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Breel:

Tungdog wants to be in your catalogue of warm animals...

Toasty!

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:29, archived)

that tongue

looks snug

(

spacefish bong!, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:04, archived)

Well

he doesn't want to get it cold... that would never do! :)

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:07, archived)

cool

love it

(

breel, Wed 27 Feb 2002, 6:59, archived)

What can you do with this?

I have already (cunningly) inserted a chimney broom thing.

Couldn't tell it's photoshopped, eh?!

(idgaf.com, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:28, archived)

This:

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:49, archived)

I can't believe I've just posted this. I'm sorry.

You've now got me thinking
About things that are obscene -
So I've written a short poem
About "Flicking the Bean"

I know it is quite filthy
But my mind is full of dirt
I like to crack one off each day
And I flick it till I hurt.

If I need to have a wank
And usually I do
I'd go into the bathroom
To produce my fishy goo

I find it helps to think those thoughts
That can be described as rude
My mind ends up thinking of
Johnny Depp in the nude.

When concentrating on such things
It doesn't take that long
I rub myself from side to side
And cream loads in my thong.

I have to say I do prefer
Someone else's touch
But if my boyfriend's not around
Then I'm glad to flick my crutch.

I'm sure it is quite natural
To masturbate these days
But just make sure you file your nails
Or you could get quite a graze.

I can't believe how rude I've been
My cheeks are blushing russet
Oh, what the hell, I do have fun
Fiddling with my gusset.

Now lunchtime's over so I must
Really do some work
I hope my boss does not see this
Or I'll feel like such a jerk.

(Nacho, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:26, archived)

poems about girls masturbating

are COOL.

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:49, archived)

Just one reply?

Oh, now I'm scared
And feeling rather blue.
I'm not like that -
T'was just a poem,
All totally untrue.

(Nacho, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:51, archived)

That's such a lovely poem,

And nacho I'd like to thank,
For giving me a laugh,
And now I'm off to have a wank

(

crab_bloke), Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:57, archived)

I can't believe you said that, Joel

I'm really rather flattered.
That sounds like such a good idea,
So I'm off to make my knickers splattered.

(Nacho, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:08, archived)

i got no replies, think yourself lucky

i wrote a poem with comedic purpose
so people could giggle while busy with job
but no-one replied, so now i feel awful
i think i'll relax and play with my knob

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:00, archived)

I have to admit that

i hadn't actually read it, but i have now and its brill. So, heres your Woo:

Woo!

:)

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:06, archived)

Thank you, Mike

Your words are kind.
My posts are dirt
You'll often find.

(Nacho, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:11, archived)

It always takes me ages to find the

reply button

(

MartinH, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:05, archived)

Sorry Nacho

Please don't think i'm ignoring
your dirty limerick.
I was in a meeting and didn't see
your post about having a flick.
But now i'm back and all that matters.
Is that I loved your tale of fanny batter.
So with a smile and a cheeky wink,
I'm off for a sneaky tissue think.

(TommyTheMuff is a new dad and luvvin it, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:08, archived)

the expression

"tissue think" is definitely going to be used in more of my conversations.

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:16, archived)

you should publish that...

now, who's going to be the first to animate it?
my money's on crab bloke

(

rockyrobin, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:29, archived)

This

should be printed out on cumpaper... :-D

(

Kaiser, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:26, archived)

I can't believe you wrote that

dirty poems travel fast over he interweb... I may be in Australia now, but I am still not far away enough to escape this stuff! See you when I get back Nacho!

(MattyA, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 21:03, archived)

ahh... lunch time

(

wangolini, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:23, archived)

4998 subs on the email list ...

... can anybody who hasn't, please sign up to get it to the magic 5,000?

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:08, archived)

yay. we are there.

look. I didn't know it would take so long. When I started this thing, I set myself the goal of 5000 subs by xmas. I was two months late. Oh well.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:42, archived)

how many users

are there now?

(

PeterSeychelles, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:46, archived)

how many if you

add the average weekly hits to the newsletter page on the site, though?

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:51, archived)

twenty billion

dunno. The traffic goes up & down depending on whether the viral stuff is popular that day. Buffyswear, catgame, bunnygame, kill your friends and others all help to bring random people to the site. But the email is really important, as these are a small amount of users who are more than casusally interested in new web stuff. This means you can burst web traffic onto a project, and if it's got the X then it's enough for it to reach round the world.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:00, archived)

My point's more that

I myself read it on line each week, same with NTK. I subscribe to popbitch because there is no other way of seeing it.

I guess if it wasn't published on-line, then more people would subscribe to get it by e-mail.

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:21, archived)

fair enough ...

... i went through this debate when me/cal/denise put the site together. Dunno know. As it's worked out, the newsletter is important, but it's not the product like it is with PB. We have the same elements, (board, newsletter & front page) but we are wieghted towards the front page being a daily experience for casual users.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:30, archived)

After scouring through the archive

I've put The Lament of the Solitary Lumberjack onto my collaborative media thingy...

If anybody wants to add some 'office safe' images...

(

flibz, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:58, archived)

Have you posted a link

to your forum?

(

PeterSeychelles, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:17, archived)

There's a link to my forum

from site map.

Although forum stuff is probably best here...

(

flibz, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:27, archived)

Poetry in motion

I saw with great glee that poetry's back
When I read Crab Blokes tale about being a lumberjack.
And though my style can be somewhat clunky
I thought I too would write prose about spanking the monkey.

My true love has left me, I sit all alone.
I have no dog to lick my proverbial bone.
But though I was dumped I can't shift the blame
No woman forced on me my own secret shame.
You see I have a perversion, though I can't tell a lie
I got the idea from 'American Pie'...

When I feel lonely I bake me a cake,
For cakes can't forsake a man's trouser snake.
I bake a light sponge, then I fill it with cream.
Then I ice it with gunge, if you know what I mean.
I whisk up my egg whites to make a meringue.
A cream horn to fill is the yin to my yang.
I've tried different pastries,
from filou to choux
To shape into tartlets and fill with my goo.
My battenburgs are stodgy but it doesn't really matter.
As long as I get to fill them with my baby batter.

My tale of debauchery is almost done.
I know that it's sordid, but dammit, it's fun.
So if you come for tea, try deserts if you dare.
But stay well clear of the chocolate eclair.

(TommyTheMuff is a new dad and luvvin it, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:56, archived)

Rosemary,

you are a true Gee-knee-yus.
Words fail me.
I just emailed that to my friend and she said,
"that's really put me off my egg mayonnaise baguette..."

(Nacho, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:00, archived)

It's alright

I don't do sandwich fillings, just confectionaries.

(TommyTheMuff is a new dad and luvvin it, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:16, archived)

You

need help.

Fantastic!

(

flibz, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:07, archived)

a year in my life

i wanked a lot in january
did i enjoy it much? yes, very!
February was the same
Wanked and wanked and wanked again
What about that spring month March?
I hardened sheets with Mike's love-starch
In April, did I play in the sun?
No, I stayed in bed and played Sex for One
Got into a rhythm in May
Wanked at night and in the day
Enjoyed myself a lot in June
Used my skin-flute, played a tune
July and August and September
I fiddled with my massive member
Tried but failed in October
It was floppy cos I wasn't sober
Had a good time in November
I still shed tears when I remember
For Christmas instead of a Yuletide treat
My knob fell off and hurt my feet.

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:17, archived)

fantastic

ending.
woo!

(

pep, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:31, archived)

People never forget

where they were when it went down

(

MartinH, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:49, archived)

Now that

deserves a "Woo!", "Yay!" and "Brill!". Maybe even an "Oooooooh!"

Bravo, sir!

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:55, archived)

Why

thankyou!

(

MartinH, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:58, archived)

inflatable sea mammals.....

....when will they learn?

(

big daft dave, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:04, archived)

veh very

good

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:06, archived)

Fantastic stuff

The humanity....

(

crab_bloke), Tue 26 Feb 2002, 8:15, archived)

jumpin field cat

please please please does someone want to sent me this background to [email protected]

(mixologist, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:42, archived)

I completely randomly

typed "www.aplank.com" into IE, and found someone who might need a little photoshopping:

Whats Randy saying/doing?

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:33, archived)

Yoko Ono.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:34, archived)

He looks a little evil to me...

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:54, archived)

that sleve imbalance

is surreal

(

spacefish bong!, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:05, archived)

It'll be all

over the catwalks next summer :)

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:05, archived)

Pranks. Crab Bloke once connected a hose from ...

... the sink to my bed and turned the tap on. I was asleep. I woke up - both angry & wet. What pranks have been played on you, or have you played on a friend?

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:33, archived)

my girlfriend

(before I was going out with her, but whilst I was sharing a house with her. It's complicated)

once wired up my bed to the doorbell so that it rang as soon as I got in. Bastard.

(

chthonic, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:43, archived)

Clever.

Can you show that in diagramatic form?

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:47, archived)

No need

Simply wire up a second doorbell button in parallel to the first, and locate it under the mattress. The weight of you getting into bed will make it ring. If you do it exactly right, the initial pressure of you getting into bed will press the button (Ding!) and the matress will bend around the switchbox allowing the button to return (Dong!). Such careful positioning isn't necessary with one of the fully electronic doorbell units that do both the ding and the dong when the switch is pressed down.

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:03, archived)

my brother's wife

was fed up with him falling asleep on the sofa. So she changed all the clocks (including the video), woke him up around midnight and pretended he was late for work. Apparently she didn't let on until he was getting out of the shower.

(

PeterSeychelles, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:48, archived)

Untried ideas, that I probably read on the web 5 years ago

1. Advertise bosses job in paper.

2. Make video of toilet. Invite friends round. Watch TV. One friend goes to loo. Stick tape in. They return to find you all laughing watching a toilet on TV. They think you have installed CCTV have have been watching them take a dump. Lose friend. Ha ha!

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:00, archived)

I did number

2 a coupla years back at a party... We timed the videotaping and made it so someone could leave the room and appear on the tape waving. Took a lot of planning and sad people to pull it off - the stonedness of the victim was a hugely helpful factor.

(

helmetcream, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:24, archived)

my mate was

dressed up as a sheep so i set him on fire as a witty prank. we both received severe burns, but how we laughed....

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:06, archived)

A mate of mine

-he's a clever bloke on an intellectual level but he has absolutely no practical skills; simple DIY tasks, putting up a deckchair, etc. are all beyond his capabilities.
Anyway, he was working up in Newcastle a few years ago and staying at a flat up there. He invited me and some friends up for a weekend to go out on 'the toon' (It's a great place to go out on the lash by the way, you should all try it sometime), but he made the fatal mistake of going to work the next morning and leaving us to clear the flat up before we left.
We decided it would be good fun to move every last bit of furniture in the place and carefully cram it into the kitchen - sofas, beds, tables, the lot. It took five of us about an hour to do, but by the time we'd finished there was not a single cubic centimetre of space left in the kitchen and not so much as a coat-hanger left in any other room in the flat.

When the poor lad eventually calmed down enough to speak to us again (about a month later) he admitted that it had taken him until 1am on sunday morning to get everything back where it should be again.

(TommyTheMuff is a new dad and luvvin it, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:13, archived)

It's not quite a prank but..

It was the done thing after final exams at college to cover those finishing with egg/flour/milk etc. The English course exams had just finished and I saw my friend Michelle carefully avoid the people throwing flour. Not wanting her to get away with it, I caught up with her and totally covered her with flour, to which she turned and said "I do Languages and I have another exam in an hour"

(

MartinH, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:23, archived)

gibb

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:26, archived)

anyone noticed

the surreal passwords on aol/compuserve discs...in the last couple of days I've had 'lathed beer','goblet shake' and 'rotary lamb'

(

wangolini, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:10, archived)

yeah

I have "babble powder" on my desk.

(stanrandom, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:12, archived)

I think it is

a mass googlewhacking experiment by aliens.

(

chthonic, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:16, archived)

when I used to code for a living

i used to love doing passwords like that. If you can't allow users to set their own passwords, I think joining two odd words together is the best option to make memorable passwords.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:16, archived)

You'd better

clean that up before it burns through the varnish...

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:22, archived)

I have

Lots of coasters... and a bin full of random words.
I reckon we should start sending them back, cost 'em a fortune, they won't do it again in a hurry, oh no.

(

vulga is a foul mouthed cunt, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:34, archived)

Babble powder?

You can be fired for that! Do they carry out drug tests in your office?

(

helmetcream, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:30, archived)

Hmm...

As well as Dom Joly, can we get an interview with Gaz Top?

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:52, archived)

what is this Gaz Top obsession?

Is he the crappest celeb you can think of?

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:55, archived)

I think that would be

Timmy Mallet, wouldn't it?

Not that I'm suggesting you interview that twat, mind you.

(

Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:59, archived)

Tell you what

Why don't you interview someone like Tommy Boyd?? He's sunk without trace, he'll do...

(

vulga is a foul mouthed cunt, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:06, archived)

theres only one person who needs interviewing

cheggers

did anyone see his streaming web show extravaganza - cheggersbedroom ?

(

DaWolfey, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:09, archived)

cheggers ...

... a dream interview. We've been turned down by Russel Grant, which was annoying. I was following up a comment he'd said to my girlfriend (who often has to interview old celebs for research) that he "loves the internet, and is making money from it." which would have been a fantastically positive angle.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:13, archived)

Wow

Russel Grant!!! What a celeb :)

on cheggersbedroom.com they say that they're going to be doing it again soon. Maybe a bit closer to the time he would do it - he needs all the exposure he can get, and im sure some people from here would have a look, if only for comedy value !

(

DaWolfey, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:21, archived)

Tommy

he's on talk radio - surprisingly good, too.

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:10, archived)

I dunno

I just remember him from my youth.

I want to ask him silly questions in a B3ta interview, is all.

Is that so much to ask? ;)

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:12, archived)

Build your own!

(FreakWoman shown actual size, additional spandex panties on request)

(

wangolini, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:44, archived)

ah... it was you who brought that site down.

I linked to it, and they were over their bandwidth allowance within 5 minutes. Perv.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:46, archived)

hehehe

(in a Sid James voice)

(

wangolini, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:49, archived)

Mel C!!!!

She's lost some weight

(

Your Mum, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:51, archived)

Interesting

Today's Independent adds its own surreal sea lion twist to what's actually quite a good phone hoax story

(

mrbrong, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:39, archived)

I love people

causing chaos using technology.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:53, archived)

I get the impression

that is some sort of personal mission for you...

(

mrbrong, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:03, archived)

as if.

I am highly responsible, and in no way was was I part of a 3 day campaign of making varitaions of i.am/a.cunt point at frank dobsons website & getting the sun newspaper to write about it. that was nothing to do with me at all.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:06, archived)

Well

that's OK then.

And whoever keeps feeding the guardian's internet column parody sites and saying they're real really ought to stop.

(

mrbrong, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:30, archived)

can you feed them b3ta stuff?

... they never mention us, and we're loads more popular than most things they talk about.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:36, archived)

they should do an article on the

modern aspect of photshoping and the benifits to all man kind, even the sun are at it

www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2001290023-2002090597,00.html

woo, clicky! (thats the first time i've said that, i have a warm feeling)

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:54, archived)

Wow, if they're right

then you've got a guaranteed revenue stream.

And an incredibly unpleasant job.

(

mrbrong, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:36, archived)

Whoar

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:20, archived)

It's Donovan's

Hurdy Gurdy Man!

Although his arms and legs are a bit blurry. It's so hard finding decent photos for spare parts...

(MattDP (Squiggle), Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:19, archived)

dubbin

www.dubbin.com. d-list celebs holding dubbin

(Ed, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 4:43, archived)

woo

is that your site?

If so, can you get Gaz Top to hold some?

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 4:51, archived)

dubbin

yes. should I meet Gaz, that will be my first priority. here is ann widdecombe:

(Ed, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:00, archived)

I might be meeting Pete Burns this week ...

... if only I had some dubbin.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:21, archived)

really

can you interview him for b3ta?

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:24, archived)

I'll ask ...

... some people I know interviewed him last week, and he gave them tickets to his exhibition on er... pictures of himself. I was asked if I wanted to go, and I said "why not?" If I get to speak to him, I'll see if he's up for it.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:40, archived)

he's

"a male barbie" - you should take some photoshopped pictures and give them to him, see what he thinks.

(

monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:44, archived)

he's a "cleopatra" ...

... which was my fantastic contribution to last weeks popbitch. he describes him self as being from a third sex. Er... he lives in a threesome with manager & his wife too.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:48, archived)

I've always had a bit of a thing

about dubbin.
Thank you for bringing it to my favourite medium...

(

pete, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:29, archived)

You're quite

welcome. Lest I baffle any Americans, here is a suitable transatlantic celeb:

(Ed, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:38, archived)

you are blogged sir

good site.

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:48, archived)

I didn't realise

that dubbin was wax for canoes.
My mate used to use it on his football boots, or rather his mum used to polish his boots with it.
I used to find it funny to say that his mums fingers smell of dubbin. Hence my fond memories of dubbin... ahh.

(

pete, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:52, archived)

<blush>

thank you; you're a brick, and I am flattered. i'm actually a doctor now, hence the lack of recent updates.

(Ed, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 5:52, archived)

ah.

I've updated it. It's probably libelous now. What do you think?

(

rob, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:02, archived)

it seems

less damaging than the truth :)

(Ed, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:58, archived)

I see you're a cambridge bloke

Can you get mad bloke who puts silly things on his head? Or Prof Hawking?

(

Wifey, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 6:07, archived)

funny you should mention

prof hawking... have spotted him several times tootling around Cam, but alas! no dubbin to hand. apparently he recently went into addenbrooke's (hospital) A&E (ER) when his wheelchair ran amok and propelled him into a wall, but I wasn't there at the time... honest

(Ed, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:00, archived)

I saw him once

while I was having beers down the millpond. He went whizzing past knocking everyone out of the way of his chair. He's brill.
I've seen him at addenbrookes too, but I can't tell you about that...

(

Wifey, Tue 26 Feb 2002, 7:25, archived)

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