Grandma's sayings
"Never look at the mantlepiece when you're stoking the fire"

This was repeated all though my youth my my Nan, and Parents when I commented on a lass...

Never quite understood it - especially with a gas fire in the house....

and my penchant for shagging corpses....
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Fri 27 Oct 2006, 11:51, Reply)

The beginning of "Stingray"
...used to offer the advice "Stand by for action!"

No action ever turned up....not even a flash of boob or something.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 11:47, Reply)

mum
always got me to deliver her xmas cards around the town with the fantastically stupid "go on your bike, it's not as far then".

Also, on way to Portsmouth ferry terminal, got overtaken by a porsche doing about 180,000 mph (as my mum sees it) "He wont get there any faster" she pointed out.

We saw him hours later, at the port funnily enough. He was at the front of the queue, and we were at the back. How I laughed at my stupid mum.

Advice: Driving faster actually gets you there quicker. Who'd have thought.

Please dont tally this comment with the one i made earlier about driving or you will make me look like the hyprocrite that I am. I am painfully self-aware.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 11:42, Reply)

"Don't leave the seat down after you use the toilet."
"Why?"
"Cos it looks untidy."
What, you read that in Hello or something?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 11:21, Reply)

Jeccy
it does. when i went to oxford with some friends at the age of 17, we were supposed to be looking at colleges. instead, we were getting hammered. vik and i headed out to the booze shop, but when we got back to the hall (that skanky 1970's concrete thing on magdalen bridge for those of you who actually got in, you bastards) vik had left our keys inside.

no mobiles as this was the dark ages, or 1995 as we called it then. so after yelling and hammering at the doorbell, i noticed a huge red button which said DO NOT PRESS.

so i pressed it.

nothing happened. absolutely NOTHING.

so vik and i trudged all the way over to the lodge to get a spare key. as we got there, we were flung out of the way by about 50 firemen, all of whom jumped out of their engines and legged it into the porters' lodge yelling "where's the fire?"

we sat meekly at the back, listening to the argument rage about how someone had pressed the alarm............
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 10:54, Reply)

"Never...
finish a "Questions" thread on a thursday ever again"

b3ta has obviously took note of my advice
(1.21 Gigawatts, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 10:54, Reply)

Management advice
While on a management course i had someone complete numpty advise us that all people can be categorised in 4 different types, based on our personality traits, and its how we manage these 4 types that detemines the success of the team.

Incredulous at this, i pipe up - "so the entire scope of the human mind fits neatly into 4 boxes?" says I.

"yes" says she "look the diagram explains it"

"so" says I with burgeoning smile "that would make Russell Grant 3 times more accurate than you?"

She was not a happy bunny.
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 10:51, Reply)

"Don't press this button" signs which hang over a big red button.
How can you NOT press it after reading that? It must do something awesome.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 10:28, Reply)

Never talk out of your arse....
.... when you've just had a curry.
(LunarJim, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 9:56, Reply)

Never place your penis ...
... in the revolving blades of a jet engine.




(actually from Rory McGrath).
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 8:38, Reply)

sleeping pills
In the ads on television for prescription sleep medications, they actually say, "Until you know how Sleepinex will affect you, do not drive a car or operate heavy machinery."

So once I've got the hang of it, it's okay to take sleeping pills and then operate a forklift?

As if that's not bad enough, they also list "drowsiness" as a side effect. Err, what's the main effect then?
( madrabbit is fully prepared, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 7:00, Reply)

Dumb proverbs
I mean, has anyone actually ever seen their grandmother sucking eggs?

(Please don't post any links to websites, I've just had breakfast)
(><(((">, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 5:58, Reply)

Advice
I advise chthonic to stop this question now because I can't stop following people's advice.

Bless you.
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 2:08, Reply)

How's this for useless advice!
Don't use a cheese grater as a sex toy, I think It was my friend who said that to me when he was drunk.... anywho, I don't think I would have even considered using it as a toy before hand, but forbidden fruit has to be tasted, let's just say..... it hurts like a mother bitch
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 0:25, Reply)

Time Zone
Was told that when it's Thursday in the US it must be Wednesday in the UK if I haven't seen a new QOTW.

How else to explain no new QOTW.

Usless advice? Be patient!
(barrycounty, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 22:46, Reply)

Spiked_Rycroft
Your post reminded me of a bilboard at the side of a road that said:

'Stop staring'

Then something along the lines of:

'A third of road accidents are caused by distracted drivers'

WTF?????
(purplefairy, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 22:31, Reply)

Useless Advice
"so i said, stop being a corporate shill you will lose so much credibility with the B3TAn hordes if you have such a transparently pathetic image challenge" and you know what, the cunt only listened!
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 22:12, Reply)

McDonald's lawyers.
I mean, who could lose a case about coffee being hot? If it was cold, she'd have taken it back, wouldn't she? So if it was hot and it burnt her then SHE GOT WHAT SHE PAID FOR. (Excuse the shouting).

Not that I'm a defender of that particular chain of "restaurants", but come on...
( esganorp has no hummus, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 21:33, Reply)

my dad would usually pay me when i worked for him in his stained glass studio
usually he'd take forever to pay me as he's a bit tight on money himself. when he failed to make good when i asked him for my pay, here came the immortal line, "i'd rather owe it to you than cheat you out of it"

not really advice, but i do use the line myself these days when i borrow money from friends...
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 19:57, Reply)

Mr Branston walked into my office last week
and told me that we in the Marketing should be more Internet savvy. So i looked up a few sites, and found one that ran an image challenge. After much phoning i set them to produce images so i could pick the best and sit on my arse for a week.
Several days later Mr Branston burst in clutching pictures of people pissing on each other and child rape.

I now live under a bridge.
( Wingnutt razzle dazzle my fantasmagazzle, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 19:12, Reply)

Umm yeah, thanks dad
My dad told me he had no advice to give me, as he had failed in money and relationships
(so_im_cynical, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 19:04, Reply)

Branson's PA;
"Hey Rich, why don't you give those B3tan's a pen and paper and see what they can doodle for your new Ad Campaign?"

Spot on advice there :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 17:53, Reply)

re: trout

there you go.








(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 17:19, Reply)

Good advice or bad advice?
My father was always spouting advice of one type or another, usually another, but this was one of his choice statements.

'Son, a bit of c*nts alright, but f*ck it!'
( benkai Doing nothing as of ..., Thu 26 Oct 2006, 17:16, Reply)

anti-bullying advice

In Australia, every so often the high school system will come out with a new 'anti-bullying strategy'.

Some people might think that these strategies would involve, for example, children who bully other children being prevented from doing so.

In fact the last one I read about involved a series of 'witty' comebacks that children could give if they were being teased or bullied.

The fact that these comebacks were in fact incredibly prissy and shite is the least worst thing about them. I'm not sure how giving weak children the ability to outrage and humiliate people who are bullying them already is meant to help.

However, from what I can see these strategies are very successful in their aim of making educators feel like they have clean hands while doing fuck all.

Schools are meant to act 'in the place of the parent', and the school system tolerating bullying should be treated as seriously as a parent who allows one of their children to bully another.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 17:07, Reply)

Trout
Well, I bought a pack of Trout Fillets at Sainsbury last night and the allergy advice on the back said "Contains Fish". I was so surprised that I asked one of the helpful assistants if they could find me one which didn't contain fish. After five minutes of looking I was told "Thats all we have, its not very good is it?". Ah well.....
( Spackweasel - because weasels get Downs Syndrome too, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 17:03, Reply)

Many many years ago
when Britain still had the death penalty for very odd things that never really happened like treason, arson in the royal dockyards, fannying about on her majesty's ships and the like, a working gallows had to be kept just in case we needed to hang someone. These weren't used for ages after it was abolished for murder so they gradually fell into a state of disrepair until some prison official noticed and brought it to the relevant authorities attention. The official report advised that they really should be sorted out sharpish as they were so decrepit that it was only a matter of time before somebody got killed on them.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Thu 26 Oct 2006, 16:46, Reply)

I advise a new topic
Because there's no way I'm going to do anymore work today ...
(frankspencer, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 16:22, Reply)

My mother has her own brand of folk sayings
My favourite being "You can take a ferret to a rabbit hole, but if it falls asleep you'll still have to gas the buggers".

It's usually better not to ask.
(Throbbe, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 16:18, Reply)

I put it to you that
if you find yourself using the phrase "ooyah me jacksie" with any regularity, a lifestyle change is due.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Thu 26 Oct 2006, 15:29, Reply)