Tap tap tap...
Hooray: my first post after lurking for over a year - why did I decide to register and start posting for _this_ QOTW?!

Still - first sexual partner and we're not very good at it, although with practice were getting better. Still, couldn't do it at her place or mine since I shared a room with my twin brother and her parents wouldn't have approved - so we used to use my car to do the dirty (sorry bro - yup, thats the Citroen Visa we used to share).

Half way through it one night and in a car park in the forest we notice another car turn up - thinking its a taxi due to the roof adornment, it wasn't until the tap on the window and the policemen suggesting that this might not be a good place did we realise it was the police.

...as good a way of any of losing the moment I think...
(paulplex erm, hi..., Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:07, Reply)

The more injuries gained, the better the sex??
PJMs' post about his sexytime subject dozing off has inspired me somewhat..

I myself have fallen asleep on a partner more times than I care to mention,do I feel bad about it? Do I fuck!?

One particular instance I actually fell asleep whilst sucking the poor guy off.

I later awoke with my head still in his lap.. and his now shrivelled member resting on the bridge of my nose.

Other examples of less than impressive sexual shenanigans include

* Slapping my shag in the face with my calf as he manouvred my leg onto his shoulder, almost knocking him sideways off the sofa

* Discovering that my shag had some kind of cone shaped appendage.. forget button mushroom, think miniature model of Wizbit and you're somewhere close to the mark. Not only that but the guy had so much "extra" skin that with every mouthful I felt as though I was sucking a dried apricot. Bleugh.

* A guy that on our first ever encounter repeatedly thrust me into the wall of a stairwell so that my spine became entangled with the handrail, he then followed this with grabbing hold of my hair with such vigour that with every thrust my head was bounced along the floor like a basketball.
I resisted the urge to go to casualty afterwards due the fact that I just could not think of a reasonable explanation for my massive concussion and newly acquired curvature of the spine.
Incidentally the guy in question later went onto become probably the best shag I've ever had, although with every rendezvous I went home feeling as if I'd been savaged by a wild beast.

May have to give him a call actually...
(Peek_a_Boo forgot how fun B3ta was until, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:55, Reply)

High and bruised
In the words of Jarvis Cocker "Can you remember the first time? Do you remember a worse time?". Well, he had a point.

For some bizarre reason I decided that I'd rather not take my first bite of the cherry with any old passing floozy, but I'd wait until someone caught my eye sufficiently before doing the do.

Anyway, amazingly enough I did end up dating a very lovely lady indeed and after a good few weeks (three to be exact) of tomfoolery things suddenly began to look up in the spare bedroom department. Plans were hastily laid (unlike myself at this point) for her to stay over my folks place after a night out on the town.

Naturally, any opportunity for the Great Gods of Farce to collectively bend over and fart in my face is usually seized with omnipotent determination. This time was no exception.

The necessary outing to purchase the required protective clothing was fraught with difficulty, which culminated in me stood at the front of the queue in a packed Chemist with two items on the checkout (one of which was a packet of Tunes) with a braindead till jockey waving a packet of three at her manageress shouting "Sandra! I can't get a price on these!". Thanks a fucking bunch, Jenny No Stars.

I still boycott Superdrug to this day.

Once tooled up for the job, my date arrived. I can still see her now, blonde hair, deep blue eyes a smile to die for and legs which rivalled Piper Alpha for sheer going-on-foreverness. A couple of beers and finally us returning home to discover that my folks had turned in for the night later (my one and only fortunate break all bloody day) and without further delay we're both passionately rolling about the lounge, with clothes being scattered all over the place charged with all the youthful enthusiasm that two frisky but inexperienced sixteen year olds can muster. The earlier purchase was slipped on by her shaking fingers, which slipped at a very inopportune moment.

"Ow! Fuuuuuuck!" (with subtle change in pitch during last syllable).

I was left sporting a rather angry bruise. Still, passion was in the air and I wasn't about to stop. I turned the radio on quietly to calm the mood... "I am the one and onlyyyyyyyy!"

Of all the inappropriate songs to be at number one this week, I had to end up with Chesney fucking Hawkes.

Okay, I switched to Humping FM (Sade on loop, "Smooth Operator" I wasn't!), my pulse was racing and my life flashed before my eyes as I realised that this was it, I'd look back and remember this moment for the rest of my life... Wha??? Okay, reverse up and have another go... (repeat ad infinitum)

The poor lassie was understandably very nervous - hell so was I, my heart was absolutely in my mouth - but her nerves seemed to have slammed the garage door shut so to speak. We ended up going to our respective bedrooms with our respective V plates taunting us. Actually, hers seemed to be welded in place.

However, worse was to come (no pun intended). When the deed was finally done, I discovered that I'd suffered a blowout (which scared the bejesus out of both of us) which necessitated a Sunday morning visit to the doctor for emergency contraception. Of all the fucking duty GPs in town, she had to get the one who fancied her mum and stood next to her in the Sunday (Catholic) congregation. We split up shortly after.

It is a wonder I went near womankind again.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:40, Reply)

Boys to men
When all you immature boys out there pushing over each other to divulge their distaste of big women actually grow up, then you'll realise that you've made a big mistake and all these years you've been chasing the skinny girl, the perfect not so skinny girl was just around the corner probably getting jiggy with it with the lucky Residen Loon.

Pah! boys.
( girlinthehole, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Worst shag ever
Doing it in public makes me so selfconcious, the whole time I was keeping an eye out for passers by and couldn't concentrate.






oh yes, that's right.... I went there.
(Sammyj, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:32, Reply)

she was only the photographer's daughter

but I was still arrested for indecent exposure.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:20, Reply)

Here goes....
So, I'm at uni, been seeing this guy for a week or so, and for the first time we head back to his room together. We kiss, we pet, he grabs a condom, strips while facing away from me, and then (like a magician revealing a fine trick) spins round to face me, johnny on, ready to go. My first introduction to his manhood.

It was miniscule. I mean, really, really. It was like a cocktail sausage wearing a see-through tent. It was smaller than my little finger, and I have ridiculously small hands (not quite Beadle, but close). He crawled towards me, and the condom just slid off his erect manhood like a baby snake shedding skin. He put it back on, and it just wouldn't stay, and inside me a mounting horror merged with a rapidly declining libido. But, we've come this far, and I felt bad for him all ready to go, and me tying my legs together, and I must admit there was more than a smattering of pity at his Honey I Shrank My Appendage, so I thought I'd just give him a blow job. Consolation prize. I threw away the condom, and got down to work.

You know how JD in scrubs has his own personal monologue running? Well, I have my own. Normally, it's fairly mundane and non-offensive, but as I grappled with distinctly less than a mouthful of willy, the little voice in my head piped up.

"This is what being a paedophile must feel like."

That was it. I couldn't continue. I practically spat his dick out and ran out the door. Poor sod.

B3ta first post! Sorry it's a bit epic.
(itsnotmehonest, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:15, Reply)

Not a "chubby chaser"...
...I prefer them to be voluptuous, not obese.

Good: Cindy Crawford, Mariah Carey (as she looks now), Jennifer Connelly (circa mid-90s), Adrienne Barbeau.

Bad: Calista Flockhart, Lindsey Lohan (although she still has a gorgeous face), Jennifer Connelly (as she looks now), Christina Aguilera.

Munted: Kate Moss, Rosie O'Donnell, and other extremes of this sort.

Is that clearer?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:02, Reply)

I was told the other day that I was a 7 pinter.

whoop whoop.

And everyone saying about how lasting less than a minute is a bad shag. No its not. It's called efficiency. Get in, get the job done, fall asleep. Brilliant.

Just don't expect a repeat performance.

My worst:
The second lady I'd been with ever, critising my performance because I wasn't flipping her over like a pancake every 30 seconds, and copying the Karma Sutra page for page.

I found out why 3 years later when she was sleeping with a mates housemate, she liked it up the shitter, normal sex just wasn't enough for her. If only she'd asked...
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:00, Reply)

He jizzed on my bass cone
:(
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Just a quickie ... badum-tis!
The bad ones have been few and far between, thank goodness, but I do recall:

- The 18-y-o with the body of a young goddess, the brains to match and the sexual prowess of ... an inexperienced 18-year-old, i.e. none at all. Pity.

- The 28-y-o with the body of a full-on goddess and a dirty mind to go with it, who, however, could only come if she was in exactly "that" position, frigging herself with her hand while I pumped away at exactly the right rhythm ... sigh. The foreplay and early humping were always fantastic. Then she'd decide it was time to come and it turned into hard work.

- The chick who was always up for it but who was so ticklish I wasn't allowed to touch her while we were doing it for fear of her convulsive and compulsive defensive moves which included punching and rolling over in a manner prone to removing the dicks of unsuspecting new players.

Thank God Mrs. Ebay is none of the above!
( Ebay_is_"be"_in_Pig_Latin, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 12:47, Reply)

10 pinter
And proud of it.

That look of disdain and horror on her face always makes the walk of shame more fun.
(Lord RumbleFIsh IV this may or may not work..., Wed 20 Jun 2007, 12:43, Reply)

Well it's already gone off topic, so never mind.
On the Fat/Attractive topic, yes chubby chasers are in the minority.

Being fat is not natural. It comes about from eating the wrong foods, not excercising and not caring.
Only a tiny minority of people cannot help their weight. 90% of fat people, if they had a decent diet (and i don't mean starving yourselves, i mean a balanced and aware diet) and got a bit of excercise, would be slim.
Fatness is a sign of a greedy and lazy person, and that is not attractive, is it?
It's the same as being smelly and not caring, or having halitosis and not brushing your teeth.

I feel like i must post a story now, so it will have to be the one where as a frustrated teenager, i tried fucking a rolled up camping mat. It was great actually, but i got friction burns on my bell end.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Wed 20 Jun 2007, 12:42, Reply)

hmmmm
come on all you guys who's mate always pulls the attractive girl....have you not realised that you are probably the 10 pinter in the ladies eyes?
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 12:34, Reply)

Another Policeman
Just remembered this. Lost count of the duff shags, by the way.

We're back on the Isle of Wight.

His name was Dave or something. Real fit too, looked a bit like George Michael before I found out he was gay. You know what I mean. I quite like men in uniform even if they are the police, I even insisted he kept his hat on as well........anyway my mother and horrid stepfather were out one day so I took him back there. We started kissing and all that, then he went due south and started kissing me there, god it was wonderful, I thought I'm on a real winner here. I went to go due south on him but he wouldn't let me, I thought, well, you tease, hey ho, wtf, so then he took off his jeans and to save embarrasing him I didn't look down, just in case there was something wrong. I think you instinctively know when something isn't quite right.

Now, I've been told I have a tight whotsit and good muscular excercises keep it that way. So, without me touching him, he mounted me.

I thought : where is he ?

It was the size of one of the smallest wild mushrooms I found in the New Forest last Autumn......
( Tiggy the diver, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 12:20, Reply)

Vomitting Lapdancer
I was once lucky enough to pull a lapdancer. She was really really pissed when she arrived at mine, but we duly started romping on the bed. Just getting down to business and she suddenly projectile vomitted all over the bed, floor and walls, and collapsed unconscious. So I cleaned the disgusting mess up (no way to talk about a woman but...) and fell asllep. At about 4am, I poked her awake and we did the deed. I woke in the moring to find she had come on in the night and had bled all over the bed, me, mattress etc. So I politely asked her to "STOP EXUDING BODILY FLUIDS ALL OVER MY BLOODY BED WILL YA!!". Great tits though, so I came on them and kicked her out. :)
(Kamakan, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 12:17, Reply)

Okay, erm, fair enough if people think fat people are attractive
but the majority of people dont.

I don't.

It's not because I've never "experienced" a fat girl, it's not because I "haven't found the right one" it's because I FIND THEM PHYSICALLY UNATTRACTIVE.






So, fat people, don't let some people fool you into thinking you can be fat and sexy, because the majority of people will not see you this way.



Some people might, good for them!


But most, including me, wont.
( KernKraft Gosh, there isn't much noise outside today, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 12:12, Reply)

Psychotherapy during sex?
At a party where a heavier woman is drinking tequila with me (in college, all of about 129 lbs at the time and a high metabolism, so I have no tolerance), not only is she trying to get me to keep up with her, everytime I pass the vodka-soaked watermelon, I take a handful. Hey, you do things like that in college.

Eventually she decides we're going to go into the host's bedroom and drags me in for a command performance. I'm having trouble staying up -- not in the sense of Mr. Happy's duties, as he is doing his job as enthusiastically as a 21-year-old's stiffy would, but in maintaining a vertical position whilst I am on top of her. I'm lucky if I could find the floor if I fell, much less climb on top of her. So I suggest she take the top.

I don't mind that she declined as she was a bit wasted, too, but she goes into this self-esteem spiel: "No, you should always be on top, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That's where you belong. . . " and so on. And on. And on. She just kept rambling non-stop for what seemed like five minutes when all I wanted to do was be lazy before I passed out. And her voice became more irritating, too.

Thankfully, the host got mad (his sister was driving the woman home) and burst into the room briefly to tell us to break it up. I was glad -- I was sick of listening to her touchy-feely shit when all I wanted was to let her take over the work.

Host let me crash the night, and when I got home in the morning, my stepfather was sitting on the steps when I went from my car to the door. It was the first time I stayed out all night while at home, and I thought I was grounded for the summer, but he looked up and smiled and asked, "so, did you get lucky"?

"Lucky" is a relative term.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 11:56, Reply)

if everyone thinks chubby girls are so gross

how come in Shrek Princess Fiona turns from an ugly princess to a sexy ogre?

...

oh. Just me then.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 11:31, Reply)

Strangelady
I quote: "Live and let live! Free yourself from a lifetime of elbowy loving and lettuce leaves!"

Slagging off thin people isn't exactly following your advice of "live and let live" is it............
(angelica666, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 11:29, Reply)

I knocked one out in my car

(THE PERFICK PROFILE HAS A BOX LIKE A VW BEETLE BONNET., Wed 20 Jun 2007, 9:40, Reply)

LOL I'm on the internets!
Worst sex you say? Probably the time I was cracking one out after a hard day of curing folk and doing miracles and stuff. There i was choking the spam and a young lady walked in just as I was chucking my muck. I was telling one of my diciples, John I think it was who said that someone must have seen me coming. Arf. I laughed and laughed until I stopped. Must go now, I've got some lepers to mend.
(James Blunt Rhyming slang?, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 9:38, Reply)

Good baby!!
FRIEND OF A FRIEND!!!

With a marvellous resemblance to the magnificent 'Pootits' tale from below, imagine yourself at Lancaster University. Just for a minute.

Bloke meets girl on college bar crawl. Bloke and girl get snogging, bloke and girl decide to have sex in her room.

They go back to the room and the girl prepares a lovely nightcap, some sort of warmed mysterious liqueur that the guy hasn't experienced before, but it goes down very well apparently.

What happened immediately after that is rather inconsequential, I believe that they had mediocre to good sex, and fell asleep together.

However.

Chap wakes up early the next morning to a rather unsavoury smell, and a feeling of unwelcome and unexpected liquid warmth. He looks down and realises he is wearing a nappy. A full nappy.

Is terrified. Tries to leave without waking girl but she catches him and starts desperately trying to pull off the nappy, and this is the lovely part, she was screaming "Good baby, good baby!!".

She eventually rips the nappy off and sets about eating the contents. Man leaves. Man cries. Man has a shower.

Long. Sorry.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 9:27, Reply)

Not as bad as when
the blasted fishermen on the pier purposely try to smack you with bait

"Any surfers here?


Then you'll know the look of absolute disgust on some lovely girls face when a pint of cold, salty water decides to pour from your sinus cavities all over her lady bumps mid-coitus.

Not necessarily the worst I'VE had, but I imagine Sarah wasn't too impressed."

Oh fuck, that was me trying to hit the surfers!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 8:15, Reply)

Hi Tiggythediver!
Ok....
...I had to get a new user name to try and hide my identity...

Here goes:
*In the toilets of a club in Bradford. Classy.
*After a gig in London - I'd had so many JD-cokes that I had to keep stopping to go puke bright orange lumps. The guy was so drunk that he dribbled all over me & wouldn't let me go to sleep. At some point we went to the shower and pissed on each other.
*Drunk at work. He had a minute cock.
*Drunk against a car, for about 20seconds.

Hmm, ok I'll stop there. I've had some great sex too though ;-)

NewName

PS Anal sex is good - but don't EVER try and put it in and then say you *slipped* We will notice, and may return the favour.
( newname, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 3:16, Ignore, I like this!, Message Me)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 8:14, Reply)

Not so much the worse but the strangest well... willy
a bulbous penis.

that is all
(lardarse, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 4:25, Reply)

I'll also speak for the plump ones...
Personally, I prefer a woman to have curves that I can hold, and not be so thin that I fear hurting her during sex.

But more than that- I have noted that a woman who really likes food and enjoys cooking is usually fantastic at sex. Sensuality in the smaller matters of life usually indicates sensuality in all aspects.

You guys can keep the scrawny waifs- I'll take the women.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 20 Jun 2007, 3:35, Reply)

Ok....
...I had to get a new user name to try and hide my identity...

Here goes:
*In the toilets of a club in Bradford. Classy.
*After a gig in London - I'd had so many JD-cokes that I had to keep stopping to go puke bright orange lumps. The guy was so drunk that he dribbled all over me & wouldn't let me go to sleep. At some point we went to the shower and pissed on each other.
*Drunk at work. He had a minute cock.
*Drunk against a car, for about 20seconds.

Hmm, ok I'll stop there. I've had some great sex too though ;-)

NewName

PS Anal sex is good - but don't EVER try and put it in and then say you *slipped* We will notice, and may return the favour.
(newname, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 3:16, Reply)

The sex I've had is so bad
I prefer drugs and alcohol.
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 2:22, Reply)

Any surfers here?


Then you'll know the look of absolute disgust on some lovely girls face when a pint of cold, salty water decides to pour from your sinus cavities all over her lady bumps mid-coitus.

Not necessarily the worst I'VE had, but I imagine Sarah wasn't too impressed.
( gp_guineapig, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 1:10, Reply)