Final one about my ex-stepfather
Whenever we had anything with baked beans, I wasn't allowed tomato ketchup "as there's loads of tomato sauce on the beans".

I didn't really like the sauce, and it certainly wasn't as nice on my chips as a drop of Heinz' finest... so I used to have brown sauce on them instead.

My little brother though (who was in fact my stepfather's REAL son) was allowed ketchup, because he didn't like brown sauce and it wasn't fair that I could have sauce on my chips and he couldn't.

Length? Quarter of a fucking century ago and that one still fills me with the same impotent frustrated disbelief it did then...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 17:13, 6 replies)

Whilst drunk and discussing the old charity shop chain Scope...

...the fact that it used to be called the Spastic society was brought up. Shocking people thought; that a shop could be named with such a derogatory name.

This lead to a question being asked, "what is the politically correct term for a spastic?"

Silence as the group ponders...

Then a lone voice, "Is it a retard?!"

O_o
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 17:03, 1 reply)

SLVA's 1:1 liquid story reminded me:
My ex-stepfather (again) read a story about the queen visiting somewhere and walking up a 1:1 slope.

"Haha, I don't think so!" he chortled. "That would be vertical!"

When I pointed out that it would be 45 degrees, as it meant 1 foot along and 1 foot up, he went and got a 12" rule, which he then held at 45 degrees. This proved I was wrong, as the rule now wasn't standing a foot high.

Producing a maths text book to back me up, I was told "Don't argue" and sent to my room for being cheeky
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 17:01, Reply)

My ex-stepfather...
Was utterly convinced, to the point of vehement argument with people who disagreed, that the tides were nothing to do with the moon. Nope, they were simply the result of all the water in the oceans slopping from side to side, due to the earth spinning.

He also fell out with my mum once over the fine hairs by a shire horse's hooves. They're called feathers, but he didn't believe this and insisted my mum had misheard, for they were correctly termed "fetlocks".
Some weeks later at the zoo my mum saw a sign by the shire horses which mentioned their feathers. Upon having this pointed out to him, my stepfather stormed off and didn't speak to her for about a week O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 16:53, 4 replies)

Any involving wimmins should be disregarded
Because everyone knows they're thick. No penis to keep brains in, yer see. Just ovaries and hormones.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Tue 23 Mar 2010, 16:50, 2 replies)

Police Intelligence
A while back I got pulled over by the police for driving at 35 in a 30 mph limit.

They let me off with a warning and a HO/RT1 form (aka a "producer") to take my MOT & insurance docs to a police station.

At the time I was still married to my first wife and the insurance was in her name with me as a named driver. So at the police station I hand over the documents and wait while the constable slowly writes down the details. He suddenly looked puzzled and went off to refer to a colleague. I heard: "Spouse - yes it means wife" (and looking over at me) "or husband".

The front desk monkey made his way back over to me. I could see the cogs in his brain had seized behind his furrowed brow. "'Ere!" he said "This insurance doesn't cover you!"
( Vambo, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 16:34, Reply)

Awwww bless...
Playing Trivial P with my parents, my then GF was asked the question "How is a black hole formed?"
She replied with "Is it when a fairy dies?"

Stunned silence from the aged parents, followed by much hilarity at her expense.

I still married the daft bint though.
(marcooosa has no idea what a board sig is, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 16:25, 12 replies)

Another ignorant teacher
Aged about 9, asked to name a creature that lives in a tree - 'A flying fox!'
I'd read about these very large bats in the family encyclopedia the evening before and was full of information about them.

No, the teacher said, foxes don't fly! and when I protested that a flying fox was actually a bat, she said 'You said 'fox', not 'bat'!'

Mrs Bosworth, I spit on your grave.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 16:18, 7 replies)

I used to work at a steakhouse
Sometimes people would ask for inches instead of ounces when ordering steaks. An example: "Could I get a nine inch sirloin?"

My reply: "I've got nine inches of loin for you."

I used to work in a steakhouse.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 15:58, 7 replies)

Checkout Touche
I was at Tesco buying a couple of things and for once paid with a tenner instead of my card. In my usual trace I said to the checkout girl: "Can I have some cash back please?"

Without a moment's thought she said
"Yes sir, it's called change".

Titters from people in queue behind as I "Um, er, ah yes, very good, ahem" my way out of the store.
( Zoblet, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 15:54, 2 replies)

White
When I was at University I used to work part-time in a food court in the city centre. The stall I manned sold ice cream and pancakes. I had a big pink neon sign above the counter which read "Hot Pancakes".

More than once a member of the public came up to the counter to ask "I see you've a sign there that says "Hot Pancakes", do you sell pancakes?"

Also the old women who'd come and ask for an ice cream. I had 19 flavours of ice cream on sale. I'd say "What flavour?" and they'd answer:
"Just White"
They'd get coconut every time.
(Saltheart, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 15:53, 1 reply)

The Time Traveller
It's not that he lacked intelligence, just that he thought Blackburn was in a different time zone to London; not technologically or fashionably or even attitudinally.

No, he didn't entirely lack intelligence, he just happened to think the time zone from Blackburn to London differed longitudinally.

That's why he missed his flight by an hour.
( Moey, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 15:51, Reply)

I recently finished a government-funded course
for people who want to start small businesses.

The proposed business can't be anything that would bring the government or the course into disrepute.

This includes vibrators.

The New Age 'healing' centre one of my coursemates is going to start is fine though.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 15:36, 2 replies)

AOL
The CEO made a right tit of himself on opening the new office giving a big speech about how he was keen to increase the UK footprint and how important it was for AOL to have a UK head-office...

Shame the new office was in Dublin, Ireland
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Someone mentioned serving suggestions
There used to be a cheap brand of orange squash that could be found on the shelves of Kwik Save. The label had the words "Serving suggestion" underneath an illustration of some oranges. I'm not sure how I could've served it in the form of the original oranges. It's like a packet of beefburgers showing a picture of a cow as a serving suggestion.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 14:40, 1 reply)

It's hard to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
A 'sports fan' on watching an Olympic swimming event on the TV in the office -

Him - "Some of these swimmers are like fish. They ARE just fish, that's all there is to it"
Me - "Like fish?"
Him - "Yeah, some of them have webbed feet and everything".
Me - "I doubt they have webbed feet, and besides fish don't have feet"
Him - "Well, flippers then. Fish have flippers"
Me - "No - fish have fins. Seals and turtles have flippers".
Him - "Well seals are fish".
Me - "What!!?? Seals are fish???"
Him - "Well, they are a sort of fish".

You see - this is what watching sport does to the brain.
(marcooosa has no idea what a board sig is, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 14:38, 1 reply)

An old friend of mine had some corkers.
My favourite was when she was trying to remember the name of a dinosaur (no idea what the context was).

"You know, the one with the ah, things... a Vuh... a, er, Stuh... uh... HEXAGON!"

My second favourite was ingenious (and arguably ingenuous):

"Where does the Circle Line end?"

Edit: she also had a corking pair of corkers.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 14:13, 8 replies)

Effing biblical
I had a friend a Uni called Zara (or something like that) who came out with the most adorably gormless things I've ever heard. Once, talking about our grades, she informed me that she was 'clinically slow'.
Once asked me which month had thirty-three days in it.

Her best was during some drunken bickering, as I'd just snogged somebody's psychotic ex in a darkened club.

Injured Party: You fucking Judas, frecklebomb.
Zaria: What's a Judas?
IP: You don't know who Judas is?
Z: Oh, it's a person!

Bless her, she seemed really happy to be in the know after that...
(sporadically, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 14:08, 1 reply)

Pretty much everything she says
www.debbieschlussel.com/
( Weetobix, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 14:03, 6 replies)

I had just started work in a new office for an energy company and was sitting next to my assistant manager, going through the mail.
Me: "We've got a letter here from our company where a customer has sent in a cheque for their electricity account but we don't know what account they're referring to. Do you know what department it needs to go to?

Assistant manager: *stares blankly at letter for five minutes before a sudden eureka expression lights up her face* "Do you know what this is? It's a letter from our company where a customer has sent in a cheque for their electricity account but we don't know what account they're referring to. You'd better forward it to whatever department deals with this."

Me: "Uh... wha... you... no wait, seriously?"

This was the first of many similar incidents. Shortly afterwards, the moron in question got promoted to manager. I am very glad to say that I don't work in the industry anymore.
( Damien's Hearse, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 14:01, Reply)

Haha, right, this one time, I was trying to explain something
to someone who didn't have any knowledge of the subject area to which I was referrring....

needless to say, they looked rather foolish and I felt incredibly smug!
( Malaka omdz, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:51, 9 replies)

If it looks like a duck.......
The charming Professor has 'minded me of another of "sandra's" magic moments.

I'd like a price on some duct tape.
Duct tape.
Duct!
You know, duct tape - quack quack.
( porky, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:35, 13 replies)

Lloyd Grossman Cooking Sauce Advert

"I've come to Bologna,Italy, where Bolognese sauce originates to test out my new sauce" Grossman spouts. Or words to that effect. Its the words "where Bolognese sauce originates" that really fuck me off.

I'm not sure what's worse,
That there are fuckwits out there that are so ignorant that they need a tv advert to tell them that Bolognese sauce originates from, wait for it, Bologna!* Wow what a handy coincidence/stroke of luck.

or

There are arse champions in advertising/media that felt the need to indulge the ignorance of the fuckwits by dumbing down television to such an extent that nobody actually needs to think anymore as they are spoon fed all the knowledge they'll ever need like some disgusting thick stupid slop, much like the taste of the Bolognese sauce in question I imagine.

Cunts




*and that Bologna is indeed a place in Italy. I'm surprised they didn't carry on by saying it's near France, in Europe, The World etc
(Don't tell him Pike i'll probably just stay in, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:29, 11 replies)

Spanish fail
I was visiting some friends near Malaga and staying in there villa. My Spanish was (and is) kinda basic - I'm good in restaurants and bars but thats about it.

Swimming in their pool one day, it was a little cold so I started saying "mi fresa" thinking I was saying, I'm cold.
Of course, seeing the spainards rolling about laughing already told me I'd made a mistake.

Fresa means strawberry >.<
(EvilMeister, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:27, 10 replies)

Me and my best mate were talking about the movie...
...Sexy Beast to an american girl who was traveling around europe and staying with my mate for a bit.
We were saying how good sir Ben Kingsley was in it.
She didn't know who he was, so we said 'He's the guy that played Ghandi' and she replied:

'In what film?'.
(bunglist, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:24, 2 replies)

Just this very day...
My phone is away being repaired and the bog standard loaner I was given finally lost the novelty retro value so off I wandered to the Carphone Whorehouse to grab a new one.

Chose the phone, went to the counter and went through the rigmarole of actually purchasing the goods - name, address etc. - all went well until the postcode:
"So, wos yer postcode?" inquired till monkey.
I gave him it, then repeated it in the phonetic alphabet as I usually do to prevent mistakes...only to see him typing on the keyboard '2 echo lima'

*facepalm*
( snee held his breath since, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:18, 2 replies)

One of my colleagues, last week...
"Now that they're not allowed to refuel in Formula 1, are they going to start the races with enough fuel to get to the end?"

I said "No, they're going to start with the same amount of fuel as they used to, but just race until they run out. The winner will be the driver who's done the most laps"

She would have believed me too, if I hadn't then said "Of course they will, how else are they going to do it?!"
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:13, 1 reply)

Not naming names...
How about this for ignorance?

On a UK (or Europe) localised copy of a popular word processor, the dictionary defaults to "English (US)" - Doesn't that defeat the point of localising it?
(Sir Trusty Jockthrust pretending to be an astute fellow as of, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:12, 4 replies)