Carpenters Gold
Mrs Duck owns Carpenters Gold, a collection of the most heinous crimes against music ever committed to vinyl. Never before or since have so many sugar-coated sentimental and downright irritating "songs" ever been recorded by a bother sister act in foul evening dress.

Days spent listening to this tripe are invaribly followed by evenings of hooting laughter and nights spent, in agony, on the couch. I can't help it. If the inanity of the tunes don't get you, the trite lyrics will, and you're not even halfway through this supposedly heart-felt collection of this easy-listening hell before you are on the floor, rocking and rolling in laughter.

But it's all just a build-up to the big finish, to whit "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft", surely the worst song ever written in the history of modern civilisation (and good grief we're including the collected works of Phil Collins here) with the most unintentionally hilarious lyrics ever dribbled from anus to paper via the studio toilet bowl.

As far as I can tell, the only use this CD has would be to play repeatedly to child murderers and sex offenders by way of brain-melting torture; and even then, the United Nations may have something to say about it.

Aural vomit. That is all.

Edit: Just don't get me started on the wedding disco hell that is "Love Shack" by the B-52's. There may be deaths.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 20:06, Reply)

Jandek
Jandek is the worst - all his albums are the same. Or... or... Joe Meek demo tapes! They're rare, but I have a copy of him crooning along with "Telstar" on CD. Tone-deaf!!
(i.am.jamie, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 20:05, Reply)

worst record ever
where to begin? so many to choose from...so little time!
In the late 70's, I found a double album called "All This And World War TOO!", which was a compilation of Beatles covers performed by the cream of 70's recording artists (he said in a sarcastic tone of voice).
The one track that stands out is "I Am The Walrus", by Leo Sayer...THE IMMORTAL LEO SAYER!
To this day, I can still recall the sound of it, although the record is long gone into the mists of Time (I threw it away in the 80's).
I don't know if this was available in England, but it plagued the states (even Hawaii, where I bought it) for around a year. I think it was a soundtrack for a movie of WW2 clips, strung together by aforementioned bad renditions. Anyone else ever hearit, or hear of it?

Cheers!
(eggman59, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 20:04, Reply)

i like this new question system...
needs a reply button though

in my opinion
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 20:04, Reply)

I bought
'Big Panty Woman' by The Bare-Foot Man because I wondered what the song was like. It was shit.

It's the way I tell 'em, innit?
( HappyBadger, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 20:00, Reply)

Achy Breaky Heart
by Billy-Ray Cyrus.

I think Weird Al Yankovic said it best in "Achy Breaky Song"

...tie me to a chair
And kick me down the stairs
Just please don't play that song no more
( crouchingbadger, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:59, Reply)

Least interesting, least amusing answer in the world
but it's Lady In Red by that twunt Chris de Burgh. How in hell does that berk still have a record deal? Why is he rich? Bastard.

I also hate Yellow Submarine by the Beatles. That really pisses me off, firstly because of the stupid silly voices (bloody John Lennon) in the middle eight, but also because it HAS NO RIGHT to be that awful, smack bang in the middle of the otherwise spiffing Revolver. If they had to sing a twee novelty fantasy song, couldn't it have been about monkeys in space or the American civil rights movement or SOMETHING?
*breathes*
Rant concluded.
( dotmund .co.uk, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:55, Reply)

American Pie, by Don McLean
I used to DJ at one of our university's students-get-pissed-and-cop-off nights. The regulars always requested it, about ten times a night, and we always had to play it. It was the night's No.1 cheezy anthem.
The tone-deaf morons who usually swayed around whilst it was playing, in big "besht-mate" circles, occasionally got a little rowdy. On the last night I played it out, one of these drunken gangs bounced onto the lovely beer stained drapes, and pulled the suspended ceiling down, light fittings and all, on everybody's heads.
No-one died, but it was a close thing.
It's a godawful song, maybe not quite as bad, in absolute terms, as "Lady in Red", but then no-one ever threatened to hit me for not playing Chris De Burgh. I gave up being a DJ after university. And no I haven't got any fucking ABBA.
(tomsk, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:55, Reply)

Lady in red
Because Chris DeBurgh is a fucking zeppelin who can't sing, and everytime I hear this song I am reminded of chimpanzees in red dresses. And usually break down in tears. WHEREVER THE HELL I AM.
(monsta, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:51, Reply)

ANY SONGS BY "50 CENT"
why?...
because he's a stupid arse ponce who thinks he's a "pimp".

50 cent.....what a stupid tosser.
( Laughing Boy, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:51, Reply)

Worst Record Ever
'Open Your Box' (I kid you not) By Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band it was the 'B' side of 'Power to the People' and is the most horrendous noise I have ever heard. I have had this single for over 30 years and I have NEVER played it all the way through because it is so bad.
(roylej, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:51, Reply)

Run your fingernails down a chalkboard.... good.... now pull them all off.
Having just been let go from a job where I was forced to endure eight hours of 'contemporary adult' radio every work day for the last fifteen months, I have managed to build up a terrifyingly high tolerance to crap music. Were I to become a superhero, I know without hesitation that this would be my superpower.

My kryptonite is Katrina and the Waves, "Walking On Sunshine". It's so damn perky it makes me want to vomit. Blood. And possibly some entrails too. And without fail some clueless dj will play it at a club because it was included on the 'best of the 80s' comp cd he bought last week. It makes me think of makeover montages in movies, training montages in movies, and dating-and-falling-in-love montages in movies. It makes me think of Jennifer Aniston and Tom Hanks. Possibly having sex. Who knows. I'm too busy vomiting blood and entrails to notice. God how I hate that song.
(Mabel DelTaco, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:38, Reply)

do-do do do do do-do doooo ARGH NOOOOO!
I seem to have a photgraphic memory for annoying song lyrics. For about 6 months i had Shanices travesty against music that was "i love your smile" stuck in my head going round and round.. i was singing it all day long :( In order to save my sanity, and to stop myself from killing innocent bystanders i had to buy a copy from a 2nd hand cd store (oh the shame). Listened to it once.. was cured! Still have it hidden away just in case...(which probably makes it worse).

Then of course theres the "best" of William "Head-rug and Man-girdle" Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. But somebody stole that off me. Thank God. Altogether now "Bil-bo..Bil-bo Baggins..the bravest little hobbit of them alll"

I'll just shoot myself now, shall i?
(definenormal, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:27, Reply)

Bad bad song
'Fluffy' by Gloria Balsalm.

Its the glassiest of cocks, and was mentioned in the newsletter once.

I question my sanity every time im exposed to it. Just plain bad.
(Icouldsleepforever, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:22, Reply)

i had just got myself
some old decks from a uni college and had soldered and blu tacked them together. One of the arms had no weight so i made my own out of 2p coins and blutack. I made my own slip mats by purchasing a large ladies skirt from a charity shop and using the silky lining (never washed it i must add) and decided to try try my arm at that djing thingy magig. Went to some dance music shop where they had a sale and i found this little gem

groups.msn.com/_Secure/0SQDXAr0W!F!HF7HlHWqy!uZohs2WdBlbY2RLUEkVwKemoQuXztTk8EmCf*fafdihAfoDkEqE8i*PC9ye1J7m7IoaROpsRO7MmU0Ytp9ApdNgWpBg3V*1wA/wankwankwank.JPG?dc=4675445535589151364

I like a hell of a lot of music and my taste is very eclectic, but nothing prepared me for the vileness that is wank wank wank. I think its german, on the ACID WANK label, don't listen to it whatever you do
(pluke in a giant mechanical pickle, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:20, Reply)

any of the 3 "christmas" tunes they always wheel out at this time of year...
1) Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday
2) Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody
3) Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time
WHY???? EVERY SINGLE F*CKING YEAR!!!!! is there no other christmas related music and every radio station / shopping mall has to resort to tunes that have been played for 30 years?
it gets to about september, summer has barely finished and inevitably it starts. these same tunes OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! by the time christmas actually comes around i just want to slash my wrists i am so sick of it - and its because if these 3 tunes!
i blame the fact i worked in a department store over christmas, who had them on a tape which looped every 40 minutes (interspersed with, amongst other things, a reggae version of "little town of bethlehem") and have never gotten over the trauma.
that is why this year i am spending my christmas in morocco - hopefully a country that is 98% muslim will never have heard of shit 70's glam rock.
(son of crazymum, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:17, Reply)

Phil Collins
In The Air Tonight. Because he's Satan, he's a talentless, Enoch Powell-loving, bald, wife-dumping (by fax), flat-singing cranberry.

He got mugged. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Twunt.

Yeah, the song is merely the worst of his stingingly bad back catalogue. I wouldn't have mugged him, I'd have stabbed him. In the mouth. :0
(dignityphobe, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:16, Reply)

Or Inside by Stiltskin.
I saw the clip of this song on the Levi's advert and thought "that sounds good". Twat.
I then went and bought the bloody album. Double Twat.
This is the sole reason for my self-loathing and why I can't meet girls. Bastards.
( GR33DY, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:11, Reply)

All that she wants
Ace of Base

I remember on a French exchange when i was about 13, it was really popular. We had this french/english disco, and it seemed that every time i asked a French girl to dance and got rejected, the DJ instinctively knew to play this tune. I heard it at least four times that night...

"Voulez-vous dancer avec moi?"
"Non!"
"All that she wants... is another baby..doo doo doo"
(Choaderboy, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:07, Reply)

Top bloody Loader's 'Dancing in the the Moonlight'
God how much i despise that curly haired blonde alan davies wannabe and his spacker band.

Dancing in the bloody moonlight, oh it is played everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It is such a false 'every one's having a great time together' song. Now i'm not a miserable git, but it just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe its 'cause I think they ripped it off the brillant Springsteen anthem 'Dancing in the Dark'.

But it's probably cause it's linked to that FAT TONGUED WINDOWLICKER Jamie bloody Oliver and his shameful sainsbury's bumming.

And the melody is soooo infectious that you end up singing it to yourself for an hour or two afterwards. I HAVE BECOME THE THING I HATE AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(leisure suit larry, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:07, Reply)

Why in the watermelon
did I buy the Soundtrack for titanic. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Celine Dion will brainwash me! ARGH! *swoons*
(Roland Deschain, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:05, Reply)

The Smurfs- Ive got a little puppy
my god, i loved that song

then i didnt

then i broke the CD

then i bought it again
(3mo Kid, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:04, Reply)

Morrissey - Kill Uncle
Ooooh...Morrissey, he's all dark and depressed. Well yeah, I'd be depressed too if my voice sounded like a cow in heat.

If I ever have to hear "Asian Rut" again, I'll personally put him out of his misery. And charge admission, because I can't be the only one who wants to see him suffer.

The CD has only been out of it's case once, and still looks like new.
( cwethan, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:03, Reply)

What kind of record? I'll just say a "something that's happened" kind...
I've wanked onto 23 different surfaces including my school bag, sink, my nose and my eye.

go me
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:02, Reply)

slugs, woodlice and moths
I had a woodlice and moth eating competition with my mate about a year ago when we were pissed. I managed 7 woodlice and a couple fo moths and was declared the champ. The next weekend I tried to eat a slug on a dare, and being drunk once again, I decided that a small slug was too easy, and so hunted for about 20 minutes, until I found one that was about 3 inches long. I tried to swallow it whole with a mouthful of beer, but couldn't, and spat it out. The slight problem I then discovered is that they leave a slimy residue which water, alcohol and mouthwash will not even touch. 3 hellish-cheeks-and-teeth-covered-in-slug-spunk days later it had all gone. It still makes me gag.

And yes, I know that you weren't after this kind of record, but so many other spazzes were posting bollocks either by mistake or to try and be funny, so I thought I'd contribute. And it's my 100th post.
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:57, Reply)

white stripes
7 nation army.

i had a head ache for weeks after seeing the video, it was horrible
(moose monkey, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:49, Reply)

Everyone must've heard this...
The star wars cantina band song from the Space Themes CD.

Oh my jesus it's awful.

I have a personal reason for hating it: my brother loved it, and played it constantly while I was playing Theme Park on my Amiga. Now my memories of that wonderful game are infected with memories of that excrutiating song blasting down from upstairs. You know how some things are worse than words can describe? Like when your face gets sanded off by an angle grinder? This is one of those things.
(jmst, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:48, Reply)

Paul McCartney - We're all having a wonderful christmas time
This drains all christmas cheer out of me whenever I hear it and makes me do bad things.
Never held up in court though. Ho-hum.
(leo sayer's left nipple, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:36, Reply)

Information Overload Unit
by SPK.
I'm into a lot of industrial music, but this is by far the most "industrial" you can get.
Imagine listening to someone drilling through a concrete wall. Now multiply that by 10 times.
Now add some guitar feedback, a lot of noise from a synthesiser and some random noise from a lot of industrial machines.
Still with me? Great.
Now mix it all together with no apparent sense of rhythm whatsoever and voila: pure noise.

It’s one of those albums you have listen a track a day or your brain might implode.
The perfect soundtrack for the aftermath of the Apocalypse.
( Katayclysm, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:32, Reply)

A few years ago,
When I was about 11, some evil force made me purchase the mother of all crap songs...
Daphne and Celeste, 'Oh stick you'...
I listened to it for about 2 weeks, until I realised just how bad it was.
Since that day it has sat in my Cd collection with the title facing the wall out of sheer embarrassment... never, ever to be played again.
(Mr Lawrence, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:29, Reply)