And if you find the taste a bit strong one week in four...
...just suck a Polo.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 21:48, Reply)

I think wot Edenmonster is trying to say is

You are all a bunch of nancy-boy, mincing, little girlies if you can't cope with a bit of blood.

Jeez, it saves on lubricant ffs!
(EvilMeister, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 21:44, Reply)

I've noticed something.
In the recent 'What's the worst thing you've ever eaten?' QOTW, vegetarians took a fair old wack of grief.

Yet here we are on this weeks question, and it would seem many of you vege haters have a problem with blood. Why in God's name would you not have sex just because a girl has her period. It's just blood, although, when it has fleshy stringy lumps it can be a bit off putting.

And it's not like you have to eat it, you just get it on your cock, thighs, stomach and hands.

What's the problem? You're about to have a shower anyway.

Guess this post needs a story.

I once had a gf who was a proper sack of spuds in bed.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 21:28, Reply)

talking of Americans
(sorry Americans, I like you so don't take this as anti-american.)

bunch of tossers....

(just kidding)

anyway, I hate people who try to talk dirty but are crap. For some reason the two americans I've shagged (see Americans, it's only two of you and the rest might be ok. now breath out and continue) couldn't stop with the "oh yeah baby, do me hard, do me now" and "I want you to fuck me till I scream" and all sorts of nonsense whilst me and Mr Winkie are trying to get on with the business. Nothing is more distracting and the only reason I don't shout "Oh, for fucks sake shut up" is that Mr Winkie quite likes being around ladies parts.
Anyway, I don't mind if you bring a lady to the edge of Nivarna and she can't help but let out an "Ohmigod, ohmigod I've never come so much".
But none of this ridiculous dirty talk as foreplay. It's just silly, especially when you don't have the right accent for swearing.

Actually, lump in the West country with that as well (sorry west country folk, I like you all but you really shouldn't try swearing).
(EvilMeister, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 21:13, Reply)

America
I dated a lass on the internet for 2 years. I finally went to meet her and I spent the summer with her, but when I got there she was on her period but.. well, that wasn't going to stop me.

No no no, I didn't do THAT. I just put it in her bumhole instead. Despite horrid stories, it was actually really easy. Until I got back and my gay friend told me that for the first time use of lubricant is an absolute must. I suppose it was then that the whole being 2000 miles away bit dawned on me, and that she can't have been as faithful (or classy) as I was once lead to beleive..
(MunchMyBalloons, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 20:55, Reply)

Not exactly the worst sex I've had, but more "she".
Im sure I posted this years back, but here goes;

Me ex used to live in a flat above a pub in Swansea, and I used to lodge there regularly. This one dark night, just about to settle down to watch a film with the missus and I happen to glance out of the side window, onto the roof of the adjoining window. What do I see, but none other than some bird spread eagled over an air duct with some bloke pounding away, while holding a can of carling.

Me, being the gentleman that I am, runs down into the pub and tells the regulars. They come up, and there's about 10 or 11 of us all crammed into the ex's room laughing at this. But while I've been gone, this guy outside is now greeted by his two mates, who are funnily enough drinking away as well on this roof.

At this point, we let the staff of the pub know, and they're all watching this as well from the dark windows. The 3 guys start taking turns on her, and she's loving it. It's at this point that one of the barmen decides to give the game away, by opening a window and shouting "Go on love!". The 3 guys take a bow to the cheers that are now eminating from the windows, while the girl does the walk of shame, hiding her face behind her hands. The same barman then shouts "Dunno why you're covering your face, we've seen everything else!".

EPILOGUE - Afterwards, we're all downstairs in the pub laughing about it, and in walk the 3 amigos (or should that be "omg's"). Apparently they only met her 1/2 an hour earlier in another club, and she knew a "quiet spot". She got that wrong.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 19:44, Reply)

A bit messy...
I knew a bloke in school, I'l call him.... Jez. Now Jez was by all standards an utter cunt. Jez was fortunate enough to be one of those chaps who, without being good looking or charming, managed to get a fair bit of pussy in school, simply by dint of being fairly popular ( I was popular myself but hardly ever got any-school was a strange place). Anyway being a fairly sought after bloke in the years that shaped his life, he was shaped into a cocky little cunt as it were. He thought he was it, and one party I found myself a fair bit upset to find out he was currently in the spare bedroom getting oral pleasure off the rather delightful girl I was chasing. But then he came running down stairs and into the garden actual TEARS streaming down his face and a rather peculiar looking substance on his groin. Lets just say from then on he winced when you said "gag reflex".

A few sidenotes to the story:
He didn't get laid (to my knowledge) until Uni, so theres something.
It wasn't as small as I'd hoped, but he was no Erroll Flynn
Needless to say the whole debacle somewhat put me off the girl (bless her cotton socks)

Length? Enough to make her choke...
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Wed 20 Jun 2007, 19:38, Reply)

Thought of another moment of inept lust...
First girlfriend.

She was a virgin, so was I. I had all my manly bits operating at the top of their class, nothing going off too soon, nothing drooping, all perfect.

She had a fanny like the sahara (and NO it was certainly not down to my technique, I have always been good at the fingery things in life).

To recreate her I suggest pulling a bird with hairy arms, ensuring you have used silica gel to absorb every bit of moisture from her nether regions and then howl in agony as she tries to force it all over ur knob.

Ouchy.!
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 19:23, Reply)

Tales from behind
I've also had to endure:

One guy who continued to shaft me from behind despite the fact that I was bent over throwing my guts up. Classy.

A bloke with a penis so small and technique so non-existant that I actually had to keep looking over my shoulder to check he was even still there.

And

A guy who pumped away quite vigourously for ages but who's stumpy little manhood decided to slip out at 10 second intervals. Kind of like The Hokey Cokey, for cocks.

Someone please tell me to stop!
(Peek_a_Boo forgot how fun B3ta was until, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 18:23, Reply)

Ahh now hedge_diver...
You may raise a valid point, but after a night of being turned down, watching all the dream birds go off with some twat that isn't you and other forms of lowering a mans self-esteem, the thought process soon turns to "well, a hole's a hole".
And besides, I've heard lesbians complaining about the fatun's so it's not just us stupid men..
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 18:19, Reply)

They didn't even get that far
My friend was snogging a drunk girl at a party and she barfed in his mouth.
( Pachey, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 17:57, Reply)

More intimately entwined than I'd bargained for...
My first girlfriend honored me with many blowjobs (yay!) as 'real' sex wasn't on offer (boo!). However I rather lost my enthusiasm for it after my foreskin got caught in the braces on her teeth.
If there's going to be blood on my penis after sex, I really don't want it to be mine.
(Plyck, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 17:31, Reply)

More bad sex
She was the last girl I slept with, roughly five years ago. This is kind of why.

She and I worked for the same activity centre, you know crap pay, 90 hour week, live in a tent that leaks like a tramp pissing on your bed! We had the whole "I've kissed a woman, but I am not gay chat!" and frankly I was not buying it...

She and I got together and I must admit she was totally beautiful, long hair, size 16 and stunning eyes.

However the sex lacked something. During our very last time I just gave up half way through. She came and was giving me hell, hoping to make me cum too.

Then came the question...

Her "You are not enjoying this are you?"

Me "It's 8am and this is my only day off for two weeks!"

Her "Shall we just stop then?"

Me "Yes..."

Was it such a crime to be tired and bored? She moved to another centre a week later... I got a boyfriend...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 17:28, Reply)

Stupid males
Why is it always pick on the fat girls, if they are fat DON'T SLEEP WITH THEM THEN.

The worst sex I ever had hmmm, well it would either be going down on a guy for the first time and then throwing up on the poor guy.
The other choice would have be getting drunk and pulling this guy I had been after for ages, only to realise that he didn't really have any clue as to what the female body is. Combined with having a below average penis, it truely was a passion killer
( hedge_diver, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 17:25, Reply)

Does it really matter...
...if Tiggy the Diver has had more cock than I've had?

Congratulations to her for getting so much, frankly. If ever I decide to start bowling from the pavilion end I'll tap Tiggy for some advice.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 17:16, Reply)

can I just say...
'Tiggy the diver' : more cock than a Bernard Matthews abattoir in December
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 17:10, Reply)

So many....
Brummie girl, invited her down for some filthy squeezing, had previously told me she was a bit frisky in bed.

Rubbish...don't know whether its considered 'frisky' in Birmingham to treat yer mans old fella like a bottle of ketchup (Imagine what you have to do to get the sauce out) but that was fucking fucking fucking painful.

Sore doesn't describe it the next morning...
(Rockster77, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Not a shag (I'm married) but...
Staying with a posh friend, we were given their 11 year-old son's bed to sleep in. Since the missus had the painters in, she offered to give Little Frank a tug.

But what about the geyser of jis? We didn't want to soil the pillow of a 11 year-old, and she wasn't in the mood for swallowing, so we wrapped my schlong in a 'cap' of toilet paper to make it all clean and tidy.

Cue a few minutes of expert tugging and I shot my wad into the tissue hat. Only, when I looked down, it was to see the tissue soaked with blood. Turns out the toilet paper was that rough vegan kind you can grate cheese with and it had grated off the skin of my helmet. No more tugging for a week after that
(frankspencer, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:45, Reply)

Ahh one more for the road..
I just can't help myself, this weeks question brings out the worst in me!

Alleyway sex, it's not comfortable, it smells bad and for some reason I always end up with paperclips and other random objects in my hair..

On the way home from a night out, my (newish) fella and I found ourselves a nice little hidey hole around the back of a multi storey carpark and proceeded to get jiggy.

Mid-fuck and The alleyway in question was lit just enough for me to make out a hooded silhouette edging slowly towards us.

"Holy crap!" think I, believing that I am about to be arrested, but it would seem that the hooded figure has yet to notice our semi-naked selves lurking in the shadows.. his sights are set firmly upon the Ford Escort parked directly to our left.

The hoodie goes about forcing his way into the car when a noise from our shadowy corner alerts him to our presence, he peers through the darkness at us, we peer back, eyes wide like startled bunnies.. all secretly shitting ourselves..

Then with an "I didn't see you if you didn't see me" style nod the three of us shrug our shoulders and all continue about our business!

Apologies to whoevers' car he was thieving, I would've given chase but my trousers were firmly around my ankles!
(Peek_a_Boo forgot how fun B3ta was until, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:40, Reply)

if you'd met helen
you would believe every word. the only bit i didn't believe was that she bothered to wrap it in toilet paper, frankly.

having said i don't do crap sex, i did once go back to the office after the pub to do the bedshitter on the fabulous enormous round conference table. when we got there, we were so shocked to see one of our trainee colleagues and his 45 year old secretary going at it on the same table that it pretty much ruined the moment. although you had to see this table to believe it, if you could think of anything other than shagging on it, you were made of wood. and not the good sort.

we ended up in the disabled toilets, which well and truly ruined the moment, floor length mirrors not withstanding...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:25, Reply)

Rachelswipes Story
Sounds very familiar. Except the version I heard, the toilet wouldn't flush.
A bit of an Urban Legend perhaps?
Also, a friends ex was getting it on with some hot german girl. Some thing doesn't feel right and it turns out she'd left her Tampon in. He asks her to get rid and she says she will. After her trip to the loo, they go back to it, and things still feel odd, but he's in his stride now so he keeps going. Suddenly she yells at him to stop. Turns out she didn't take the tampon out (WHY?!) and now it's stuck up her, and the sex is hurting. So he has to fish it out for her. It was his first one night stand, and his last. Poor guy. Except I don't really like him so Haw Haw!
(Beauty School Drop-out, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:09, Reply)

The worst sex music possible
A couple years ago when I first met my wife, I had an interesting musical renaissance. I found a website with a big selection of white supremacist mp3s and I downloaded them out of morbid curiosity. The one thing I got out of it was finding amusing covers of popular songs with white supremacist lyrics. Sort of like what Weird Al would be like if the Nazis won the war.

Examples:
-A cover of "Bad Moon Rising" by CCR called "Race War Rising."
-"Great Balls of Fire" to "Great Cross of Fire" (referring to the KKK practice of setting a burning cross on someone's lawn)
-"These Boots are Made for Walking" to "These Boots are Made for Stomping"

And so on. It's terrible but somewhat listenable if you're up for a laugh.

Anyway, it's worth mentioning right now that my then future wife is Korean. I sent them to her and she had the same reaction as me.

One night she was over at my place and some of those songs came on. I guess she liked the idea of being with a white guy + listening to music about white supremacy. Me, I suddenly felt very wrong being with her and listening to this music which was essentially anti-her. It was a very strong reaction and I needed to change songs.

Quickly I switched it over to a poppy Korean punk band that goes by the name Run Carrot. Seemed innocent enough so I jumped back into the matters at hand. Then she started laughing. Apparently the song lyrics were, in Korean, "Motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker, kick him in the crotch" over and over. She had to stop and we found different music to listen to that wouldn't offend either of our sensibilities.

Anyway, that was my experiment in the worst possible sex music. For future reference, white power music and frisky Koreans do not mix.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 15:52, Reply)

I hope all Aussies aren't like this
Having a (very)drunken night out with some mates ended up going back to some aussie lass's flat. Alarm bells started when her bed was nothing but a mattress on the floor. Fast forward 5mins and i've already had my nipples chewed so viciously my piercings have come out, and now feel like i'm having my manhood chewed off.
Thankfully i cant remember the sex but I do remember being woken by her landlord in the morning as she had ran off to work and left me there.

Come to think of it it may not even have been her house.........
(bangorip fears all is not well, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 15:00, Reply)

Ignore
Just opened b3ta without logging in and the first thing I see is fucking Apeloverage and his crap puns. So, I logged in, took him off ignore and read what he'd been spunking all over B3ta. Yup. Sheer crap again.

I love that ignore button.

And I know this post has got nowt to to with the QOTW. But, to be fair, neither do Apeloverage's.

cheera
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:44, Reply)

Philanthropy
This isn't the worst by a long way, but it's more unusual than tiny dicks, limpness or inappropriate vomiting.

Meet attractive-looking bloke. Chat - seems an attractive personality too. Ask him out for the evening, have drinks, snog, invite him back to mine. Brief look of terrified panic flits across his face, but then he agrees. I wonder what problem is but politely ignore. We go back to mine, & I notice his hands are trembling. I decide to assume this is from lust.

We are getting down to it, and I move my hand towards his (clothed) groin. He leaps off the bed in a convulsive movement, staring at me in horror. This I cannot ignore, and ask him what's wrong. He eventually confides that he is phobic about sexual contact, and has only tried it once, 5 years ago, and that it was traumatic. I express surprise that he would choose to come home with me, and he says he thought I might be the girl to cure him. (Ahhhhhh!)

I feel very sorry for him, and decide to devote the remainder of the night to playing sex therapist and helping him master his phobia. That means progressing VERY slowly. Eventually some hours later, clothes are off. Shagging and oral too scary for him, so I give him a hand job. The very second he covers me with 5 years' worth (thanks for that) of pent up frustration, he falls over, clutching his head (yes, head as in on shoulders) and wailing in pain, followed by cold sweat, shaking, gasping for breath, etc. (This is not something which I am used to.)

Half an hour later, he has calmed down enough to thank me for trying, and hurriedly and embarassedly leaves. It is now 7am and time for me to get up for work.

Length? I'm sure you can take it.
(Turangalila, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:44, Reply)

How about no, you crazy Dutch bastard?
About a year ago I decided to look up an old school friend, and asked my friend Bob for her email address. I add this address to MSN and the next time "she" signs in I'm greeted by "Mark finds himself lost in all his work. Need a friend... for ;) :P".

Hmm. Maybe Tori's boyfriend has been at her screen name, so I message anyway asking if I have the right person.

The answer comes back in Dutch, and my friend is definitely NOT Dutch, so I reply "really sorry but I don't speak Dutch, do you speak English?".

The conversation then went as follows:

Random Dutch guy: who are you then?
Me: I'm ... me. I think I must have added the wrong addres. Sorry.
RDG: do you like to play? i am Mark's sister
Me: that's nice.
RDG: I watch Mark and his gf have sex from the wardrobe. you want to see cam?
Me: No. Really. Going now.

I don't know why I didn't hit block then; perhaps I thought it was someone mucking about. Anyway, over the next few weeks this goes on (apparently the girlfriend and the sister were shagging, how convenient, and then they all added me, on different email addresses with the same font and icon as him; how stupid did they think I was?) and 4000 webcam requests and one-sided conversations about peeing and stuff later, eventually I get to talk to the eponymous Mark:

RDG: do you have a mouse?
Me: A computer mouse? Yes. Duh.
RDG: put it in
Me: WHAT?! You freak!
RDG: no it would be good. then go downstairs and say goodnight to your parents.
Me: No way. Just that.
RDG: want to hear my voice?
Me. No.
RDG: you do
Me: No I don't. Leave me alone, I have stuff to do.
RDG: you added me by accident and now I love you. we are fated to be together.
Me: No, really, it was a mistake.
RDG: we should meet soon.
Me: NO.

Eventually, I blocked him, but ever since then I get Dutch addresses trying to add me, and the odd email from "SexyBabes" or "FunkyHunks" which as far as I can work out are Dutch dating/porn sites. So if you ever meet a Dutch guy called "Stronkie" online, you don't know me, you've never heard of me and you don't have a mouse.

EDIT: It turned out in the end I'd added "[email protected]" when I really should have added "[email protected]".
( Maladicta, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:41, Reply)

yet another friend, helen
(sorry these are all friends' stories, but frankly, i just don't DO crap sex, ok?!)

shagged a guy from work, whom she'd been after for ages. all went well, great sex, lovely guy. in the morning she had the day off and he didn't. but despite him being really sweet and telling her to have a lie in and even bringing her tea and toast in bed, she was desperate for him to leave.

because she was even more desperate to go to the toilet but couldn't bring herself to do it whilst he was there. she lay in stomach cramping agony whilst he had a leisurely shower, shave, cleaned his teeth, sat on the edge of the bed to chat. all the time feeling as if she were about to soil herself and his nice bed.

eventually he left. result! helen dived for the bathroom and released a killer richard the third. but relief was swiftly followed by disaster. so inflated and swollen was this richard (she blamed the delay in releasing it into the wild for its size and stench) that it refused to disappear. shit. shit. literally.

so helen mashed it up with the toilet brush, but it still wouldn't flush. by this point she was beginning to panic. he had said his flatmate, who worked nights, would be home at 10 and it was almost that now. in a frantic hurry, she scooped the whole disgusting mess out of the bowl and wrapped it in toilet roll. she decided to dump it, no pun intended, in the nearest dustbin.

problem solved, she gathered her stuff together, and headed for the door. then thought it would be sweet to leave him a little note. she set everything down, rummaged in her bag, found paper and pen. "you were amazing, see you tomorrow, h xx" she wrote.

then picked up her bag and happily left the flat.

only after she was standing on the street, on the wrong side of two yale locks, did she remember she had left the wrapped up pile of turd mash right next to the note.......

i couldn't believe anyone would tell this story, but then helen knew no limits whatsoever and wasn't even that embarrassed about it. mind you, this is the same girl who once had such an anal seeing to that she involuntarily shat herself walking across her flatmate's bedroom to tell her about it. and voluntarily told the rest of us.

strangely enough, we're not mates anymore... although perhaps i should add at this point, that is because she then went and pulled the bedshitter. now THAT was a match made in heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Begrudgingly
Really didn't want to relive this, but hey ho.

Shagging a girl that I had been seeing for a while, but relationship was falling apart (from my end, not hers).
She new relationship was failing but kept a brave face of it.
Sex was great, except the last time when we were going at it she would often reach around and shove fingers up her ass etc etc.
Except this time she brings forward her hand that is holding a freshly squeezed one.

Her only words "ergh, look that's disgusting".
I often wonder if she did it on purpose as she new it could be our last time.

Took me a Looooong time to have sex again.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:18, Reply)

A Close Second...
... to the "anal fuckage" story.

Picture, if you will, this scene. Sat in the bedroom of my then-boyfriend (yes, the same one), watching a movie or something, when he spontaniously askes if we can "do something".
I give the wonderful female answer of "I don't feel like it." (In my defence, I was feeling like shit that day). After about ten minutes of him whining at me, I give in and agree to sex, despite the fact that what I really wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed.

About halfway through, I'm thinking about something completely unrelated, like what was on TV that night, when he stops and says "You don't look like you're enjoying it." This led to the inevitable discussion about how I didn't want to do it anyway and ended in me being thrown out.

Apologies for length? Length of post yes. But the sex lasted faaar too long.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:08, Reply)