Time for the 11.14am joke
A woman was rehearsing a dance routine for Britain's Got Talent and did the splits. Unfortunately it was in the bathroom and she accidentally suction cupped her clunge to the tiles. Her husbands tried in vain to pull her off but to no avail. He called in his mate who suggested he fetched a hammer and broke the tile. The man thought for a bit and said, "OK you fetch the hammer and I'll flick her bean".
"Why would you want to flick her bean now?"
"Well I think, if I can get her wet enough, we could slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive".
Your turn.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:14, archived)

Could he not just have used
a bit of egg yolk or some lube ?

I'm not sure about this concept.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:15, archived)

couldn't they have slashed her flesh with a machete to break the seal?

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:15, archived)

or just moved house
and remarried.

It's what I would have done.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:16, archived)

well she did want to go on that talent shit programme, so yeah. ditch the bitch.

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:17, archived)

Egg yolk?
You must be a right bedroom oddity.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:17, archived)

Yeah dude
better than melty butter or lard.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:21, archived)

but it gets stickier the thinner it gets.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:22, archived)

STOP TAKING THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY ONLINE

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:24, archived)

OH
I actually thought you meant you used egg yolk as a lubricant.

Alright, calm yourself you girl.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:27, archived)

Lubricant ?
I use my charm as a lubricant. When I speak gently and soothingly to a woman even her bum wets up.

I've given a woman a wide on with no more than a cheeky wink in the past.

Lubricant my arse.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:30, archived)

So when do these effects kick in, then?

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:31, archived)

When I talk to a sexy lady.
OFFLINE.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:32, archived)

Oh I seeee.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:35, archived)

You dont
cause I am online.

If you could see, you'd be wet like a ducks cloaca.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:36, archived)

You might not be my type.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:37, archived)

Goaty is everyone's type
You'd have a wide-on like a wizard's sleeve and be wetter than an otter's pocket.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:41, archived)

I resent all this wide-on talk.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:42, archived)

Don't resent your wide-on
Embrace it. But carefully.
( Theoban What of it, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:43, archived)

Lest I fall in myself and become an Escher drawing.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:44, archived)

Endlessly falling, throughout time

( Theoban What of it, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:46, archived)

damn straight
it'll be slippy. don't want to drop it mid-embrace.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:47, archived)

Do you fancy Comedy dave?
If so, you'll LOVE GW.
( RR I love you ... in a way, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:43, archived)

Who?!

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:44, archived)

I look fuck all like comedy Dave
and besides I'm not even interested in getting off with ladies I met whilst talking about having unwanted sex with menstruating dogs.

Even if I was 17 and a virgin I'd still think twice about taking a ladyb3tan up on an offer of some "fun involving nudity and bums"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:47, archived)

I don't think that was me, somehow.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:53, archived)

i have a thing for men who wink at me.

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:40, archived)

Men who say things like toots
and call women broads. Oh yes.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:42, archived)

YOU'VE GOT BROADTOOTS
KANNY LAD!
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:45, archived)

i dont mind toots.
but i don't associate winking with that kind of guy.

the man who winks most at me is an accountant.
i think it might be a tic.
( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:48, archived)

When you see a man you like
piss in his eye.

That will give the impression he's coming on to you.

And to be fair, after you've done a wee in his face, he probably will be.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:49, archived)

A CLASSY TIP.

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:50, archived)

what about men who can't wink properly without hitching up a whole half of their face?
are they to be denied any binkylove?!
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:50, archived)

DEPENDS IF IT IS CUTE and is they maintain eye contact with the free eye.

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:55, archived)

the problem with binkylove is there's just too much of it :(
i am always falling in love and never out of it.

i'm constant in my affections, but easily impressed.
( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:56, archived)

i have spacky eyes
i can't raise one eyebrow either

but thanks for the tip!
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:57, archived)

I CAN RAISE EITHER OR NEITHER OR BOTH.

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 12:12, archived)

I AM SURPRISINGLY JEALOUS

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 12:20, archived)

*waggles smugly*

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 12:23, archived)

*both eyebrows droop symmetrically*
sadface, I CAN MANAGE THAT
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 12:25, archived)

dawww.

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 12:27, archived)

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you like because it can't chase you.

/made up 10 seconds ago.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:16, archived)

What do you call a man with a cock on his head ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:17, archived)

cock head?

( Mrs Sp@m, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:17, archived)

Hutch

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:18, archived)

Tommy COOPer
you silly cunt.

Rabbits live in hutches
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:19, archived)

No they don't, they live in Dams. fucking got brain flidism you have.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:21, archived)

Like fuck they do
you're thinking of beavers, beavers live in dams.

Rabbits either live in Hutches (Domesticated) or Warrens (Wild)

Hamsters live in yourmumscunt
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:22, archived)

BEAVERS LIVE IN NESTS YOU DIBBLE CHINNED TIT REST!

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:22, archived)

FUCK A MENSTRUATING DOG YOU SACK OF CHIMPS VOMIT
Birds live in nests.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:25, archived)

BIRDS LIVE UNDERGROUND IN BURROWS YOU DOUBLE DICK EYED SPASTIC MAGNET!

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:29, archived)

YOU FESTERING PILE OF PENSIONERS JOBBIES
how dare you suggest subterranean domiciles for avian entities on a public forum ? It's worms, moles and the ginger that lives underground.

AND DONT YOU FORGET IT SONNY MI'LAD
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:31, archived)

DUCKS LIVE UNDER WHEELBARROWS
THEY QUACK AT ME AND I GET SCARED D:
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:32, archived)

*sneaksneaksneaksneak*
QUACK!
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:34, archived)

D':

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:35, archived)

only kiddin' DG. it's just meeeee
i'm no duck!

I'M ACTUALLY 14 DUCKS PILED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER WEARING A MASK AND A FANCY TSHIRT
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:38, archived)

C: V== QUAACKK!!

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:40, archived)

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS
and you'd think i would, being 14 ducks
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:47, archived)

BEAVERS LIVE IN PANCE!

( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:31, archived)

only Pench beavers

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:38, archived)

Hoovers live in dams.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:23, archived)

Cats live in a flock
And they stand on one leg, gobbling shrimp and that's why they are pink.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:25, archived)

You're thinking of nipples there
White ladies nipples
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:25, archived)

Really? ah fuck. I always get confused with those...

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:29, archived)

is the bathroom next to the kitchen then ?
I have carpet between my kitchen and the bathroom, she would get rather nasty carpet burns on her lips.
( turb0t, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:17, archived)

come to think of it
the suction on the risers as she came down the stairs would make it rather tricky to move her.
( turb0t, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:18, archived)

well presumably she wouldn't stay suctioned on if it was carpet

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:19, archived)

Morning sex.. (as you can tell this is copied and pasted from an email, although it's still poor my spelling and grammar is better than this).
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'
( Mrs Sp@m, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:17, archived)

pfft.

( Batsgirl, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:31, archived)

A man was in the butchers buying some sausages, when a dog came in.
The dog approached the counter, leaped up and barked at the butcher. The butcher came along and took a note out from the dog's collar, and went and prepared some steak, some kidneys and liver. He wrapped it all up and hung it from the dog's collar. The dog then barked again and the butcher reached into the collar again and took some money, and gave the dog too little change. The dog started growling and the butcher, a bit taken aback, gave the correct change.

After this the dog hops down and leaves the shop. The man decides to follow it, thinking 'what an amazing dog'. The dog hops on the bus and travels a few stops, then gets off and heads down to a housing estate. Reaching a particular house, the dog goes down the path and reears up and presses the doorbell.

A few seconds later a large man emerges from the house and starts violently beating the dog around the head with a newspaper.

The man runs up and says "OI! That dog's amazing, why are you doing that?"

The large man replies "I told him what would happen if he forgot his keys again"
( Theoban What of it, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:18, archived)

I only got an orange at Man United

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:19, archived)

he he

( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:19, archived)

i don't get it

( mongychops, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:19, archived)

Try using a different aftershave.

( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:28, archived)

i've never been one for aftershave, perhaps i should try

( mongychops, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:31, archived)

It's never too late.
I suggest Paco Rabanne.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:33, archived)

How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
( executiverocker only wears C&A, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:21, archived)

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese.

I LOVE this joke.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:24, archived)

i dont get it.

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:25, archived)

NO WAIT NOW I DO.
i said it aloud.
( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:25, archived)

it's funny.

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:26, archived)

hee hee

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:28, archived)

really?
say it out loud
sounds like "not yo' cheese"
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:28, archived)

THREE MINUTES TOO SLOW, mister

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:32, archived)

I'M AT WORK!
jus' trying to help
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:34, archived)

:D

( sleepybinky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:40, archived)

Haha that took me far too long to get
I told it to my friends and now they say I am shit
( Theoban What of it, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:29, archived)

I love YOU

( RR I love you ... in a way, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:31, archived)

How do you make a sausage roll?
Put it in a dunflapper!
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:26, archived)

How do you make a sausage roll?
Make Mykey get an errection
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:31, archived)

How do you make a swiss roll ?
Take him to the top of a mountain and cut off his arms and legs.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:35, archived)

How do you make a jam sandwich?
Use Paul Weller as the filling.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:41, archived)

are we telling jokes?
i love jokes
killingthejoke.blogspot.com/
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:33, archived)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It had probably escaped from someone's hen house and would have been absolutley terrified. It would not have had any particular destination in mind, but was trying to find shelter from the traffic. Call the police and/or the RSPCA unless it is safe to attempt catching it yourself and returning it to safety.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:39, archived)

i'll stick that on there and credit you
CHEERS
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:52, archived)

The Britains Got Talent reference makes it modern!

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 11:50, archived)