Heh, liking these management-speak posts
I have a telephone interview with BT tomorrow. I have been bricking it all day to the point that it's making me feel ill, despite not actually giving a fuck what happens.

Anyway, here are their brand values:
'Trustworthy- we do what we say we will
Helpful- we work as one team
Inspiring- we create new possibilities
Straightforward- we make things clear
Heart- we believe in what we do'

Wank.

Edit: Have just been informed that the above values spell SHHIT when rearranged.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 25 Apr 2007, 1:26, Reply)

there may be no 'I' in team
but there is a 'U' in cunt
(Superfool is going to skull-fuck your ladyfriends..., Wed 25 Apr 2007, 1:08, Reply)

"there's no 'i' in 'team"
There might not be no "i" in team, but I was going to say that there is ME in masturbation, but my spell check corrected me. However there is a U.
(Blue_in_Exile, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 1:04, Reply)

V. V. Bad.
This is a grim one. Long term relationship with cracking girl who I was way besotted with. We lived on the opposite sides of London, so only met at weekends, though usually for the whole weekend. (Spent alternately in the sack or the pub.) Anyway, on the relevant weekend I go a-calling and get the 'we need to talk' thing almost immediately.
Turns out my honey had been raped by a co-worker the previous weekend, and had somewhat gone off men. So what am I to do? Dumped because of some other fucker? She spent the rest of the weekend persuading me not to kill the cnut.

Perhaps not as bad as some peoples experiences since there was no 'personal sleight' element, but certainly one of the worst times of my life.

And for what it's worth I did even the score thanks to the advice of an older wiser mate. Framed the rapist for a different crime, shopped him to the filth, and then laughed all the way through the ten years of hard time he got as a 'nonce'.

Still miss that girl every day (20+ years now), and wish things had turned out differently. She was special, and he was a cnut, but he got what was coming to him in the shower block.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 0:08, Reply)

When I was about 16,
I had this girlfriend who seemed to throw a pissy distress attack every time it was apparent that I wasn't going out with her secretly.

My one-sentence solution was literally "I'm going to give you your birthday present and then I'm going to dump you."

BAM.

Take that, word-mincers.
(Slurpy The Frog, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 0:05, Reply)

"there's no 'i' in 'team'"
"True, but there is a 'u' in 'patronising motherfucker'"

Perhaps fortunately, I've yet to be on the receiving end of the "There's no 'i' in 'team'" bit.
( le brian, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 0:03, Reply)

Talking? It's good to talk?
I don't do a lot of dumping cause I'm a bloke, but a while back...

I was in a 'relationship' (and isn't that a bad sign?) with a lass who was a highly succesful and rich professional. We'd been introduced by mutual friends, me on the bounce from a divorce, her on a terminally single stint. As such I felt the need to make a go of it for the mutual friends sake.

After a few desultory dates and some pointless textbook sex I kind of came to the conclusion I couldn't be arsed with her, she was too dull. So, consulted another female chum about dumping etiquette. She suggested the 'we need to talk' route, and outlined the 'it's not you it's me' strategy. I spent a long time thinking about the best way to word it all, then did it by email.

Astoundingly we still speak civilly on those rare occasions we meet.

there'll be another story along in a minute.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 23:55, Reply)

It's team work that makes the dream work
I used to work in recruitment and the utter shite that exploded out of the mouths of some of my colleagues was quite, quite special. I had to endure hours of listening to people say things like "there's no i in team", "let's touch base" and "proactive staffing solutions". I was even forced to repeat such idiotic phrases myself, which I flatly refused. Every day I worked there, my heart became evermore blackened by the realisation that I was working with a bunch of absolute twunts.

In retaliation, team work does not make the dream work, you useless bunch of tossers. An AK47 and Molotov cocktail combo would be closer to the mark...

How about fuck off and die?
(madamebonsoir, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 23:23, Reply)

Yes Mr Anderson
.. but what is the point of talking if you have no mouth?

/mind not working
( Dr Scunner She’s a he, technically, but she’s scalding hot, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 23:00, Reply)

Ominous
In my experience these words are a precursor to harsh occurences,i was going out with this lass and when we met up one day her first words where " we need to talk "-soon afterwards i was bording the 19:15 service to Dumpsville calling at Heartbreak Junction.
(shug, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 21:30, Reply)

"We Have To Talk..."
"We have to talk." says she
"No, we don't." says I

*door slams*
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 20:57, Reply)

sex
you know it's coming when you've asked if you can stay at your boyfriends house and then an hour or so later you get the "we have to talk..." off your parents. They seem to forget that they had this talk with you once before and it resulted in you crying your eyes out because the thought of sex was "disgusting".

Am I the only one who's noticed that when you're young sex is a "beautiful" thing, but when you're old enough to be fucking everything in sight it's "disgusting" and you shouldn't be doing it?
(lei, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 20:18, Reply)

the best contraception? children.
Jude Fawley: We have to talk Sue...
Sue Bridehead: Not tonight Jude, the kids are hanging around.
(bollox, not again, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 19:17, Reply)

Yeah but...
"you're too fat" = "I was on a break from my ex and don't want you to ever speak to me again, just in case"
(mehmeh 0% witty, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 18:42, Reply)

Stopping calling isn't 'a guy thing'
Both genders are equally guilty of it. They can't face up to communication and conflict.

Also see 'it's not you, it's me'='it's you'
'let's take a break'='I'm already shagging someone else'
'let's just be friends'='go away and never call me again'
'I feel we've changed as people'='I think I can find someone better'
'I don't know if I can cope with a relationship at the moment'='I can only cope with a relationship where you do everything I say'
'I don't think I can give you the attention you need'='I expect you to listen to me at 2am, but sod off if you really need to talk and it's slightly inconvenient'

Although, the worst breakup reason I know of (and yes, from a guy) is 'you're too fat' *after* shagging for several weeks. That's pretty damn cold.
(EssY, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 17:46, Reply)

Twice in 24 hours. . .
I had woken up at around 8:45am in my girlfriend’s bedroom, alone, with a stinking hang-over and fully clothed (and wtf is that smell?!?). Anyway, while being hung-over in her bed was quite a frequent occurrence, the fact that I wasn’t bollock naked and semi-entwined with an equally naked girlfriend should have got the alarm bells ringing...

Having found my bearings and realised that Vicki (the girlfriend) was in the kitchen making eggs and coffee for breakfast, I got naked and under the covers ready for some morning sexy time before I had to head off to the studio! This scenario sounded great because I was seriously hung over, a bit horny and I love eggs (!!!) and up until this point she had never made me breakfast once (alarm bells should have been ringing here but no, male pride took over and I thought she was just trying to get some sweet, sweet Arola M0rre loving before I left).

After breakfast and coffee (for some reason Vicki wasn’t eating anything - alarm bells? No not yet!) and then she starts talking about the night before and what her boss had said to her in the pub and did I even remember anything about it?

Shit - I couldn’t remember a thing about last night... (Alarm bells ringing like fuck now!!)

And then she said “Well, we need to talk...”

As soon as she said “those four words” I knew what had happened last night. We had had this exact conversation the previous evening and I had refused to listen. In a drunken stupor I had decided not to take her seriously when she started talking about “Us”... I remember thinking it would be funny to say things like “You can’t finish with me, I’m the guy!” and “I don’t care if you don’t think we have a future together, I’m not letting you split up with me...” and “It can’t be over, it’s FRIDAY NIGHT lets split up on Monday instead!!” and then alternating between drunkenly chatting up her boss and trying to get Vicki to give me a blow job in the pub toilets.

So when she said “We need to talk...” It was pretty clear what was coming - She obviously wasn’t impressed that I hadn’t taken her seriously the night before when she wanted to discuss our relationship, or that I refused to take no for an answer and had insisted on coming back to her house after we had effectively split up, again due to me not taking her seriously. Nor was she happy that she had to sleep on the sofa in the front room because I was passed out in her bed... So she tells me that she is serious, she doesn’t know where this relationship is heading and she can’t see any future with me because all I want to do is go to her pub and get drunk for free every night.

So there you have it four words and that’s the end of our relationship – no morning sex and no more free booze at the pub where she worked. . . And to cap it off, I’m now bollock naked in my ex girlfriends bed because I hadn’t remembered that we split up the night before!!! So I have to get up, get dressed and leave without any sexy time... Humble pie or what!?

The story doesn’t end here. . . It gets worse in fact; it wasn’t until after I left and was on the tube that I remembered where the strange smell came from... I had been sick down the side of her bed in the night and just left it there... Oh, the shame!
(aroe_m0rre, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 17:33, Reply)

Not strictly "we have to talk" but similar.
Four years into a relationship and engaged, I realised that I would never be good enough for her.

After her trying to change me once too often and me having a skinful of booze I was confronted with this.

Her: "Its not working anymore is it?"
Me: "nope!"

With that I went to bed where I slept soundly, safe in the knowledge that she'd basically done my dirty work for me.

Worked out best all round, she got together with some poncey twat who was at her beck and call, and I'm now with a fantastic person who likes me just as I am, which is ace!
(El Cabron, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 17:12, Reply)

Insensitivity
"we have to talk..." I could only tell by lip reading... being a deaf mute I was immensely pissed off why not "We have to sign...", gits.
(Jymbul's Academy of Twang Alan Hansen probably drinks a bit.se!, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 17:01, Reply)

quote
"just be a man. stop calling." (joey tribbiani)

having just spent my lunch hour consoling an inconsolable colleague, can anyone tell me why guys do this??

oh wait. possibly the hour of repetitive sobbing, tears, irrationality. i get it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 16:49, Reply)

aimed at anyone
we have to talk. I'm having the most boring day ever. the last hour has gone on for several years.

someone help!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 16:37, Reply)

Oh how I laughed....
....when Cliff Richard phoned me up and said, "It's so funny how we don't talk any more". "Yes Cliff, it's hilarious" I replied, "Still shagging Sue Barker are you?"
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 16:34, Reply)

A mini-drama
Jasmine: We need to talk, Osama.
Osama: Oh? What is it, my rose?
Jasmine: You never take me out any more. It's all 'jihad' this and 'infidel' that.
Osama: Are you serious? You know that I have to bring down Allah's wrathful vengence on the infidel.
Jasmine: But it's Valentine's Day! Haven't you been listening to me?
Osama: Look - I've bought you a present!
Jasmine: Oh - an embroidered waistcoat ... with four blocks of semtex and some wires attached. How thoughtful of you.
Osama: I thought you could go down the market and get us some dates. Dial this number on your mobile when you get there.
Jasmine: Are you sure you're not trying to get rid of me? Are you still angry about me wanting to have children? Don't you want some sexy love?
Osama: I have to polish my Kalashnikov. You go to the market.
Jasmine: Oh, let me play with little Osama. It's ages since I've seen him.
Osama: In the name of Allah, will you just put this on and go shopping!
Jamsine: I've bought you a present, too.
Osama: Really? What is it?
Jasmine: Here it is.
Osama: A set of six hand-grenades! Honey, you know me so well! Thank you!
Jasmine: The man in the shop said they're the best: fragmentation, with a 20-metre destruction zone.
Osama: My love! Now - put this waistcoat on and go to the market.
Jasmine: No, let me polish your gun with you...
Osama: Er, OK.. I'll hold it and you look down the barrel and see if there's an obstruction.
Jasmine: It looks clean enough to me.
Osama: Wait a moment..
Jasmine: What are you doing? Is it safe?
Osama: I'm just , er, counting the bullets. Keep looking...
Jasmine: What is this number you wanted me to call. I don't recognise it. Is it another girl?
Osama: It's no-one - my Uncle Ahmed.
Jasmine: Let's call him now then...
Osama: NOOOOOOOOO!!

Ka-boom.
(frankspencer, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 16:32, Reply)

Not quite a "We need to talk"...
...but my now-ex-wife used to call me at dinner time from work- since she was working the evening shift, this was generally around 9:15 pm or so. (She was an emergency room nurse at that point, before they realized that the patients were getting better simply in order to get away from her.) Generally speaking, not a big deal- I was perfectly happy to talk to her.

Except on Sunday nights, because "The X-Files" came on from 9:00 to 10:00.

Now, I could understand it if every time she called me I blew her off for the TV- but I only had two or three shows that I followed, so Sunday and Monday nights were the nights when I'd really rather not talk at that particular hour. And, being TV shows, they were very consistent in their schedule. And, of course, she knew damn well what that schedule was.

Result? Every friggin' Sunday night, at 9:15 pm, she would call and ask what I was doing. When I replied that I was watching "The X-Files" she would invariably be insulted that I wanted to watch TV instead of talk to her.

I could understand if this happened and I was rude to her and told her what a stupid cow she was that she couldn't remember when the show came on. It wouldn't have bothered me if it happened two or three times. But every weekend for two years? And getting pissy with me every damn time?

No, dearest, we don't need to talk. Not in the middle of the show I watch each week. Not so I can listen to you slurp and smack your lips and chew with your mouth open, every sound transmitted directly into my ear, instead of following a convoluted plot line.

In fact, now we don't need to talk, ever. Now you're my ex. And I'm quite glad of it.

Gah.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Apr 2007, 16:17, Reply)

we need to talk.....
Not now love, the footy's on!

But we really need to talk.....

Look, Ive supported Man U for 20 odd years, and weve been together six months.
It can wait till full time.


I was single.
At full time.

:-(


Champs league Final '99.

I DIDNT GIVE 2 HOOTS!
\o/

although, she was lovely, and I often wonder how things may have panned out.....
meh.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 15:53, Reply)

Not always 'the talk' but the unequal expectations talk
They've got issues; you cope with them. You have issues[1], they co^H^H shouldn't have to deal with that shit - that's your job, surely? Feck knows a relationship shouldn't be a struggle, but it's always going to cause *some* inconvenience and compromise to both parties.

The one I can't understand is the 'seeing every two to three weeks' relationship - that's not a relationship, that's an acquaintance you fuck. I see my friends more often than that! The best part is when they expect you to find a solution (read : being a mug and doing lots of travelling) rather than them.

Is it unreasonable to be suspicious of someone who is suggesting spending *one* weekend with you and at least two elsewhere? Logic suggests effort is better expended finding a date in the two weekend location, which given that they want to date you and are actively looking also suggests that....

I love your 'breakup through the medium of mime' Mr. Flimflam too, not that that's ever happened with someone who was very much old enough to know better.. Don't expect respect when you do the rampant flirting before honest, open conversation.

[1] Issues like, you know, wanting more attention than a quick fuck and going out a bit.
(EssY, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 15:40, Reply)

the wife again.
Just remembered...when I found out that she'd snogged my mate Steve at a party I obviously wanted to know if it had happened before. She said no, nothing like that had ever happened before.

I brewed on that for a week then said "Listen, can we talk? I don't believe this was the first time, it makes no sense given the circumstances. If anything has happened before then just tell me and we'll deal with it, but if you lie to me and I find out in the future then things will go very bad."

She said that it had never happened before...which caused me some surprise later when I found out that well before that incident she'd been interrupted with him at a party when they were basically about to do the nasty. That party was a week before the wedding. Cheers Steve.

Still, at least I found out before she got pregnant. Put a stop to that little idea right there.

Are all girls insane liars, or just the ones I go out with?

Vent vent vent vent vent.

p.s. my current girlfriend is wonderful and would never lie to me :D
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 15:31, Reply)

Julie
For 'tis her name.

There wasn't so much a "we have to talk" as "Frankly, Julie, you're nuts and I really, really can't bear the sight of you any more - please don't call, write or even try to talk to me ever. Ever again"

Well, that's how it went in my head....

What really happened was:
She: "We have to talk"
Me: "Uh-huh"
She: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Me: "Grunt, mmm, uh huh - ok, bye"

I think that was the start of me regaining my sanity, well being, life and self confidence back.

She, on the other hand - well, let's just say that time has not been kind and her ass and thighs got BIG

I don't know why I'm bitter.....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 15:23, Reply)

Mr Steve
My last girlfriend of any note left me after a year and a half by greeting me on getting home with a big hug, bursting into tears and blubbing that she thought we shouldn't see each other anymore. I felt bad because she was crying! I looked around and saw she'd packed her bags and then she left. This was followed by me feeling thoroughly miserable and worthless and it only took me nearly a year to get over it. Thanks for dredging that one up, happy now?

Edit: I forgot to mention the part when she picked apart my personality, individually crucifying each part she didn't like (there were several) and basically saying I wasn't good enough for her. I got her back later though by doing the same to her which resulted in her apologising and now we get on ok bizarrely.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 15:13, Reply)

I wanna be an MP: WNTT
we need to talk she said:
'I want to be a Politician (and TBF she did have the looks/intelligence & careeer ruthlessness) and tho' I like you, I really like you a lot, I don't think you're going to be an asset in my career'
and I was dumped, what a fantastic lie.
Instead she got pumped full of one night stand redneck jism and now pops out another redheaded slaptarget every other year, while he stays home watching the kids & Judge Judy and scratching his saggy balls to work up the next round of paste to spew into her wizards sleeve...
bitter? only when I laugh into my beer of an evening after seeing her saggy ass/tits splot by as she pops into the shops at the end of each day to buy the 'sell by' stuff....

My career? move on, nothing to see here.
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 15:11, Reply)