Sales Bollocks...
It's 2003. I'm not long out of Uni, and somehow I have ended up in local newspaper sales.

It's our first day, and me, Adam, and Claire have all been there since 9am, listening to a parade of speakers telling us what we need to make it in sales. It's a bit like Glengarry Glen Ross if it was set in the over-heated back room in a 1960s office building in Birmingham, and instead of Alec Baldwin calling you a 'fucking child', you received your sales education on how to sell adverts for £10 a time by a parade of bored people in dodgy suits.

It's now about 4pm, and one of the sales managers is talking us through some acronym that we should always remember when we're selling (I think it might have been AIDA, for those who have also done sales training... we'd already covered 'Smile when you Dial'). Anyway, Adam has been on the verge of cracking since lunch, and is now so bored he's clearly starting to fidget and get agitated. As the sales guy drones on, Adam finally gives in to temptation and vents:

'But hang on... we're basically going to be on the phones selling cheap ads to people who actively WANT to buy advertising... that's why they're calling... is this relevant?'
[Rueful chuckle from the sales guy as he propped himself on the end of the desk]
'Even if that was true, Adam, we'd still need to understand how to sell so we understood the psychology of the customer and could help the client shape an ad, wouldn't we?'
'But it's advertising stuff people either want or don't want, isn't it? If you want a drill, you might but a drill if it's a decent price and a good model... if you don't want a drill, you won't?
[Sigh from sales guy...]
'Look Adam... Let me put it this way... you seem to think that when a man buys a drill, he buys a drill [dramatic pause]. The way I see it, mate, when a man buys a drill, he buys a hole in the wall... think about it'

I kind of know what he meant, but still...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:07, 1 reply)

Shag
When I was a student doing fuck awful summer jobs in the factories of Gloucester the word 'shag' was synonymous with 'mate'. Normal morning greetings were, "roight shag?", "roight me ol' shagger?" and "Shag, ow bist?"

My dad worked as an exam invigilator at an agricultural college in the same shire where hairy knuckled sports science students pretended to do the learnings. One heffagrunt threw up his muddy paw mid-exam and said, "'Ere shag, got a rubber oi canav?". Papa's monocle* popped right out!



*penis
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Gates and Coholics
This has been annoying me for some time now. The Watergate scandal was generally referred to as 'Watergate' as it occurred at the Watergate. I'm not sure if it is just lazy journalism, but suddenly anything remotely scandalous becomes a -gate.

Take for example 'Pizzagate.' For anyone who does not remember this scandal, a football player threw a bit of pizza at a manager. Suddenly it's an outrageous incident to known as 'Pizzagate.'

Now, I may be wrong but a) Pizza has nothing to with gates and b) One man throwing a bit of dough at another man bears very little comparison to an act of deceit and corruption exposing criminal activity within one of the most powerful governments on the planet.

On a similar note, alcoholics are called alcoholics as they have a fondness for alcohol. I am not aware of any such thing as 'chocohol', 'shopahol', 'workahol' or 'sexahol' (I'm slightly surprised at the latter, it could easily be some kind of bright, diabetes inducing, WKD style chav-drink).

Anyway, enough ranting for me. I'm becoming a rantoholic...
( greg_evigan is possibly deceased on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:59, 6 replies)

1:Highly Inflammable: Does it burn or not??

2:People who use the word "Yum,Yummy or Scrummy ...how old are you FFS??!!!

3:Any "Txt spk" in a normal situation where space constraints don't apply...use grammar you moron!

4:What the Fuck is a "comfort break"? It sounds a tad pervy to me!

5:"Lowest common denominator" in other words Who's the thick Twat then?

6:"Levels of expectation"

7:A personal favourite: "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" and "Challenging Behaviour" ...In other words your a Twat and need a slap.

8: ADHD..Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder...In other words your a special twat with a sensitivity to artificial colourings and preservatives and still need a slap.

9: "For your Comfort and Safety CCTV is operational within this store"...MY Comfort and Safety!! Do you know how paranoid I get knowing that you are watching my every move in your establishment?

10: "This vehicle is limited to 56MPH by Law" What Law says that?? Oh and why have you passed me on the A1 doing 85MPH in the outside lane?

11:South Yorkshire Police's Motto: "Justice with Courage" which is so fatuous it breaks my heart.
(frightfullybored, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:50, 18 replies)

Corporate wankage and buzzwords.
I'm sure that this week will see loads of replies about bosses using buzzwords. One of my favorites was "robust".

"Well, the system that we have in place is robust so we can be sure that the data is correct."

"We need to institute a robust manufacturing system for this product."

"This is a robust equation that can be applied to many processes."

During meetings one of my favorite pastimes was to keep a running tally of how many times the word "robust" was uttered. I think my record was 14 in one hour.
( Wanderer, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:49, 1 reply)

I might be alone on this, because it seems widespread
But I hate the terms 'bloke' and 'mate'.

'Bloke' because it's become shorthand for a fucknuckled ape, originally of male origins, who drinks pisspoor Carling lager, eats McCoys crisps and ejects other men from their pub quiz team for knowing ballet terms before saying in a gruff voice, 'Awight.' It's a horrible word, bloke. And while it may once have meant 'man' in a sort of friendly, down-to-earth way, now it means an intolerable example of overhyped masculinity with all the subtlety of a massive erect cock. It gets deployed as shorthand for 'all men who aren't posh' but to me it suggests 'all men who aren't posh' are misogynistic, idiotic walking dildos who think 'beer, tits, crisps, football' and not much else. You can picture a bloke: he's wearing white trainers, blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a v-neck jumper from River Island his 'missus' thought would both suit him and was fashionable (she was wrong on both counts). He's in the pub, being entirely unexceptional, uninteresting and unthreatening, and offering gently misinformed shallow analysis on anything that crops up. But you don't want to mess with him. He's probably called Steve.

'Mate' for a similar reason. It's a sub-group of the bloke: to be called 'mate' means one bloke thinks you're another bloke. It's usually deployed by complete strangers and Big Issue sellers: "scuse me, mate..." I'm not your mate; we don't fucking know each other. You don't need to say anything other than 'excuse me'. Women don't. (I don't mind being called mate by someone who is actually a friend, I should add.)

They're small points, but increasingly omnipresent and it's starting to piss me off a hell of a lot.
(Land of Green Ginger It's dreamy weather, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:47, 7 replies)

On the subject of baby talk
anyone who says "ickle" when they mean "little" is a cunt
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:47, 1 reply)

Baby talk.
And no, I don't mean from small kids, I mean baby talk coming from supposed adults.

I've known more than one adult woman who, when she was trying to be "cute" and "bubbly" would deliberately start using baby talk, Sandwiches became "sammiches", spaghetti became "sketty" and so on. Their speech would become full of childish distortions, mixed with a sort of Valley Girl delivery.

For fuck's sake, pronounce the words correctly, you festering cunt. Hearing baby talk come from a woman in her thirties is enough to make me nauseous.
( Wanderer, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:45, 10 replies)

Job-hunting
90% of the adverts look like this: "Our client is a highly respected international consultancy specialising in action-driven, forward-thinking restructuring with an asset-based value system.

We are looking for a dynamic, driven individual capable of person-to-person relationship-building, that can demonstrate competencies in an entrepreneurial, high-pressure environment while being a customer-focused team player in an organisation with a sideways-facing hierarchical structure.

You will be able to leverage opportunities while continuing your professional development and creating value in mutual development situations. You must facilitate visibility in procuring deliverable milestones in our systematic personnel communications and create a synergy between resources and application systems.

We hope you will join us on our paradigm-shifting journey forward!"
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:43, 2 replies)

It must be really big
I would love to know where this 'plate' that everyone seems to be 'stepping up to' is.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:41, 3 replies)

"TXT ME"
At least eight or nine times I've received a text message that simply reads "txt me."

About what? Why? Why don't you just text me something if you want to talk?

It's like putting up a sign that says "read me."
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:41, 9 replies)

Office Talk....
I know someone has already mentioned a few. But I work with a fucking office full of these cunts.

In a meeting the other day, a director says, yes I had the meeting in Singapore and got a "helicoptor view" of the project.

? - You did fucking what? - you actually got in a helicoptor and hovered above the desk to read the project notes?

What a fucking cunt. He'd just actually read the whole page.

Added to that we had

Blue Sky Thinking
Singing from the Same Hymn Page
Meeting Bandwidth
Mountain View (Must be like Helicoptor)

Its utter fucking poncy needless wank speak

Get to Fuck.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:40, 3 replies)

Condense down
I'd like to see someone try to condense up.

Gah!
(Roddimus_Prime Should be revising, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:37, Reply)

110%

(openleggy, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:36, 2 replies)

When people talk about how they love their friends
This simple over-dramatic statement to try and prove that they are a better friend than you due to their cronic insecurity. Pisses me right orrf! Love is special it's for wives, some family and teh kittens.
(openleggy, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:33, 5 replies)

"No offence, but..."
Is invariably followed by something you're going to get offended by.

Why not just say "Pardon me for being a cunt, but..."
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:31, 1 reply)

I make video games. Just watch this thing I made, and it'll explain everything:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6utKjLUbcE
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Y'Get me?
Yes, I get you. We are speaking roughly the same language, and I have not been, as yet, monged in the brain to such a level that will stop doing so. If I look like I'm not paying attention, you could try being more interesting perhaps? Saying 'Y'get me?' after each sentence will ensure that I get you... TO DIE.

My Mrs spent about half an hour saying it after returning from work one day, many years ago. I like to think she understood the lowly intoned statement of intent that greeted this, and has not said it since- either that or she realised she sounded like a gigantic twat.
(Gertcha_cowson NAH MATE, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Shizzle
The use of the word shizzle and its derivatives confuses and depresses me.

I wish I knew what it actually meant so I could give them something else to say..
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:20, 5 replies)

Ask
I work in an environment where the management BS and business buzzwords flow fast and free like a drunkard's diarrhoea:

Going forward

Flex, as in "we need to flex our diaries."

Task and Finish Group

Barefoot workers

Basket of indicators

Regards (at the end of every fucking e-mail, even I do it, but I once typed 'retards' by mistake - no-one commented)

Employee engagement

Elephant traps

Single conversation

Knowledge management

Stretch targets

Key - as in key partners, key milestones, but sometimes used on its own, i.e. "understanding this issue is key."

Business Operating Model (i.e. downsizing i.e. job cuts)

Resource Allocation Model (i.e. downsizing i.e. job cuts)

Work-life balance - whoever invented this is a CUNT, whoever says it is also a CUNT, it's NOT 'work-life' it's 'life-work' because without the former there can be none of the latter.

And my current (least) fave:

Ask

As in "we need to scope out what the ask is here."

GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Dktr S
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:19, 7 replies)

lol omg and all that other childish text speech
and most definitely rofl and its shitty variations
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:19, Reply)

What about people that put 'meister'
at the end of their names. Or worse still, your name.

Right Che-meister?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:18, 2 replies)

Ax
As in "Can I ax you.." "No one axed me..."

Closely followed by "like", "yeah" and "y'know"
(Bukkake_Niqabi Pow, right in the kisser, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:16, 1 reply)

Whedon-isms
Buffy was a decade ago. If your model for speaking is drawn from a 10 year old TV programme then you are a mong.

You are full of mongly badness.
You are all mongy.
You're getting with the mong-age
You're a mongster.

(etc)

And yes, it is "your bad".
(nordelius, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:15, 4 replies)

My girlfriend
says, every bloody time I might add, 'Pacific' when she means 'specific'. Also, be it wood stain, gloss, creosote or varnish it's all 'paint' to her. 'Chimbly' instead of 'chimney', that one irritates me too.

Oh, and while not a phrase or word I LOATHE it when ANYONE does that thing wher they put an inflection on the end of a sentence when even if they're not asking a question!
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:13, 10 replies)

God I hate it when people say stuff.

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:11, 3 replies)

"I could KILL for a cup of coffee"
Well, no you wouldn't would you.
(Melody was not PMSing on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:09, 5 replies)

When a talking..
head, 100 best ever program is on, you can guarantee someone will say "..and this program captured the ZEITGEIST of this era."

Arsebandits
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:08, 1 reply)

Work and weddings
We're all on the same team.

Especially said by any management person who is just going home as you start your 14 hour night shift. I want to burn the warehouse and steal all the Tunnocks caramel bars...

"i'm not much of a public speaker, ..." - shut the fuck up and sit down then.

"i didn't do nothing" - in that case you did something!
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:08, Reply)

Do I know you?
If you have to ask, probably not.
(Melody was not PMSing on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:07, Reply)