Leeds Festival 2003
At least one set of the campsite toilets that year were just 1 huge trough with stalls placed over the top. I go and take a quick pee, then go to the entrance to wait for my girlfriend. She comes out a while later white as a sheet and on the verge of tears.

Turns out she had got a bit of splashback from the huge trough. Grim.

Made only grimmer by the fact that she only went for a pee, and the splashback was from someone else's shit.
(FiftyFour, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:22, Reply)

pissed off or on
When I was younger at a party, a kid passed out on the side of the toilet after blowing chunks.
We pissed inches from his face all night long.
(johndavid, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:16, Reply)

Loos
This happens far too often. Context: I'm female and six foot tall. I join the queue in the ladies, only to have the person in front of me half turn round and jump half out of their skin. Yes, I am a woman, no I'm not a transsexual, and yes I am in the right toilet.
(mw, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:05, Reply)

yes me!
i'd been booked to travel to a big posh place off kensington (as much as i'll give away), opposite the french embassey, unfortunately i was travelling from Newbury to Paddington, and had felt like i'd been on the p*** since 6 that morning, and this was only 7am at the office in Newbury.

Was only going there to pick up 2 laptops, had the nouce to grab a taxi outside Paddington station (hate the tube).

couple of hours in, admiring the fine the 'architecture' of this place, ha, i bet they do have personality these girls :)

i am feeling dreadful, pop into some pub off fulham road, i had no intention of going back to the office, so i was trying to get to Waterloo to get home instead.

Spent what musta been half an hour off loading the world, with all manner of weird tourist types banging on the door, Aussies, Japanese, Yanks, the usual, in a bog the size of a brief case.

This isn't the end, felt constantly like i had an incendry device up my arse waiting at Waterloo, passing Clapham, then got off at Basingstoke, off loaded the kids at the nearest pikey pub, looks just like the loo in Trainspotting (i kid u not) near pebble dash the place even more, no bog roll, so i'm glad of Job sheets and timesheets (any field engineer will know!!)

This doesn't let up at all for the next day or so, finally get to the docs and do a stool sample.... i've got a Campilobacteria Kidney infection!!! no bowel control 4a week (bad spelling, but anyone thats had kidney infections'll know)

Sorry 'bout the length, but that's how it curled out
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 20:50, Reply)

Two stories spring to mind.
Neither of them very good, but, meh . . .

1) Aged 19 at a friend's house while his parents were away. After consuming much alcohol (hey, it wouldn't be a QOTW story without that sentence) we found a very old jar of home-made pickled onions. Very old. So, naturally, we all dared each other to eat them.

Some time later I was sitting on the couch when I got a "certain feeling". Hand clamped over my mouth, I rushed to the downstairs loo. I made it in there ok. There was just the small matter of the toilet seat, which unfortunately I didn't have time to raise. I spewed all over the seat, floor, walls and, I dare say, curtains. Not normal spew, either. No. This was spew containing massive chunks of partially digested pickled onion.

I'm told they had to completely redecorate the loo.

2) Not on a par with that, but it made me quite mad at the time. A few weeks ago I was in a sophisticated drinking establishment in a vibrant, bustling city. (Ok, it was Revolutions in Wolverhampton.)

In the toilets there is a man who will try to sell you aftershave and so on. Not my idea of a great career, but there you go.

I was standing next to some ozzy geezer, who was chatting to toilet bloke. I finished at the urinal and went to walk out. The toilet bloke said "wash your hands" as I went past, but I just snorted derisively. Just as I was almost out the door, the ozzy goes "Dirty bastard." Now, this is a pet peev of mine.

"Oy!", I said. "I'm not going to wash my hands because I don't need to. Firstly I practice good hygiene - in fact I probably have more germs on my hands than on my knob - and secondly because we don't piss on our hands in this country" and I stormed out.

Well, actually, I *thought* of saying that on my way back to the bar but the moment was kind of lost.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 20:45, Reply)

Not exactly the toilet, but near enough (or not, as the case may be)
My good friend has an ileostomy bag. She had her large intestine removed, and the end of the small intestine comes out through a small hole in her tummy. She sticks her ileostomy bag over this hole (it has sort of plaster glue on it), and her poo goes in there instead of out of her bottom. Then she empties it into the toilet when it's full. Very funny when she's gassy cos it sort of puffs up with fart, but I digress.

She was in bed one night, when the glue on her bag failed. Now, the poo in this doesn't go through her colon, remember, so it's all runny and pongy, like diarrhea. So when the bag fell off as she was tossing and turning, the contents went all over her, the bed, the duvet...

...and her boyfriend who was sleeping there too.
(Pachey, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 20:33, Reply)

no so much the toilet...
One night a fair while back me and my mates (ed and ad) were in some manchester uni building to see some band or other. Having had a few drinks before wandering to the venue we decided on arrival that a piss was in order. So to the gents we went.

As i went in i saw the fancy if unusual 'sink' (essentially a steel fountain with constantly flowing water to wash your hands in) and a few guys washing their hands before leaving. I wandered to the far end of the room to make toilet.

Once i was done i turned round to find ad and ed washing their hands, chatting hapily round the 'sink'. Sadly as i got closer it became obvious that they were not actually washing their hands... more like pissing in the 'sink'.

I don't think i've laughed so hard.
(Predatory Sock, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 20:22, Reply)

probably an old wive's tale (or husband's - but what the hell...)
A friend of a friend of a friend (isn't that how these all start?) was 17 and just coming to terms with the fact that he might be a bona fide 'bumgay'.

From the rumours at school, he had managed to glean information that there was a local public toilet where you go into a cubicle and wait. On the right hand side of the cubicle is a hole, where men of all shapes and sizes insert their custard chuckers for you to pleasure.

After waiting in the aforementioned cubicle for about 10 minutes, low and behold a one eyed trouser snake appears. Desperarely seeking his first sexual experience, the 17 year old proceeds to nosh down for some liquid refreshment.

After a few minutes, a note is slipped under the door saying

"if you want to go further, meet me outside in 5 minutes..."

Not wishing to pass up the opportunity, he waits the 5 minutes and heads off outside. Unfortunately, the only person waiting there (with a rather expectant look on his face) is



his father.




He apologised for the length (so i dont have to)
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 19:55, Reply)

Sorry , Lady
Once I was invovled in a traffic accident. While waiting for the tow truck and cops to do their thing I got THE URGE! I do a dash across 6 lanes of freeway traffic to a little office attached to a refrigerated warehouse. Once inside I politely asked a grey-haired grandmother-like receptionist to point me to the restroom. After finding it "closed to public", I begged and pleaded with the poor old lady, explaining that I was about to shit all over the reception area of her office.She grudgingly pointed down the hall. Once inside I was to the point of doing a little dance while trying to get my jeans down to my ankles. I bent to sit on the throne, but exploded literally a full foot above the seat.I had just shit on every last thing in that little room. I had shit on every piece of clothing I had on. I had shit on the door knob. I could do nothing in an attempt to clean this mess. I just pulled up my jeans, shit and all, and walked right through that office as fast as possible. I doubt that old granny had a job the next day.
(b3ta2, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 19:48, Reply)

And another
One of the lads I used to work with had a tendancy to sleep walk. One night, his missus woke up to find him pissing into the wardrobe.
(Hagis, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 19:48, Reply)

Trainspotting
It was a Sunday, the last game of the season was on and I enjoyed a few pints of Guiness with a friend in the pub and watched the footy. We went to another pub, I had some lager and feeling quite drunk had a kebab.

Next day I was driving to work and just as I got out of the Mersey tunnel I felt a horrible feeling in my bowels and new I had to go. I couldn't think of any toilets near by. I was considering stopping at my girlfriend's but it was about 15-20 minutes away and then I remembered there was a McDonalds. I minced across the car park, sweating as I walked and just made it to the toilet. Being a 24 hour McDonalds the toilets weren't in a good state but were clean.

Moral of the story was that I always go before leaving the house if I've had a few pints the night before.
(Hagis, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 19:03, Reply)

The new brown bag for lunch
Turd Tote Piss yellow turd totes, insulated to keep your waste products fresh.

The insulation helps keep the smell in too, so nobody on the subway will happen to notice that you love shit.

Toy bags for the travelling turd lover. Only at manscat.

(Taffy Donut, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:33, Reply)

Bouncy bouncy


www.thejoyrider.com/home.html
(Taffy Donut, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:31, Reply)

Vancouver Island
Out in the wilderness on Vancouver Island, they have these pleasant bathrooms that are basically a hut surrounding a very deep hole. When the hole fills up with shit, they cover it up and move the hut. Lovely place to have lunch.
( Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:29, Reply)

Porta Potties
Portable toilets are popular at fairs, festivals, street gatherings, construction sites etc...

1) At the recent Up Your Alley Fair in San Francisco, a leather/fetish street fair, a row of portable toilets had fairly long lines. One unit was taped shut and had yellow "caution" tape around it. A sign written on the stall said "Out of ordersee local piss freak". A man in a fireman's coat, yellow jock strap and waders planted himself in front of it. Best image was the Sister of Perpetual Indugence (this one a chunky bearded bloke in his long habit, clown white makeup and colorful accessories) indulged herself into the mouth of said waiting piss freak.

2) Porta potties in southern California closest to LA have large mirrors set into the doors.

3) Portable potties in Seattle and the Northwestern region of the US are called "Honey Buckets."
(Taffy Donut, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:28, Reply)

sharing shit
A female friend, using restaurant toilet in US whilst on holiday was impressed by the rather large, boxlike loo paper dispenser.

Moisturised too! Aloe Vera? No.

Couldn't figure why there was another, more conventional toilet roll holder behind her (after the fact)that she had not seen. Ergo, she'd been shaking her lettuce & recycling in a rather unhygienic manner indeed.

She had to get tested for the Aids n' everything.
(deterlux, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:24, Reply)

Newcastle and Whitby
Okay my last post wasn't about toilets this one is.

Once visting Whitby I used their superloo's it was like using the toilet in Buck rogers in the 25th century. Wonderful and well worth the money.

While walking through Newcastle I spotted what from the outside appeared to be another Superloo and clutching my money with an expectant gleam in my eye I scampered over to it. The futuristic door slid back, I stepped in and the door slid shut. My face dropped as I realised I was hermetically sealed in to this toilet with three large turds and a wad of toilet paper soaking up the piss from the floor.I quickly went about my business and pressed the open door button lest a powercut sealed me in to that nightmarish air lock.
(mm123, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:18, Reply)

Sudden evacuation
After an unpleasant bout of Campylobacter food poisoning a few years ago, I'm left with a slightly weak bowel. It doesn't bother me often, but maybe a couple of times a year I get really painful cramping pains. I know that within about half an hour, the entire contents of my digestive system are going to shoot out of my arse. This usually takes two visits to the shitter.

Last year I was in a nice pub in London (near Waterloo) when this happened. It has a Thai restaurant out the back in what used to be the garden but is now covered over semi-permanently. The loos are at the back of the pub. First visit to the loo, I evacuate a goodly amount of material and return to my table to sip some water. The cramps return. I return to the gents. The cubicle is in use so I wait, almost doubled up in pain. A bloke emerges from the cubicle and says "Whatever you do, don't flush it, it's blocked or something and it's coming up out back. Points to the Thai restaurant" My second attempt leaves a fascinatingly conical pile of shit above water level in the toilet, with the sides liberally pebble-dashed. I fight the urge to flush, but I can't leave the toilet in that state. I flush, and leave the pub fairly rapidly.

Apologies to anyone who was eating a Thai meal at the time.
( foop, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:13, Reply)

Bliss, in Bournemouth


Need I say more?
( gone, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:03, Reply)

Junk food
Recently a mate and I decided to visit the sites around Salisbury and generally be cultured for a couple of days. So we set off from Middlesbrough. Near Nottingham we stopped for food and discovered they still have Wimpys down south! We thought they'd been out of business for years, the trip quickly turned into Supersize me. After eight meals of nothing but junk food I was so constipated I started crying in pain, yes actually crying. I also managed to tear a blood vessel in my anus the result being I had to put a sanitary towel (not a tampon!) in between my arse cheeks. My stomach became distended with gas and on returning to Middlesbrough I had to shove four suppositries (arse tablets) in to myself for relief.

Damn you Wimpy burger!
(mm123, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:03, Reply)

French toilets vs. English vs. American
My first trip to Paris and I was trying to avoid using the in-ground loos that you have to squat. It's not the easiest thing to do. I was quite relieved (literally) when visiting the concergerie where Marie Antoinette was held prior to her walk of shame. I thought for certain the loo would be ancient and crusty. I was plesantly surprised to find an elevated toilet, wood doors, real towels.

London, Harrod's. The holy grail of public toilets. Marble, full doors; you could live in there.

My office in San Francisco. The 6th floor toilets are shared by my office (Ticketmaster) and THEM... Cisco. I should call them PISCO cause those fuckers can't aim worth shit, from either orfice. If it's not pee splatter on the urinal partitions, it's a Jackson Pollock painting in the stall. The Cisco asswipes are also pigs, they talk on the cell while pissing, so whenever I (and others in my office) hear them chattering away, we make sure to flush repeatedly and often let out moans of misery. They also don't wash their hands. Doubtful any of their colleagues will see this, but Cisco is a global company so perhaps they'll think twice before giving them that firm handshake.
(Taffy Donut, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:02, Reply)

Toilets, or lack thereof...
I was in a hospital bed, on an NHS ward, on spinal precautions (stuck on back, not allowed to move, unstable spinal fracture) and they didn't even allow me a bed-pan, so I basically had to crap the bed, which would then be cleaned out. Unfortunately I was so full of morphine that I couldn't even poo, and had had enough laxatives, both oral and suppository, to unblock a regiment. Nothing.
I had had surgery twice in three days and the second general anaesthetic didn't agree with me too well. I had a fairly major psychotic episode and had texted everybody in my phone to say that the ward was being run by Al Quaeda, and that they were about to kill me. So eventually family and friends gathered around to try and cheer me up, when I felt everything starting to move... I motioned all to leave the vicinity of my bed and draw the curtains. An horrible sound ensued, accompanied by pathetic mewlings of ring-splitting pain from myself as I shat seeming yards of rock-hard faeces.
When the bedding had been mucked out, my good friend Holf was first to be brave enough to come back. He reckons I was practically floating above the bed with a beatific look on my face, blissfully unawares of the unholy smell that still lingered...
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 18:01, Reply)

Trying to hang a mirror on my bathroom wall
I slipped on the cold wet porcelain of the throne, cracked my head, and when I woke up I laid out the drawings for a device I call the Flux Capacitor.

what are the chances, eh?
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 17:45, Reply)

one of my friends
holds what have been deemed legendary houseparties in a certain midlands town. during the second one last year, about 2am, needing relief, i wandered to the toilet to find a thronging crowd around the bathroom door, several giggling and others looking positively violated. turns out the only 15 year old present had, on his first night of drunken fun, semi-passed out on the bog, shat himself and was now subconsciously having a rather obvious wank with the door open, muttering incoherently as he came. lovely.
(pinkegokane, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 17:40, Reply)

Rather good toilets
This is about the best toilet I've been in.

I was out in a restuarant set on the banks of the thames, lovely sunny evening, with a friend. After a couple of drinks, need to go to the loo.

Walked into the loo, it had a sort of short corridor before the toilet itself, to see some bloke looking intently through the pictures on the wall, slightly odd thing to do in the loo.

Went into the toilet itself, unzipped and started going. At this point I have a look around and quickly realise what the bloke outside was looking at. The whole place is covered in arty nudes. They're everywhere, even painted onto the toilet seat.

Funnily enough I ended up looking through all the pictures as well

The place
www.leathernebottel.co.uk/

Dont know if they still have them, havent been there in ages.
(loquis, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 17:25, Reply)

Couple of months ago...
I was happily minding my own business using a cubicle in some public toilets at I can't remember where, when I spotted something shining out of the corner of my eye, so I glanced down to see what it was. Turns out the person in the cubicle next to me was holding a mirror under the space between the two cubicles, utilising the trick that people use to look round corners. Since then I tend to avoid using cubicles that are next to an already occupied one.
(Yarg, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 17:21, Reply)

mystery table otter
my flatmate and i stayed in once and got really badly spannered on addlestone's cider.

it's just the two of us in the flat. neither of us went out and no-one else came round.

when we went into the lounge in the morning there was a textbook 7" turd slap-bang in the middle of the coffee table.

to this day, neither of us know which one of us did it.
(skindley, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 17:13, Reply)

What the cock is that?
Been out celebrating a mate's birthday in Turkey then have to go to Dalaman airport. I'm suffering from mild food poisoning. Get to the airport and have an urgent message from the dumpster.

I barge into the "toilets" and see a line of 5 cubicles. Aha! Locked, locked, locked. locked. Aha! One not in use. Expecting to see a white bog I see a hole in the ground. I'm drunk so initially think someone has stolen the bog. But I think "fuck it - I need this". So I squat with one hand holding the door closed and the other moving my trousers and cacks out of the way. Bliss.

After a few minutes I decide to look at what I've delivered. I look down and see a piece of chicken. Oh good, I think. Better out than in. Then I look again. Chicken? Out of my arse? Is that normal? I'm squat there, drunk, getting cramp and losing balance trying to work out if shitting chicken is normal.

Turns out it was actually a piece of tissue I'd put between my arse cheeks to stop them chafing from the ring-sting.

I fell asleep on the plane and while relaxed I leaked a nugget. I cleaned up in the toilet but the smell was still there. Luckily I was sat next to some old people and every time someone walked past and noticed the smell, I'd look at the old people and give a disgusted look.

Safe!
(minky_monkey, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 17:12, Reply)

SisterSick
My mum, sister and I had been to the Lake District to visit some family camping there. We had to drive back to the North East the next day so that I could get back in time for work. My sister, who was about 10 at the time, can't go anywhere in the car without "travelling food". On this particular journey the travelling food she had consumed consisted of a pasty, a bag of chips, some sweaty clingfilmed sarnies, various bags of crisps, sausage rolls and various bottles of pop. When we got to our house I had literally minutes to spare before I had to be at work so I dashed upstairs to have a wee before running back out to work. Just as I'd passed the point of no return in emptying my bladder, the toilet door was kicked open and there was my sister frantically pointed at her clamped shut mouth and bulging hamster cheeks. And then she vomit her fucking regurgitated travelling food all over me.

And my mother's response when she heard my strangled cries and came running to see what had happened? Oh yeah, she laughed. Pair of bitches.

And not even time for a shower because I was then running late for fucking work. Spent the next 6 hours on my feet behind a bar, having only had the briefest of wipe downs with a flannel to brush off the biggest chunks of sick.

B3ta virginity gone - was it good for you?
(Lolopops, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 17:11, Reply)

Maybe i went in the loo after you once Dave Smells Like Cheese
Because...i once went for a dump in a public loos and both cubicles were locked, and the guy that came out looked at me all shifty-like and started going a bit red muttering things like "wasn't me...loadsa stuff everywhere..like it when i went in" at which point i was completely intrigued. Went into the cubicle and was intrigued no longer. There was shit EVERYWHERE. Not any old shit, but a foul foul FOUL smelling liquidy explosion, it was on the walls, the toilet holder and even the ceiling!?!? I suddenly didn't need a shit anymore.

/Edit..Dave Likes Cheese, sorry not smells like
(HoHum, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 17:00, Reply)