Has to be...
Fat people who wear sports gear. Complete with garish jewellery, flailing jangly key fob from their chubby digits and mobile phone on display / bluetooth earpiece flashing away in the ear as if The Borg from Start Trek have assimilated this subspecies. (Usually male and aged between 37 and 45.)

Variations include 3/4 length shorts, replica football team strip and incongruous pint / cigarette.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 23:09, 1 reply)

Saarfend DSS
A woman walks into her local Benefits Agency and collars an employee who happens to have an expensive suit, pointy blond hair and a flappy long coat.

"Ah wahnt sam benifits fer me kihds!"

The gentleman replies in a cultured Geordie accent "What are their names madam?"

"Wehll, there's Wahyne, Wahyne, Wahyne and Wahyne"

"Do you mean to tell me madam, that they all have the same first name?"

"Yeah, they're nahmed afta their dada innit. When it's dinna time I shahts 'Waaaaaaaaaayne, getcherfarkinarsetothetable'. When it's time for bed I shahts 'Waaaaaaaayne, getcherfarkinarseupdemstairsnarh'. It's easy to remember innit?"

"Ah, you misunderstand me madam. What happens when you want just one of the kids?"

"Ah, dat's easy. I jus' shaht their surname innit"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 16 Oct 2008, 23:03, 9 replies)

Is it just me....
I like to think that I have the usual standards when it comes to life in general - don't eat sandwiches walking down the street, don't comb your hair in public, don't eat an orange on a bus, always say please and thank you whilst not wearing Lizzy Duke jewellery and never talk to anyone through a window, etc.... But when I am in the company of anyone that is soooooo far up themselves with the 'God - I am so posh I get out of the bath to wee' attitude I ALWAYS feel the need to do something really common just to wind them up!?!?

I once went out with a guy who said (in his te'bbly, te'bbly clipped accent) that he would 'rather go into one of his father's fields and shoot himself with his hunting gun then fart in front of someone'.... Now, I wouldn't have done it on purpose (honest, Gov) but my subconcious had other ideas and one morning I woke us both up by trumping rather loudly and the sound could only be described as a 'gate slamming shut'... Once I had finished killing myself laughing and he had finished getting dressed and going home my friends and I later named the process 'windybanging'.... Huzzah!

Anyhooo, it was worth putting up with his analness for that laugh and I have a double barrelled surname so no harm done - what ho!
(Senora Veranos cannot and will not so ner..., Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:52, 3 replies)

Kind of related....
I was once in a shoe shop in Oxford, wanting to buy a pair of converse that i really really liked. I told the man my size, he cam back and said they had none because my feet were common.... I was offended
(timewarper, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:47, Reply)

I hate
The term L.O.L. with a passion, along with most of that godawful 'txtspk' garbage.

Browsing some types of forums is turning into a real chore. Tuning (I use the term lightly - fitting a 4" bore exhaust and strapping an ironing board to the back of a 1.1L french shopping trolley is not 'tuning') forums and any overclocking forums tend to be mostly illegible to me. However, youtube comments are possibly the worst offender.

I usually infer that perhaps it means Loss Of Language?

*awaits LOL reply*
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:44, 15 replies)

Ok...
I fall prey to so many things mentioned here, am I common? I don't think so, I'm more...borgeousie youth trying to get away from white/middle class guilt.

I...
- Smoke roll ups because they're cheaper and I can hide hash in them.

- Have a tramp stamp, reminscent of man ray's cello lady.

- Wear ugg boots. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING COMFORTABLE. If men could get away with wearing slippers in the street they so would.

- Say 'innit' a lot. Perhaps in an ironic fashion? Perhaps from the riduculous amount of time I spend around my 17 year old dealer?

- Stay in my pajamas until absolutely necessary to get into real clothes. It's so fun! Also they eventually feel like fur and you are a green and white yeti type creature running to the shop for 'large blue rizla thanks mate'

- Have a dog with 'terrier' in the breed name. Horace is a Bedlington Terrier and looks like a wee lamb. He is also gay.

- Drink in airport bars before 11am. I make a habit of always venturing to the airport bar whenever I am on a layover. I play Tom Waits songs in my head and sit at that goddamn bar. If four minutes go by without meeting some 50ish year old business man who just wants to buy me a drink and tell me his fascinating, sorrowful life story then I give up and try to sneak into the first class lounge.

Those men are legends.

So, am I common, or do I just do whatever I feel like and bugger what people think?
(little fawn, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:34, 6 replies)

Accent
If you want common, then listen to the Hull accent. Look on YouTube for Hull Accent. Watch the first vid, you'll see some people trying to speak with a Hull accent and sounding like John Prescott (who doesn't have a Hull accent, came from Wales originally and looks like Buzz Lightyear)

Go here instead:

Hull accent
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:33, 8 replies)

i'll leave this here
Punters who tuck their (shiny) tracksuit bottoms into their socks. common.

Punters that wear tracksuit bottoms and wear shoes. common.

and in recent years (certainly in Ireland).. BMW's. Common. (chip-shop car more to the point!)

Shiny tracksuit wearing chavs who seem to think a mobile phone is a boom-box/getto blaster (am I showing my age?). common.

Recently encountered a chav punter walk by, with his chav buddies, clad in their best shiny tracksuits. chief chav had his boom-box mobile in his gob as he walked down the street. (I think he was doing this amplify the scooter/chipmunks-do-techno-type-music). common.
(sarcasmo needs more sleep, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:29, 1 reply)

I find
The word " " to be incredibly common.

Oh.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:25, Reply)

Names
I recently did some exam invigilation at a not-so-great school, and I feel so sorry for some children, Tamika and 'Beckem' were my personal favourites
(rosie-pie, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:24, Reply)

Cover it up please
Grey faced slack jawed females that insist on wearing their tracksuit bottoms under their baby bump so exposing a vast area of skin with usually a sticky out belly botton on show. Truly grim
(datcat Millions of cats, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:17, Reply)

chavs...
in general

no explanation needed me thinks
( Kaydie hasn't been on here in ages, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:17, Reply)

When baby hamster arrived...
The next day I popped in to visit mrs hammy and the new junior and a woman who had just given birth was wheeled in to the ward, couldn't help overhearing the nurses ask the baby name, she said something that sounds like it was a mixture of several others, Ashmarieleighla, poor girl was asked to spell it, took about a dozen attempts before saying it was written down somewhere, what hope has that kid got.

Same thing but recently there was some competition in the local rag for lovely babies, some of those names are really funny and must get round to posting them up.
(bluehamster, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:10, 5 replies)

Children trying to be cool
Little boys wearing no top and showing off their calvin klien boxers as they don't yet know how to work a belt.
(arnold sideways, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:09, Reply)

Bugs
In my town, a woodlice is called a 'cheesybug'. As far as i am aware, it is only in my town and local area this name is used. Only posh people say woodlice.

Top 3 commonisms:
1. The Bog = The water closet or lavatory.
2. A Fag = A cigarette
3. A Dump = To excreate faeces.
(Pua'a ega-ega How much chuck norris could a woodchuck chuck?, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 22:04, 8 replies)

With apologies to Julie Andrews
Big hoopy earrings and slag tags on mothers
Corsas with alloys and lily-assed brovvaz
annoying ring tones, played on the train
These are the things that I treat with disdain.

Tracksuits of velvet and estuary diction,
Low slung jean beltlines and Dan Brown's crap fiction
six inches of bare flesh, twixt thong top and arse,
These are a few of the things that lack class.

Girls in white Kappa and benefit culture,
Jeremy Kyle, the sensationalist vulture,
Closeups of z-listers thigh flab in Zoo,
Oh what is this world now coming to?

Owning a loud gob,
Having a boob-job,
Paid for by your Dad,
I simply cannot bear these commonest things,
I can't be the only one so mad?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:59, 24 replies)

beer
Does anyone remember the phrase "mucky beer"?

"What's that granddad's drinking?"
"Mucky beer, urghh"

I used this phrase with my kids when they were young, my mother-in-law said "It's not mucky beer, it's dirty beer".
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:54, 2 replies)

A few years ago I was at a x-mas party with some old friends from uni....
It was an awkward night to begin with since I hadn't seen these people in a long time but my girlfriend had kept in touch with them so it wasn't too bad.

Anyway, this was in Belfast at X-mas 2006 and if you know of anyone who has studied at Queens University they can become quite..how to put it....'up their own arse'. They seem to think Belfast is this great city of culture and they are at the hub of all civilization...but yet I digress once again.

This party was going along quite nicely, I was popping out for the occaisional smoke and then chatting to different peeps all night. At once stage I was talking to the hostess in her living room and noticed that a lot of the guests had gone into the kitchen and suddenly become quite loud. I asked her what was going on and her reply was this:

"Oh, thats Joe's fault he has some coke with him and they are all snorting it but they are cutting it with a cash card so i'm not having any"

I looked at her puzzled, and she said

"Well unless it's cut with a minimum of a credit card, i prefer a gold one of course, it's not going up my nose!"

I grabbed my coat, politely made my excuses and left. fucking twats
( Bamboo Steamer, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:54, 5 replies)

Modern names
As mentioned earlier some really odd names come about. I remember when I first started hearing parents calling their kids "Courtney". Now in Hull, there is a Courtney Street. It has a scrapyard.

Also Chelsea, and correct if I'm wrong, but I thought Levi was a boy's name.

I recently heard calling her child "Sky" who had a sister called "India".

Can we not go back to the old days? I've done a bit of family tree research and looking at census records from the mid-1800s, all the men were called William or John and the women were Mary.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:52, 1 reply)

my mum was particularly bad at stuff like this
she refused to let me call a stomach a "belly"
( evil pixie, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:48, Reply)

When I lived in Newcastle
There was a banner hanging outside of a house that read "HAPPY 30^th GRANDMA".
( CowJam, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:46, 1 reply)

I know of a woman
who insisted her surname was pronounced 'bouquet', despite it being spelt 'bucket'.
( CowJam, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:45, 2 replies)

right here we go...
i love mrs livinabin but she has thrown down a very loud clangy gauntlet

i swear on my life and everything i hold dear this is the truth...

when my lovely wife - mrs spimf was going through a long labour we joked with some of the midwives about chavvy names, one looked shocked an told me we HAD NO IDEA...

there was a child birthed in her maternity unit given the name...

Pocahontas Snowball McGurk

!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:43, 10 replies)

Telling a friend about
the girl at my husbands school called Nokia, she told me about a friend of hers who got pregnant at 16.
The pregnant girls parents weren't happy, but she kept the baby and married the father.

After all this struggle they called the baby L'Oreal.

Why................?

You tell me in a reply!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:39, 5 replies)

Happy hardcore
What's that all about?
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:34, 1 reply)

Marmite vs Bovril
A good friend of mine, with whom I shared a flat as an undergrad. Her parents were worth quite a bit of money (though she would never have qualified for the previous qotw)

Anyhoo, she was quite excited when I first bought a jar of marmite.
"Have you not tried the stuff before?" I asked
"No, my mother always insisted on buying Bovril, because she thought marmite was common."

I know what you're all thinking...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:34, 4 replies)

British Women
OK, not all of you.

But you know in the 70s & 80s, when feminism became a major issue, the idea was that you'd be given the same respect and status as men.

Not that you would turn into tattooed, drunken yobs just like men.

And what is it with your weight? Jesus, get a grip. Whenever I spend any time outside the UK, it hits me as soon as I get back - Christ, British girls are fat. Rolls of pimpled white lard rolling over their muffin top jeans, shapeless udders spilling from their ludicrous "crop tops"... Common.

Common as muck.
(simon shitting mason, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:32, 5 replies)

That patch of green grass at the other end of town
Where anyone can go and walk their dogs, or fly a kite of a windy morning.

I think that's pretty common
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:27, Reply)

The Communist Manifesto
As regular readers of my posts will know, when I was younger, my family was poor. Not poor as in short of a bit of bob but Poor. Poor as in no money at all. Poor as in my mum giving up food so me and my bro could eat. Poor as in the Department of Education giving us vouchers for clothes so that we would look decent-ish at school. Poor as in my mum pretending to play hide and seek with us when the baliffs came round.

Our (black and white - in the 80s) TV was donated by my grandad, and the stereo was a christmas present from my mum to all of us. They were our only luxuries.

But, if there was one thing we weren't, it was that we were not common.

Not being common meant:

Using the back, not the front door to the house (a routine that still exists).
Watching BBC and Channel 4 instead of ITV.
Eating at the table.
Shoes off when you entered the house.
It wasn't a coalhouse (yes, we had a coalhouse!), it was a storeroom.
Never having the 'big light' on - using the lamp instead.
Toys were educational.
Going to Sunday School.
Working hard at everything at school - because common folk just did the minimum.

So despite the fact that the main constituent of the family diet was potatoes; that we didn't have carpets, or central heading, or a shower, or a car, or holidays abroad; that our clothes had to be so worn you could read through them before you got new ones; that my haircut was the one done by your mum in the front room in front of the Antiques Roadshow on a Sunday night...

We were not common.

I am very proud of this fact.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:26, 4 replies)

My name is
John smith.....
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:20, 1 reply)