Who's the twat?
Early morning, aged 16, going down to the school for GCSE results day with a couple of mates. 2 of the rougher 'ladies' from our pit of a school turned up in a clapped out brown Capri with a pair of 19 year old Chavs (then known as Kevs) in tow. Get out of the car by climbing through the windows, but mark my words, we're not talking Daisy Duke in hotpants here. One of them (the ginger one, as if she wasn't afflicted enough), on exiting the car, proudly proclaims:

"Let's have a look at all the twats who got A's"

Who's laughing now, and who's life ended at 17 when they got married to the first guy that got them up the duff, and now just sits around making lunches for an unloving husband and the 4 ginger turds she popped out of her tummy?

Who's only remaining ambition in life is to be on Trisha?

All because she deliberately got F's and U's in her exams to appear 'cool' to her mates.

And I'm the twat?
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:43, Reply)

Man Friday
Sitting at a beach bar on one of the more popular Thai islands, I overhear my drunken friend talking to the bar owner:

(moronically slow speech) - "So.. does the...White Man (points at himself)...come here (broad sweeping gesture around the beach)...often"

The fact that the Thai bar owner spoke perfect english and was eating a Big Mac at the time seemed to mean nothing to him.

Amazingly, he isn't American.
(Smell eep!, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:43, Reply)

My favorites:
At Windsor castle some years ago, I overheard a tourist complaining that nothing in the room looked old: it was obviously all new work, shoddily done to scam the tourists. He was very proud to have spotted this, and obviously felt quite cheated.
Well, the work was new - we were in the wing that had been burned to the ground and very recently restored. Now, a forign tourist cn be excused for not knowing this, but the only way to get into that room was by walkinmg through a five-minute exhibition about the fire, with huge photos of the flaming building and the ashen remains, and a further section on the new deisgns and restoration work. To this day I haven't worked out how he got all the way through the exhibition without actually reading it. Or at least glimpsing the four-foot pictures of the burning building.

The second one was heard at Stone Henge, on Sailsbury plain. It was a woman complaining to her husband that the British had used ugly stones, and built it cheaply, because "look, it's falling down". Apparrently we should drag the old ones away and have some nice new ones hewn and the henge re-constructed by professionals. That's us told, then.

American Bashing: The tourists I overheard were americans. I don't think americans are any more stupid than the rest of the world - every nation has its share of idiots. The fact these two are american is coincidence - plus they're almost the only tourists whose language I can understand. But in these lacking local knowlege doesn't apply - the first one walked through an exhibition explaining about the fire and thought the new stuff was a scam. If the second one didn't know that Stonehenge was fairly old, why the hell had she put effort into visiting a pile of rocks in a field?

No apologies for length, and I'm damn proud of my girth
(Not very much gravitas at all, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:37, Reply)

You do what?
Without doubt, the best thing I've ever overheard was when I was working for a broadcasting corporation. I was walking past the dressing rooms for guests, of which Reef were to be occupying. I wanted to get their signature on a couple of CD's I had so was walking past quite regularly.
Eventually they arrived, and I sauntered towards their door, CD's in hand, eager to amuse them with my jokes. For some reason, I started listening to what they were saying "And yeah man, I never use toilet paper at all! I just poo in the shower, it's so much easier! Well, you never have to wipe your arse again!"

I walked on, pissing myself. The CD's were never signed.

/Edit, oh an another snigger worthy point, I was once in Woolworths with my girlfriend at the time, when an old man standing next to us let of the wettest sounding fart of all time, followed by "oh no, not again". He shuffled of with me quite openly pointing and laughing at him!
(stav999999, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:35, Reply)

Lady students
Or how about when I was at Uni, and I overheard one female friend say to another, "Oh no, mine is all stretchy, a bit like chewing gum".

Fascinated, I decided to listen in.

I still wish I hadn't: they were talking about their vaginal discharges.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:16, Reply)

It's not just Yanks, you know
On a coach holiday in Sri Lanka a few years back, and heading into the hills, where it was, admittedly cold and misty. We were staying that night in a modern, expensive hotel.

Loudmouthed Brit: "I wonder how they keep the hotel warm?"

Tour guide: "Erm, central heating?"


Same loudmouthed Brit on pulling into Kandy: "Look! They've got traffic lights!"
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:14, Reply)

Waiting in the line at the Post Office...
...this posh lady at the front "whispers" (loudly) to a friend on her mobile: "Hold on, I'm just picking up a package from An Arab, ha ha ha".
(DayvidBerdo, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:06, Reply)

More Americans
Outside the Houses of Parliament as it comes up to 6pm. Big Ben starts with the bongs.

American man turns to American woman and says:

"Gee, they must be having a wedding in there"

He says this while standing in front of a building that can in no way be considered a church, seeing as it doesn't look anything like a church, and is towering above them, standing about 200m wide. Lobotomised twunts.
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:55, Reply)

I'm nice really
my cellar not only goes under my house but stretches under the barbers shop next door too. I noticed one day that from the cellar you can clearly hear every sound coming from the barbers....I listened for about a minute and didn't hear anything remotely interesting at all....however, I realised that if I could hear them so clearly, they could also hear me.....so for some reason, I felt compelled to announce "she's a big one...didn't half put up a fucking struggle, she's not gonna fit is she??, I'll have to chop her stubby fucking arms off too, we'll have to move her tonight"...the barbers shop then fell completely silent!....this was not long after I moved in...I've now been here over 2 years now and I've not once been able to engage the barber in conversation, or even get eye contact with the little fella?!?!....ignorant cock.
(gerrytaggart, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:47, Reply)

not overheard by me as such...
me and a mate (bob) were travelling down to bristol to see another mate from uni. All is going well until train get delayed by some other calamity just outside of manc.

Now bob and I can have fairly stupid and funny conversations at the best of times, but this one was delving into the depths... Imagine B3TA as a conversation; Badgers, Penguins polar bears the lot....

Anyhoo we manage to keep this going until we reach Bristol and we are both stood in the aisle waiting to get off the train. The bloke in the seat in front of us taps Bob on the shoulder and thanks us botyh for keeping him from going mad with boredom on the train.

He'd been earwigging our conversation and subsequently pissing himself all the way from Manchester.

Apologies for length and crapness
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:40, Reply)

Fruit woe
Let's call her Tracey, for that, in truth, was her name. She had the second biggest norks in the school, and watching her take part in Sports Day was a joy to behold for myself and my fellow teen perverts.

We all sat in the science lab, a bunch of fifteen year olds, talking loudly, waiting for the start of the lesson. Enter teacher - "Donkey" Delaney - a man so thin his neck looked like a piece of string with a knot for the Adam's Apple. The class fell silent, all except for Tracey, who was in full flow.

"...Actually, I prefer a banana. It's got just the right curve on it."

After two weeks of taunting, the headteacher banned bananas on the school premises, the humourless bastard.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:30, Reply)

Bedroom activities
Once we all got back from clubbing and at the time I was single and my mate was with his girlfriend. We all got tired and went to kip, them in the master bedroom and me in the spare room next door. Well being mullered on speed and pills i couldn't kip and it must have been the same next door.

Well the inevitable happens and i can hear banging and squelching sounds coming from next door. I listen closely to hear the sex session then i hear his girlfriend say

"Ow fucking hell I am not a gymnast" I could only imagine in his drug filled horny state he was trying to get her poor legs over her head!!

I cracked up...... then cracked one off and went to sleep.
(manny fagnet, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:21, Reply)

fruit and veg aisle
wife : "oh that's a nice one"
hubby : "whats that?"
wife : "a pear, you like a nice big pear don't you darling"

she sniggers, bloke turns red I walk off laughing.
(BadgerPirate, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:18, Reply)

old fart.
this old grave-dodger in work once thought i was talking about paedophiles when i was in fact refering to a PDF file.


He nearly shat himself when i said i was going to burn a CD. Silly cunt!
(jimpleton, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:16, Reply)

In response to the previous
there is a guy here at work who, I kid you not, has named his children Ralph and Lauren....
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:08, Reply)

On my way into work
this morning I walked past a group (pack? flock?) of very young chav girls pushing babies in prams, one baby was mumbling something and it's mother shouts "Armani, shut ya noise blood"

i want to call my offspring Evisu, Levis and Wrangler
(he who walks, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 11:01, Reply)

Sound FX only in work toilet...
Whilst occupying the only "sitter" in the gents, mny friend overheard....

(steps to urinal)
(zip of fly)
(heavy splashing)
"AAAAHHHHhhhhhh...."
(small grunt)
(Enormous flabby fart, like unto that of the water buffalo, 5 seconds fading to...)
(High pitched sqeal of last gas, 3 seconds punctated by...)
(full-stop like splut)
"ooh!"
(frantic zipping of fly)
(sound of man running from toilets, moving only from the ankles down, in the direction of the nearest free cubicle, two buldings away...)

Colleague returns to office weeping with laughter... the identity of the man who wrung it out a little too much is still a mystery.
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:53, Reply)

Checked my messages recently and .......
heard a msg from a nice sounding young girl as follows.

'Hi [blokey] how are you? - you sexy motherfucka! You fucking sexy bastard!, you unfucking-believable, sexy, fucking, mutherfucka! I can't believe last night! It was incredible! You dirty fucker?!! Can I see you again? C'mon phone me, I can't wait, I'm going to etc etc, etc'

She left 3 more V. similar messages and then the calls stopped. For a brief moment I remembered what it felt like to be young and fit and not have a care in the world. Sadly, I suspect she was only phoning my ex-dir. number 'cos blokey didn't feel the same way.....

Apologies for lack of mirth.
(gobbo, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:31, Reply)

Overheard in the pub toilets
Once whilst in the toilets at my local, I was minding my own business relieving myself after a few pints. Standing at the urinals were two men, must have been late 60s or so, both with quite rural accents. One says to the other;
"Bin a lotta trouble roun' 'ere lately"
"Yup"
"Need to sort out them 'ooligans"
"Yup"
"They ought to cut 'em up and throw 'em in the canal"
"Yup"
"Only they'd get caught in the weir"
"Yup"
At this point I hurried out, hoping they wouldn't mistake me for a hooligan.
(Sin, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:24, Reply)

Cheggers - well spotted.
Pissed in the office on the skive that day...bad spell effort true but the yanks couldn't pronounce Leicester.

I cannot spell - they don't know that.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:23, Reply)

overseeing
after a gig last night, I was hanging around outside with my friend, we saw someone trying to teach the members of yourcodenameis:milo how to ride a unicycle.

also a group of people walked past and all I caught of their conversation was "...when the next asteroids hit earth..."
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:23, Reply)

Eiffel Tower
reading some of the entries reminds me of the time I was on a crowded lift on the way up to the Eiffel tower September last year, a couple at the back kept asking the lift attendant if there was a starbucks or coffee shop at the top

The funniest thing that made everyone crack up was the french attendant calmly ignoring them pretending to be engrossed in his paperback

astonishingly the couple were AMERICANS, which seems odd, as we all know how sophisticated and cultured those people are

not!
(willtheyorwon'tthey, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:20, Reply)

two charming-looking ladies on the train yesterday evening
"he keeps trying to do me up the bum, but he gets his tag taken off next week"

and during an unexpected moment of quiet in a university staff room a few years ago a distinguished professor was heard to exclaim "and you fit the electrodes around your cock and balls" (remainder of anecdote available on written request)

but my favourite was a respectable-looking american lady standing in front of a cezanne in the musee d'orsay announcing "all europeans should be shot"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:08, Reply)

AMERICAN TOURISTS
if you take all the yank related posts out of this topic you'd probably be down to 3 pages

ROFL!
(willtheyorwon'tthey, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:07, Reply)

Best thing about tubes is being so close to listen in!
My boyfriend at the time could speak a fair bit of Russian, however two Russian girls opposite thought they could chat away freely without anyone understanding.
Throughout the short journey my boyfriend kept chuckling and I asked him to translate. It appeared that the girls were trying to work out who had the biggest cock on the tube.
My boyfriend said they had deemed him second!
( CaroWallis, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:07, Reply)

It's not really
me overhearing, more being overheard, but since most people seem to be posting demonstrations of their wit, I may as well be a sheep.

Many eons ago, when I was at shcool(I believe it was middle school, I was about 13 I think). The entire class were talking loudly as the teacher attempted to restore order.

Me and my friend were insulting each other in silly voices. Being mature like we were. With impecable timing, as the entire class went quiet after the teacher shouted "Silence!" I spouted "I spit on your head." in a stupid Monty Python accent.

I had a nice lecture about undermining authority figures and the consequences or something after the lesson. Bah.
(badger of doom http://www.trendingtracks.co.uk, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:01, Reply)

shocking man warped me forever
In Preston near the train station when some Euro footy thing was on. I heard a bloke singing at the top of his voice "three cocks up my arse one of them is bleeding" to the tune of three lions on a shirt.
That little ditty has stuck with me ever since and am regually caught singing it at work!
( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 9:55, Reply)

Dumb Old Bastard
Last Christmas While Working, I Over Heard Two Old Blokes Talking About Old Friends They Still Visit.
Then One Of The Men Said He Visits His Friend Joan Every Week After He Draws Out His Pension And Takes Her Some Dinner. Then After He'd Finished Telling The Man This The Other Bloke Said "Last Time I Joan She Was On Death's Door." To Which The Other Guy Replied "Well I Say Visit, She Died In August....." ???? Totally Befuddled I Buggered Off To Have A Little Snigger To My Self.
(chrisxsimoneuk, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 9:52, Reply)

walking through the office with my morning coffee one minute ago...
"...can we stop talking about spit roasts?"
( ChairmanMiaow Stop! Look! Kitten!, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 9:46, Reply)

Misheard
Some years ago I used to work with some very noisy computers. This meant it was very easy to mishear stuff.

One day, me and a friend were about to get the train to go home. Another friend was about to come with us when she stopped and I overheard her say, partly to herself, "Oh, I forgot, I'm driving."

Computer induced deafness made us both hear "Oh, I've got a dry vagina".
(BearWithLittleBrain, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 9:34, Reply)