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# top tip - for the bottom of the newsletter
anyone got one?

Remember. We are not Viz. Real tips - not 'stick tea bags in the hot water tank, and piping hot tea always on tap.'
(I helped save b3ta! rob, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:10, archived)
# rip lettuce with your hands
using a knife makes it go brown :)
(I helped save b3ta! Ironman tetsuo Back once again with the renegade mastah!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:11, archived)
# you win
I like that
(I helped save b3ta! rob, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:12, archived)
# Damn, I wasted my real one being silly.
'If stored in a dry environment, Sugar will last indefinitely'.

Someone stopped in their car to ask me for directions last night.

He: 'I wonder if you could help me please?'

Me: 'Certainly, If stored in a dry environment, Sugar will last indefinitely.'

He: 'Yes, I know. That's why glass lasts indefinately too.'

Me: 'Glass is not made of sugar.'

He: 'No, sand.' *drives away*
(I helped save b3ta! Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:13, archived)
# Dry
and wasp free
(I helped save b3ta! Milkman Dan, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:14, archived)
# Wasps eating sugar
make it wet.
(I helped save b3ta! Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:18, archived)
# when secured in a box
wasps cannot reach the sugar
(I helped save b3ta! Wasp Box like a nervous random stranger at a glory hole, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:24, archived)
# hahaha
(I helped save b3ta! wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:21, archived)
# yay!
i knew there was a reason i spent all day on here :)
(I helped save b3ta! Ironman tetsuo Back once again with the renegade mastah!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:17, archived)
# You have no friends?
(I helped save b3ta! Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:18, archived)
# this too
(I helped save b3ta! Ironman tetsuo Back once again with the renegade mastah!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:30, archived)
# Using my hands
makes it go browner
(I helped save b3ta! edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:14, archived)
# Another tip:
Wipe your hands after visiting the toilet for a dump.

(I helped save b3ta! Zaphod's Wombat - Never did quite get the hang of, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:15, archived)
# I do
Tip. Lettuce is useful for wiping your hands following a dump
(I helped save b3ta! edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:18, archived)
# Tip:
If edjogs offer you a salad, decline politely.

(I helped save b3ta! Zaphod's Wombat - Never did quite get the hang of, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:19, archived)
# When pumping petrol or diesel ALWAYS wear gloves.
Going for a wee and then porking your lady friend is one of the leading causes of cervical cancer in the UK.
(I helped save b3ta! Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:12, archived)
# I hate it when there's no gloves available at a diesel pump
you end up smelling like you've been pleasuring lorry drivers
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:13, archived)
# How about
"Remember to back up all your fonts before reformatting your hard drive."

*downloads fonts*
(I helped save b3ta! Mystery_Bob, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:12, archived)
# *formats hard drive*
(I helped save b3ta! Dr. Strange Now Fully ISO 3103 Compliant!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:14, archived)
# Reading the newsletter may waste more of your life than you had initially planned.


More of a Government Health Warning though really
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:12, archived)
# CrazyJude asked me to give you this one
Keep your headlights on when driving in the snow to make sure you can be seen.

(Pachey, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:12, archived)
# Only works
if you have black headlights (Copywrite Viz)
(I helped save b3ta! edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:17, archived)
# to remove an overly large head from a pint of lager,
simply rub your finger on the side of your nose and dip it into the head. the oils from you nose will actually cause all the bubbles to dissipate.

and that is 100% fact*

*is actual fact
(I helped save b3ta! Just Flange, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:12, archived)
# Will do that next time i pour a bad pint for a customer
(I helped save b3ta! wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:14, archived)
# is that a fact?
what if you actually wash before going out though?
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:15, archived)
# apparently so,
i read an article ages ago on ten uses for nose oil. i cant rememebr any of the others, but they were all suitably bizarre but believable. and were apparently all 100% fact.

i've tried this one myself before with mixed results

edit: oooh just rememebred another. if you have scratched negatives (for photographs) simply rub the aforementioned nose oil into the negatives and it will remove any minor scratches or blemishes.
(I helped save b3ta! Just Flange, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:19, archived)
# It's also perfect
for lubricating the tiny hinges on a flute,
says my flautist friend.
(I helped save b3ta! teedyay, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:22, archived)
# that was another!!
(I helped save b3ta! Just Flange, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:30, archived)
# doesn't seem to work with bitters

(I helped save b3ta! grey matter, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:15, archived)
# bindun
sorry! www.b3ta.com/newsletter/issue183/
(I helped save b3ta! robtoo is all out of gum, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:24, archived)
# well fuck me.......
......well?......fuck me
(I helped save b3ta! Just Flange, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:31, archived)
#
mix a block of butter with a large pot of marmite and keep in the fridge.
Hey presto. Instant marmite on buttered toast.

(I helped save b3ta! theWooinator, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:13, archived)
# stop spiders being in the same room as you
put 3 conkers in the corner of a room, apparently spiders don't like the smell they give off and will avoid such rooms.
(I helped save b3ta! Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:13, archived)
# hahaha fact?
(I helped save b3ta! Just Flange, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:16, archived)
# apparently
i read it somewhere.

they also don't like cloves if i remember correctly.
(I helped save b3ta! Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:19, archived)
# Cor!
I like that one. Does it work for tarantulas?
(I helped save b3ta! Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:16, archived)
# Yes.
But you have to throw the conkers at the little bastards.

(I helped save b3ta! Zaphod's Wombat - Never did quite get the hang of, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:21, archived)
# If this is true,
I'm conkering up my house TO THE MAX
(I helped save b3ta! wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:17, archived)
# ^This
TO THE MAX
(I helped save b3ta! Cunthorse, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:28, archived)
# *bookmarks*
(I helped save b3ta! Kamikaze Stoat £4.09, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:17, archived)
# 3 shall be the number of the conkers
and the number of the conkers shall be 3
(I helped save b3ta! Dr. Strange Now Fully ISO 3103 Compliant!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:17, archived)
# assuming a spider population
of three or less
(I helped save b3ta! edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:20, archived)
# so it's 1 conker per spider?
how do you work out the number of spiders?
(I helped save b3ta! Dr. Strange Now Fully ISO 3103 Compliant!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:24, archived)
# count
the number of little hairy legs and divide by 8

or something.
(I helped save b3ta! bacon and egg roll is going to be big downunder, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:55, archived)
# buy a Chomp on the way home drunk
You wont want to eat it while drunk.
But the next day you have a nice Chomp!

Result! A surprise Chomp!

also applies to freddos.
(I helped save b3ta! gaijintendo Regular Member, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:13, archived)
# Are freddos
the ones that have caramel in them?
(I helped save b3ta! wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:16, archived)
# There are Freddos with caramel in them
And other Freddos that are comprised of solid chocolate.
(baroo_the_cat Valley of Weights, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:19, archived)
# those are taz bars
no?
(I helped save b3ta! gaijintendo Regular Member, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:19, archived)
# Yes.
This.


(I helped save b3ta! Zaphod's Wombat - Never did quite get the hang of, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:20, archived)
# Ta! It is freddos that rock then
I don't like the ones with caramel.
(I helped save b3ta! wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:24, archived)
# haha
had that exact debate when drunk on tuesday. taz are solid, freddos are gooey. facto.
(hot wee wee jefferson - the cystitis kid strange things are afoot at the circle K, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:25, archived)
# Aargh confusion!
I only like the solid ones anyway
(I helped save b3ta! wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:29, archived)
# you are teh wrong.
I bought a box of solid Freddo's last Saturday. (Costco... 4p each, retail for 10p). Solid choc.

Factorundo!
(I helped save b3ta! Zaphod's Wombat - Never did quite get the hang of, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:30, archived)
# hmmm
im stubborn enough to accuse your cheapskate self of buying the freddos that didnt make the goo line and hence only cost 4p you scab*




*may be completely wrong and made up and not admitting i am indeed teh wrongness. but im not sure now.pants. this beats revision anyway.
(hot wee wee jefferson - the cystitis kid strange things are afoot at the circle K, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:33, archived)
# Freddos in yellow wrapper: Caramel
Freddos in blue wrapper: Solid

Both retail at 10p per item.
(baroo_the_cat Valley of Weights, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:40, archived)
# hahaha!

(I helped save b3ta! grey matter, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:16, archived)
# have your blood pressure checked
i discovered i had kidney disease through having an eye test, which showed a swelling of my optic nerve, which was down to high blood pressure, which was caused by kidney disease. so an eye test saved my life!
(I helped save b3ta! ygolyhuop; jkb;vi, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:13, archived)
# hmm
so the best tip would be have an eye test and get your eyes and kidneys sorted at the same time. 2 for price of 1 deal :)
(I helped save b3ta! Smashy only 35 years of work to go :), Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:22, archived)
# Stop smoking
using Allen Carrs easy way to stop smoking. it works.
(I helped save b3ta! wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:13, archived)
# is he the gay one
of the friday night project?

he's a cunt
(I helped save b3ta! Just Flange, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:27, archived)
# hahaha
no. He is a total utter cunt. Is that his name?
(I helped save b3ta! wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:30, archived)
# its something carr.........
.......or maybe it was cunt.......i dont remember no
(I helped save b3ta! Just Flange, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:48, archived)
# What is this?
Take a Break?

/edit My Nan wants to know.
(I helped save b3ta! El_Jamer ooh Zippy!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:14, archived)
# Use the free plastic gloves from petrol pumps
when you clean pets' cages out... decorate... messy sex etc.


(I was on BBC2's Trade Secrets programme once, y'know)

(I helped save b3ta! Zaphod's Wombat - Never did quite get the hang of, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:15, archived)
# Any good for
handling brown lettuce?
(I helped save b3ta! edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:23, archived)
# When a problem comes along
you must whip it.
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:15, archived)
# whoopish!
whip it good
(I helped save b3ta! Just Flange, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:29, archived)
# damn I was gonna say..
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
(I helped save b3ta! prodigy69 broke b3ta and made everyone leave, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:15, archived)
# ^ this
(I helped save b3ta! Snorty McBumhole YouTube.com/MinistryOfGeeks, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:16, archived)
# hahahahahahahaha
(I helped save b3ta! Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:17, archived)
# ^The best
(I helped save b3ta! teedyay, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:28, archived)
# :
Putting a mini marshmallow in the bottom of your cone prevents ice cream drippage. If you happen to be a slow ice cream muncher.
(HectorProtector, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:16, archived)
# If the perforations on your two-ply toilet paper are out of alignment,
peel off a single ply once round the roll. This puts them back in sync again.

You can use the same technique to put the holes out of sync on a correctly-aligned roll when you take a dump at the house of someone you don't like.
(I helped save b3ta! teedyay, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:16, archived)
# pfft!
to celebrate your post, i'm going to eat some weetabix.
(I helped save b3ta! grey matter, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:19, archived)
# to celebrate your weetabix eating
i'm going for a shite.
(I helped save b3ta! Snorty McBumhole YouTube.com/MinistryOfGeeks, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:22, archived)
# Thank you.
It is related to my other real-life top toilet tip:

Before taking a crap away from home, always, ALWAYS check that paper is available before you sit down.

Learning from your mistakes is good. Learning from other people's is even better
- Paul Daniels
(I helped save b3ta! teedyay, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:26, archived)
# if a child is choking on an ice cube
pour biling water down its throat, that'll melt the blockage in no time.


(ok, I got that out of Viz)
(Papagato RackSpanner, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 15:37, archived)