Bloody students.
When I was in uni, living in halls of residence, there was a couple across the way who would have sex right in front of the their window. Pretty much on the dot at 17:30 everyday. She always went on top or took him from behind so she was usually on display. She had quite nice boobies. She knew they were being watched, she'd smile at her audience sometimes, I think it turned her on.

My girlfriend and I reciprocated occassionaly.
(initialised, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 13:58, 5 replies)

And this in from xkcd.com...


(I suppose you have to be an engineering geek like myself to really appreciate that one...)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 17 Oct 2007, 13:55, 7 replies)

Intentional sex noise
At uni, to annoy my mate who lived next door I would pull my bed a good inch and a half away from the paper-thin wall before royally going for it with the missus, so it had more momentum and banged all the louder. I also know that his girl makes a mewing sound when she's excited.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 13:49, Reply)

A really unpleasant sexual encounter...
..when I was 18 and very impressionable, I was press-ganged into having it away with a married woman called Antonia.

She was very buxom and husky voiced... real wank fantasy stuff, and wore g-strings, which as a hormonally challenged teen I found very appealing.

We got down to it in her boudoir, pretty mundane stuff, missionary position, I pounded away, getting increasingly more vociferous and sweaty until I let forth a startling payload of semen into her slack crimson flue.

I was bought out of my post-coital reverie by the sound of a polite round of applause. On looking up I saw her children, husband, parents, in-laws and various friends and well wishers, who had all stolen into the room during my amorous maschinations and were holding up placards by way of grading my performance.

I had scored an average of 2, but according to the mother in law, I could've improved on this by stimulating the clitoris and teasing the nippled between my teeth by way of tittilation (if you pardon the pun).

Damned voyeurs
(Vic Flange, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 13:46, Reply)

camping
On a camping trip with my mate Neil, we ended up sharing a tent with a double inflatable mattress - separate sleeping bags, we're not benders.

One night, Neil pulls in the (very) locals pub, and I fuck off back to the tent. Just as i'm falling asleep, the tent opens and Neil sticks his head in - 'listen mate, we havent got anywhere to go, do you...erm... mind...?' - i roll over, stick my earphones in and curl up into my sleeping bag and brace myself.

After 10 mins of being kicked a lot, I am now very firmly bumping up and down, exactly 180 degrees out of phase with the humping couple next to me. Its absolutely pitch black and its rather weird, especially as all i can hear is master of puppets by metallica.

The humping pauses and I change album. Suddenly, theres a tapping on my head, getting more frantic. I take out an earphone, its Neil, whispering urgently - "look! look at this! look down!".

In the pitch darkness all i can see is an illuminous green bangle moving up and down quite rapidly. After a few seconds and my eyes adjust, i can just also make out a slightly green hand and a slightly green cock, lit dimly by the bangle. It was quite an impressive sight. Not the cock, which was like a normal cock, only smaller.

I went back to sleep.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 13:32, 2 replies)

Inter-railing
In the summer of 1991, I and two mates went backpacking round Europe on an Inter Rail ticket. On our first night, we were in Paris, and ended up in a youth hostel out in the sticks (Athis-Mons). We were put up in the terrace room, basically the overflow from all the good rooms. There were about a dozen bunk beds in the room.

Anyway, Dave and I went to our beds relatively early, what with it being our first night and because we'd been up since quarter-to-stupid in the morning. Ian, being a more sociable animal, went for a drink. In the meantime, I had found out in a very pleasant way that the dorm was in fact mixed, as a girl came in, whipped off her top and bra, slipped on a t-shirt and got into the next bunk to me. When Ian came back, he didn't realise this and decided to get changed into his "sleeping boxers" in the middle of the room. So he's standing there in the buff, with his particularly small genitalia on view, when Dave alerted him to the fact that lasses were present. Unfortunately, this also alerted everyone else in the room, who turned over, opened their eyes and saw Ian's little shrivelled worm.

He did get some recompense next morning though, as the shower rooms were communal too, and he got a good sight of young beaver!

Vive le France.

Length? About an inch. Seriously.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 12:57, 5 replies)

Teenage party shenanigans
It was late summer '93 and my college mates were about to decamp to the far flung further educational establishments of the land after getting our A Level results. A friend of a friend arranged to throw a farewell shindig at her parents gaff which was quite posh and well appointed, the ground floor being generously spacious to accommodate a bunch of pissed teenagers.

The turnout was impressive, with a good twenty odd of my friends and a scattering of people I didn't know. At nineteen, I was a full year older than anyone else there which had some kudos. Anyway, after a few cans of Luftwaffe lager I'm sufficiently sociable enough to engage in conversation with anyone passing. I ended up chatting to a young lass - sixteen - for about half an hour or so and there was some subtle flirting going on. Actually, who am I trying to kid? We were drunken teenagers so it was probably about as subtle as a runaway shitwagon, but hey. I had a sudden attack of this thing called 'conscience' and realised that she was JUST sixteen and therefore too young for the likes of me dallying with.

So I did the honorable thing and went off for a smoke at the end of the garden and laid on the wall, watching the stars and enjoying some chilled out quiet time.

A good fifteen minutes of quiet time later I sauntered back toward the party. Walking down the dark lawn I was startled to notice a white pulsating object next to my right foot. What the hell...?

Upon closer inspection the white object appeared to be a disembodied arse hovering a few inches above the ground. Moreover it appeared to be oscillating up and down. In my alcohol fuddled brain, the significance of this fact took a vital few seconds to filter into my consciousness as I noticed a knee on either side of the arse. Whoopsy.

No doubt the protagonists assumed I was some kind of pervert, so blushing furiously, I headed back to the party. Now the bit that was uncalled for was me summoning everyone into the garden, dimming the music and at my signal inciting the audience to cheer loudly.

Bless em, they carried on regardless with nary a pause.

The significant bit? Well, the knees belonged to the very same lady whom I was being flirted with earlier in the evening. I like to think I was the warm up act...

Oh and when helping tidy up the next morning, I had to broom over the buttock imprint in the dusty concrete.

[edited for grammer as pointed out by our esteemed rachelswipe]
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 17 Oct 2007, 12:20, 7 replies)

This is just weird
I think this just about counts...but the first time I had sex with an ex, we did it in her older brother's room. I'm not really sure why we, but we never actually had sex in her bed, but everyone elses (brothers, sisters (other house) and nephews...). But anyway...

Now, she was one of those girls who idolised her brother which may have been why we were in there...but at the time it was because we'd went in there so she could check her emails as he had the only PC in the house, and one thing led to another. Nothing strange there you'd think.

Early next morning I here people moving about outside the room - her parents - then she whispers in my ear "don't move!", and before I could react her dad comes in to check his emails. I hear him mumble "fer fucks sake" under his breath...before he merrily checks his emails anyway!! I've never been so still in my life!

What kind of weirdo checks his emails while his daughter is lying in bed with a guy she's just had sex with!!??
(Zutroy started without you, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 12:09, Reply)

not really voyerism but along the same line
In my mid teens i owed quite a few people a fair bit of money.
Anyways long story short to clear this debt a group of my mates said they would clear my debt, give me a score and an 8th of the finest hash romfords ever seen if i was to perfom a simple demeaning dare.
So i walk into threshers picked up a bottle of wine took it to the till and as expected.
"Got any id mate?"
Flopped my dick on the table and went "hows that for id?!"
Im still banned from that off licence to this day, 5 years later.

Length? Well it made your little sister choke.
(rossydizzle, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 12:07, Reply)

Erm does hearing count?
Clear evidence of my mad ex cheating i.e him phoning me mid shag about this time last year, it was definitely more than I needed to hear.

I'm out celebrating this weekend as life is much better without him!

Not quite a repost but nearly so sorry.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 12:00, Reply)

For some reason I'm still friends with the lad in this story...
Completely forgot about this one...when I was 19 I had a job behind a bar in a hotel. Now some nights would drag massively as it was only a quiet bar unless a function was on, and on this particular night there were three of us on and no customers so we started talking.....shit basically. For some reason we got onto the subject of whether you had ever jacked off outside or somewhere weird, one of the barmen I was working with told me how he had been staggering back home one night when he passed a Lloyds chemist with a very obvious CCTV camera in the front window, so what did he do? Yup he dropped his kecks and thrapped one out right in front of the camera and whoever else might have been passing at the time. I’ve always wondered whether an employee at Lloyds ever actually checked the tape from that night, I would love to have seen the look on their face.

Length? Not great apparently; he’d been drinking.
( MonkeyOfCode is your favourite waste of time, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Damn housework!
I have just discovered evidence, while cleaning out cupboards, that my bf (of 8 years) is cheating on me.
Does that count as voyeurism? My imagination can fill in the details well enough.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 11:31, 8 replies)

I have been watching every day....
.. for the past 6 months as 31 other members of staff trudge their hopeless way through day, after endless, dreary day.

I sit, occupy my time with small pointless tasks and wait out the clock.

There is surely more to life than this?
(Vic Flange, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 11:21, Reply)

when i lived in walthamstow
i was walking past the carwash near the tube station when a stark naked indian mad emerged. he'd been taking a shower in the carwash.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 11:11, Reply)

Italian voyeurism
In my surveying days I used to work with a short arsed, prudish, yet perverted Italian bloke. Whilst staying away with him on a job in London we were staying in our regular hotel called the Euro, now this hotel has certain rooms (to the back of the hotel) that look out onto another block of high rises.
Now previous to my trip away with the short arsed Italian, he had stayed away in one of the back facing rooms before and had been treated to a couple getting down to business in one of the windows of the building opposite, being the little pervert that he is he quite happily sat there at the window watching as much of the free show as possible before the woman finally closed the curtains on him.
When the Italian and I arrived at our room for the week, said Italian produced one of the levellers (telescopic equipment used for levelling) and proceeded to set it up in the room facing the window where he had caught the action during his previous stay. He even levelled and focused the damn thing perfectly! We then went out to dinner and had a few drinks, but the whole time he was twitching and suggesting we should head back to the room to see if the couple he had caught last time might be at it, and so I eventually gave up trying to get drunk around London with him and headed back to the hotel where we were treated to a show of....fuck all. However this didn’t discourage the little pervert as he positioned himself behind the leveller checking all other windows in the vicinity for a good hour or so before he finally got bored and went to sleep.
That’s pretty much where that story ends, but I did learn something else about my Italian colleague during that week which is that before taking the first RO in the travis after setting up our equipment I always noticed that he would use the theodolite to check nearby buildings, I figured he was creating a landmark reference should the equipment be knocked and the travis could not be relied upon, but no, true to his nature that I observed in the hotel room he does in fact check every window in nearby buildings in the hope that he might catch somebody undressing or in the act.
( MonkeyOfCode is your favourite waste of time, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 11:04, Reply)

Not strictly "intimate and private", but...
...When I worked in London we had a warehouse guy, Stevie (I think I've mentioned him in these pages before). He was a lovely bloke, lived in Hackney.

One morning he turned up really late, bleary eyed and looking like he'd not gone to bed.

"Sorry I'm late" he said "I overslept coz I was up most of the night watching someone get kicked to death outside my front gate"

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 10:53, Reply)

just wonderin
does watchin ya misses havin a poo count
(free scooby !! bad grammar an spelling since 1985, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 10:38, 2 replies)

For whatever reason
i get a goose skin when i watch somebody knitting. A few years back there was this really beautiful knitting girl in my train. I kept staring at her for the whole trip (about one hour) and fell in some kind of hypnotic sleep. finaly i missed my station.
(FoxA / DannyWeinkauf, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 10:34, Reply)

Distance peeing
I sell mattresses. My 11 hour work day consists of 1 hour selling mattresses and 10 hours of killing time. (How I found b3ta)

So I drink. A lot.

After consuming 2 bottles of wine one night I was feeling quite jovial. I felt the urge and it was 1/2 hour before closing so I headed into the mens room to piss. I had my dick out before I was even close to the toilet. Being as drunk and as bored as I started pissing about 8 meters away from the toilet with the door wide open.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh...." I declared with my head back and my eyes closed.

When I opened my eyes about a minute later I noticed a family of 5 trying beds just a few feet (meters) away from where I was urinating with my dick in my hand.

They bought a Simmons Beautyrest.

Screw length, I was going for distance.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 10:27, Reply)

Why?
I work in a engineering factory - all men but me.

They never ever ever shut the toilet door when they go for a wee.

Why!

I close the door when I go - it's only polite.
( girlinthehole, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 9:56, 3 replies)

A few months ago
I used to live with a lesbian couple, a straight couple and a single lesbian.(Im straight)
The funny part was that the straight couple's bedroom was under the lesbians. Guess who complained about the sex noises being so loud all the time...

the straight couple!!!!
(fruity maybe there is a fifth way..., Wed 17 Oct 2007, 9:27, Reply)

I went swimming with a girlfriend once,
somewhere near bromley, so far away from my home thankfully. Anyway, I was a horny bastard at the time and of course playing around in water with someone you fancy is a bit of a turn on, well, allot of a turn on actually.

Anyway, once we had finished swimming or whatever it was we were doing, we nipped into the same changing room, small cubical, more like one of those portaloo cabins with an open ceiling. Things got a bit heated and well, things happened, "heavy petting" as they say.

Now I don't know if I was just suffering from a touch of paranoia, but the looks I got off of some of the female staff as we walked out was quite alarming! Being watched? I highly suspect so!
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 9:23, Reply)

oops
I was caught on camera this morning, doing things I shouldn't have been*


*85 in a 60 zone. Arse.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 9:19, 1 reply)

Gingers
At school we all used to change for swimming practice by wrapping a towel around us to prevent the exposure of our nether regions to everyone.
Not the ginger though. He let it all hang out, exposing us to a fiery red bush with his tiny knob hanging out.

Not only did he get his ass kicked but we aptly named him, "Ginger-pubes."
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 7:44, Reply)

beach bj
Parked at a quiet patch of ocean front. There was a piece of equipment, bull dozer I believe, nearby. No visible life around. After a good fifteen minutes of choking on the flesh porpoise i look up to make sure the area is still desolate.... no... peeping out from behind the machinery some creepy old nasty freak was trying out his night vision looking binoculars.... i guess he developed a kink for observing makeout/sweaty fumblings point so much so to buy observation equipment.
(MaryMolotov Spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy&Bruised, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 5:42, 1 reply)

Last Railway Story.... honestly...
O.K, last one (because I know you're all bored of Train Driver stories now),

When replacing our 50 year old trains with new, modern styled and wonderfully reliable units, the health and safety nazis decided that in the 'accessible toilet' (that's the offical name, drivers and guards have a different name which is too cruel to publish, even for b3ta) people needed an emergency alarm button, just incase you got into trouble doing what human beings have managed unaided for the last couple of thousand years...

Anyhew - I'm covering a Guards job, which basically means I walk through the train, answering the same questions 200 times and try to explain that I *can't* sell any tickets, because I'm really a Driver in disguise.
Then the alarm goes off - now normally in this situation, I'd page the guard and ask him/her to attend to the location, but as I'm the guard today, I happily wander down the train to the toilet where someone has pressed the alarm.

I knock on the door - no answer. I try shouting through the door - again, no answer - so being technically minded (and getting annoyed by the *usual* gremlins) I override the door lock and press the door open button;

Only to find two young ladies using the facilities. One on the toilet, the other waiting for her turn, but having already dropped her skirt and panties. Everything was on show.. x2.

That'll teach them to confuse the flush button with the emergency button... although strangely I'm very, very glad they did..
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 1:02, 4 replies)

Amorous Neighbours
Before buying our own house, my wife and I lived in a block of units that consisted of two buildings either side of a shared driveway. One night in the wee small hours, we were awoken by some loud suspicious noises coming from the unit opposite. Our unit was slightly more elevated than the other, so when we looked out of our window we had a perfect view of the bizarre scene that was about to be played out in front of us. Our large, hairy, neighbour was entertaining a tall, lanky gentleman who apparently had the taste for a bit of S&M. It basicaly went along these lines: A bit of light slapping across the chest and backside; a bit of harder slapping with a horse whip; a bit of fellatio; break for a hit from the bong beside the bed; more fellatio; more whipping; eject the inquisitive cat from the bedroom; more fellatio; toilet break...and this is where it gets interesting, while our neighbour was still off in the bathroom her guest calls out to her at the top of his lungs "Can you hurry up, I need to cum...I've got to work in the morning!" Cue every light in the unit block flicking on at once. Oblivious to the sudden increase in audience numbers, our neighbour promptly returned to the bedroom yelling "Righto, Righto...hold your horses!", before crawling up onto all fours and inviting the bloke for a trip along the hershey highway. After a brief fit of thrusting and grunting his demands had been fulfilled, and the show was over...or so we thought. The next morning my wife and I were still giggling about the nocturnal show as we were making our breakfast, but my wifes giggles quickly turned into a scream as she looked out the kitchen window while filling the kettle. Standing on the balcony opposite, in the now harsh light of day, was the male protagonist of the nocturnal drama, drinking his morning coffee, stark bollocks naked. It wasn't the last show we got off our neighbour but it was definitely the most memorable.
(Alonso14, Wed 17 Oct 2007, 0:15, Reply)

I actually have two stories for this one.

Story One; Somewhere on the south coast in the summer having a day out with the family at age around 14. Clearly a time for raging hormones. I decided to take a wander down the beach looking for some nudists. On the way I came across a couple doing a little foreplay, well actually the guy was kind of pulling his ladies bikini bottoms down and biting on her ass cheeks, very strange. But it got weirder, as I neared the nudist zone I spotted (and im sure others mustve done? perhaps not) a strange man hidden under the cover of foliage and an umbrella in the dunes with a telephoto lense. I shit you not. Even worse a strange naked man walked past me baring all. I decided this was getting a bit too freaky and probably wasnt worth the accrued spank bank images i was hoping for, as I turned back the naked man again turned around and walked back past me displaying his bits. All a bit worrying. Fortunately that was around 1999, when everyone including me started getting the net, and naked flesh was easier after that...which brings me to story number two...

At uni I lived with what can only be described as a bunch of jokers. One of my housemates, James, had a profile on that Faceparty sight and another housemate had discovered the password and predictably changed James's faceparty details to say he was gay. So the next day he gets a chat invite from this guy "Dave". Dave was a homo looking for a good time and had clearly been wooed by James's faceparty profile. Once James realised he'd been set up he decided to pass the torch of rinsing to Dave. So he calls us in and we engage Dave in some saucy MSN chat, we want to see him, does he have a webcam? Well yes he does, but he wont put it on if James doesnt get one out. We peg it upstairs to Andy's room, get his webcam out and James resumes the chat, meanwhile the remaining 5 of us are crowded off camera watching.
Dave was fat, middle aged and decidedly ugly, he was in fact everything I would imagine a regular paedo to be, including this weird little grin. Dave seemed to think pulling his shirt up and rubbing his man tits would appear attractive. We encouraged James to show him some more skin, He got his muscles out, showed his boxered arse off a bit. Then Dave proceeds to get up, strip down to his little yellow thong and start doing a weird dance somewhat like a hula as he takes his pants down to reveal his little member dancing along with the motion. Que the lines on MSN "meet my friends" and we pan the webcam over to the five of us giving Dave the wanker motion. He scrambled to shut off his cam and left the chat, but to this day id lay money on him cracking one off after having enjoyed the humiliation. I on the other hand nearly pissed myself.

My first contribution to the boards after months of lurking.

Regards.
(photot, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 23:11, 1 reply)

Randy Fuckers
While on duty at my place of work the disabled toilet alarms went off...

i rushed there, calling if they were alright...no answer and the door was locked.

i opened the door to find one fellow blowing his load over his boyfriends face...not nice.

i left the alarm going until they had cleaned up
(BJCDLL, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 22:29, Reply)