Bombs Away
Was talking to a friends neighbour a few weeks ago. Got talking about his WW2 exploits. After surviving Monte Cassino he was being shipped to another adventure holiday. Cue him sitting on ships toilets in middle of ocean, uncontrollable diarrhoea and bowel cramps. That's the moment the Germans chose to torpedo them.
(albinomeatpod, Tue 6 Sep 2005, 0:13, Reply)

Musical Arse
Mastic's tale of director based toilet terror strikes a particular chord for me. Y'know, I don't pay my staff to shit in a work environment, I pay them to work in a shit environment.

Anyway... Nothing is more horrifying than going into the bogs an hour after lunch, and hearing people blow ear-ringing echoing farts in a kind of parody of language. The ones that sound like someone asking a question, then another person grunting a reply in an R2-D2 style.
(zane, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 22:19, Reply)

phantom crapper, et al
at school (boarding) there was a phantom crapper. instead of using the toilet the crapper would lay a really, really fat turd alongside the bog, like you don't.

the chief suspect was C**** M****** who, being a bit/lot fat, was ajudged the be only person able to squeeze one so fat out of his fat arse.

a teacher, turning one of these turds over with a biro exclaimed 'hmmm, it must be someone quite meaty ' (true)

very well known nightclub, pre new season and I'm there doing what I was doing and asked one of the 'managment' where the bogs were. 'do you mean the toilet' came the snooty reply (from a fucking scally chancer) aye, that'll do, sez I. as I entered the door through which I had been dismissively directed I was greeted with some sights you really don't need to see. trap 1: solidified dihooria-hi-hay all up the back of it. trap 2: same ! trap 3:most of pan missing, shit everywhere. this is after the club had been shut for a week, midwinter, so the shit was solidified. I used the 'differently abled' bog which was pristine and remarked to the manager 'I was right first time, it's a definately a fucking bog' pity the fool I saw going in there with a petrol powered pressure washer ...

me ? I'm civilised, having only ever used a portaloo once (this august bank holiday, actually) and only after I'd seen it delivered and knew that nobody else had used it, I'm still traumatised by the experience and experience has taught me to hold poos for days.


ignore the length, feel the girth
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 22:19, Reply)

I had a memorable weekend away a month or so ago
Field, drunkenness, 4 portaloos... you get the idea.

Anyway, Friday night I went to do my business in one of said portaloos and was confronted by a used condom planted neatly in the middle of the toilet seat, so naturally I laughed, used another toilet, and recounted my find to my boyfriend on my return to bed.

Saturday morning, once again, the urge struck me and I dashed off. Wary of the previous night's find, I plumped for the second toilet in the row, only to be greeted by a pair of heavily soiled boxers on the floor. Retching copiously, I went for the third toilet, which was of a tolerable standard in comparison, and went about my business.

By Saturday night I was a bit more wary, and watched the bogs for a while before going to them to check for any suspicious activity. Eventually, I went again for the third toilet in the row of four, thinking that nothing could possibly be worse than some poor sod's shitty kecks - but no, I was greeted by the frankly mind-boggling sight of at least half a dozen used sanitary towels scattered about the place, a couple of them even stuck to the walls. I can't even begin to comprehend the logistics of that one.

Funnily enough, I avoided the facilities on Sunday and held it in until I was back in the safety of my own bathroom. I dread to think what vile, terrifying surprise could have awaited me in cubicle no. 4.
( useful_idiot, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 22:15, Reply)

Celebrity Shit
Rather than say how poor public toilets are, I will instead tell you about the time I had the pleasure of using a public facility in north London right after legendary bummer Stephen Fry. There was U-bend blocking turd accompanied by a family of small, diahorrea - like formations. He looked embarrased as he left.
(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 21:58, Reply)

And a scary one...
Going back a bit further, I was at primary school and - kids being kids - someone ran into the loo, bumps into someone and they hit their head against the sink. Not hard enough to cause any major damage, but enough to be irritating.

Anyway, on hearing this, our psycho headmaster decides to close the loos for the next break. So he can repeatedly bang this kid's head against one of the sinks in there for the full fifteen minutes.

Ah, "the happiest days of your life", eh?
( esganorp has no hummus, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 21:57, Reply)

Not a recent one, but...
I'm standing there, at work, having a wee, and a guy from the office on the floor below (mens loos on one landing, ladies on the next, meaning everyone has to walk half a flight of stairs to the loo).

Anyway, this guy comes over, looks across and says "Oh. Are you Jewish or did you go to public school?"

Suffice it to say that my only reply was a rapid exit...
( esganorp has no hummus, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 21:55, Reply)

Ooooh... just remembered one...
I used to work at a certain train station, and felt the need to relieve myself in the public loo.

While I was sat on the said loo happily doing the deed, another chap came in. "Hello," said he.

"Hello," said I.

"How are you?" said he.

"Fine, how are you...?" said I.

At which point I realised he was talking on a mobile phone to some other twunt. I stayed on that loo for fifteen minutes until I was certain he had left and his train *must* have departed.

Funny thing is a very similar tale keeps turning up in one of those chain-email jokes. No fecker will believe my story now. Oh well.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 21:23, Reply)

While I was still in school...
...I was sent on work experience to a local garage, where I had the pleasure of working under the title 'Junior Motor Mechanic' (altho, I mainly made tea all day!).
Anyway, one day we came in and due to a particularly cold night previous; all of the water pipes had frozen solid. Now, anyone will know that water expands when frozen thus destroying the exposed pipes and reheating quickly is not a wise idea.
Cue the boss enter the toilet (which is filled with exposed pipes), with a space heater.....Cue sceams, as freezing water sprays from every angle!
And he ran the place!!! I didn't really feel safe working there after that!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 21:20, Reply)

work worries
At work the other day taking one of my "can't be arsed to work it's 15 minutes from lunch lets waste some time" dumps.

Guy enters cubical next to me and starts grunting away - obviously having to wrench the fucker from his bowels.

This is then followed by an almighty drawn out fart. BUT the worst bit is the little ploop sound as the turn makes a landing.

He repeats this action and I'm struggling not to have a hernia or something laughing and he starts with the swearing "oh shit..oh fuck me... phhhhhhharrrrrtttt ploop".

I which point i'm pulling pubes out and biting fingers off to stop my self from laughing as I realise from the voice it's one of the directors.

I managed to compose myself enough to flee the bogs my eyes streaming like I was having some kind of emotional breakdown. And just as I exit the door...

aahhhhh shit...pleeeeeasssee --- phhhhhhhhhhharrrrttt....ploop

Needless to say I had to go sit in my car for 20 minutes with the radio on loud pissing my self with laughter - the strange looks I got from the windows suggest people thought I might be topping myself or something.
( Mastic, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 21:16, Reply)

Erm hello
Whilst on a recent night out I was enjoying the usual consumption of the beers and felt the usual sudden desperate need for a wee. I strolled into the toilets breaking my intense concentration, aimed at keeping me walking straight, long enough to look up and see all the urinals were in use. No problem, thinks I, for look, the last cubicle in the row has the door open. Get in!

And get in I tried to do, only to be greeted by the heart warming sight of a charver (chav to you non-northerners) straining out a difficult shit. Yes the lovely young man had left the door open so everyone walking past had a lovely view. Charver? Charmer more like.

The bad thing was that such was my level of drunkenness (and desperation for a wee of course) my brain only caught up with what was going on when I was standing directly in front of him undoing my fly.

The only thing I could think of to say was "Erm hello." and then left the cubicle as quick as possible.

Worse still was standing waiting for one of the urinals to become free in a 'I just nearly got my cock out two inches away from the face of a bloke having a shit, but I'm definitely not gay and definitely not looking at your bits while I'm waiting to go, honest' sort of way.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 21:07, Reply)

Shitty Toes
When on holiday in America, the me and the rest of the family whent for a meal in a cheap all you can eat place just after visiting the beach (and as such, was still wearing my sandals). At some point in the meal I required to use the toilet, and after releaving myself in the cubical, I flushed, and turned to leave. However, I did not leave fast enough. By the time I had got one foot safely out of the cubical, the toilet over flowed, covering my remaining foot in the reminiants of the gigantic turd that had, unseen been blocking the toilet.
It must have been an interesting sight for the next person to enter the toilet, with 2 bemused looking staff members, a puddle of shitty water, and me, desperatly washing the shit from imbetween my toes...
(Krizog, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 20:28, Reply)

Oh, and another scat related incident
While in a local gaff called The Tavern, me and my girlfriend were having a meal one weekend.

There is a breif skirmish with the bar staff. One bloke goes in the toilets and he is like "That's fucking minging!", another goes in and come out and goes "That's fucking rank!, I am bar staff and I AM MOT cleaning that fucking thing up".

I went for a leak not long after. Another guy to his misfortune goes into one of the cubicles and nearly throws up, and runs off saying "Ohhh fuck that is SOOOO WRONG!!".

Someone had artfully taken a dump fair and square onto the toilet seat,

Wrongness....
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 20:27, Reply)

Window lickers at school...
when I was wee boy back at school in year 11, one lunch time a mate comes up to me and says "dude you have to see this..." so I follow into the facilities, and then right in the middle of the floor next to the sinks is giant turd.

Jus lying there....long story short everyone wasn't allowed into school at lunch times for a week cos of some spacker and this was the middle of december...nearly lost my nuts to the cold.
(JogDMC, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 20:20, Reply)

Chemistry Lesson
When I asked my mum about a scar on her leg she told me a tale of my dad and his best getting severly drunk one evening.

My dad's mate for some reason owned a large chunk of sodium...can you see where this is going?

Anyway looking for a good idea my dad came up with the gem of lobbing the lump down the can...but said can was made of plastic.

Cue molten toilet flying everywhere.

Inspired by this young Mastic (aged 14 -circa '94) saw some unatttended potassium in a chemistry lab at school. Eager to emulate the great deeds of my father I took a couple of mates to the nearist poop chute and emptied the load into the pan.

Instead of one big lump of sodium I had several smaller lumps of potassium (slightly more reactive). All I remember was purple flames then the bangs started. James decided the best plan was to flush the loo...bad idea it just angered it.

We fled for our lives and heard more louder bangs.

Cue 2 days later sat in the deputy head's office watching a CCTV replay of 3 lads running out of the little boys room followed by clouds of billowing smoke and steady stream of water flowing behind.
( Mastic, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 20:20, Reply)

The bogs in China
are the worst fuckers in the world, not suprised with the stuff they eat :/
(orderoftheflame, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 20:18, Reply)

The grimness of public toilets
They are indeed quite, quite grim.

I had the misfortune to crimp one off in St Johns Market toilets, the ones that are one the top floor with Virgin Records. One time there was one bloke trying to arrange a meet for some “bum fun” in the next cubicle, which was pretty horrific. Fortunately I managed to finish off my dump or they left and got disturbed by other people wanting to use the facilities.

Another time in the same toilets, I became the unwitting contributor to “Nesting”. I really needed to go and therefore had no other alternative but to add my own cable to the cable that was already there sitting in a nest of toilet paper. Fuck knows what the next person must have thought when I exited the toilets.

The worst toilets I gave ever witnessed are at a rock night gaff called “The Krazyhouse”. Now, when you first show up the toilets are relatively clean. And then more and more people show up inevitably using the facilities and it becomes a fucking evil stinking cess pool in there. Combined with the inadequate ventilation which causes sauna like conditions (even in the middle of winter) in the whole of the building, it can get really fucking rank. And, don’t you just hate the dirty bastards that piss on toilet rolls?

One time while having a leak, there was a pretty impressive pool of “vom” in the urinal. A guy having a leak like myself chirped up “Good god, look at that…someone has actually left behind an entire intestine in here!!”

I can’t blame people for having a fear of having a dump in public toilets, and prefer to lay cable in the privacy of their own home toilets.

Utterly, utterly grim…

(woo hooo! I stuck to the point!!)
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 20:14, Reply)

Testicle in the water.
Whilst on an eventful trip to Dublin to celebrate a mate's 21st birthday, we holed ourselves up in the Youth Hostel and proceeded to spend the weekend getting incredibly wankered.

On the day of our departure, my mate Dave walked into the room ashen faced.

"What's up mate?"
"Dude, you need to see this. Someone has dropped a bollock."

Not quite understanding what he meant, we proceeded to one of the cubicles to see floating in the (bloody) water, quite innocuosly, a testicle. Honestly. When I got back I looked up on t'interweb, and it was without doubt a human bollock.

Now, here is the problem. We guys were the only blokes on that floor of the hostel. I know it was not me, and Dave swears blindly he has not lost one. So to whom did the phantom nut belong? How did it get there? Why?

I may not have length or girth, but I do have both testes.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 20:11, Reply)

its one of those 'not me but a friend of mine..' stories
During a maths class in year 8 (ahh, happy days) this lad asks to go to the toilet. the teacher lets him and he leaves the room. a week later, he returns.

we later found out that he did go to the toilet but had diahera (sorry, i cant spell for shit, geddit?!) and then went home to empty his stomach for a week. the poor guy endured a year of various jokes and names, and didnt dare ask to go to the crapper during a lesson again.


i think i'll go on my toilet now and try and have some kind of wacky experience so i can submit a more interesting post. wish me luck. cya soon.....
(donkey boy, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 19:06, Reply)

Ummmm....
I met all of McFly in the queue for the loos at the Milton Keynes Bowl....There's nothing quite like your mates quoting Tre Cool as a conversation killer.
"Hey! P-nut - you can go take a dookie now!"
(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 19:01, Reply)

When I was about 5
My Grandad took me to a public bogs in Woodford in London as I needed to crimp one off do a shit. While I sat there my Grandad noticed a pooftah pervy bumgay peeping through a hole in the wall. My Grandad took out his pen and punched it through the hole in the tiled wall. There was a huge agonising scream and the pen dissapeared through the "funhole". It must have stuck right in his eyeball!

Don't know or care what happened to the filthy bastard, but my Grandad had to buy a new pen. What kind of complete cunt gets his jollies off on a five year old having a dump?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 18:56, Reply)

On holiday in Spain with friends
I got struck down with 'travellers tummy'. It was on the last night, and my friends wouldn't let me stay home, so I reluctantly went clubbing with them. It didn't take long before I needed to open my bowels. My first reccy of the toilets told me that there was no paper in them. I tried to get some from the bar, but couldn't make myself understood. I found a couple of napkins and headed back in. I now found that the door had no lock, and wouldn't stay shut, so i had to lean forwards all the way to ensure my privacy. At this point, my sphincter gave up, and I sprayed copious amounts of filth directly backwards. Sweating, and close to passing out, I turned round to see that I had basically painted the wall with liquid shit. At least I could wipe my arse, and I think the barstaff may have worked out what I was after in the first place. I certainly didn't stay to find out.
( slippymark does not require lubricating, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 18:04, Reply)

Toilets...
My good friend had an amazing trick when he was a kid. He had a very tight foreskin, which caused him to piss with a fine, powerful, laser-like piss that could jet out at a terrific angle. He used to angle himself and piss through the toilet windows which were about five feet above the toilet . He could develop such an angle that kids in the playground were often soaked by an extremely distressing stream of piss from nowhere.
The toilets at the time where on the second floor!

Also, Soap sandwiches... Not me, but another lad in primary school once replaced a rather dim kids cheese sandwiches with that smelly pink liquid soap. The lad ate them and was violenty sick sometime later in the classroom. The sink was bubbling, foaming and dripped down slowly from the table like a strange pink,pukey gell.
(Kayozz, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Too quiet pubs
Me and my mate gary are out on the piss in a bit of a rough house with only a handful of old blokes around. A fairly quiet beer shop. Unhappily I need to go for a poo and its so quiet in pub that every one can see who's going in and out the crapper
I sneak in and out and I think I've been discrete, no big noises in there or anything andi come out and get on with drinking pint. However within 5 minutes the whole bar notices the barman getting all busy. Overalls on, mop and bucket, bottles of bleach, plungers, rods, you name it. .
A regular shouts to him "hey tam, whits up like?"
"some cunts done a shite in there that'd choke a horse"
Me and gary put down pints in a hurry and leave.
(davroid, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 16:57, Reply)

DM druggies
A friend of mine and I went to a Depeche Mode concert back in 1990 and saw a bunch of people doing coke (and presumably other things) off the toilet seat in a public restroom.

Eww on both counts!
(darkmage, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Ouch
I once stung my froo froo on a stinging nettle whilst peeing in a very dark field.
(Sameranda, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 16:39, Reply)

A friend of my stepdads
Managed to go through about 40 years of his life fairly limited in his travel, but was well aware of the strange customs and sanitation solutions that France had to offer.

So he was in no way surprised when entering the small cubicle at the campsite in France he was staying at, to be presented with nothing more than a concrete slab and a hole. This did not bother him in any way, so he proceeded to take a dump. Being considerate he looked for some kind of flush/hose with which to wash down his poo, as it seemed to have trouble going down the 4 inch hole with a metal grill over it. He did finally find a tap on the wall, which released flowing warm water from overhead, and seemed to disintegrate said poo enough to get it down the chute.

He also didnt bother to look back at the sign that said "douche" on the door as he left the block.
(mrpaulo shaving the world, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 16:36, Reply)

Silverstone Mong
On my way to Silverstone I went into the poshest motorway service station in the UK. Everything was ship shaped and bristol fashion, had a nice coffee, two bennie hedgehogs and finished it off with by laying a cable in the cleanest cubicle I had ever seen.

Whilst washing my hands I noticed a peculiar hedgemonkey struggling with the star trek taps. They were the type where you simply wave your hands infront of them and they work, if this proved too difficult to work out they handily supplied a large clear diagram. He, unfortunately could not understand the language that they had been drawn in and walked from sink to sink getting more and more confused. He finally plucked up the courage to ask how they work. " You need to say 'tap on' mate, or they won't work" I left listening to him saying "tap on" to each and every sink.
The scariest thing is that it was quite possible that he drove to the service station and is now, as we speak, legally driving around this country unable to understand simple images brrrrrr.
( spingers, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 16:29, Reply)

Typewriter pants
On holiday in Granada, on a bit of a day long bender, and got caught short with what I knew was going to be a messy one. Ran, full pelt into the nearest bar, headed straight to the little room at the back. Place was a mess, but passable. Had one of those nasty shits where your legs fly out in front of you from the exertion. Still, the relief bought a satisfied smile to my face, until I looked for something to wipe my arse with. Nothing hanging from the holder, so I reached up, thinking 'I'll use the old un-peel the cardboard roll' trick, to find, in my hands, and pair of freshly shit-covered nylon y-fronts. The thing that sticks in my mind to this day was that they were of a design featuring multicoloured typewriters. I thought they were quite nice, but the previous occupent obviously though nothing of wiping his shitty arse with them and stuffing them back in the holder for the next hapless shittee (me) to discover.

Oh yeah.. and in New Orleans on New Years Eve we flooded the toilet (this was a few years ago, we were not responsible for recent events) so that nuggets of poo were overflowing to the hotel bathroom floor. We convinced the janitor who came to fix it that no amount of money was worth having to work on a NYE night cleaning up pissed up Brits poo. He promptly quit and came out on the lash with us. Nice work fella!
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 16:25, Reply)

Berliners ain't so shy - ugly dollops!
Was on trip to Berlin with college a couple of years ago. Many, many groBbiers, many wursts, and lots of sauerkraut were playing havoc with my tract. Ich habe ein katzenjammer (can't remember past tense now dammit).
We wandered about in Berlin for ages trying to find a public toilet to relieve my self-inflicted bum-danger.
I found a row of (empty!) stalls in a shopping arcade, went to the last cubicle and prepared myself for blast-off.
Then I heard some fraulein thunder in and get into the stall right next to mine (in an empty bog-house), drop her kecks, and have the noisiest, porcelain-spatteringly loud plop that I have ever heard.
This must have offended the Englishness in me - toilet noise is sacrosanct and must not be heard by anyone, as other posts in this qotw have attested.
So then I had to leave without completing the job, in great discomfort, as this hausfrau was blasting her bum off.
(tickled_egg, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 16:13, Reply)