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# Newsletter needs top tips too
Any suggestions?

BTW: *wanks cock* I've seen this phrase on 4 different message boards in the last week. Where's it from?
(I helped save b3ta! rob, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:41, archived)
# From the depths of desire
in all us b3ta-ans
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:41, archived)
# Apparently,
it's some kind of masturbation reference, m'lud
(I helped save b3ta! mechamatsimpsk, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:42, archived)
# Thanks for the de-structs...will try them out tomorrow

have a woo for the fluff
(I helped save b3ta! Attila the Bun is not in a right cunt of a mood, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:54, archived)
# never iron a hat backward and forward
because this will stretch the fabric
put the iron straight down, then lift off
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:42, archived)
# heff's funky tip
when cleaning one's shoes, it is not only fun, but useful to set light to the boot polish. a big flame shall appear, that should be extinguished by replacing the lid, before applying the liquidy boot polish to your scruffy shoe. and always polish shoes in small circles
(Heffer foiled, once again, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:43, archived)
# oooh
I'm sure my grandad said they did that in the trenches.
(I helped save b3ta! rob, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:44, archived)
# the do it in most armed forces
the melted wax penetrates teh leather more than the solid...

oo

i said penetrate

*fwap* etc
(I helped save b3ta! Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
# yeah,...
i spent a little too much time in the cadets...

boy do i suck
(Heffer foiled, once again, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# hehe
the only reason i know is that my brother is an ex Para
(I helped save b3ta! Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# What, being in the cadets teach you to suck
??
(I helped save b3ta! Hagbard ... it's been a long time., Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:54, archived)
# no, just the militaria deal
you know. the military sucks. i was in a pseudo-military thing, therefore i suck. suck hard.
(Heffer foiled, once again, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:56, archived)
# it does work to,
you get an army shine without all the water and effort and stuff
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
# it is/was standard army practise
dunno whether present day polish burns though, you can put the tin in hot water for the same effect, works on dubbin and the wax for barber jackets too.
(I helped save b3ta! Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# oh it still works.
only i dont polish boots anymore 8D
(Heffer foiled, once again, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:54, archived)
# That is far too sensible
(I helped save b3ta! Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
# supermoores sugestion down below is a good one
(I helped save b3ta! MrSanity has maybe kicked the WoW habit forever, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:43, archived)
# to clean the dust out of a pleated lampshade
blow it with a hairdryer on 'cool' setting
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:43, archived)
# why would anyone under 70 have a pleated lampshade?
(I helped save b3ta! MrSanity has maybe kicked the WoW habit forever, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
# who's under 70?
(nonsense, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:46, archived)
# everyone here
(i think)
(I helped save b3ta! MrSanity has maybe kicked the WoW habit forever, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:48, archived)
# Not me, I'm 69.
Oooh, I said 69!

/Schoolgirl giggle.
(I helped save b3ta! CaroWallis, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:49, archived)
# i read that
and imagined it being read in a fred elliot style...
(I helped save b3ta! lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:52, archived)
# Arf!
(I helped save b3ta! Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:53, archived)
# bah
you're too old for that
(0800221155 Coldseal windows, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:53, archived)
# For the pleats
(I helped save b3ta! Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:46, archived)
# ' don't drink and dry '
(I helped save b3ta! bumblebee.. I am not a number! I am a free snail!, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:43, archived)
# ummm
if you breathe in hydrogen cyanide and are still alive in a few seconds try to drink some iron sulphate...
or if you drink methanol drink a really strong liquor...
why can I only think of stuff I found out in chemistry...
(I helped save b3ta! jme, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:43, archived)
# that also is true
yay! a fellow scientist!

*hugs*
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# yay :)
science am the best...
(I helped save b3ta! jme, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:51, archived)
#
Phenol burns should be treated immediately with glycerol (I thinks)
(Jameh, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:50, archived)
# oooh that reminds me
if you're ever gassed with chlorine, pee on a cloth and wrap it round your nose and mouth. The phenols in urine react with all the chlorine

They did that in the trenches too :)
(I helped save b3ta! jme, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:52, archived)
# mmmm
wee wee mask
(Jameh, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:54, archived)
# They do that in Reading on a Friday night ...
(I helped save b3ta! Hagbard ... it's been a long time., Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:55, archived)
# use a water based lubricant
and a one or two finger prime
(I helped save b3ta! Yeknom. Incontinence and Premature ejaculation? Easy come, easy go., Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:44, archived)
# \o/
poosex!
(Jameh, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:46, archived)
# 'Prime'?
Also: do not Google for the phrase 'wanks cock.' It's all carpentry sites.*


*May not be God's honest.
(Small Beer, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# climb the stairs two at a time
to really firm those buttocks
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:44, archived)
# to get a pick out of a guitar
turn it upside-dpwn and shake hard. should fall right out
(Human, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:44, archived)
# never put your cock in a meat grinder.
i don't care what anyone else says. it just doesn't belong there.
(nonsense, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
# when moving house
protect your plates by packing a paper plate between each one
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
# Don't click a link that has the words "tub" and "girl" in.
(I helped save b3ta! Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
#
www.hottubgirl.com/
(I helped save b3ta! rob, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:46, archived)
# *clicks*
(I helped save b3ta! Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# hahaha
winner
(Jameh, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# good response
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:48, archived)
# "Imagine coming home every night to warm moist sensual pleasure"
works for both sites
(I helped save b3ta! rob, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:49, archived)
# yep, Tea has just met my monitor
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:51, archived)
# When going to dust something...
... rub the duster against a ruler or something beforehand to get rid of the built up static which would be then transferred to the dusted area.
If this isn't done, dust is immediately attracted back the dusted area.

A little bit of physics for everyone.
(I helped save b3ta! CaroWallis, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
# *loads up limewire*
Tip Of The Day
When LimeWire says your download is "Waiting In Line," that means that source you are downloading from is temporarily busy and has queued your download. In order to sucessfully complete your download, wait while you request advances in line and is eventually serviced.

so now you know.
(I helped save b3ta! Taxman, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:45, archived)
# to peel an orange easily
drop it into hot water for about five minutes
dry, then peel as normal
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:46, archived)
# ...that is,
if you normally peel your oranges while shouting "Argghhh fuck! My fingers! I'm burned!"
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:48, archived)
# Yes I think that should have said
peeling cooked oranges after five minutes
(I helped save b3ta! Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:52, archived)
# Place 3 or 4 cloves in your sugar container.
This will discourage ants from entering.
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:46, archived)
# yes! yes!
my mum used to do that.
(I helped save b3ta! rob, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# fromthe sound of it
thats not all she used to do...
(I helped save b3ta! Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:49, archived)
# I think he should turn to his family for Top Tips.
His grandad shined his shoes a certain way, and his mum prevented ants. What did his pet hamster do?
(I helped save b3ta! CaroWallis, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:51, archived)
# Hide.
(I helped save b3ta! DogHorse plop, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:53, archived)
# R.Gere springs to mind
(I helped save b3ta! M3Essential and The Essentials. LIVE!, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:55, archived)
# Maybe he can play the lead role
in Goatse the Movie.
(I helped save b3ta! hazzamon I've nothing better to do, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:59, archived)
# when being punched in the face
turn your head towards the blow and try to take it in the forehead.
(schnurricane, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:46, archived)
# Similarly, when being kicked in the nuts ...
Thrust your pelvis forwards to attempt to get the blow to hit the pelvic bone. It also tends to put the other person off a bit.
(I helped save b3ta! Hagbard ... it's been a long time., Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:58, archived)
# a good one...
Never ever go to b3ta.com, you'll never leave, ever.
(Human, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# never use washing up liquid to clean your car
it contains salt which will corrode the metalwork
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# Peanut butter can be made quickly and easily,
by blending 4 handfuls of unsalted peanuts, then adding ground nut oil to the blend mix and stirring it though to the required consistency. Season to taste.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:47, archived)
# also works wonders
on getting knots out of hair.

(former natural dreadlock owner)
(schnurricane, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:49, archived)
# Peanut butter
or ground nut oil? BTW aren't peanuts and ground nuts the same thing?
(Small Beer, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:50, archived)
# Yup
Hence the use of groundnut oil - doesn't mess too much with the peanutty flavour.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:56, archived)
# yep
and peanut butter is the best bait to use in a mousetrap
(I helped save b3ta! deodar ant trois minutes douche compris, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:56, archived)
# I used to live in a vast old English Manor house
riddled with vermin. An old housekeeper told me to use cream crackers (like the Jacobs variety) in the mouse trap. I tried it and it worked every time, much bettter that cheese and safer than poison which the dogs might get to.
(I helped save b3ta! Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Fri 9 Jul 2004, 0:02, archived)
# lol
when chopping onions, get someone else to do it, then preferably call them a pansy for hours on end
that way you dont look like you're crying

(cant u tell i'm northern?)
(VashTheStampede http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:49, archived)
# Best way to avoid hangovers
2 pints of water to replace liquid, 1 pint of orange juice to replace vitamin C and 2 neurofen (just in case). Take it all just before you sleep and guaranteed no hangover. My drunken maths teacher years ago used to swear by it.

Also - useful tip. Despite advise to the contrary, chewing gum does NOT get red wine out of carpet.
(danshome, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:50, archived)
[challenge entry] Best morning after drink:
1 pint tomato juice
1 raw egg
Worcestershire sauce
Salt & pepper.
Mix.
Mmmmmmmmmmm.
(Small Beer, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:52, archived)
# Or even better
replace the egg with vodka. Hair of the dog is always good for you.
(danshome, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:55, archived)
# Hangover cure:
Never stop drinking... EVER.
(Aphasian, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:57, archived)
# word!
i can vouch for this one :)
(I helped save b3ta! deodar ant trois minutes douche compris, Fri 9 Jul 2004, 0:16, archived)
# if you need to capture an injured hedgehog
wait till it's rolled up into a ball
the roll it onto a sheet or pillow case which you can then transport it in, to the vets
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:51, archived)
# Or a river
(I helped save b3ta! Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:55, archived)
# Can't you just lure it with some gold rings like in sonic?
Or maybe a nice pair of super fast red sneakers?
(I helped save b3ta! fishsticks, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:56, archived)
# my mate saw a dead hedgehog
attached to a tree by its anus.
I didn't know what to make of it.
(istoleapig, Fri 9 Jul 2004, 0:12, archived)
# if you've broken a glass
use a piece of white bread to 'blot' up the slivers of broken glass
(I helped save b3ta! mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:53, archived)
# ooooh
that's one I'm going to use :)
(I helped save b3ta! jme, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:56, archived)
# fuck, you are a wealth of knowledge~
(I helped save b3ta! M3Essential and The Essentials. LIVE!, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:56, archived)
#
If you get a bit of metal or something sharp
stuck in your eye, get a friend to lick it out.
The object will stick to their tongue and not
get painfully pushed into your eye, like it
would if you used your finger.
(Human, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:56, archived)
#
Remove white wine stains by leaving them to dry thoroughly then pouring on red wine.
(I helped save b3ta! Lord_Floaty Hooting gladly., Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:57, archived)
# Also.....
... mobile phone batteries may be fully recharged by placing in a microwave on FULL POWER for 30 minutes.
(I helped save b3ta! Lord_Floaty Hooting gladly., Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:59, archived)
# Hahaha
Winnar!
(I helped save b3ta! hazzamon I've nothing better to do, Fri 9 Jul 2004, 0:01, archived)
# When travelling,
store your credit card in your shoe, so that muggers won't find it
(I helped save b3ta! MartinH, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:58, archived)
# When travelling,
make sure you don't store your credit card in your shoe, as you will rub off the magnetic stripe
(I helped save b3ta! MartinH, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:59, archived)
# Don't trust people called Derren
They are just poncy versions of Darren, and incidentally Derren happens to be the name of Derren Brown - World's Greatest Twonk, aside from Clarkson*

(* = May not actually be true)
(I helped save b3ta! bloojam Is back(ish) in bl3ck, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 23:58, archived)
# In his defence, Jeremy Clarkson did punch Piers Morgan.
Which, in my mind, makes him almost invulnerable to critisism.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Fri 9 Jul 2004, 0:01, archived)
# Morgan was second in line
Plus his Iraq photos didn't help his career.

BTW: Any chance of "Shyte Rider" appearing in the newsletter? I could really do with the fame - Ladies just don't come my way anymore*

(* = Not that they ever did...)
(I helped save b3ta! bloojam Is back(ish) in bl3ck, Fri 9 Jul 2004, 0:03, archived)
# If you're ever running out of Euros
French waiters will gladly accept poorly accented insults in lieu of a tip.
(danshome, Fri 9 Jul 2004, 0:02, archived)