Club toilets
I've got a club toilet story too.

In a crummy little indie club I met a lovely young lady who was very pretty. We met there a few times. There was kissing of faces and much fun had by all. Well, both.

One night it went a bit further and she took my hand and dragged me off the dance floor and up the stairs to the toilets. Obviously, the bloke's was out because the cubicles didn't shut and there was wee all over the floor. So we were heading to the ladies.

"Wahay!" I think, having never been dragged to club toilets before. I was drunk enough to ignore the smell and the possible complaints from other patrons etc etc.

We queued for about five minutes before deciding it probably wouldn't be worth it. I went home and had a cup of tea instead. It was lovely and didn't involve standing in someone else's wee. It was then I realised I'm old and I like it.

The next week she told me about her boyfriend and we never saw each other again.
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:52, Reply)

The story of Luke.
I have a pretty good story for this, but I'm going to save it for another time.

Picture the scene: It's the long, hot summer of 2004. I've just moved in to a new flat, and I've spluffed my last cash on a weekend ticket to T in the Park. A friend of mine from Manchester comes to stay pre-festival, bringing with him two friends. One, Ian, remains a good friend to this day.

Then there was Luke.

Despite the fact Luke only stayed with us a matter of days, there are dozens of stories I could tell you. Here's my favourite.

Myself, the three Mancs and my friend Morven were sat having dinner in the Junction pub. Luke and Ian start chatting to some strange girls, we leave them to it. They get their numbers.

From here on in, it's a bit hazy. Luke and Ian disappeared to some kind of party held by the two girls: the three of us took mushrooms and spazzed around for eight hours or so.

Around halfway through, we got a phone call from Luke.

"I'm vomiting blood... I've called me mum to let her know..." *click* line is dead.

He showed up the next day wearing a sarong and someone else's t-shirt, wielding the following story:

"I was shagging that blonde lass, but I was really drunk and I threw up on her. But once I was wiped down her mate finished me off!"

Classic.



EDIT: Epilogue. A friend of mine ended up going out with the wipe down/finish off mate. We took great delight in telling him this story.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:45, Reply)

My last girlfriend once asked me....
Is your cock alright? I answered-Yes, fine. Why?
She then told me she had this stinky white discharge. And then showed me, she was wearing my boxers aswell. It was at this point she said it must be because she'd been eating too much salt dried fish. WTF?. Though i HAVE LEARNT SINCE- FUCKING CAPS LOCK- That there could be some element of truth in this.

Anyway, she then told me she felt horny, and suggested a bit of a romp. I was alittle perturbed, and said so, but she was adament, and demanded head. To this I point blank refused, which led to the classic "I'll wash it first" I still refused.

I did fuck her though. No condom either.

The discharge cleared up a few days later. So it looks like the salt dried fish was to blame after all.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:44, Reply)

I was shy, and didn't lose it until i was 19 and at Uni.
I spluffed before i even got inside. It was quite a voluminous one, too, and all over the poor girl's arse/crotch area.
Oh the shame! I cringe to type these words.

I am a little better now though. Although i have had the same problem both the times the Mrs. has let me try to do her up the tradesman's entrance. Well actually, i did just make it inside the last time.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:36, Reply)

First impressions
I met my girlfriend's Dad whilst giving his daughter a good seeing to with another couple on the floor doing the bad thing.

:edit: Did I mention I now get on better with her Dad than her? /boggle
( Captain V, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:28, Reply)

Worst shag I ever had?
It was fucking brilliant.
(milk_explosion, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:26, Reply)

Ex for a reason....
Hands, dry hands. And overenthusiasm, pulling and pushing this way and that. And the sensation of ripping flesh. And blood. And every time I 'reacted' to anything for the next two weeks it hurt.

Also, same ex neglegted to tell me that it was that time of the month, but seemed enthused by the idea of no rubber... Although somewhat reluctant I'm weak willed when faced with nudity, so off we go... The resulting gooey red mess will haunt me for the rest of my days.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:24, Reply)

I dated a Republican (American).
Not all Californians understand sex: California is divided into north and south on many important issues.
Date a woman from Santa Monica (LA) and you may have someone look into your eyes three point five minutes into the act and demand in a tone of panic: "Why haven't you come yet? CAN'T YOU?"
I am serious, that is a quote.
That is a quote, I am serious.

My cousin had the worst sex of her life with a Republican, as well: be warned: not everyone in California gets it.
(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:21, Reply)

I've had a lot of good sex, but...
I've had a lot of bad sex too. Unfortunate, but true.
Worst 3 encounters (in no particular order):

1. A young man and I, after a long night's drinking, went back to his place. It wasn't until after he had his one thrust (yes... just one) and finished that I noticed his questionable hygiene. Enough to make your skin crawl, trust me.
I'm not sure if it was my utter inebriation or the horror of his groin, but I was then violently ill.
Charming.

2. During a particularly raunchy session with the Mr is0lati0n of the time, he let one slip. A very loud one at that. If that wasn't bad enough, he then whispered into my ear, "Baby, I just farted..."
Laughter ensued. Sex ceased.

3. I wondered for a while about the 3 tongue piercings that a suitor of mine had. It turns out he was compensating for his fun-size mars bar penis. I wish I was joking, but alas, the poor man was hung like a gnat.
At least the tongue piercings made for rather interesting times...


Length? 2 inches, at the most.
(is0lati0n, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:21, Reply)

OK, this isn't actually my story, but i thought it b3taworthy anyway.
I was watching TV about 10 years ago, Channel 5 had just started, and there was some cheapo, late night gameshow where ex-couples joined forces and answered questions about each other, the couple with the most right answers won... kinda like "Mr & Mrs". And just for the record it was hosted by that Aussie who played Joe Mangle in Neighbours.

ANYWAY.... it got onto the round where the contestants had to re-tell an embarrassing moment in their ex-partners history. So this guy starts to tell this story of how he and his then girlfriend had gone out for a meal and a few drinks when they decided to get it on. He chuckled as he described how she was so pissed she puked on his cock...

...then the camera panned to show her face... with her eyes welling up, she snapped "I WASN'T DRUNK, IT WAS 'COZ YOUR COCK STANK! [quivering lip]"

Aaaaah... the bloke laughed, i laughed, everybody laughed except the woman who had sicked up on a stinky bell end.

Then, even though i can't remember for sure, the law of averages means that not long after watching that, i had a wank - which may or may not have been amusing in some way.
(A Hospital Carpark, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:13, Reply)

On the subject of boring sex
I had a friend in high school who said she loved oral sex because it was so nice and relaxing, like reading a good book... I really hope things have improved for her.
(RDT <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Body Builders
Many many years ago I dated a body-builder for a while (yes Clinton Hadfield, I mean you). He was a twunt, and I have no idea why I put up with him for as long as I did.

Being a body-builder, he had an ego the size of a small country. He also had a nasty prediliction for Testos Boost, which is a hormone that has many unfortunate side effects (mood swings, aggression, over-confidence), all of which he suffered from. Including the 3" cock. His sexual technique could at best be described as 'determined', and at worst like being poked repeatedly with a really tiny knitting needle.

He laboured under the illusion that he was somehow a sexual stud of legendary proportions, despite his tiny nob, and because of this subjected me to hours of the dullest oral sex I have ever had the misfortune to recieve. He just assumed that if he licked it up and down (steady rhythm, no variation) I would be this squealing mass of lust. In reality I'd get cold, dry and BORED out of my mind. This is nothing compared to the hours of jack hammer thrusting that would then ensue.

At the begining of our relationship, I was inexperienced. Then I realised that he was just shit, and tried to get him to do something different, but he got offended. I faked orgasm occasionally, just to be polite and then realised that he neither noticed, nor cared whether I came or not. I decided to spend the time doing something useful, like watching TV. This became my undoing...

During a particulary lengthy, dry and occasionally painful session, I started watching Coronation Street. He (as usual) didn't notice, and he eventually finished the job. My mate then called round for a brew, and in the course of the evening, we discussed the important plotlines of Corrie. Turns out that she missed the second half of it and desperately wanted to know what had happened. So I told her. In front of the boyfriend. Who suddenly looked very very VERY pissed off.

Ooops.

I'd like to say that the sex got better after that, but it didn't. He decided that I was frigid, and therefore had a mental problem that wasn't his fault. So carried on the way he had before. Silly tit.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:02, Reply)

Put me right off my stroke.
In the six years since losing the dreaded V plates I have had some interesting experiences.

The one that sticks out was the time I was boffing my ex in her bedroom, while her parents were down the pub.

We were doing the horizontal dance when we heard the front door open. No matter I thought, I am almost done and they are likely to fumble around downstairs for a while. So I give it one or two last toe curling pushes, before I suggest to the former ladyfriend that I use her ample breasts, as a tissue for my man deposit.

She agreed. (dirty bitch, she was) I pulled out, straddled her and started the short job of finishing off.

Here I was straddling a pretty hot lass, member in hand, ready to give her the kind of nut custard blast that would make Peter North blush. When, without making a sound, her mother (ropey is a fair description, 'Christ on a bike, what the fuck is that!' is probably fairer) shot up the stairs burst through the door, to the sight of her 16 year old daughter in the process of getting glazed like a doughnut.

My monstrous Peter North style ejaculation turned into a feeble excuse for a dribble. My orgasm went from a raging ball of thunder that was ready to explode with collosal magnitude, to a deflation of small balloon with a hole in it and my will to live evaporated.

The wind being sucked out of me is a sensation I will never forget.

Im fairly sure we did it again after they had gone to bed though.


Lenth...No I cant, its too easy.
(Gimli son of Gloin., Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:00, Reply)

Banging a mum of 3 scamps for too many hours one day...
and the 6 year walks in and asks why the light down stairs is swinging....

upto that point, the rest was cracking
(sir_beats_alot, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:58, Reply)

Dripping Wet
When I was a younger man with greater stamina I was a young girl's first partner. Every time we had sex we had to stop some minutes in because she thought her bladder was going to explode. Being of only slightly more experience I reassured her that this pressure was the sign of a beautiful orgasm and she should go with it.

I had no idea matresses were so expensive
(bendyness shows you on the brick where he licked her, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:58, Reply)

Does size matter? Yes yes it does
Mine happened not too long ago, my friend had a party and a lad i had my eye on, it seemed had his eye on me aswell. So later on that night im asleep in my friends mum's room, and he comes and wakes me up n we start to get freaky, as it were. He's rubbing me n im rubbing him etc etc, i was enjoying myself until he pulled out the tiniest cock ive ever seen. Now usually size doesnt matter and im not a lover of a huge sausage to be honest, but this was ridiculous. He put the on the jonathan ross, only to have have of it hanging off as it was too big and started to thrust it inside me, not that i could feel anything seriously. And because the condom was too big he kept popping out. In the end he pulled out and attempted to fix the condom, so i rolled over and pretended to be asleep.

Length? I wish!
(SexualCarrots, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:56, Reply)

Dirty girl...
Most of my sex has been ace, but there was this one girl at Uni...

Not only did her muff stink, but there were... bits... in it. Christ knows what they were, I wasn't down there long enough to find out.

Also she was the first, and so far only, girl to stick a finger up my arse.
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:53, Reply)

Laughter
Met a decent looking chappie called J** who was a cracking dancer. Good dancers are usually good shags in my experience.

And indeed he was a fairly good, until he came.

When he came, he laughed.

He laughed long, loud and heartily, a bit like Brian Blessed, on helium.

He didn't acknowledge the laughter in any way, so I thought that he thought it was perfectly normal behaviour.

After a while, I started laughing along with him, I just couldn't help myself, it was infectious laughter.

He thought I was laughing at his technique and ended it with me.

Ho hum!

Worse sex ever? No.
Obscurest? Yes, I should think so.
(Jugular, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:47, Reply)

Watersports anyone?
A potential conquest asked if they could watching me urinating. Apart from the fact I was "standing to attention" at the time, urine does not do anything for me, so I made my excuses and left.
(Glen Moranjie, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:47, Reply)

A mate
Whilst I'm at it, my best mate's banjo string snapped when he tried doing his girlfriend up the wrong un.

Yes, the Lord was watching and he did say Thou ist a dirty brown winger.

Apparantly the amount of blood was really worrying, put him off for a good 5 minutes.

Took him a good month after that to let a woman near him though. Quite tender.

A lesson to the wise - why down the brown when you can sink the pink? Think ahead people.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:43, Reply)

He's forever blowing...
A story related to me by the same acquaintance responsible for the poo trap story...

As a pubescent lad he was beginning to experiment with self-gratification. One day he's playing with a bubble blower -- you know, a bottle of soapy water, a stick with a loop, you blow and get bubbles -- when he puts two and two together...and heads off to the bathroom.

So he's pumping away at the now-empty bubble-stuff bottle and having a fine time of it. However when the time comes to disengage, he finds that he's built up a vacuum and the thing is stuck fast. 'No problem', thinks he, and gives it a mighty yank. 'Rip' goes his foreskin, 'spurt' goes blood all up the back of the bathroom door, 'argh' goes he.

Not wishing to explain to his parents that he's torn his cock wanking into a bottle, he spent the next two weeks with it wrapped in toilet paper. And walking with a distinct limp.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:41, Reply)

With an ex-girlfriend...
... she got drunk at a party, which means she turns into a very nasty person indeed. I tend to try and stay away from her when she's drunk because she usually punches me.

But she'd decided she'd have sex with me and I was too scared to argue so we nuded up and I tried to cum as quickly as I could to get it over with so I could run away, before she threw up on me or something else. Crappy job done (I didn't care; she wouldn't remember it anyway) I ran off and spent the rest of the night playing Halo 2 co-op.

Length? It was difficult to work up any at all.
(Junathan testing..., Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:41, Reply)

Not me but...
...my housemate at uni, Jim, a big hairy guy who infequently pulled finally got his chance with a girl he'd been after for months.

So the next morning, we asked him how he got on. He told us the carnal act was aborted so we asked him why. He duly explained....

Big hairy Jim, in trying to be passionate, had tried to turn the girl over and succeeded only in banging her head on the wall, hard. This was topped by the following exchange of hot and horny pillow talk not even Jackie Collins could muster.

Jim told us he'd put his hand between her breasts and found a patch of dry flaky stuff. His exact words to the girl were, "Urgh what's this, another blokes cum?!" she replied, "No, that's my excema".

Good old big hairy Jim, there's no substitute for class.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Holds up pinky finger!
Only ever had one experience of encountering a chipolata when i was expecting a cumberland.

Dealt with by pretending to be more drunk than I actally was and fell asleep.

Sorry! chappie whoever you were.

I still feel guilty about that.
( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Let Down
I was 17, just about to go to Uni, pulled a bird 2 years below me in school, friend of a mate's lady. Back at my house for an afternoon of school, I spent little time in getting her out of her school uniform. Quality. Amazing body, quality tatas, nice shaven haven and the uniform, I repeat the uniform - I was the cat about to get the cream. Oral pleasures ensued, brilliant. Got down to he beast with two backs, she insisted being on top, sweet. She then started doing the most bizarre thing - each thrust was like she was bouncing on a trampoline, like feet in the air - you know how difficult it is when every 1/2 second there's half a foot of clear air between your old chap and the target? It ended in tears when she didn't return to earth spot on and nearly snapped my knob in half. Very disappointing and extremely painful.

On a positive note I saw her a week later and made amends in the style of the dog, but that's not the point.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:39, Reply)

sex?
what's that then?
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:36, Reply)

Just a quick one
Ok guys straw poll.

Who's ever been stabbed in the end of your cock with a coil (IUD whatever)?

It's less fun than you might imagine and ends procedings quite swiftly.
(Just_Mister, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:32, Reply)

Park Bench
Around midnight, shagging my Mrs. on a bench in a park and waved at a couple walking past. Made the front page of our local newspaper a week later.

That sex has scarred me for life.
( Captain V, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:31, Reply)