Where can I....
...get a plane ticket to Alaska?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 8 Nov 2006, 11:03, Reply)

More racist fun
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my dentist was Haitian. His dark skin and funny shaped nose made him look just like a black man. Funny - I didn't know that they had education in other countries! But I thought I'd give him a chance.

My first session, I noticed that he had an odd looking piece of wood in his surgery. Immediately I thought that it was some kind of arcane Voodoo talisman with which he was going to operate on me. Would he put me in a trance using Obeah magic and stick pins in an effigy to control my pain, while sacrificing a live chicken?

He saw he looking at the thing and spoke: "It's a walking stick. I've twisted my knee."

And the strangest thing: he spoke perfect English!
(frankspencer, Wed 8 Nov 2006, 9:40, Reply)

Graveyard...
I have had pretty reasonable teeth for the most part ... which is a good thing really as I am terrified of needles...

So one day I thought ... "bite the damn bullet and go the fuckin' dentist yer big nancy boy" after all ... how bad can it be?...

So ... I made an appointment ... time came ... couldn't do it ... bugger...
Rang them up and explained my predicament ... "well just have a quick look at them for you, no work, just looking" says the bint...

Cool ... make another appointment ... calm as calm can be ... gets in ... seems like a reasonable bloke ... quick chat ... I explain that if he comes anywhere near me with a syringe I am going to put I'm in hospital and all is fine ... has a quick look around and tells me his plan...

I didn't like his plan ... so I substituted it with my own ... my plan didn't involve 2 extractions ... 8 root canals ... 2 crowns ... 10 fillings ... his did...

Fuckity fuck fuck...

So ... I have had 6 out of the 8 roots ... most of the fillings and 1 of the crowns done with no anaesthetic ... all of the nerves where dead or nearly dead so the pain was only mind bendingly fucking horrendous...

And now ... he says no more ... you either have to have an anaesthetic or your going to have to go into hospital ... I don't want either ... but I am left with a smile that looks like a squad of stormtroopers on a night out in a Jewish cemetery...

On the plus side ... his assistant is a tasty big tittied blonde...
(DoCtOr oCtOr, Wed 8 Nov 2006, 1:57, Reply)

numbnuss
i do like my dentist, she (bonus point already) talks me through the procedure, makes sure im comfortable, and that i can bring in my own music, usually pink floyd. however, she has the worst teeth ever. imagin a horse getting into a fight with an iron and losing quiet baddly. yes, they are quite mangled up. doesnt say much about her own handly work does it? plus every thing is covered in plastic... hmm.. final complaint, had a filling, first injection didnt work, so tried another one. ok, gum went numb which was good, except my cheek, nose, eye lid, ear, in fact the whole of my left side of my face was numb and it looked like i had, had a stroke. next appointment is on friday, wish me luck.. (apologies for spelling, grammer etc. drunk and pissed off with twunting housemate)
( Captain Pilchard The king of B-movies!, Wed 8 Nov 2006, 1:04, Reply)

Chocolate fingers
When I was knee high to a grass'opper my Dad was in the Navy (where you can sail the seven seas...and put your mind at ease...in the Navy). Anyway, our family got assigned to a Navy Dentist...and military medical/dentistry staff are always incompetent for some reason or another. This Dentist put me on Fluoride tablets for two years and it left me with yellow teeth (well, they're certainly not very white) but...they are rock 'ard. Great stuff.

That guy was replaced by a black dentist a while after and, being a very un-PC seven year old, I called him 'The chocolate dentist' to his face on every visit. He was cool with it though :)
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 23:44, Reply)

chink
My dentist was a fucking chink now he is a fucking aussie cunt god i hate chinks and aussies
(guruman, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 22:50, Reply)

School dentist
I was at primary school in the early 60s. We had to go see the school dentist who had a surgery in the local secondary school.

It went like this:

That's going to come out soon anyway, here smell this (knock out gas)

gets pliers ... yank

Go and sit over there on that stool with your head over a sink and join all the others.

So you had your head over the sink waiting for either the bleeding to stop or to run out of blood.

Eventually I complained to my parents ..

"Don't go again", they said, "come to our dentist."

I did ... but they *forgot* to tell me he only had one arm!

Still - if you were good and didn't cry he gave you a boiled sweet. Still can't eat them even today.
(lozzzz, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 21:09, Reply)

Dentists and weird names
mines called mr zane.

is there a club or something? they all have odd names.....
(RooRooRasputin Lover of the Russian Queen, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 21:01, Reply)

I'm lucky that my dentist is a very good mate of mine
and is very gentle. He cured my fear of dentists.

When I was a child and had to go to the "school dentist" I would be terrified for weeks beforehand because He NEVER gave me anaesthetic for fillings.

When I was a teenager and had a private dentist I relaxed a bit but that ended when he was drilling a tooth and the drill slipped and drilled along the inside of my mouth. I can still feel the 2 inch scar.
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 20:58, Reply)

off on a tangent, and it wa my mate...
Last year me and a mate decided to go over to our friend's house since she was leaving for a month to visit family. anyway her flight was due at 12:30 and we got there at 11:30 and proceded to kill 2 full fifths between the 3 of us. needless to say we got pretty smashed in 30 minutes and were out of there at 12. This was in the winter(in alaska) and my friend was driving a chevy tahoe without studed tires, and the car was in two wheel drive b/c we had been spinning broadies earlier. so anyway we went down a hill, lost control (speeding) and crossed the median, hit a gardrail and some oncoming traffic. i was riding shotgun and neither of us were buckled up, but i was holding the oh shit handle; my friend busted all his front teeth on the steeringwheel and just now got his permanent replacements in (about 12 months later). somehow i was fine except a few cuts from the empty fifths exploding in my lap. in the hospital my friend ended up blowing a .16, double the legal limit of .08 and the lucky bastrd somehow managed to get off scott free b/c the rookie cop filed something wrong. ----well i learned a lesson from this all, and now when i drink and drive i toss out the empty fifths into the street.

oh and my dentist's name is Dr. kwunte

sry for length/first post
(dW3, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 19:46, Reply)

I have developed a swolen gum
I look like hammy hamsters evil twin
I will not be going to the dentist

You bunch of gits
(skippytheferret Mr. Flibble's very cross, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 19:30, Reply)

In between treatments
My Dentist is called Mr Butcher.

He's actually really good despite the harshness of his surname. I'm having a root canal treatment done. In multiple 'sessions'.

So yeah the funny bit was his name. The root canal treatment isn't the funny bit, it wangs.
(crofty, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 19:14, Reply)

mr patel
is the name of my current dentist and my previous dentist. they are both asian.
(fwack bang on it, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 18:26, Reply)

mmmmm....Smart
am I the only person who thinks dentists HAVE to have weird names?

for instance, my original dentist was called Mr. Smart
and then we had a dentist called Mr. Bayliss
which isn't particularly funny
except
every time I hear it I laugh


also, while walking through the town with some friends and my sister, we were eating donuts. Fat, fat donuts. My sister takes a big bite just as we pass the dental surgery.

SARAH, GET THE FUCK DOWN

I wonder if he knows?
(CatfaceJones, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 17:34, Reply)

Slightly embarassing.
I had to have something or other done about half a year back, and I'd gone in fairly stoned. He tipped the chair back and I closed my eyes as he leaned over me and started working on my teeth.

I opened my eyes a couple of minutes in, looked at the dentist still looming over me and thought 'Ooh he does look just like Hugh Laurie, doesn't he?' and burst into a fit of giggles that lasted a good five minutes.

He though I was a right pillock.
(sporky, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 17:22, Reply)

Dentists are fun...
About a year back, I was told I'd needed two fillings. One on each side of my mouth. "No problem" methinks.
So, after a few weeks, I finally get numbed up, wait a few minutes until I'm called in again.
He drills the left side of my mouth through, fills the gap, no pain. Then he goes for the right side. At this point, I realise this side wasn't completely numb. I tried to tell him not to go near me with that drill, but it's a bit difficult with tools in your mouth (shut up, immature people). So he drills anyway, it hurts a lot, fills it in, blah blah.

Some time later, he left and I got a new dentist. He's Jamaican. Even though I know full well that both my fillings have been knocked out and parts of my tooth chipped in the process, he still insists my teeth are fine. They don't feel fine. Maybe that's how they do things in Jamaica...

I'm surprised my teeth lasted that long. I hardly brush (three times a year, perhaps).
(Grim Jimm makes loud noises at myspace.com/corpsewalking, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 17:14, Reply)

My wife has a big mouth.
A very big mouth. She can fit her fist in it, or for that matter, a small horse. Once when she was in the dentists chair, the dentist said "Open wide". She did. Shocked at the now gaping maw that appeared he stumbled backwards and said "Gracious, not THAT wide."
(lardaholics anonymous, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 15:50, Reply)

the butcher
A mate of a mate's brother is a dentist. not so long back after making a mess of his life by involving waaay too many women (easily done) he ended up in the middle of a messy divorce, facing financial ruin and the threat of never seeing his kids again. He didn't take well to this and often came to work in a, well, let's just say a 'bad mood'. The crescendo was reached when he chased a screaming teenage patient down the road shouting at her to 'get back in the chair! GET BACK IN THE CHAIR!'

Anyway, in true Northern style rather than pursue the matter through the proper channels, his patients gave him a kiss-of-death nickname which pretty much put him out of business.
What did they call him?

'The Butcher of Burnley'

I'd love to be able to say he's doing a roaring trade down the market selling chops and sossies to the unsuspecting public, but no. He's still pushing needles through gums and out the top of heads. :(
(chicken of the sea, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 15:03, Reply)

I once went to the dentist becuase he had slapped my girlfriend when she fell off his motorbike
I ended up feeding his dismembered corpse to an anthropomorphic plant

funny how things work out
( WormuIus, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 12:01, Reply)

Nobody likes dead baby jokes
It seems that I am not alone here in having had orthodontic treatment when I was younger. Well, good. You all deserve to suffer.

Anyway, I visited my orthodontist once a month or so and my mother, who would happily talk to a potato if she thought it was listening, built up something of a rapport with her. They would chat away whilst the friendly Indian lady poked around in my mouth with various instruments of torture.

Until, that is, she became pregnant and disappeard on maternity leave. In the interim, I had my mouth fiddled with by a fat man who smelled like stale sandwiches and wasn't very good at his job.

You can imagine my delight when my regular orthodontist arrived back. Until, that is, my mother asked how the baby was and she turned around, tears in her eyes, and spake thus:

"Oh, wonderful. Beautiful, really. He was a lovely baby. But he, um, he died. In my mother-in-law's arms. No reason, just one of those things. Excuse me."

She left the room shaking, and I never saw her again. My mother still sometimes finds bits of sock stuck between her teeth.

[Insert obligatory 'it's my first time, be gentle' and/or penis size joke here]
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 11:12, Reply)

Just returned from the dentist...
...no pain at all.

It's not all bad.
(Plumstix has been spying on you since, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 11:01, Reply)

I'm better than my dentist
About a year ago my dentist told me I needed quite a large filling in one of my teeth, although I'd had no problems with it. Given that bits had been falling out of quite a few of my teeth (due to a combination of shitty teeth and creme egg addiction) I believed her and decided it was better to deal with it before more fell out and it got nasty. It hurt afterwards (I'd had no aneasthetic thanks to injection phobia) he said it had gone very close to the nerve and damage was possible so root canal might be necessary later if stayed very painful.

Anyway, pain slowly faded away, then intermittently returned after more teeth disintegrated and I went back there. It started to get quite bad so I had it X-rayed as we suspected the nerve was dying and the dreaded root canal might be necessary. X-ray and poking about in my mouth showed nothing.

Eventually it got so bad one night a couple of months ago I coulnd't get to sleep because my mouth was in agony. There was a large swollen bit under my tooth which I decided was the problem, and I needed to burst it there and then and let whatever infected crap was in there out NOW. It was 4am, I was tired and in pain, but so much pain I decided there was no way it could get any worse. So I got some mouth ulcer gel for aneasthetic and looked for a pin. Coulnd't find one, but I found a Leatherman (big sharp multitool) and went to the bathroom and started randomly jabbing at my half-numbed jaw.

Luckily before I'd drawn any blood, I found a sharp bit which seemed to have flesh trapped behind it. I managed to dig out the trapped bit of flesh without even breaking the skin, and it's been far less of a problem ever since, I've only had unbearable pain once for a couple of minutes. How the dentist didn't spot that when I did without being able to see what I was doing is beyond me.

Moral of the story: DIY surgery by random stabbing while half asleep is more effective than careful work by a qualified medical professional.
(GothicTechie, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 10:53, Reply)

black and proud
I am a dentist. As with many of my race, I am relatively under-represented in this field and I occasionally experience mild racism from small-minded and arrogant morons.

The other day, for instance, there was one young man who seemed utterly stunned to discover that his new dentist was a black woman with a West Indian accent. I could quite easily cause more pain than necessary while he is in the chair, but only an unprofessional and petty-minded fool would do such a thing. So I just do my job.

Besides, he's such a little crybaby that the procedures seem painful enough as it is.
(frankspencer, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 10:03, Reply)

Hat-Trick Repost...
Can't be arsed rewriting it

I'd just like to say once more: Bastard. That said though, it hasn't instilled me with mortal fear where that sort of thing is concerned - just got caught out by a total twat is all.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 9:01, Reply)

Crunch crunch
So it's eight years ago, I'm 22, I haven't been to the dentist in nearly a decade, and I've got to have a wisdom tooth out - it got stuck as it was growing out, a bit of food got caught underneath it and it slowly hollowed out.

The dentist took OVER AN HOUR to extract one tooth. Gave me four times the usual amount of anaesthetic (and refused me more). After twenty minutes, having been tugging with one foot braced on the chair for more force, she looks at the x-ray again and sees that the tooth has three roots instead of the usual two, and they're impacted. So they decide to crush it into small pieces with pliers and pick the bits out instead. My skull resounded with the cracking noises as they went at it.

I slipped in and out of focus a bit at that point, but I distinctly recall a piece of tooth flying up and hitting the assistant's safety specs. Still, at least it was free, as I was still a scummy student at the time...

First post - be gentler than the dentist was!
(mr_flay, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 2:34, Reply)

I'd nearly wrapped up my 4 years...
and was due to begin Terminal Leave from the US Navy in a few days. 'Twas the formality then, to experience the joy called "Final Dental" in which the new Dentist, a fresh-out-of-OCS Ensign, would poke and prod and ask why you avoided the services of the Dentists that preceeded him.

This ghit, who quite probabaly couldn't even spell "sea duty" proceeded to grill me about my tour of duty.

"mrphlegurphal burganurble megurglenanurphul", was about the extent of my part of the discussion.

"So why are they kicking you out of the Navy then?" the En-swine asked.

"That's what they do to people who aren't gullible enough to re-up."

Damned butter-bar exemplified everything that was wrong with the Navy back then - and I understand it's only gotten worse.
(thanatos, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 23:31, Reply)

My dentist
My dentist is a biscuit tin. Sometimes when I need to see him, I march into my kitchen and knock three times on the biscuit-tin lid and wait for the response. "Yes?" I hear back after a short pause.

"I'd like to make an appointment mr biscuit-tin dentist" I politely reply.
Now, some of you may know, in my kitchen the biscuit tin is situated next to the toaster. This is a fun little fact I like to mention from time to time but it is irrelevent here.

So once my appointment has been made, I write out a little slip and post it gently inside the tin and take a seat in the waiting room, which doubles as my wardrobe.

After sitting hunched up in my wardrobe for 20 minutes, I crawl out and impatiently trot downstairs and march back into my kitchen to angrily confront the biscuit tin about the length of my wait. "I've been in your crappy waiting room for twenty pissing minutes, when can I expect to see the dentist". No reply.

This is unaccaptable so I make my mind up there and then and decide to go to another dentists. A BETTER dentists. "yeah a BETTER fucking dentist" I shout right into the biscuit tin, opening the lid and screaming inside so my anger vibrates inside of it.

Now, I'm a bit screwed here as the next nearest dentist is my bog brush which is upstairs in the bathroom. I think long and hard about this and eventually decide I can't be arsed so I admit defeat and go and sit back down in the waiting room. It is only on the way to the waiting room that I realise I have passed the other dentists on the way.

"Oh well" I thought "maybe next time...... maybe next time.............."
(Andrew Avetoom, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 19:49, Reply)

"...when I read some of your posts, I imagine a hunched man in his 40s in a nicotine-stained garret room, brown jumper, sex-offender greasy combover, fwapping frantically over his grim attempts at erotic writing while wondering what a real girl feels like."


...Some mothers do 'ave em....
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 6 Nov 2006, 18:38, Reply)

self-inflicted damage
On my first visit to my current dentist he commented that I had perfect teeth, except for the damage that I had caused myself. Two instances come to mind:

1) When I was about 7-8 years old, I was learning to ride my first full-sized bicycle. I was going full speed down my street and, still learning, did not slow down when I tried to turn. I managed to stay up and make a big, sweeping turn until the front wheel of my bike slammed squarely into a boulder on the side of the road. I was thrown over the handlebars about 25 meters down a hill (luckily flying right between two thorny trees). I hit the ground hands first and then jaw, tearing my lower lip from my jaw and messing up my bottom teeth. I was taken to the hospital and my childhood dentist was called at 11 pm to come fix my teeth/jaw. Unfortunately, before he could do any work or apply any anaesthetic, I had to clean out the wound... with salt water. Then they used this huge needle (about the size of my forearm back then) to pump my lip full of anaesthetic and when I woke I was in a full-jaw cast (yea! milkshakes for every meal) for about a month. All good now, although you can still see the stitch marks on my gums where they sewed my lip back onto my jaw.

2) About 5 years later, I was jumping on a trampoline with 2-3 friends and landed with my jaw squarely on top of a friend's head. Split all four of my front teeth right down the middle. My dentist at the time fixed them, but one of the crowns failed and I had to have a root canal about 6 years ago.

Despite all of my efforts (and thanks to some awesome dentists), my teeth are generally straight and normal looking.

Length? Try 25 meters, face-first.
( kingoffools, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 18:27, Reply)

wisdom teeth
I had one of my top wisdom teeth removed at the dentist under a local ansthetic, my dentist is a woman and the nurse a younger girl, I was awake throughout the whole thing.. she put this hook behind the tooth and then placed her knee on my chest... the nurse held my forehead... she then used these pliers to yank the bugger out, it came cleanly after a few minutes huffing and puffing, grunts and groans a plenty..luckily it was a fairly painless experience!! my dentist climbed off of my chest and I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of relief I said to my dentist "I feel like ive just a had a baby!!!" she looked at me as if to say "...you have no idea..."
(Chris is Great !!!!, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 18:08, Reply)