Revenge is a dish best served at 120 degrees Fahrenheit
Back when I was at Uni I started regularly snogging/feeling up a girl called Sinead. She seemed a little... reticent about certain details of her life and never invited me back to her place. Nevertheless, I really fancied her and was hoping it was going to go somewhere. Anyway, after a couple of weeks she invited me to a party at her place. I turned up with a couple of my mates, all excited and expecting us to finally get down to some actual mookie that night. Wrong wrong wrong. The place was absolutely stuffed with godawful posh rugby playoing types and my Spidey Senses (finally) started tingling when I saw the biggest of the lot with his arm around the lovely Sinead. Somewhat concerned I weaved my way over to her and, ICE COLD GODDAM BITCH THAT I NOW REALISE SHE WAS, she simply said 'Oh yeah, er hi J***, this is my boyfriend Mongo' (or Humungo or something. I dunno he was just an enormous great big rugger twat). Suffice it so say I was crushed. Now, thankfully the boys I had with me were premier grade vengeance merchants and while I was content to sit in a corner moping they decided to even the score. After breaking into the cellar of the house they turned the stopcock off, snapped the handle off, then turned the heating up as high as it would go and similarly disabled the controls. They then found me, told me I was a f*cking twat for wanting to stay there a minute longer and hustled me into the night, pausing just long enough to pop a bar of soap into the microwave on the way out (try it, it's amazing. But not in your own microwave).

The following day I found out that, with the temperature approaching 120F and nothing to drink but booze, the rugby dicks had all got increasingly aggravated until the whole thing dissolved into a massive pagga. Hilarious violence and household damage ensued.

Serves the two faced crocadilapigdog right if you ask me.
(scunnydelight, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:47, Reply)

I did the dumping..
But we were about 12, and this girl had been after me for a few years; you know the type, constantly following you around pestering you etcetc, so I decided I'd had enough.

I went up to her, went "Fine, Michelle, will you go out with me?" and she screamed "YES!" and I just looked at her and went "Hooray. You're dumped". Apparently she cried so hard she got sent home. But I don't believe that.
( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:34, Reply)

Chocolate Related Sacking
I wasn't dumped, but I dumped a fellow in the following confectionary manner.*

Do you remember a few years ago around Valentines Day they sold solo Rolo's in a wee box? With the tagline "I love you enough to give you my last Rolo"? I wrapped the box beautifully, gave it to the poor guy. It was empty - I had eaten it.

Cheap day return to Hades, please!

*No longer have a sweet tooth - bad karamel, oops I mean Karma??
( Strangey is present at, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:32, Reply)

Actually, just remembered
A female friend of mine a few years ago had this boyfriend who was a waste of space, had a criminal record and was just a general obnoxious arse.

One day he never came home, so she threw all his stuff away, reported him for not paying his tax, and told his employers about his recent criminal record (who promptly sacked him because he didnt mention it).
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:25, Reply)

Run, run like the wind!
OK. It was a safe number of years ago in a pub in Camden and I was approached at the bar by a very attractive young black girl whose birthday it was. She said that she had noticed that I was on my own and invited me to join her and girl friends at her table. Of course, I accepted and much alcohol was consumed and we flirted outrageously throughout the evening.

At the end of the night she asked me to go back with her to her flat and left her friends to take another cab. Of course, I accepted and the anticipation on the way there was almost unbearable. We got back to hers and undressed with total disregard for foreplay and then we got down to work. After hours of mutual pleasuring (modest, eh?) I pleaded for some kip before passing into a coma-like sleep. When I awoke, she was half dressed, running around the room frantically picking up the rest of her clothes, telling me to GET UP. It was a Saturday morning, I wasn’t working and I had, to quote Withnail, “A bastard behind the eyes”, with no Aspirin in sight. As the sunlight blazed through the window, I asked her what the problem was…

She said, “You have to leave. My husband is coming up the stairs with our kid.”

I hold the world record for the naked, back stairs hangover dash!
(thathitsthemark, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:18, Reply)

Current squeeze...
Is a girl I've been shagging for a few months but not really 'going out with', as my heart lies elsewhere.

Anyway, cut a long story short, she's moving up to Glasgow in 2 weeks, and as a going away gift for her, my mates between them have offered me £90 if I can film myself performing a 'Spiderman' on her.

FYI A 'Spiderman' is the art of pulling out just before the vinegar strokes, chucking your fat into your hand, then flinging it in the girls face whilst triumphantly shouting "Go web go!!"

It's tempting for the money, but I do hold a certain amount of respect for the girl as she awarded me my brown wings and a good 3 hours of 'home videos'. I'll flip a coin or something.
(Jon Norris, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:17, Reply)

When I was in Sixth Form
I had to go to a Church of England school for my drama A-level 'cause my school didn't offer it. Being a Pagan, I decided not to hide my religious status, but simply tuck my pentacle away and not make a big deal about it.

I started seeing this guy Dan and was pretty besotted with him (as you are at that age) and suddenly, two weeks later, he tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore. He still loves me and thinks I'm great, but I'm "going to dance in Hell with Satan" (said in the cheeriest, nicest voice possible). I kicked him in the nuts and told him to get out of my house.

Made me nervous to go back to a Christian school, but when everyone found out what happened no one would talk to him for being such a intolerant cnut. Yay.
(Rev. Otana, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:15, Reply)

Not exactly spectacular, but...
It was the day of my last school exam, and just before I was about to go in the school hall to sit down, her best mate tells me that I'd been dumped, and no, she didn't even want to be just friends. Rah.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:12, Reply)

never piss off my mate...
A friend of mine recently had her boyfriend go on holiday to devon with a girl she hates, shag all week long, come back and tell her about it, and act like he'd done nothing wrong. Well, my freind didnt approve of this, she she an another friend waited for him at work at the stables the next morning, caught him in a big net, cut off his jeans with a penknife and tarred and feathered his nether region.
( Yeknom. Incontinence and Premature ejaculation? Easy come, easy go., Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:10, Reply)

never had a bf to dump me. :(
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:05, Reply)

nutters
I had a mate who worked for social services and he told me the following.

A couple in the midlands were his clients. They were a tad on the loopy side. One evening hubby turns up pissed on a nicked post office van. It was him and 3 mates and a young lady. The 3 mates were needed to balance the post office van as it only had 3 wheels. On arrival hubby jumps out of van legs it into the house and locks his wife in the lounge. Hubby then takes young lady upstairs and starts horizontal gymastics. Meanwhile wife smashes window of lounge, climbs out, lets herself in using the front door keys. She goes upstairs ,knocks out hubby and throws out young lady. She then ties hubby to bonnet of car and drives him up and down the M42 until apologetic noises were heard



this is my first post on this fine forum you like ?
(binner, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:54, Reply)

A guy I know....
was dumped by her giving him 20 cigs and a sixpack of beer, then told to console himself in them....
(Mr Joe Bangles, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:52, Reply)

death to syphilitic teddy bears and their creator...
by forwarded email, after 2 1/2 years, after a night of what I thought of as wonderful lovin', and the bitch only lived about 2 miles away! It was one of those fucking 'Forever Friends' e-cards FFS! after the homicidal tendencies passed cue 2 weeks of utter drinking chaos until I just wised up and went on the rebound with a rather sexy and posh 17 year old nympho...(I was 20 by the way)
(meatatarian!, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:48, Reply)

Eaten by the spiritual crocodiles
- The trouble with Mormans is that the're like Pacino in Godfather 3. You try to get out, they pull you back in. Got this t-total (and very engaged-to-be-wed) morman good girl drunk and twisted to the point she uttered the immortal line 'I can't go home I might fuck my mom'. How we love that one to this day. Anyway I helped her get over practically every hang-up it's conceivable to have and used the Homer Simpson program to get her living in the impulse zone. Performed public oral sex. Fiancee fell by the wayside.
Some superb nookie followed and there was much rejoicing. We went to our seperate uni's and I was moderately worried that she would go wild and leave me for some crazy uni loon - what I wasn't expecting is that the f*ckin Morman rescue squad would FOLLOW HER and turn up at her doorstep EVERY FECKIN DAY and slowly undo all the excellent work I'd put in.
So in the end I was dumped for God.
And it's happenned again since then.
Do you think He's trying to tell me something?

/postscript - she went on to marry original fiancee man. Strangely my wedding invitation was lost in the post.. ;)
(lemonymillenniumbaboon, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:44, Reply)

Double Jeopardy
My first message post *woo* and I hope it brings you yay! So if you are sitting comfortably, I will beguine.
Many moons ago, whilst enjoying those simultaneously marvellous/terrible university years, I was suffering from the age-old problem of The Pre-University GF (PUG).
In a scenario which has undoubtedly been played out innumerable times before and since, I disappeared off to my place of ‘study’ safe in the bizarre apprehension that our post-adolescent mutual-yearning was all powerful, and would carry our flame safely through three years of bacchanalian living.
Obviously, as I imagine anyone reading could attest, this was a fools errand; things eventually deteriorated and eventually the inevitable happened, too much booze turned into too much of everything else.
Unfortunately, come the holidays, there seemed to be no particular rush to recount my misadventures and destroy the relationship with the PUG or upon return to university to recant my terrible ways. So, this double-life existence continued, with a good helping of evil underhand deception. “Hoho” I chortled merrily to myself as I sat with all of my cake whilst eating it…..
But as with most scandalous deeds, this one received a most heinous comeuppance.
Eventually my bravado became too much and for some reason invited PUG to a swanky dinner at university. Clever little bastard move that one. All progressed fantastically well until one of my flatmates and best friends decides to tell PUG about my ‘relationships’ with two lovely young ladies sitting at the next table. (The utter f*cksock – but fair do’s: my bad really).
Now bear in mind this is in a hotel at a dinner for 150+ people, cue the PUG standing up mid-dessert and letting it rip big time. What follows was a twenty minute long rant right through the hotel at full volume, across the dance floor (emptying it of people) and into the car park. I imagine it was seen as most amusing by the majority of the other guests but I (and quite rightly) felt an utter twunt.
After the next day (night spent on floor), I never saw her again.

As a post-script, some months later, I became engaged and the fiancée’s parents announced it in the Times (laaadeeeeeda)(er… we are no longer together btw). Two days after the announcement, I received a very short congratulations card from the PUG’s parents wishing me a happy life. It is still one of the coldest and most sinister things that I have ever had happen *shudder*.

Yours, and apologies for length as always. Snoogins (who, he hopes, has grown up into a lessofatwunt)xxxxx
(Snoogins, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:40, Reply)

i had a friend
who was a bit of a shit to women. he got his cummupence when a lass he was seeing rang him WHILE SHE WAS SHAGGING ANOTHER BLOKE. actually on the job, so he could hear her being fucked. that was her dumping method. i would imagine it was rather effective. still, he deserved it really.
(hazey, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:40, Reply)

How cathartic.
Little twunt of an ex called me to say he was about to sleep with another girl and wanted to check if i'd be ok. Erm....no.

Most recent ex.....got my own back by telling all his friends about an unfortunate cock-ring incident. Still makes me laugh. Soooo purple I thought it was about to drop off.

Ahhhh!
(Happycow - 2% pure beef, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:36, Reply)

Yay! Ladies think I suck
I've been dumped a few times. Maybe this should tell me something, but I am a man & therefore refuse to learn any lessons from life.

1) I had been living with my girlfriend for about a year or so. As far as I was concerned all was hunky dory. One day I get a call, asking if I'd like to go for lunch. I did. I was informed that she as moving out (blah), needed space (blah). I was somehwat surprised as I had been ridden most enthusiastically that morning. I sulked a bit. She then removed my bed, a bunch of cds & some clothes. I also got a phone call three days later enquiring if i'd found anyone else, which I hadn't. She had. I also got phone calls over the next few months which went thus: "Tee hee hee. Guess who i've slept with". Mad bint. She also worked in a record shop. So why teh feck did she steal my CDs? Eh? I ask you.

2) I had begun to see a lovely young lady for a couple of months. I enquired one evening if she'd like to go for dinner that Friday night coming. 'No' Said she. 'Oh. Ok. Why?' said I. 'I'm packing'. I enquired as to the nature of said packing. 'Oh, I'm going to Australia for a year on Monday. I've been wondering how to tell you'. 'Australia?' Said I. 'Aye' said not I. Bint, she was. Saw her on one of those stupid tv house makeover programs living in a dive with a right twat. w00.

3) Was dumped by woman once for terrible crime of not liking the mediocre Pacino flick 'Insomnia' as much as her. This was a terrible crime along the lines as such heinous acts as only taking her to Rome for her birthday, not Barcelona, despite her never having had anything but positive things to say about Rome. Well, she continued to abuse me for any difference of opinions form her. Was uttely bintish. After dumping spent about 2 months decrying my cock size & sexual performance (despite the fact she screamed so much my flat mates cringed in their own rooms). She worked on the basis that if she destroyed my self esteem, I'd get so desperate I'd take her back. No chance. She then decided her only course of action was to move to Belize. This was obviously entirely my fault. She also had made up her own name & voted Tory. I do pick 'em.

I will not apologise for length. The lack of same may have been a problem with the above ladies.
(Lord of the Pies, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:32, Reply)

Does being dumped by fax count?
The cheeky cow.
( pxyzyzygy, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:19, Reply)

oh this is hilarious... soothe my sides
Was staying with my ex French girlfriend in Paris a few years ago, and she either threw or we went to a party every night. She had a male bisexual stalker called Olivier, who really "bugged" her.

Anyway, on that fateful night, the alcohol was flowing, and much shit French pop music was heard.

So she tries to get me together with this Olivier chap (which wasn`t really going to happen due to my sexual preference for women), and when that failed, played tonsil hockey with him herself. In front of me.

Yes, that relationship lasted a long time.
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:14, Reply)

Spectacular...
...is my mate getting an MMS message on his phone from an old friend, showing his then girlfriend, in glorious colour, noshing on his member.

She denied it was her.

Suprisingly, she is now his ex.

And he doesn't speak to his old friend. Well, not since he beat seven shades of shit out of him anyway.
( doctordoctor I feel like a pair of curtains, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:12, Reply)

Not really a dumping tale, but an amusing ditty...
When I was all tiny and small and still at Primary School in Lun-din, my best friend was a girl. She was rather Tomboyish - but she was still what some might say my childhood sweetheat (not that I like em rough you understand).
Anyhooo...I move away when I'm 8. Never hear from the London crew again really. And ten years later I find out she's a Lezza....
I turned a female into a flap basher when I didn't even know they existed...
Amusing tale. Positive note is that I spose she might be a pretty one. Who knows?
/edit - sorry, just seen someone else pipped me with a lost-hetero story. damn
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:11, Reply)

Not me...
A friend I used to go to Uni with had decided to dump his long term gf that weekend when she came to visit. He met her at the station and told her as she got off the train.

She kicked him in the balls and then punched him in the face as he knelt on the platform holding his knackers - she got a round of applause apparently as she got back on the train
( ashurek, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:09, Reply)

yeh but
Yeah but no but yeah but no but i ent dun nuffin so get off my back cus ya no kirsty well shes a tart cuz she woz round da bike sheds wiv shena and dont even talk 2 abigayle ashby cuz she went veggie 2 months ago and den ate a bargain bucket at KFC!
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:09, Reply)

er... just one more involving 'kitty'
who was very strange - i need to give a little background about this burd.

I think she was on the rebound when we got it on in the redstar in camberwell... i was never completly sure tho.

her gay brother suggested for one date, the film requiem for a dream. i think that was the nail in the coffin.

she worked as a psychologist for lambeth or something, and during a meal at the bug bar restaurant, she convinced me to dump myself - it was one of the strangest things ive had happen to me - it was like being told by derren brown that my services were no longer required.

confused? very.

if you read this kitty, you are a freak.
(magictorch, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 11:59, Reply)

involve the in laws
A friend of mine ( an anagram of his name is david) has the honour of being able to tell people he managed to turn 2 of his ex's into lesbians.

As a matter of fact they ended up with each other...... but i remember the classic way he dumped one of them was to call her father up after a long, drunken and tortuous row to demand that he come and take away his "demented bitch of a daughter as i can't stand the sight of her"... which he promptly did
(gentleben, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 11:56, Reply)

My sorry tales of being dumped.
My first serious girlfriend was a nice looking young lady, getting an education in the darkest depths of Wales. We went out for 3 and a bit years and all was good, however it all fell to pieces after we got engaged.

Her dad was ill and it didn't look like he'd last more than a year or so longer, she was upset at the idea he'd never have the chance to give her away. Being a nice chap I suggested that some kind of little civil ceremony might be in order. Not a real wedding but something nice that'd feel weddingish.

She agrees that that's a nice idea and should do it. A few hours later she takes me to one side and sheepishly says maybe I'd just like to marry her instead, not really thinking about it I agree and propose, she accepts (woo!) happy me. After that we have a fantastic few days of being young, athletic and newly engaged.

I end up having to go home to Bristol for a while (Work and all that) but after a day or two she stops answering my calls, that weekend She calls me up, and without a trace of remorse says 'I'm in bed with someone else. Would you like to speak to him?'

A few days later she followed it up with a dumping SMS and a nice phone call to say as she was a student she felt she should sleep with more men. Needless to say I was slightly unhappy, threw the £200 ring into Bristol docks in a fit of anger.

Just to finish it off a few days later I got one of those stupid Emails you fill out and send it to everyone you know in the vague hope it'll answer your wishes, under the 'Have you ever been in love?' question she'd written:

'I thought I had, but it turned out he didn't love me back. Now I know I never was in love at all'

Bitch.


More recently I lost my job, my confidence was shattered both by the loss of my job and the fact I'd been stuck doing night shift for the past 6 months. So just to cheer me up on the way to a good friends birthday party my girlfriend decides to dump me. Why?
Because I've lost my enthusiasm and confidence.

Grrr..
( Equus is still lurking, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 11:54, Reply)

Bitter? Me?
I was dumped. By my fiancee. By letter. From Rwanda.
(parm, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 11:49, Reply)

groan
I've just dumped my girlfriend of two years..

She chased me for two years, we started going out, and during the next 2 years, she:

Snogged many people behind my back.
Flared up and shouted at me for no reason (like the time I had an interview and she got angry because I'd meet new women??)
Punched me in the face on many occasions
Been rather nasty on many other occasions
Started fights with several of my friends

And the final straw, asking my friend to sleep with her.

I saw the light then, told her that, and I quote:
"You are a filthy whore, who will remain unhappy for the rest of your life if you continue to be the selfish, untrustworthy slut you are. Don't ever contact me."

Ooooh, it felt good.

Although she still says she loves me, and is constantly texting and emailing me behind the back of her new boyfriend. Somehow, I don't think she'll change...
( icezebra *insert large monkey*, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 11:28, Reply)