As a grad student
Met a girl in a bar during grad school. We go out on a spectacularly good first date which ends up as a walk along the river by the building I go to classes in. I ask if she wants to see the grad office (room of desks), which she does.

I wasn't expecting much, but she sits on my desk, facing me with her legs open and almost around me. Things are heating up when the janitor opens the door, sees us in the dark and says, "excuse me" and leaves immediately.

She is embarassed, so I talk her into visiting the computer room inside the office space, which locks. The door can be barricaded, and there's a couch. Despite the interruption, we end up in various stages of undress. Both half nude, I am over her and ask about the other guy she is seeing.

"How, uh, serious are you"?
"Not this serious," she replied.

It was a good night. . .

But on Monday, I pull said janitor aside and thank him for his discretion.

"Oh, that was you"? he replied. "Don't worry. I've seen that in every building on campus."

But he declined to talk any further on it, a discreet and accidental voyeur. Judging by that comment and his silence following, he probably could've blackmailed a lot fo people.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 8:05, Reply)

I once saw
George Bush fuck the world.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 7:06, 1 reply)

Festival fun
I was at Big Day Out '04 as a young 15 year old lass, and standing in the dreaded long toilet queue.
"How's it going?" asked a fellow next to me.
"Yeah good thanks," I said. "And yourself?"
"Pretty good, having fun so far?"
After a bit more small talk, I realised that one of his arms was by his side and holding his penis. Which was weeing on a fence as we were speaking.
"Aargh!" I screamed suddenly.
"Oh, come on," he said good naturedly. "Haven't you ever seen someone wee before?"
After gasping over the fact that I'd just seen a stranger's penis, I realised that there was quite a few men lined up and peeing against the wall. They waved!

I ran far, far, away. Then I realised there was a shorter line just nearby. Great success!
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 5:49, Reply)

George Bush
Had just been elected President and I happend to be, at the time, dating a girl who was a prominent Republican Senator's Chief of Staff for the EPW (Environment and Public Works)...she was absolutely mad.

Anyway, one night we meet up for dinner at a romantic place just around the corner from the Senate Office Buildings and after a couple of pre-dinner cocktails and 2 bottles of wine, she suggested she show me her office.

So she is giving me the tour of the building and she takes me into the room where that particularly (EPW) Senate committe meets and she points to a chair and says "Thats Hilary's chair."

So, being a little drunk myself, I walked over and sat down on it and said 'Its not very comfortable.' It was then that this whack-job of a girl decided to sit, facing me on my lap...hitching up her dress to do so...

And she wasnt wearing any drawers (knickers).

So we are hammering away at it, me, say, now bare-assed in the Junior Senator from New Yorks leather committee seat...and I am looking around the room and I spotted some cameras. To be clear, there were 15, 12 of them security cameras...constantly running.

When we left the building and passed through the Security office area, the guard on duty had this sly grin on his face. He had watched the whole entire thing.

Cheers,
Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 4:44, 1 reply)

windows
I was once sat in a sunny bathroom facing a big un-curtained window, inspecting my vagina parts for evidence of poxy disease to explain the burning sensation, when I suddenly realised that the landlord/handyman was climbing up a ladder directly in front of me.

I'm *reasonably* sure he was looking up.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 1:50, Reply)

oldies
not me but my mothers story.
she was a warden in a block of OAP flats (in croyden).
the procedure every morning was to call every resident on the intercom. ie to make sure they were still alive.
so one morning no answer from mrs jones, so mother went upstairs to check all was well. she let herself in with a master key. shouted out the name, still no answer.
opened the bedroom door and there was mrs jones
on top of mr wilson, giving him a reet good seeing to. both stark naked.
now my mother was a very victorian lady in her attitude to all matters of a personal nature.
the word shock, just doesnt do justice to mothers reaction.
i laughed like a drain when she told me.

ps. both mrs jones and mr wilson esq, were in their eighties!
(brussellsprout Im a fucking genius. official., Sun 14 Oct 2007, 1:18, 2 replies)

We were doing a 'getin'
for some newly formed public company, british gas, or somesuch, annual general meeting, at the NEC when one of the riggers, who had been after one of the lasses for aeons, managed to get her in his room at the hotel on the aformentioned site. Other riggers has made the abseil from their rooms, down to his, 'jumarred' accross to see him frantically eating this lady, with her bra over his ears,looking like headphones, twiddling her nipples and occasionally shouting 'Come in Tokyo, Come in Tokyo' between mouthfuls.

My how juvenile we were, laughing.
(lordy lordy, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 1:15, 1 reply)

A Hull Bound Moment
I watched a blind guy walk into a wall once...

I could see he was aiming for the doorway, and I could also see that he was about 1 foot too far to the right...

I also had time to shout out my window "watch out!"...

but instead I sat there peering out at him as he walked face first into the brick wall.

And yes, I laughed my arse off.
(bitchman contains mild peril, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 1:00, Reply)

Rachelswipe reminded me
Here's a cracker from work. I still have the evidence, somewhere. So here's the scenario. I work for a major US telco, and I'm a techie. So I get to hear about techie issues... :)

The CEO was planning to give an all-hands video broadcast from his HQ conference room on a certain day. Being that he was quite an unforgiving type, we techies wanted to make sure that everything was working before his broadcast. So the day before, we set up all the videoconferencing stuff; cameras, monitors and so on.

Well, this system was a PictureTel system, with special auto-follow, auto-zoom cameras with directional mikes. The deal was that the cameras in the room would automatically swing to the person speaking, and then zoom in on them. Kind of cool. We tested this all out, and made sure that all the folks around the world could see, and it was all working for them, too. So when we were all done, we just switched off the TV in the conference room and turned off the lights as we walked out.

Well, it so happened that - much later that evening - a couple decided that they'd make a little whoopee on the conference table. Sneaking into the conference room, they turned on all the lights and stripped, and then started some quite energetic sex at, and on, the head of the table.

Well, this was at about 2 am Eastern time - a perfect time of day for all the folks in Europe to be getting into the office and start preparing for the big meeting. And all the folks in Asia-Pac were waiting in the office...

Given the auto-zoom cameras, it didn't take someone long to go "hey, guys - check this out" and a techie in Geneva to hit "record"... Said techie made it into a Quicktime movie and had the link out to his mates within ten minutes of them finishing. Then the link started to make the rounds, and was around the company by the time the broadcast started the next day.

It turned out that this couple was married, but not to each other... In fact, each was a quite-senior manager married to another BigTelco employee. Each of their spouses got the link to the video, the next morning...
(lustfish, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 1:00, Reply)

Doggy fashion
The most classy one I remember, ever, was one that my mate saw. He was living in a house in Stevenage with a couple of other lads. The landlord put the house on the market, but let the lads continue to live in it while he sold it.

One evening, Mr. Landlord brought someone around to view the house, and being a rude f*cker, didn't bother knocking - ever. So he's wandering about the house, showing the potential buyer, and walks into one of the lads' bedrooms.

Where said lad is vigorously and enthusiastically rogering his bird from behind. The best bit was that he didn't even miss a stroke. He bid the landlord (and the open-mouthed prospective purchaser) a cheery good evening, and started, while pumping away, pointing out the features of the room. His g/f, meanwhile, pulled a pillow over her head and otherwise didn't move.

Sheer class.
(lustfish, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 0:45, Reply)

There was this story once...
With this girl i'd be Trying to get with for around 3 years...

Eventually she gave in [or got dumped by her boyfriend] and decided it was time enough, it was all going well, if rather noisily, when a group of 5 and 6 year old kids than run past my house. Everything in our road Echos to fuck, and my window was open.
Que five minutes later:-

"This is the house mummy,"
"No son, She isnt being hurt,She was just praying loudly"
"::violent almost orgasmic screams from child:: Does god love me now mummy?"

From that day forward, i've always checked my window has been closed, and we've hardly ever spoken of it since.
( [DTMX] Fishing hook, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 0:26, Reply)

shite seeing
about 15 years ago i'd popped up to Dartmoor one rainy autumn afternoon to pick some magic mushrooms

the night before i'd drunk a lot of rough cider and my guts were turning over badly

i was near the brow of a hill and found a small dip in the ground where i thought none of my friends would be able to see me and squatted down for an explosive shit

just as my arsehole went off, i coach full of elderly day trippers drove past not 15 feet behind me on a road i was previously unaware of

if you have an elderly relative who returned from a day trip to dartmoor, in 1992, gnashing their false teeth and wailing about unspeakable things, i'm sorry about that
(globalloon, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 23:58, 1 reply)

bonk shop
one time i was overtaken by amorous urges in a bookshop after having spied a very attractive young woman.

we ended up having sex, standing up, between the shelves of books(!)

just as i had climaxed I looked up and saw a surprised looking male friend looking at us through the shop window.
(globalloon, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 23:37, 1 reply)

can't believe i'm admitting this!
after a works do one night when i was still with the bedshitter, we got all raunched up and decided to run back to the office. this was a huge city law firm and we had recently moved into swish new offices.

all the meeting and reception rooms were on the top floor. in particular the board room was about thirty feet long, with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city. in that room was the biggest round polished wooden table imaginable. anyone who walked into that room and didn't think about screwing their brains out on it was sexually retarded. or working. whatever.

so i persuaded the 'shitter that we should head up to the top floor and do rude things to each other on the table. well, he didn't take that much persuading. convinced we were alone in the office apart from the sleeping security guard downstairs, we started in the lift and ran down the corridor, clothes strewn all over the place.

when we reached the meeting room, i was just in my skirt, stockings and bra, whilst he was just in his pants (retch). we panted up to the door, swung it open, and -

froze in horror at the sight of one of our fat, old tax partners nailing his not much less fatter, older married secretary right in the middle of the table. he was still in his shirt and tie, pasty chubby buttocks heaving, and oh yes, he had left his socks on. why? why??

for a moment we all stood there, staring at each other. noone knew about us, and we sure as fuck hadn't known about them. then the bedshitter slowly shut the door and we ran back down the corridor from the horrible sight.

didn't put us off enough to stop us doing it in the disabled toilets on the way back down, though. meh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 23:36, 8 replies)

Aural voyeurism?
An old friend used to live in a shared house with a profoundly deaf couple, who, as young couples do, would regularly rut like a Land Rover traversing a wet English field. You think you make loud sex noises? No moderation with this pair, even when we were in the room next door, entertaining his mum and dad. ARRRROOOOGH! UUURRRF!!! and etc.
(Mousy Tongue ...Generally bemused by life..., Sat 13 Oct 2007, 22:46, Reply)

One of my flatmates....
seems not to understand the shout "im having a wank" when he knocks on the door of another of my flatmates rooms. few times now hes jst walked in on flatmate two midstroke...we're slightly worried
(Clashrock is being stalked by his brother on, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 22:14, Reply)

Ticket to Hull, please (part 2)
A year after I left M hall, one of the people from my block went back for another year. One of the newbies in his block was, improbably enough, called Walter.

One evening, it was decided that something needed to be retrieved from Walter's room. He wasn't around, so the natural course of action was to knock on the door, and, when there was no reply, try it anyway to see if he'd left it unlocked.

He had - but he hadn't left the building. He was lying on his back, headphones on, oblivious to the world around him, doing what came to be known as "having a Walter".
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 21:34, 1 reply)

close the curtains, purlease!!!
This story dates back to when I was a little bit younger, during the last years of school - when I had a car for the first time (a little blue mini) and I could go out with mates whenever I wanted to - drinking, smoking or whatever we felt like.

With this healthy dose of freedom I could come and go as I please. So much so that even my mum didn't wait up for me any longer. I could be back at one in the morning or three days later - the world was my oyster.

Anyhoo, there was a downside to this freedom. Coming home late - usually after midnight - led me to witness a most frightful sight. The vision of a man wanking. This wasn't a one off either.

The bloke over the road had recently split up with his wife. This was big news in our small village - it was quite possibly the only break up that had become public knowledge since Joanne's dad had left his missus for one of the school caretakers ten years ago.

One night I came home late and went to shut the blinds on the window to my very small bedroom. In the window of the house opposite I could see someone in the living room. Was he naked? Was he standing in the middle of the living room with one foot on the sofa. Was he biffing one out while watching a hardcore porn video. Indeed he was, and all I could do was stare. I was disgusted but enthralled at the same time. Should I let the rest of the village know about it? Was the hot girl next door also watching him at the same time? Where did he get his pornos? This continued for several months. The only satisfaction I got from it was the reassurance that I wasn't gay - I could watch him without getting a hard-on!

I decided to keep it to myself and made a mental note to myself to always shut the curtains before biffing one out myself. I managed to keep my promise for a few months until I got extremely drunk on champagne at a friends wedding, where I managed to tell the whole story to a table full of strangers. A few weeks later I went to Uni and that was the last I ever saw of the guy, thank God.
( caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 21:32, Reply)

Ticket to Hull, please (part 1)
I began my long student career at Hull in 1995; for my first year, I lived in a complex of halls just outside the city that had been built in - I guess - the 1960s. In the vein of sixties utopianism, some of the rooms were shared.

It was widely believed that two guys in a shared room in N hall - Hullies will know which this is - had an arrangement whereby each drilled a small hole in the side of his wardrobe, so that if and when one pulled, the other would be able to watch.

Neither of them was me - I lived in M, nearer the bar (yay!) - though I had a few friends who lived in N...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 21:30, Reply)

sticky fingers
Mate and I in a club, he pulled a girl and we all went back to her flat. I kept her mate company while they got it on. One thing led to another and I was 3 fingers in knuckles deep when the door opened and in walked the boyfriend she'd neglected tomention until the door handle turned. Quick smart I pulled my hand out and proffered it to him, 'nice to meet you, just having a quick coffee while I wait, hark at them two in there etc'. I'm sure there was a just about audible squelch as our handshake ended.

Length? When I saw her again the next night before the beer goggles activated, it wasn't a lot I can tell you. Lucky escape number 1. Lucky escape number 2 came via the pizza shop fire exit when she stalked me all night. Cheers for that Dave.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 19:08, Reply)

Wherever I go there's always poo
On a recent drive across a third of the world for charitable purposes I found myself in the middle of Western Mongolia with a little bit of a dodgy stomach - all the mutton and noodles we'd been living on for 30 or so days were taking their toll.

Halfway across what can only be described as a sand luge, I had to get my co-driver to stop the car as my stomach was cramping so badly I thought I was going to pass out in the not-very-comfortable heap of junk we were driving. In a matter of minutes I was on my hands and knees behind the car trying not to screech with the pain, praying the rest of the convoy would fuck off and leave me to writhe in agony.

I managed to swallow a couple of co-codamol and get back into the car. We set off again, me pale and sweating. About two minutes later we passed the only bit of vegetation I'd seen all day. I knew that was my only chance. I leapt out of the car, grabbed the shovel from the roofrack and legged it to a patchy bush about 10 metres back. I barely managed to position myself before my ass essentially exploded. It wasn't pleasant, and was probably even worse for the marmot whose burrow I had just filled with shit.

I got back to the car feeling somewhat better... only to discover my co-driver - a bloke who I had only just met a couple of weeks before - had been happily watching the whole thing in the rear view mirror.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 19:05, Reply)

car sex
I was 19 , in the army and out on exercise,(mod land) in wiltshire . my troop wanderd through fields and some small woods when we stopped ready to bed down, rifles loaded with blanks and thunderflashes in pockets, my CSGT(colour sargent)calls out whos making silly noises to shut up! suddenly I sees a car parked by a fence just off the dirt track, looking through my night scope there seemed to be some great entertainment going on. I called my CSGT over and explained I think I know were the noises were being made came from.
So 15 men in full camoflage and tooled up to our eyeballs gaverd around this small citren car which seemed to have a problem with its suspention as it was rocking up n down steamed up windows CSGT placed a few thunder flashes quietly under neath the car and crawled back away
BOOM! then screams as a car door opened and a franticly scared woman naked and a half dressed man knaked waist down got out seeing 15 guys going way hey m8, the couple got back in the car and drove off very fast
but I will admit he had a cracking bit of stuff in the car and I with my m8s ruined his fun
(mr sheep is down stairs with empty maple syrup jar, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 18:54, Reply)

The shame
I was about 15 and I used to watch my two next door neighbours (18 and 20) sunbathe topless in their garden from my window.. and whack off.

And I used to watch their mum doing the same.. and whack off.

Come on, I was 15!
(kna has forgotten everything., Sat 13 Oct 2007, 16:54, 1 reply)

Oh go on then, here's another
A long time ago, in the part of my life I refer to as "Before I was happy", myself and a friend decided to take our kids (one each, since you ask) out to the park for a run around. We'd been to the park at a weekend, so decided to go back to the same park. We packed up the kids, bikes, and her dog (I hate dogs, but there you go), and drove to the park.

When we arrived, we noted the car park looked fuller than we'd expected, and most of the cars were nice cars, not the usual family heaps that we were expecting. We thought nothing more of it, and off we went. We followed the kids down the usual path, while the dog relaxed as they do, by basically shitting on things (did I mention I hate dogs?).

Then we took an unusual turn, and so did events. We walked into a clearing we'd not seen before. Luckily I was in the lead. A largish gentleman wearing surprisingly little favoured me with a warm smile (at least that's what I think was under his handlebar moustache. I smile weakly, and continue, past some suspiciously rustling bushes. A few yards later, another chap looks me over, and winks suggestively. I just keep on going...

A moment later, my friend catches me up. She suggests we get out of there, pronto. I agree. We grab everything, and head back to the car park. I think I manage several smiles, three obscene gestures, and four wolf-whistles before I get back to the car. We chuck everything in, and peel out of the car park.

Later, back at my friend's place, we check out the Intertubes on the subject. If only we'd checked this before setting out. Or indeed this (NSFW), this (NSFW), or even this (NSFW). Or even just clocked the fact that there were lots of single men sitting in cars in the car park! I mean, there am I, with a dog, in this place. What was I thinking?

Length? About four feet of rubber trying to leave the car park. I didn't have a very fast car :( .
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 16:40, Reply)

Two in one
Night out, roughish club. I was in the bogs when a bloke I knew came in and started pulling his pud at one of the urinals.

"I met a girl I knew and shagged her by the bins. She wouldn't let me come in her, tho. Bitch."

The next week, same place, he came back into the club with blood pouring down his face. Different girl, same bins, but he lost his balance and fell over. Sweet.
(blairslovechild, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Obvious question...
Why is this QOTW? Surely it should be the Image Challenge?

A friend of mine found out (after the fact) that lace curtains only offer privacy during the daytime. Important point to remember, that....
(blairslovechild, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 16:16, 1 reply)

At the beach
Went to the Indiana Dunes with the then-gf for some romance (sex on the beach isn't just a drink). We walked along a dune looking for some privacy, and it was dark. While talking, we suddenly came across someone face down and not moving at all. I steer her away so the guy and apparently the girl under him can get back to moving. And she's asking what ahppened. I tell her there's a guy there, and when she can focus and see him, asks if he is alright and if we should check on him.

I took her arm to guide her to a more secluded spot than the other couple chose.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 16:15, Reply)

Essex
When my bf was 15 and living in Chelmsford, Essex, he was playing football with his mates in Hylands Park (of V Festival fame) when they spotted a woman with her tits out, bouncing up and down on her bloke in the middle of a grassy area, loud and proud. It was a hot day, so there were also at least three other women wandering about with their tits out as well (although not having sex apparently). Bf and his mates stop and watch the show for a bit, then carry on playing football. Bless.
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 15:55, Reply)

Worthy of comment, obviously
When I was at uni and sharing a house with three female friends (steady), nocturnal activities with respective boyfriends was inevitable. We were mostly polite and respected each other's privacy by not mentioning it if we heard anything through the thin walls (or listened on purpose).

All except for the girl who lived in the room directly beneath mine, who used to actually document how often we did it, what noises she heard and how "annoying" it was in detail on her Livejournal for everyone to read.

Length? Ask Katie - she probably used to time us.
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 15:25, Reply)