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I'm going to see if the early-people have better problems.
I am recording a podcast this evening. I need some problems to solve in Dear baldmonkey. Please could I have your problems to solve. The more realistic the problems, the better. Thank you. You are very kind to tolerate me.

EDIT: These are mostly very good. Thank you.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:24, archived)
Dear Baldmonkey
I have to go to the embassy and I've been putting it off for a while now. I need to get my passport renewed so I can pay a visit back home to that England place. What motivational tips can you offer?

Lots of love,

Theoban
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:26, archived)
Where are you now?
France, innit?
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:27, archived)
France aye.
It's been over two years since I've been home.
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:30, archived)
You know, you dont have to...
I mean theres no rush...
(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:28, archived)
England is suffering without me
I'm sure all these problems being faced over there could be solved if I returned.
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:30, archived)
Dear Baldmonkey,
What is the meaning of life?
(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:27, archived)
Dear Baldmonkey
The bills are piling up and the money isn't racing in as fast as it should be. What's the best way to turn a quick buck?

Yours,
Mine.
(I helped save b3ta! Noit happy baby orangutan, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:28, archived)
Put Esme out on the game.

(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:29, archived)
ARE YOU FUCKING BALDMONKEY?
I DON'T FUCKING THINK YOU'RE BALDMONKEY SO STOP FUCKING ADDRESSING QUESTIONS DIRECTED AT FUCKING BALDMONKEY.
(I helped save b3ta! Noit happy baby orangutan, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:32, archived)
Dude
No one is fucking baldmonkey.

That's why he's always on here.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:32, archived)
DUDE!
YOU TOLD HIM!
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:51, archived)
Noone is fucking baldmonkey

(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:32, archived)
OMG LOL WE ARE MIND TWINS !!!!!!

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:33, archived)
Dear Baldmonkey,
I'm having a lot of difficulty finding employment. What can I do to improve my chances?
(I helped save b3ta! Godzuki needs more sleep., Mon 11 May 2009, 9:29, archived)
More lipstick

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:30, archived)
Dear baldmonkey
I am frustrated by my work/life balance. I'm sick of commuting for hours every day and want to spend more of my time doing things I want to do. If I do that though, it means taking a huge pay cut and not being able to pay my mortgage.

So, should I have pie or chips for lunch ?
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:29, archived)
pie, you shouldn't even need to ask.

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:31, archived)
Tsk
The correct answer is Pie AND chips.

You fucking idiot.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:32, archived)
chips don't matter, really
the pie is the important bit.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:32, archived)
*shuns*

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:33, archived)
Why can't you have pie AND chips?

(I helped save b3ta! Noit happy baby orangutan, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:32, archived)
I've got a cold, Baldmonkey
what should I do to entertain myself at home?
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:30, archived)
also, I had curry for dinner on friday.
it's still in the fridge. Will it kill me if I eat it for breakfast today?
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:31, archived)
I know the answer to this one

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:31, archived)
yeah, but how many board games are any good if you're on your own?

(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:39, archived)
Wankopoly positively encourages solo play

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:51, archived)
Have baked beans on toast for lunch,
then tell us about it here.
(I helped save b3ta! Major Turd for tonight only, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:37, archived)
Have baked beans on toast for lunch,
then tell us about it here.
(I helped save b3ta! Major Turd for tonight only, Mon 11 May 2009, 10:12, archived)
I've had a headache for more than four months
My doctor won't give me class A drugs. Without stepping over legal boundaries how can I solve this problem?
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:31, archived)
get a drill
relieve pressure in head.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:32, archived)
I can't find my drill anywhere.
Will a cork screw do?
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:34, archived)
all ills can be solved
with trepanning
(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:45, archived)
Have you got a bad back?
Sorting that out could help you.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:33, archived)
Nope
And if I had I would use Firey Jack. It is red hot on yer baaaaaack.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:35, archived)
Fucking hell can you still get that stuff?
My gran used to rub it on her neck and it stank the house out for hours.
(I helped save b3ta! Mrs Sp@m, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:39, archived)
I dunno
But I once had some similar stuff applied to my shoulders, and a bit of a scratch and then went for a piss. Double ungood.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:43, archived)
Dear baldmonkey
I need a poo. There are several toilets in the office, should I go to the one nearest my desk and leave a rancid smell that could easily be traced to me, or should I walk all the way downstairs and go to the one by the kitchen where anyone could be blamed for the stench and rancid brown skids ?
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:31, archived)
Probably downstairs.

(I helped save b3ta! Major Turd for tonight only, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:41, archived)
I've agreed to help someone put up a flat pack bed on friday
My life is turning into an episode of the chuckle brothers.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:32, archived)
Turn up drunk
and start a fight.

You'll never be asked to put a bed up again.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:33, archived)
She's a girl,
I'll get drunk while making the bed and say something like "lets test it out love" before passing out with my head on a sick covered toilet seat.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:35, archived)
If it's a girl
turn up with an obvious erection and keep winking at her.

Shell ask you to leave.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:36, archived)
She'll just think that's my alan key.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:38, archived)
or is it more like this?
www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article106604.ece
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:35, archived)
Lol
NSPCC advert at the bottom, they're such nonces.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:37, archived)
Oh man
I did one of those, but it was a twatting great big cabin bed thing. A full day of work and I lost 5lb in moisture. Grim days.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:36, archived)
I hope it's not a full day,
Hopefully be finished in about 2 hours...
(PsychoChomp, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:39, archived)
Dear Mouldbunkey
My parents had to put down the cat over the weekend. They said he was very old and ill and it was "just his time to go".
Are cats allowed in Heaven?

From,
Eddie (me)
(I helped save b3ta! Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:34, archived)
All animals are, except cats
Cats are shit
(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:37, archived)
People who beleive in heaven are bad enough
but people who beleive that animals go to heaven are deserving of a hideous and violent death.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:39, archived)
People who dont believe in heaven are bad enough
People who believe that animals dont go to heaven are deserving of a hideous and violent death.
(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:42, archived)
SCHISM !

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:44, archived)
Dear Baldmonkey
It is sunny and I am stuck inside doing work. Can you suggest a job that lets me work outside when it's nice, and inside when it's cold and wet?

Lots of love
Pickle
(I helped save b3ta! Pickle Fairy is clumsily dancing away this fear, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:39, archived)
Tortoise prostitute
During the winter, Tortioises hibernate, so in the summer, you can let them lick your tits in a field, in Winter, you can snuggle up with them in a hay-filled cardboard box and slip a finger up their cloaca while you gently tug their little scaley cocks.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:43, archived)
Dear baldmonkey
I've always read your name without emphasis on any one syllable, however when I listen to your podcast, you refer to yourself as baldMUNkey.

This grates with me. It makes me wince. Sometimes I feel the need to visit violence upon innocent strangers because of this.

Please help me with these feelings.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:41, archived)
dear cuntmonkey
i have trouble sleeping at night due to the fact i worry that the fridge light doesn't really go out when i close the door, how can i calm myself?

yours

x
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:41, archived)
sleep in the fridge

(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:45, archived)
MAFIA H C PAUL SAYS
"Tonight, you will sleep with the fridges."
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:47, archived)
dear baldmonkey
fuck off, there's a good chap
(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:42, archived)
dear baldmonkey,
a local lunatic keeps telling me i have a 'cornish' face.
i have no idea what he means by this.
(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:43, archived)
You're looking a bit pasty?

(I helped save b3ta! Randomgazz, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:44, archived)
oh gaz, if that had been anyone else i'd be trying to punch them through the internet now

long time no see, how are you?
(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:47, archived)
I'm fairly good,
just got my diss bound ready to hand in. How about you?
(I helped save b3ta! Randomgazz, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:50, archived)
aye, not so bad
congrats on getting it finished
(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 10:04, archived)
Dear baldmonkey
what is the best thing to put in a cheese sandwich, relish or pickle?
(I helped save b3ta! Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:49, archived)
cheese, probably

(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 9:57, archived)