growing up, we had a local gang of friends who were generally inseparable.
Despite the fact we had different schools, we were all in the same area and would spend long summer days playing cards and football down the park and going 'exploring' (there were no lurking paedos back in the 70s, apart from the catholic church apparently) and having sleepovers in tents in back gardens et cetera.

J and P were brothers, P and M were firm friends, JB was already on his way to becoming a Professional Sick Person. We did education, we worked, we got jobs, all of us, turned up to work every day but not so JB.

JB's attitude was "I don't want to do that, so I will feign an asthma attack. I don't want to do this, I will invent a mental condition that
means I can cry off. I will lie and weasel and fake attention-seeking issues so everyone pays attention to me. "I have a debilitating undiagnosed crippling bone disease" was the last one I remember. *deep breath* I only have 3 months to live *looks off into the middle distance in expectation of sympathy*

When the DSS got fed up and insisted he got a job, they roped him into a job opportunity at a foundry which would take unqualified labour and he lasted approximately 1.5 days before 'oops I dropped an ingot on my foot, I am now crippled, you must pay all my wages and expenses and hurt feelings and mental anguish costs'.

As friends do, when you meet up at anniversary events of things like mate's weddings, you do tend to say 'Wow, been a while, what are you doing now?' and you oddly feel like a wanker for saying to this intentionally lazy fucker 'Me? Well, moved house, work with electronics in vehicles, sorry, did I mention I have a girlfriend?' in front of someone who can only say 'WOW you will NEVER believe this, I got a new xbox game' as the highlight of their year. I don't like to brag about my achievement but suddenly their lack of achievement makes me out to be an arrogant wanker by comparison.

He also, had the temerity to declare ' I know how to play fruit machines for profit. I can make a living off them'. Closely followed by 'maybe we should all go out on the town?' closely followed by 'oh my wallet has been stolen' when it was his turn to pony up for a round. Back in the day I asked him to watch the till when he was sitting in with me at my job at a petrol station as I had to go and take a leak, only to get called up the next day by the head cashier saying '£70 has gone missing from the day total'. Yep. Went into his pocket.

Finally came to a head when the selfish prick walked out of our common friend's wedding which happened in Bristol. Apparently the timing of the service disagreed with his eating habits, so he left the venue to eat his previously bought bean burrito . When asked why he left he said he suffered from a mental illness that made him very uncomfortable being in the same room as a lot of other people facing the same direction.

Then proceeded to tell me about the film he saw last week. In a cinema. Where presumably all the seats were angled randomly so no one ever had to face in the same direction as anyone else ever.

I'm going to be 42 next birthday, and I have had a semi-difficult life doing work to earn money in difficult locations I hope this picky lazy apologist goes to his grave knowing he has wasted his life on Jeremy Kyle and Xbox and pot noodle and knows that he never amounted to anything. But he will probably say 'life dealt me a bad hand and it wasn't my fault' and for that I will forever despise him.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 21 Sep 2013, 2:41, 3 replies)

I met Brayndedd once.
He was alright.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 1:39, 9 replies)

Since she seems to so keen to get my attention by *repeatedly* posting my real name here
I'm guessing that janet really wants to be my friend.



Now I don't know her in real life so I maybe speaking out of turn but her persona online is such that I think she maybe the "twattiest friend".
Out of all the hateful, hurtful, distasteful and just plain nasty attitudes I've come across on this board hers reigns supreme in it's level of bile and invective. Truly if she is anywhere near as bitter and twisted in RL as she comes across as on here then all I can do is feel genuine sorrow for her and her plight.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 1:13, 35 replies)

Once upon a time I had a friend who insisted on being called Apples, he thought it would be über cool, I have no idea why.
Ten years later, he is incredibly tired of being called Crapples. The end.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 23:29, 5 replies)

i think its me....

apparently wondering if i could get away with wearing a nipple pink burka for a fancy dress party (hosted by the Campaign for Racial Equality) would not be a good idea.
(TIMBIonline available for any passing drunk sailor, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 22:37, Reply)

He was always the handsome one.
He even pulled the girl of my dreams -- turned out she was my sister too!1!1!eleven
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 22:33, 1 reply)

The best mate of doom
I met him on my first day at infant school, where we proceeded to beat the crap out of each other and as boys often do we became best buddies.
Fast forward to age 17 and we are still best mates even though he has been ruining my social life for the last 13 years. We are now running a mobile disco with him doing the driving and me doing the DJ'ing. This was 40 years ago mind when we still used 7" singles etc and the light show consisted of a few coloured bulbs. We got booked for a real posh wedding at a big house and with a huge marquee in the garden.
I had a word with him and suggested he had a shave and a wash and spruced himself up a bit and he appeared on the night in a pair of his dads trousers and a jacket reminiscent of the ones tramps enjoy wearing. As this was a huge improvement on his normal appearance I kept any thoughts to myself.

The evening went well and all seemed fine. I left him loading the last items into the van and went into the house to collect our fee. I collected the cash and was asked to have a drink by the happy couple. So it was that I was standing chatting with them, champagne in hand, when my mate makes his entrance. He walks in and the room goes silent as he enters, because hanging from his jacket is a thread and dragging along attached to said thread is a piece of his jackets lining liberally smeared with shit.

Seeking to save the situation I grabbed his elbow and said "come on we need to get home" his response was "well if these two aren't nipping off for a shag yet I don't see why we have to rush off"
Amidst the even more deafening silence that followed this I dragged him out of there and showed him his attachment. He just shrugged and said "well all the loo paper had gone".

I have recently after over 50 years finally ended our friendship and not because of his lack of social skills, but because he has over the years become a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot and I realised that I really disliked him.
(Stunt slug If God existed I'd want to fight him, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 22:25, 1 reply)

They chose a suggestion from BraynDedd?????????????
Holy living fuck! That takes self-loathing to a whole new level: what were the mods thinking? The most useless fucker ever to grace this site - a man who, in over eight long years, has never posted a single interesting, amusing or entertaining reply to QOTW - HE, of all people, gets to ask US to send in our stories? No. Game over.
(ShambolicBadgerRimmer Please don't ignore me!, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 21:37, 34 replies)

National Front/Anti Nazi League idiocy
At college a group of us hung out together as students do, goofing around, taking massive drugs, generally living it up. One of us was from the Sudan, a fella called Akhmed...
So one day one of the guys turned up and said, apropos of nothing "I'm sorry Ackers, I can't hang around with you any more - I've joined the National Front". And expected it to be left at that...
Of course all of us laid into him constantly for many days.
He ended up seeing the error of his ways and leaving the National Front. And then he went and joined the Anti Nazi League, who like beating up NF and the like. A few days later it was in all the local papers that the local NF leader was severely beaten up in his home. Up until that point he'd managed to keep his address secret...
He then joined the hunt saboteurs, and it gradually became clear he just liked to fight... Funny really because he was actually a really nice bloke most of the time.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 20:38, 2 replies)

Edgar Wright.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 19:25, Reply)

rob fairholme, ladies and gentlemen.
let's face it, she loves the attention.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 18:57, 18 replies)

Just checking...
It's usually me!
(Captain Coffee Break, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 17:11, Reply)

My mate Geoff..
...spiffing chap, by Jiminy he can something of an arse at times
(DefinitelyNOTAmorousBadgerOhNo, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 15:06, 4 replies)

Un Grande Explosion
A friend of mine has some unfortunate traits in that he will often make facetious comments and will not stand to be corrected. If posted a photo on FB his comment would be first and regular in its negative content. So I defriend and explain that since he wont or cant stop this sort of stuff its best that this avenue is suspended. He understands and agrees that since we usually meet at the pub we can chat there and its all OK - must be the Social Worker in me. I've also seen him in what nearly was a huge fight because of the same reason with other people. Time to leave the pub? I'm gone but he will drag his feet until he is gripped by the doorman. He takes stuff to bits for repair and its still in bits a month later. Repairing a CRT telly - knocks the tip off the tube - no vacuum in the tube and no more telly. Got a second house and doing it up, still unlived in after 5 years. Need I go on?
But that isn't the tale, oh no.
Years back we knew a couple who had their own spacious house and outside there was a clear roof lean-to along the exterior wall that was convenient to hang out washing in. Also present various car and bike parts and a large battery. He sees this and decides to handle the vent pipe of the battery and apply a lit flame to said pipe to "See if there would be a small flame or funny noise". . . . BOOM... The battery blew up and as he put it "Lots of holes appeared in the washing that was hung up". Apparently they were still friends after this - must've been Hippies.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 14:37, Reply)

My 'friend of a friend' called Stu,
Coming back from or going in between drinking establishments would always without fail initiate a game of Get Down Mr. President, which admittedly was funny the first night we learned it,
but he does this every time. And no-one wants to be the first person to not want to play it, so therefore we all join in and this stupid cycle continues.
Admittedly, this is more a failing on our part but he is still a twat.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 14:00, 10 replies)

On a typically boozy afternoon in the student bar,
we turned to comparing ourselves to parts of the female anatomy (which, of course, makes no sense, but I assume that we were all drunk and someone had called someone else a "right tit" and we took it from there). Great fun.
Later that year, December time, I received a Christmas card addressed to "The Cunt". Lucky me. Still, nice to know where I stand.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 13:59, 7 replies)

My brother's mate, "Donut".
I think I told this before, so apologies if it sounds familiar. Not so much "ruining every social occasion", as just being a bit of a nob. He's an expert at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and stopping a conversation in its tracks, however that's all my brother has told me about that side of him. He prefers to regale me with tales of Donut's comedy exploits, such as:

Arranging a night out, then phoning my brother from the pub and angrily asking where everyone was - to be told "We've arranged it for next week, mate!".

Making his way through a busy pub (Scenarios in Halstead, fact fiends) on his way to the toilet, asking people "Excuse me please, coming through, 'scuse me" etc, only to call "Look out mate, coming through" to someone he was about to cross paths with, who completely ignored him - because it was in fact his own reflection in a wall-length mirror.

And my personal favourite - running on a treadmill at the gym, deciding he was a bit too hot, and taking his sweatshirt off, while still running. He managed to get it caught over his head, lost his balance, and stepped sideways - off the treadmill. Before he could stop he'd to run into the weights room - still with his sweatshirt over his head. Through sheer blind luck he managed not to run into anyone or anything... the thought of that one still cracks me up :)
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 13:50, 16 replies)

your mum lol

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 12:37, 8 replies)

Nick Frost.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 11:51, 1 reply)

I am glad
That none of my friends use b3ta.
(Eukanuba, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 11:28, 3 replies)

I know it's me.
I have a way of saying things that are completely inappropriate, in a number of situations I have no trouble getting away with it, but I always fail to pick the right audience to appreciate what I just see as throw-away comments, or something that should be laughed at and then dismissed.

As a direct result, they cause great offence.

For example, one of our solicitors asked me to arrange something for her, then not fifteen minutes later asked something else of me. Both relatively minor jobs that hardly require anything.

The conversation that followed went as follows: -

Me: "You're being very demanding."
Her: "I am a woman, what do you expect?"
Me: "Home baking."

After a quick "You'd be lucky!" I've had the silent treatment since.
( Muns, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 9:47, 23 replies)

Simon Pegg.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 9:14, 8 replies)

I've eaten many a roast with this fellow, even some cheesy peas!
Imbibing? He could fucking do it!
My friend Rich. A fellow who enjoyed a beer or 15.
He could be most eloquent and graceful in both his consumption of alcohol and the often ensuing expulsion of it.
A few of his efforts as examples -

There was the time we were all sitting around a table at the Shents (The Shenton Park Hotel - a now long gone, great, original music venue & our then local) after work one balmy summer evening.
Rich decides it's his shout by deciding to consume the last of the dregs of the jug. From the jug. But now there was a small problem - since we had spent much of the arvo playing "coins" & ibble-dibble and many elbows had been "pointed" Rich's way, his body had reached the point where some volume of fluid would have to be expelled in order to make some room for more. Rich calmly pushes back his chair from the table, leans forward and sends a carrot encrusted yawn to the technicolour gods, between his workboots.
Amidst a mixture of applause and sounds of revulsion Rich smilingly gets up and heads to the bar to to procure some more libations for the group.

Another time Rich & I were staggering home from a similar evening when he felt the pressing need to empty his bladder. Not one who wishes to be inconvenienced by the need to stop moving whilst urinating and despite my protestations Rich unzips himself, flops his dick out and while continuing to walk bow-leggedly, proceeds to piss. All over himself & his shoes. On the footpath. Aside a busy 4 lane highway. In a shopping district. On "late-night" shopping night.

If he was still around I think I'd probably break my hiatus from the demon drink and crack a bottle or 3 with him this arvo. For old times sake.

Please understand gentle reader that these events and many others happened in our late teens and early 20's when a young man's attention to bodily functions and social responsibility are not necessarily honed to the fine point that they hopefully become later on in life.

Cheers.
EDIT: tl;dr? - my friend spewed and pissed on himself whilst drunk in public (amongst other things).
Length? A middy is 285 mL.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 6:02, 54 replies)

I knew this bloke years ago and have since lost contact... but he had a reputation for 'burning' his mates and co-workers with social hand grenades. I didn't personally witness this pearler... but it was the stuff of legend.

'Muckhole' was part of a professional group who were fortunate to be on duty at big public social events (airshows, motorsports, sport finals) and as a consequence of their involvement they were invited to VIP marquees and after-event drinks to hobnob with the real celebrities. This was a big perk of their job and much appreciated by all involved. However, one should mind one's Ps and Qs when amongst the big nobs...

At one event (IndyCar on the Gold Coast I believe) they found themselves having a beer with one of the post-Michael Hutchence iterations of the band INXS. The boys were very happy with this situation, and were feeling relaxed and familiar with their new drinking buddies.

Muckhole rose to the occasion, and in between sips rolled a stun grenade into the conversation. "SO, is it true that when Hutchence died he was playing the one-stringed banjo at the time?"

Uncomfortable silence and pariah-status followed.
(bulbus1 *whoop whoop* pull up, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 2:41, 4 replies)

I think it's me
The simple fact that I can't really pick a specific person....leads me to believe everything I have been told, I am a horrible fucking cunt.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 23:34, 2 replies)

My best mate
is lovely but she gets very nervous in social situations and tends to panic and blurt out the most embarrassing things.
She started repping with a man who happened to be gay. She decided to invite him and his partner to her house for dinner and invited me too for moral support.
When she is hosting something she feels that she has to ensure conversation flows and everyone is getting on, even if there is a crowd of 50.
Anyway, during dinner there was a lull in the conversation and I could see the tell tale signs on her face, twitching, mouth opening and closing and face flushed. I thought "oh no, here we go". She blurted out "So, which one of you takes it up the arse?".
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 22:48, 2 replies)

Not happened to me
But my best mate from way back works with another school friend of ours, who has sworn to be his wingman (said friend isn't very comfortable with girls and whathaveyou). SO first friend tells the second the girl he likes, and second friend is supposed to go do the groundwork and introduce first friend after some time. Except he forgets that bit, and sleeps with the girl. This has happened a good 3 or 4 times. Last time it happened, the girl said she was pregnant. Cue hissy fits all around, until she decided she wasn't pregnant, and second friend turned back into the lurid disgusting animal we all know and love
(The Liberation Of Mike Hunt It was definitely murder. Cheers., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 22:08, 6 replies)

Former school mate is a twat for being so perfect
One of my few friends at school was a nice enough bloke, except for one small thing: when I was around him, I was invisible.

Charming, sociable, good-looking, cool and fairly well-off, he attracted girls like a pre-teenage girl attracts BBC TV & radio presenters, while I stood around like the spare part I was.

He was also taller than me, a better artist and better at sports (not difficult). Then he grew up...

...and went to London and became an actor. But acting, it seemed wasn't for him, as it opened a chink in his armour: stage fright.

So, he regrouped, became a film & TV director and, more recently, a producer of kids' TV programmes - for one of which he won a BAFTA.

Twat.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 22:01, 2 replies)

I'm surrounded by twats.
Where to start? There's the twat I used to work for in my second job. There's the twat I married who's constantly nagging and chivvying me. There's the twat I started working for after I quit my other jobs, who has other twats working for him. There's that nasty old twat in the wheelchair. There's the other old twat who keeps yelling at me and has beaten me a few times. And then there's the weaselly little twat who turned on me after all I've done for him!

Me, the twat? No. I am the danger. I am the one who knocks.
( Wanderer, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 21:41, Reply)

My Brother
Who generally is awesome was a twat once with me and a group of climbers. We had been in Snowdonia, and on the way home stopped at The Three Old Pigeons, or was it Five...in Nescliffe to replace our expended calories with a Nosebag.
After half a pint he says to our table, Whats the mating call of a giant clam.
We know the answer and ask him politely not to reveal, Alan, at the end asked him to repeat the question as he didnt hear, So he asks it again, this time, standing up, and rather loud. So loud everyone, including the waiter watched in wonderment, as he hid his eyes behind his crossed arms, opend his arms just a tad, peered through them and then opened up and shouted Give us a Fuck!
knives were dropped, glasses put safely down we were asked to eat for the rest of the meal in silence.
(lordy lordy, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 21:34, 2 replies)