Walking along the high street
Some Bloke into his phone : "You fucking divorced me, you can pay the little shit's school fees"

Class.
( bowdie, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:53, Reply)

When I was little
and growing up I lived in Wales, and as is common knowledge (or so you would think) all the population can speak English too.

So I'm in one of the shops at home and this twat comes up and speaks in a long slow and loud drone at the shop assistant- Twat:"WHERE...ARE...THE...GAR-DEN-ING...BOOKS?"
Assistant(in birmingham accent): In the corner.

Man walks off shamefaced to corner with sign saying "Plant" hanging up, browses for a minute or two before walking out the shop muttering that all the books were for children.

I can forgive that he didn't know plant is Welsh for children, but you'd think he'd have noticed that they were in a different language.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:49, Reply)

! End of the beers as we know it
I overheard some guys in a bar shouting something around about the world ending. One of the *DRUNK* men yelled "WHAT'S SO **** BAD???" (I put the **** becuase i forgot the expletitive. Guess.)) This one 19-year old brat shouted back "NO MORE WOMEN AND NO MORE BEER!" An audible gasp went through the group, but Drunk-Man said "Ah, that's too bad about the women. Any way we can save the beer?"
(ZooLurker is an angry chick with a mullet!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:47, Reply)

Just remembered
At my school in manchestoh, we have a LOT of scallies/chavs/pikies/scummy cunts.

Many funny things..

"I'm gonna lick y' in the nuts!" Translation- I am going to hit you in the gonads
"You want me to bang you from behind yo?" Translation- I am going to hit you whilst your back is turned!
"Giddy giddy Mosher! Giddy giddy Goth!" Translation- Why! Would you look at that. It seems that there is a lover of hard music and a lover of black there! (Even though both of us were rather emo)
And finally my favourite:
"Your mum's 6 inch!" Translation- ???

Comedy =)
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:45, Reply)

not sure if this is valid
but I went camping with all of my friends for a weekend, there was a disco at the camp site so we all went and got pissed, anyway my and my girlfriend decided to go back to the tent for a bit of parking the pink Cadillac...
As we are in mid flow my friend come back so we decide to keep to try and keep quiet, whilst we were still having sex my friends came into our tent to get some chairs so they could sit down.. Luckily for us we had a 4 man tent with a separate sleeping area

It was so hard to look them in the face the next day without laughing
(NO_I'M_BRIAN_BLESSED, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:45, Reply)

Nice of you to own up...
In one of those weird pub moments, when everything goes quiet for no apparent reason, I heard a young woman exclaim, "The common term for it is 'buggery' - I should know, I've had it done to me".
(minimalist ..., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:43, Reply)

Overheard whilst at the cinema...
Whilst waiting in a queue in the vain hope I might obtain first-week tickets to Barry Trotter and the Nasty Wizard Convict, I suddenly became aware (much in the way that one suddenly becomes aware of being hit over the head with a crowbar) of the loud conversation being held between two townie girls (not chavs but the others ones, the ones that think they're posh because they talk like an American Valley Girl). I can only guess at which film they were discussing, but it was clear that the rapid-speaking ginger creature on the left hadn't enjoyed it because...

" -- I mean, ohmigod, I'm like sitting there enjoying a perfectly good film and, hell-ooo! they go and spoil it with lesbians! I mean, ohmigod, I like, don't want to see lesbians, okay?"

Needless to say that one my finacee and I had noticed them we couldn't block them out, and they proceeded to talk crap for another twenty minutes, before purchasing their tickets and disappearing.

Then they came and sat next to us in the cinema and resumed their unending conversation about banal crap, blissfully unaware that there were two B3tans glaring at them, trying to make brain tumours grow inside them through sheer force of demonic will.

I wonder if it worked...?
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:41, Reply)

Re:

Male friend of mine talking to another friend who is pregnant:

"I'd hate to be a girl...I couldn't stand the pain of conception."

He's 27.
(Smell eep!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:41, Reply)

funtasticness
1) On my way home from school in manchester i heard two kids arguing (cue northern accents):

1. "I hate you cos you smell!"
2. "WELL! YOU'VE got a FAT BIIIKEEE!!"

2) During science, mr fogarty (arf, mr go farty) was explaining something, i can't remember what, but he asks everyone what the opposite to flaccid was, and during the lull in the conversation a girl behind us exclaims "erection!" and they both burst out laughing, funny thing is they hadn't heard the question and were actually talking about erections. beautiful
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:35, Reply)

Antipodean Confusion
I was on a bus the other week in Sydney when these 2 Aus-Chav types were discussing their upcoming 2 year working holiday in the UK.
1st - "so, it will be summer there, right? It's the other way round to here?"
2nd = "Yeah. Not sure what month that means it is, but. That'll be different too".

Yikes!
( Strangey is present at, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:34, Reply)

Arse Alliteration
I heard a bloke in a scummy pub's toilet tell his mate he was 'off to bum a bird in Beswick'.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:31, Reply)

Geordie Charvers again...
Travelling home from work on the Metro train system in Newcastle, we pulled into a busy Byker station, a classy place for sure. Two scabby schoolgirl charvers, about 14 years old, were messing about with the doors and making an annoyance of themselves, one got off and shouted to her rodent friend, "howay man, ya cunt!" rather loudly. I looked on in disgust, as two little old dears were sat right in front of me. Then one old lady says to the other, "Eeeeh, did yer hear that fuckin' language on that little shit?" - like I said, Byker - classy place!
(jeff-bobbins, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:26, Reply)

Fonkadelix - I don't wish to be a pedant, but
by mis-spelling Trafalgar you kind of shoot yourself in the foot there.
( Biffins Bridge, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:19, Reply)

more bristolian types
My workmate just told me about one of the old dear who used to work in our building. being an old dear, she tended to get the lift rather than the stairs. One day, my workmate was in the lift with her and as the lift took off suddenly, she said, 'Ooh, these lifts don't 'alf jerk you off!'
(counterblast to agnosticism, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:18, Reply)

More Americans
Standing at Trafalger Square bus stops overheard 2 Americans,

'Gee, so the Odeon is in Lie-sester Square, that's only round the corner from here.'

Cunts.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:13, Reply)

in reply to ministry of heresy
i'm a LARPer too - lots of occassions where we're plotting foul schemes and the barmaid comes over to collect the glasses, or suddenly a whole pub is listening to you.

(especially with the stabbing and assasination and rituals and...oh)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:10, Reply)

Back in year 10
I took history GCSE and in this particular subject we were allocated seats rather than being able to choose where to sit ourselves. As luck would have it I was given a seat right at the back next to two of the more attractive (and thus, I later found out sexually active) female members of the class.

What happened was that Amy, one of the girls, came in on the Monday morning and she had some rather suspect looking scabs above her top lip and down one side of her mouth. Now, our teacher, being wise, old, from Yorkshire and of a particularly sarcastic disposition spotted this and thought he would have a laugh at her expense. He waited for her to start talking whilst he was, as often happened and then stopped, turned to her and enquired as to the nature of her unfortunate condition. "Impetigo" she replied.
"Of course it is" followed by a knowing wink was his response.

Amy scowled at him, those of us who got it sniggered and the lesson then proceeded as normal. Just after that I heard Amy mutter under her breath to her friend Kate "Honestly, I'm going to bite the fucking thing off next time". I didn't know whether to laugh or wince and cross my legs.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:09, Reply)

My girlfiend was on holiday in Indonesia
one evening, through the thin walls of her hostal room she heard a couple getting friendly in the corridoor, muffled giggles and moans made their way past her door and fell into the room next to hers. She couldn't stop herself listening, the walls were thin and the couple were loud. A matter of seconds went by before the girl let out the harrowing cry, in a pefectly Essex accent; "Nigel, NIGEL! STOP! ... you've still got your sovereigns on!"
( Nath, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:07, Reply)

Once heard..
an old flatmate from Uni ask if you could 'fly above the stars?' She immeadiatley realised what she said, but christ almighty.

She's a civil enegineer now...
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:06, Reply)

(As all of my posts seem to begin these days. . . )
I work for a sex shop. My office overlooks the street, and we normally have the windows open, so we tend to hear the comments people make as they either walk past or come into/leave the shop. Some of the better ones:

Man to woman: "C'mon, we don't need to go in there."
Woman to man: "I've told you BEFORE! I need a bigger one!"

Female (prudish) voice: "I hope they haven't got any of that smut in there. . . "
(NB There is a massive flashing sign outside the shop that says "LARGEST ADULT VIDEO/DVD SELECTION IN THE UK")

and finally my personal favourite. . .

Man in slightly deranged tone: "I NEED some porn!"

The mind boggles.
(Highlander, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:05, Reply)

Overheard my sister....
...talking to a friend about space, and she asks:
"Is the moon really made out of cheese?"

She was 15 when she said that. Dumbass.
(Skragg, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:03, Reply)

'Cinematic...em...cock up' - D. Norden (It'll be alright on the night 7)
Not sure if I actually heard this or whether its a story I've repeated so much that its become ingrained in my mind as my own experience:

Child to father in cinema foyer - "Can I get some cock porn daddy? I WANT COCK PORN!

Then his dad nipped off to the local jazz merchant to buy him the latest issue of "EuroBoy".

As far as I can remember.
(Smell eep!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:03, Reply)

Our loudmouthed 'friends' from across the sea...
Living in Sweden, you'd be amazed how loud the Americans appear to be when they're here on holiday. (well.. probably not)

I've overheard the most amazing things...
the best being a pair of Americans sat on the train discussing the many present lasses at full volume, in lurid detail, and assuming that noone understood them... pig-ignorant loud-mouthed biggots that they can be at times...
(I now have american family members... I have to say that not ALL Americans are obnoxious)

Swedes avoid conflict if at all possible, so noone said or did anything.. to start with.

They'd embarrassed themselves badly and offended many people.. and as the journey drew to an end they got up to get off, and walked past the most stunning girl on the train, Staring at her as if she was for sale...

I take my hat off to her... she stared back and said in perfect english, "Do you realise that 90% of swedes understand English perfectly, and that you've just insulted most of the people on this train while they were sat here listening to you?"
Then with a totally dissarming smile said "Well, it doesn't matter... we all know that americans are big-headed and ignorant: that's why most of europe dispises you"

The carriage applauded. One of the two guys, obvioulsy a bit pissed about the whole thing, issued the following text-book line... "yeah? well America's the most powerful country in the world, so fuck you!"

Someone piped up in Swedish with "ja, men där fins alla världens chocka idioter där" (litterally translated 'yes, bit it's populated with all the worlds fat idiots)... a simple reposte, but it braught the house down.

They left the train amidst applause.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:02, Reply)

Deliberate
I regularly play in a national live-action roleplay game, and a lot of my mates do to. Some of us find it amusing to talk about the hobby loudly, and without any kind of context. Such things as:

"Just take outside, stab her up and take her to Berlin",

"Murdering's fair, but I can see how they'd object to rape or burning them alive"

"Yeah, spreading disease is cool. I don't reckon there's enough power to deal with that if it's, say, a mile radius."

"Nah, she's shit. Just murder her. That'll learn her. What's she going to do? Cry?"

"We need to build an army. With guns. Loads of guns."
(minister of heresy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:58, Reply)

Charver logic...
The other day I was walking over the 'blue carpet' next to the laing art gallery in Newcastle with two really scruffy charver lads in front of me - no word of a lie this is what I over heard

Charver 1: aye so like its totally fucking mint and the pigs cant do nowt about it.

Charver 2: strites? (really)

Charver 1: aye man I don't know why everyone hasn't heard of it man

Charver 2: I heard Dapsy gannin on about it but he reckons its shit.

Charver 1: fuck him man, he's stupid for still doin heroin when you get methadone for free

Charver 2: strites? free?

Charver 1: aye man, proper connin the fucking government and that man.....

and so it went on..... charvers eh? laff a minute!
(Manatee Fondler, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:52, Reply)

At the end of the rainbow
Whilst sat outside my local I overhead a parent telling her small child as a Rainbow could be seen in the distance...

"There is a cock of gold at the end of that Rainbow"
(MDH, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:44, Reply)

Protective East End family
Getting nightbus home, two very camp fellas loudly discussing the trials of 'coming out' to family and friends.

One recounts to the other how supportive his family have been following his confession and explains what happened when he was down the pub with his uncle. While drinking their pints some fella sidles up and asks his uncle 'what you doin drinking with that poof?' They decide it's best to leave and think no more about it.

Few days later, drinking in the same pub with his aunt when the same guy appears, on crutches, and hobbles over to his table where, in front of the entire pub, he loudly apologises for what he had said the previous evening.

Turns out his uncle had mentioned the incident to some other, more gangster-related members of the 'family' who had felt duty-bound to protect the honour of their young relation.
(phileasfogg, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:42, Reply)

Bless 'em
A friend overheard two old dears on a bus (cue Bristol accents...)

Old Dear A: 'Ere, you'll never guess what's 'appened to Doris. She's only gone and died!

Old Dear B: What, old Doris? That's not like 'er, she ain't never done that before...
(clapper, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:37, Reply)

The worst supermarket in the world
Not an overheard conversation, more an overheard muttering...
I used to work in a a rubbish supermarket in Devon which has now, thank god, been bulldozed to the ground. One day a customer became irrate that, yet again we were out of stock of something that he wanted. As he stormed out we heared him mutter, bizarrely, that we were all "a bunch of fucking monks"
(slinkachu, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:37, Reply)