medicines
Tramadol is useless for headaches. It's great for broken bones, but crap for headaches.

(usual disclaimer here)
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sat 8 Dec 2007, 2:22, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Aftershave afterthought
Run out of aftershave? finish the job with a splash of white rum or cognac. prevents the old razor rash very nicely, even if it makes you smell like a drunk (to avoid this, use decent cognac... then at least you won't smell like a cheap drunk)
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sat 8 Dec 2007, 2:20, Reply)

Pedestrians!
Pedestrians! See the little bike sign painted at regular intervals on half of the extremely wide pavement? That's a CYCLE LANE, so if you don't want a knobbly tyre up your ringpiece, stay on your own side!
(kna has forgotten everything., Thu 6 Dec 2007, 22:04, Reply)

Get your own back on the Scout movement
Write out Christmas cards to our brave troops battling the Taliban in Afghanistan's Helmand province, and put them in the Scout Mail box ("15p - We'll deliver ANYWHERE") the little twerps have set up in your local village hall. They are contractually obliged under the terms of the Postal Services Act to deliver them*.

Baden-Powell would have been proud.

* probably
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 11:02, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Drivers of Nissan Micras and the like
Try leaving yourself a bit less time for your journey, and then you'll have to drive faster to get there, so you'll not be doing 35mph on a road where it's perfectly safe to do 60, and you won't be holding up a huge fucking queue of angry motorists, including me!

Alternatively you could just fuck off.

*breathes deeply*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 9:17, 7 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Cyclists!
Cyclists! See that thing beside the pavement? It is called a road and that is where you are meant to be! Stupid fuckers...I'm going to push one of you off very very soon...

(I should mention that this diatribe was in response to the cyclists who ignore the lovely cycle lane on Whiteladies Road in Bristol - there is a road, then the cycle lane, then a row of trees and then the pavement...)
( JockyMcSporan has a pointy head but no pointy chin..., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 9:14, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

top tip
Wait till the following week to read "Question of the week" board, this way you get to read the funniest on 1 page \o/
(cudcm, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 13:04, Reply)

Feeling queasy?
If you find yourself having had one too many Christmas sherrys over the next few weeks and start to get the first pangs of nausea, eat a few wine gums.
Not only do they have a suprisingly calming effect on yer tummy, but if given about 20 minutes to mix in with the other contents, they make vomit much more pleasant on the throat.
Discovered by accident.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 10:27, Reply)

Urban Survival 101

When approaching a dog and you are unsure whether it is friendly or not…show it no fear but extend your arm towards it, showing the BACK of your hand.

Should the dog bite, the back of your hand creates a larger surface area than your fingers and is more difficult for the dog to bite down on…leaving you precious time to kick the fucker in the bollocks.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 28 Nov 2007, 15:16, Reply)

Don't blow your nose when you have a cold
especially while holding a handkerchief under the nose; by blowing your nose you will push mucus into your sinus cavities, causing possible inflammation

It's best to just snort it up all the time. And think of how annoying you will be to the people around you; grand!
( c_kick or, as some people call him, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 8:19, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

When crossing roads
rather than looking both ways before crossing simply add the vectors of both directions and look straight ahead.
( Crack <--- Lurker..... came out of hiding on, Sat 24 Nov 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Worried about the age gap in your relationship?
If you have to make the aeroplane noise just so she will suck you off you fucking should be!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 17:34, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

FA
When releasing press statements promising a review on the errors of English football be careful to underplay the one consistent fact in poor management of the English team.
The fact that your body appointed all the managers.
( Weejock, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 9:46, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

If you happen to be the England football team,
don't lose to Croatia. It makes you look like clueless twats.

Eng-er-land! Or not.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 22 Nov 2007, 12:35, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Arrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhh!
Dont get the hots for someone who lives in another country. It's very, very, very frustrating.

*Unless their a millionaire and can jet in to see you all the time*


**But not Donald Trump because that would just be wrong**
( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Nov 2007, 10:08, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

The Top Tip Formerly Known As Donald
Insecure about your diminutive stature and the fact you look and dress like a greasy pimp?

Simply act like you are fifty feet tall and have a functioning cock and nobody will be any the wiser. If this proves difficult, try bullying your own fans from behind a wall of (considerably taller) lawyers.
This will ensure you are regarded with respect rather than, say, as a grotesque, squeaking purple leprechaun.
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Thu 22 Nov 2007, 8:47, Reply)

Sick of your kids emptying the fridge every time your back is turned?
Simply push old nails into the sort of foods they scoff such as cheese, cake and chocolate bars.
They'll soon learn.
( Smallbrainfield, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 12:07, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Olive oil
Don't waste expensive extra virgin olive oil for frying food, use normal olive oil instead. This is because, as soon as you heat up extra virgin olive oil, all its extra virgin goodness is zapped away and it ends up more or less the same as the standard stuff. Obviously extra virgin is still the sensible option for dressing salads, etc.
(SJH, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 0:51, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

tinea
red sack is one of the banes of living in the tropics. In all the wars ever fought in all the wars more time off was had by soldiers with Tinea than anything else..including being shot. Dont fuck about with it and try stupid old wives tales like bathing your bollocks in vinegar etc etc. It is a live fungal bacteria so rubbing canestan on the surface will not stop it growing inside your balls. You need a two pronged attack, use Nizral cream with the active ingredient of Ketaconozole on your nuts and take four Sporanock tablets every day for a week and your red sack will dissapear...apparently
(amy crackpipe firing up Camden, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 15:56, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

poisonous snakes
If you live in a house close to the jungle where poisonous snakes show up quite regularly, keep a can of mace handy. Spray the bastard in the eyes from a reasonably safe distance then batter the cunt with a bamboo pole while your semi wild dogs rip him to pieces...that'll learn ya, ya poisonous snake cunt
(amy crackpipe firing up Camden, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 15:50, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

horse cunt
What kind of animal has a cunt halfway up its back? A horse being ridden by prince...the cunt
(amy crackpipe firing up Camden, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 15:36, Reply)

Office Workers
Did you know that lever in the toilet cubicle is called a 'flush' and works exactly like the one you've got at home.
(><(((">, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:56, Reply)

Want to create a "buzz"?
To get people to talk about your career ? Make legal threats to various fan-sites - guarenteed your name will be plastered EVERYWHERE.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 20:56, Reply)

Paedophiles
Wean yourself off your disgusting perversions by having sex with dwarfs, midgets and other people of restricted height.
(dungeoneer, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:21, Reply)

that ginger fuhrer fella
should use his many media contacts to get the "prince ban" story in the guardian so the guardian could legitimately use some of the 'shopped images in their report

[he does *have* media contacts, yes?]
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 12:38, Reply)

Got a new graphics tablet? Wondering about fashionable colour schemes?
... I hear that purple is the new magenta.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:10, Reply)

Jaffa Challenge
Some of you may have seen this: www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/11395.

If you intend to enter, Aldi sells mini Jaffa cakes - same height, but less cake. Of course, it would be dishonourable to cheat like this...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:04, Reply)

listerine
Never ever put a piece of those listerine Oral Care strips in your eye.
Even if you are bored cnutless working at the tax office.
Just don't do it.
Yes...they do dissolve.
Yes...it does burn like fcuk.
Yes...you do end up looking like you have been infected with Rage.
Length - it was red for about a week.
(certosa, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:03, 1 reply, 17 years ago)