: "He's keeping a low profile at the minute"
A: "Huh"
B: "Why's that, then?"
C: "You know he lives on a farm out by [forgotten]"
B: "Yeah"
C: "Well I went 'round his place looking for him a few weeks back"
A: "And?"
C: "Well, it were evening, his folk's car was gone. His house were in darkness, but there were a light from't one of't animal sheds out back."
A: "So?"
C falls into fits of giggles, struggles to compose himself, then continues.
C: "So I went to look...
C: "I found Dave in the shed shagging a pig"
B: "What? A munter?
C: "No, a pig! A proper pig!"
A: "No way! I always thought he was a dirty bastard..."
B: "Just wait 'till I tell his mates. He's had it"
All 3 in uncontrollable laughter..

I don't remember the rest of it, as I was at this point busily trying to pretend I couldn't hear them, silently pissing myself with laughter along with most of the rest of the bus.
I REALLY wanted to look 'round , I just couldn't as I would have given the game away.
Brightened up my week it did.

Unapologetic for length
(Felchman, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 1:01, Reply)

My story
I was going to deliver a cup of tea to my parents in their ice-cream van, but when I arrived I overheard them having sex whilst slagging me off in a foreign language. Weird!
(logic2, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:45, Reply)

On a scuba diving trip in Egypt
I was on a boat going out to a dive site with about 10 other divers from various places - England, Germany, Holland - and a group of about 8 Russians joined us for the day. I speak fluent Russian but didn't let the Russians know this, and they spent most of the day slagging off all the other divers and the boat crew, believing of course that no one could understand them. They called me a few names too, and thought this was all absolutely hillarious.
At the end of the day as we came back to harbour I smiled at them and calmly told them (in Russian) that for future reference they might want to be a little more careful about who they slag off because you never know who might be listening.
They were utterly speechless and their faces were an absolute picture!
( Biffins Bridge, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:26, Reply)

Wikkid Little Thief
About 4 years ago I was visiting London with a friend, and we were travelling on the Docklands Light Railway. Four young chavs got on and began talking amongst themselves about how cool they were, not buying a ticket etc. One of them produced a travelcard, and was laughed at by the others for wimping out and buying one. "Nah mate," he replied, "I swiped it from this geezer at the station."

They went on to swap stories about what they had stolen in the last couple of days, and one of them pulled out a CD player from under his jumper he had taken from a shop earlier that day, proclaiming himself to be a "Wikkid Little Thief".

The smallest of the gang was just telling the others how he had chased two 6-foot black boys down an alley with a kinfe, when his mobile phone rang. Expecting to overhear a drug deal I pricked up my ears only to hear him sheepishly say "OK Mum, I'll be home in 5 minutes".

When he got off at the next stop, half the carriage burst into laughter and got scowled at by his three mates.
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:24, Reply)

In a filled resurant
that suddenly went quite a lady from accross the room said "So did he use handcuff or scarfs".

Every table pissed themselves.
(el_meerkat, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:22, Reply)

I once overheard my parents having sex.
You'd think after 5 years of therapy I'd be Ok with it now wouldn't you...
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:18, Reply)

Pretend to be French
Next time you're trying to impress a couple of up for it Essex girls in a nasty disco in 1987, pretend to be French. With any luck, the girls will start to talkaboutyouveryfastindeedbecause thenyoucan'tunderstandwhatthey'resaying. Then you'll hear little nuggets like "Are you going to let him bang you?"

Then enjoy the full glass of Cinzano Bianco that's thrown over you when you finally admit your dastardly jape.
(wazandy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:14, Reply)

Man on phone
Was walking through Gloucester city centre with a friend a couple of months back when we were approached by a man in a suit talking rather urgently into his mobile. As he passed us, we both heard a snippet of his end of the conversation;

"No, how can it be my fault? He wasn't on fire when I left!"

The mind boggles...
( Shrub Rocketeer is a twisted emotional husk, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:07, Reply)

Russians on the tube
A couple of oriental-looking girls were sat opposite me on the tube some time last year. But it turned out that they were Russian speakers - and obviously didn't consider that anyone else might be able to understand them. It seems to be quite a common affliction among foreigners in London. After criticising my dress sense (fair enough) one went on to tell the other matter-of-factly about how one of her regulars kept doing her up the arse even though she'd told him she didn't like it and he was too rough. They proceeded to debate if it would be worth finding another pimp who could get them a better class of clientele.

Another time my wife and I sat down on a train next to a Russian-speaking woman who was talking on her mobile. It turned out that she ran a scam bringing illegal immigrants into the country then getting them jobs in factories and on farms whilst ripping them off for rent and travel costs. She'd just brought 40 people into the country who'd paid her £1000 each for the privilege, but she couldn't find any work for them and they were all now penniless and starving. She was planning in detail with her partner how to do a runner and go set up shop in a different town.

Last week I was sat opposite another couple of miserable-looking Russians who weren't saying much. One of them announced to his friend that his girlfriend had dumped him, to which his friend replied 'Why, did you beat her?'
( numberbruncher - correct by nature, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:03, Reply)

I was at a house
party a few months ago.
not wanting to be laden down i left my wallet (that contained £90) and other posessions in the hosts bedroom (he's a good friend of mine).
an hour or two later i go into the room to check on my stuff only to find my money missing. ruling out any foul play on my friends part we conclude that seeing as we were 100% positive no-one had left the party the thief must still be about.

about 10 minutes later i adjourn to the bathroom and on my way out overhear the thief in one of the open bedrooms casually explaining to his mate over the phone that 'some chump left a wallet lying around, so i took the £90 that was in it'.

he didn't stand a chance of getting out of the way when i burst into the room and twatted the shit out of him.
thieving prick had to come out into the backgarden to get his belongings before he left.
he's no longer part of our circle
( applehead herp derp, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:56, Reply)

Stuff I've overheard once
I was sitting at a table, by myself, in a theatre bar, somewhere in UK, waiting for the show to start, traditional music from Eastern Europe. A bloke arrives and asks me if he can seat at the same table. I nod. He proceeds to make a phone call on his mobile, in French, probably thinking I was a local (I was born and bred in Normandy). The call lasted for about 10 to 15 minutes. He was discussing about a musician who got caught doing naughty things with an underage girl. The culprit was stuck abroad, in custody, and it seemed like he wouldn't be released before soon. I then realised the musician in question was a member of the band I was about to see. The man in front of me sounded like he was their manager. He was also a member of the band, I spotted him later on stage. The show was really good.
(Jean-Brian Zatapathique, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:55, Reply)

my eccentric but generally quite clever uncle
overheard my parents talking at a recent family meal. My mum had asked my dad about a blow torch (I really have no idea why, if you're wondering). Uncle Phil misheard or at the very least misunderstood, turned to me and said 'Golly, your parents really are into the kinky stuff, aren't they!? That's surely the ultimate blowjob!'

I laughed, in a dutiful-niece-who's-just-been-traumatised-by-mental-images way, and tried to talk o someone else at the table instead. But... oh no, Uncle Phil was determined to talk to me about kinky sex. At length. For the next quarter of an hour. It was truly, truly horrible.

Incidentally, Shane Lynch from boyzone was at the table next to us. Which was quite exciting, due to the general lack of celebrities in Jersey and the amount of pink champagne my sister, cousin and I had ingested.
( kikilookeylikey, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:52, Reply)

overheard on a bus...
One woman to another.. 'You still got that disease? y'knoe that one that gives ya an itchy vag?'
other woman 'Naw, the cream i got from the doctor cleared it all up, and he never knew I got it from his brother'.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:52, Reply)

In pub garden:
Old guy (just arrived): Right, I'll have a pint of Fosters. topped with lime, right?
Old girl: (taken aback a bit, perhaps they'd just met) Er, oh, er (bit flummoxed).
Old guy: And while you're at it, (motioning to table) you might as well take a couple of those glasses back with you.
Old girl: Isn't that the man's job?
Old guy: Don't worry about that, the barman'll pick up the glasses in a bit.
Old girl: No, isn't buying the drinks the man's job?
Old guy: Er, umm, I'm looking after the dog (motions to dog)
(Matt_D, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:52, Reply)

In another queue, this time I think it was McDonalds or something,
anyway, there is the typical charva family in front of me, a fourteen year old girl with her child in a Burberry decorated buggy (I'm not joking) and the 16 year old father.

The chav mother says something to the father of her child but it was mumbled.

Chav father says "What was that Spunktrench?"
and she answers (as if being called spunktrench is completely normal) "I just said, I think Courtney's shit herself again".
( fassit is old, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:52, Reply)

I was in a bookies once
and heard some daft bastards talking about the local greyhound track.
1st man "They cheat there, they move the traps closer to the rails!"
2nd man "The bastards"
1st man "Aye, one time I went down and said to the guy, why dont you move the traps into the middle a bit more?"
2nd man "What did he say?"
1st man "Why dont you fuck off"
( Kris Fucking Kristofferson, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:50, Reply)

I was once in the queue at a games shop
I think it was Electronics Boutique, Anyway there was a Mother and Son charva in the queue in front of me, the son was taller than me (over 6'2") and heavily built. He was also VERY loud, the conversation went like this...

Mother Charva: *mumble* *mumble*
Charva Son: AYE BUT CHRIS JERICHO DIDN'T 'ALF KICK HIS HEAD IN MAM, HE USED "THE WALLS OF JERICHO" ON 'IM AND THAT WAS THAT.

The conversation faded as they got served at the counter (no doubt for a wrestling game) and I made my purchase. On the way out they were outside the shop and seemed to be in a heated argument, as I left to go back to work I heard (even louder than he was before if that is possible)

Charva Son: NAH MAM! STEPHANIE MCMAHON STEPPED INTO THE RING. IF YOU GAN IN THE RING YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU DESERVE.

These people are our future.
( fassit is old, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:47, Reply)

I heard a girl at work
talking to one of her mates. She said that up until a year or 2 ago, she thought France was in England. Reason for this is beacuse she was going there on holiday and she was going by Coach.....
( Lanc Weekend Trailer Park Supervisor, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:38, Reply)

quim shame (not as much overheard as HEARD by everyone)
A very drunken woman staggered up to a friend in a bar and loudly proclaimed "Hello love, I know you don't I! I work at the beauticians, yeah? I do you down there, yeah?". Oh how we laughed.
(gowithnoakes, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:36, Reply)

2 kids (ok they were about 17) in soft drinks aisle in Tescos
"15p? you're joking, right?"
"No, seriously, look!"
"15p for lemonade?! Wow, If I'm ever a tramp I know where I'm going to come when I'm thirsty"
( GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:36, Reply)

stuff
Kinell, never been in here first before, must be a sign to stop lurking. Overheard negotiations on a contract being taken out on me but I don't think anything will ever co...
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:36, Reply)

on a bus
son: "mummy, can i look in the box? can i look in the box, please?"
mother: "no"
son: "aww, why not?"
mother: "because he's gone to heaven"
(moik, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:33, Reply)

I was in a cafe in baghdad once
and I overheard this bloke saying "we can deliver your sandwiches in 45 minutes"

I told my mate tony about this service and y'know what? He thought I said "sarin gas"

silly twunt
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:33, Reply)