dismal dismal failure
i am a failure, and i often fail to recognise this. but when i think about it I realise that the biggest thing i've failed at so far is life. i'll start anywhere, as i've already failed at identifying where it all went wrong.
I failed to notice that my foreskin was attached to my bell end until i started masturbating aged 11 and a bit of it came away from the head making me think i had i hole in my penis. I went to the doctor, failing to get there on time, and then he pulled the rest away leaving me with a normal penis. I failed to resist crying from the pain. I failed to thank him, and when i got home i once again failed to ejaculate for the first time. I was in the bath at the time, failing to realise that 'stroking' your penis really meant tugging the hell out of it, and when after much stroking i thought the moment had come, a long stream of piss jetted upwards and onto my neck, i failed to find this funny.

when i eventually managed to ejaculate some time later on that year, i failed to realise it was sperm, assuming from all the diagrams that it would be black, and so went downstairs, probably stumbling a bit as i often failed at moving myself around successfully, and asked my dad if what had just come out of me was the right stuff. he failed to keep a straight face and told me yes it was sperm and to stop playing with myself. I failed to stop playing with myself. years on, at 28, i fail to stop playing with myself every morning of my life (which i'm failing at), which means i always fail to get out of bed on time, even though i've failed at having a time to get out of bed by, for i have failed to find a new job since failing at my last job, which involved packing pig livers in an abbatoir. They sacked me because i was a 'useless waste of space'.

another failure - I failed to notice that my grandmother had a cock until I lifted up her dress at the viewing before her funeral. I failed to bother telling anyone this until now, so here, today, I have perhaps succeeded at this. Perhaps this will give me enough hope that I won't attempt suicide today, which I probably would have failed to get aronud to anyway. Even if I did, i'd fail, so I suppose I won't ever bother. Shit, another success: failing to fail at failing suicide.

today feels like a minor triumph over many years of hell. thanks b3ta.

The only thing i haven't failed at yet is suicide
(bossypops, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:14, Reply)

Well...
once i tried to post a funny message on a qotw...
(alwyn Professional Whittler since:, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:14, Reply)

Failed a Job interview
Struggling for this QOTW, largely because - as a child of the piss easy exam generation, overly supportive standards ("It's not that you've failed, you just haven't passed!") and not started to learn to drive - I technically haven't failed anything.

So how about a Job interview story.

Being an IT graduate, we were told by our Careers Advice Staff there was a holy grail of companies that you could work for. These companies every IT graduate should apply for, as the rewards and benefits for working for them were astronomical. After realising that my shoddy A Level results would result in an instant binning of my CV, I was whittled down to 4 companies. 3 I got instant rejections from, one (a famous software manufacturer with a Philantropist as it's CEO) wanted to pursue me further.

I was told I'd recieve a telephone interview, and I did. I got through that stage, and went to a face to face interview in Manchester, as well as an aptitude test.

The aptitude test came and went, and I went for the face to face interview. It was peculiar, but quite nice. They recorded the interview so I had a test run to begin with, at which I could tell them my answer without judging me. "Yes!" they said for one of the answers, "this will be fine for the interview!". I had my doubts ("Question: When have you influenced a group?" "Answer was well thought out, but it was about when I was at a party, so not the ideal business setting they wanted").

At this point I should inform you that the company itself wasn't doing the interviews, but a recruitment agency. They believed in having a personal approach to their interviews, treating every single person as a human being, rather than an applicant.

Anyway, after a month or so of phone calls (I really wanted to work for this company), I was told I'd hear on March 3rd, which was the day before my 22nd Birdthday, via email.

This was the e-mail I received (CFB).



Needless to say, I didn't have a very good birthday. March 3rd was a Friday, and the timestamp was 5pm. I could ring and complain, but they thought if I had a weekend of drunken nights out (which I did), I wouldn't be so angry at them on Monday morning.

Wrong.

9am Monday morning, I rang the agency, wanting an explanation for the e-mail. She gave a pitiful excuse ("It's company policy etc.") and said that I was "just not good enough, especially after the question revolving around the party". I said that a few weeks ago you thought it was okay, and I could've changed it (I think I got the same woman who conducted the interview). She did something that was very professional, and hung up.

Still angry, I e-mailed the company I was going to work for. They said they would investigate the matter. I forwarded the e-mail on, and - 3 weeks later - got a letter back from said company with around £500 worth of their software.

Unfortuantely, by that time, I switched to my Apple Mac.

Length? Well, average. You did want it to be personal though.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:09, Reply)

Years ago...
...during my A-level exams. I'd taken History, Economics and Politics (cue my Physics teacher: "All the essay subjects then *scoff*!"). I bagged an A grade for my History coursework, but this was only 40% of the mark, the rest being exams. A bad worker blames the tools, but the good teacher took the coursework bit and the bad one took the other stuff.

Throughout two the first three-hour exam, I wrote precisely four lines. The teacher, who wasn't supposed to look at the papers after they were collected, came to find me after the exam, asking what on earth I thought I was playing at. I told her the truth - that I hadn't been interested in any of the two-year course and didn't know what to write.

She told me to buck my ideas up (there was a second exam; I wrote a bit more) and then walked off. I can't be sure but she may have been crying a little. She never spoke to me again, despite many opportunities.

That'll be a fail then.

/stupidity admission
(Good old boy just like yer grandma!, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:06, Reply)

"What the feck did you do that for"
I asked the examiner in rather over excited tones as he applied the dual controls whilst I pulled out onto a main road during my driving test. At that exact moment an HGV the size of a football stadium roared past the bonnet.

I think that this, coupled with an alarmingly expansive 10 minute sign language motion to a coffin dodger looking to cross a road at the start of the unpleasantness, kind of sealed my fate.

Never did thank him for saving my life although he did pass me several months later. Goodness knows why though as he again applied the dual controls at a zebra crossing.

Maybe allowing him to have sex with my sister who was asleep in the back seat at the time helped.
(Compulsive1 Hello is that the Police ?, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:01, Reply)

Failed before I even started it!
A big hairy 'fuck off you cnuts' to certain teaching staff at a certain comprehensive school in Bromsgrove. The North one.

Although I, with others at the time, were quite shit hot at computers and programming (we had BBC's and Acorn A3000's, with a couple of 486 PC's that you could LOOK at, but NOT touch).

Certain staff in charge of the computer network there decided I could not, under any circumstances, do the Computer Studies course, as it was their perception that I would fail the course miserably.

Strangely enough I now work in IT management for a big fuck off company.

Utter, utter, twunts.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Wrong idea
I've just read my last post and realised I may of come across as a bit of a failure.

I'm not really!
( girlinthehole, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:56, Reply)

Pre-Emptive Failure.
I'll not be appearing on the "Best Of" page for this QOTW - And I will Also fail to achieve my current goal.

I'll Explain.

My "board Signature" has been changed in an attempt to stop the inevitably repetitive and mind-crushingly boring nature of this week's Answers: "I failed my driving test because..."

But... you *will* post more Driving test Answers (infact, the most common and most boring ones will be preceeded with "prolly bin done", thus proving your lack of wit, and ability to read), Ergo I shall fail. or... by next friday, I will have failed.

Also, being that you'll find this answer to be annoying (as I appear to be calling 70% of the posters repetitive boring tossers) you won't hit "I like this"

Massive Failure is on the cards.. but I accept things fast, and bounce.... So...... *sigh*

I'm SO looking forward to reading more about your wonderful driving crapulence. Please - I'm all ears - What exactly did you do wrong on your first two tests?... *See this face? This is my 'listening' face*... oh yes.. the examiner WAS an utter bastard... *
.

EDIT: No really.. Please, in the name of nice bouncy boobies will you STOP?? I usually look forward to the friday afternoon's entertainment as i read all the fresh answers, but today i've taken to slamming my fingers in a drawer to take my mind of the cringingly embarassing repetitiveness.
.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:48, Reply)

Read 'em and weep
Four As at A level
A first class BA
A distinction in my MA

... and I've acheived precisely nothing in life. I'm poor and live in rented accommodation with illegal immigrants. The highlight of my day is sending smut to b3ta.

Never was failure so glorious.
(frankspencer, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Correction
Frankspencer has corrected me as for whom he writes (!)

My most recent failures have been:

1. Failing to appreciate just how much I can (or not) drink
2. Failing to account for the quirkiness of Microsoft Updates
3. Failing to understand that 1 and undoing 2 are not mutually compatible
4. Failing to remember that when at 50 mph in a car and the road curves, it's often best to stay on the road

Size - Oh yes, it so very much is
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Probably had myself to blame.......
but I was still rather pissed off at failing my ACCA exam by 2%.....a week before Christmas...especially annoyed as I didnt really want to do it in the first place and crammed in the revision, through the paint fumes, just days before.

The good side of it is that, what with being so free from all things Accountancy, had a massive bender over the festive period.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:45, Reply)

Only last summer... the memory is still raw
Driving test, second attempt.

Chingford test centre.

Now, for those of you who are (mercifully) unfamiliar with Chingford, it's full of hills, idiot geriatric drivers and livestock wandering in the roads. It's a SHIT place to do a driving test. Not least because of the car park.

Ahh, the car park.

Tiny, on a huge slope, with diagonal bays pointing the wrong way. One of the reverse moves on nearly every Chingford test is to pull right and then reverse into one of those bays. Whilst avoiding hitting all the other terrified mooks on their driving tests. I still feel vaguely sick thinking about it.

Right at the start of my test, my particular Hi-Visibility clad Nazi told me to pull forward to the right. Beads of sweat break out on my upper lip. I KNOW what he's going to make me do. Forward I drive, taking a sharp right and pulling to a halt.

"Now, I'd like you to reverse into a bay. Any bay..."(insert false jocularity)"..although preferably not one with a car in it already."

My heart is pounding. To compound my terror, it starts to rain. Heavily. I check my blind spots, and start to reverse slowly. I suddenly realise I can't remember the reference points my instructor told me about when doing this. Sweat trickles down my nose. I turn the wheel. Left. Fucksocks! No. Luckily, I remember in time, and turn sharply to the right, stopping turning and straightening the wheels at a random point.

The car is going back slowly, revving gently. I realise that this is the first time I've managed to control the clutch here and not stalled, catapulting the car forward. I exhale, and glance in my wing mirrors. In each mirror, there is the white lines of the bay. Perfectly spaced, perfectly straight. Angels sing. My heart bursts with joy. I'm going in, and I'm going in straight. I'm going to do it! The rest of the test will be a piece of piss after this!

Only... I forgot the key point of bay parking. Like, actually parking the fucker. My reverie was shattered by the crunch of Vauxhall Corsa hitting the back wall of the test centre car park.

Tester: (deadpan) "I'll have to stop you there."

I passed on my fourth attempt.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:44, Reply)

i failed my first attempt at driving tests
by forgetting how not to stall the engine ;-)

7 stalls on a single three point turn was perhaps a touch excessive..

nailed it the second time though \o/
( bluemeat has been best of all the animals since, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Should have been a failure
"Just pull in to the side of the road". Ok. Bump Bump. Two wheels up onto the pavement, then off again, coming to a stop “fairly” near the curb. Still went through with the rest of the test, it was actually nice and relaxing knowing I'd failed.

At the end of the test I got “Mr Nowhere, I’m please to tell you you’ve passed”. Ok, well I wasn’t going to argue but was something going on here?

Earlier, while sat in the waiting room with the other victims and all our driving instructors, the examiners entered and greeted each learner with a curt “Morning Mr Soandso I shall be your examiner today”. When it got to my turn tho they ignored me and addressed my instructor with: “Awright Dave! He one of your’s then?” Turned out he’d worked there until about a year before and was still drinking buddies with them. Had wondered why he was so keen that I ask for a test at that particular centre.

Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Oh, and as far as failure goes, does failing to be interesting or amusing count? Guilty again.
(middleofnowhere, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:32, Reply)

Hmm
A QOTW wouldn't be a QOTW without a witty entry by frankspencer - Does he write Mills and Boon ???

Anyhoo

I was forced into doing Art at GCSE because I was banned from Chemistry - something about setting fire to the desks, fellow pupils, teacher and the lab.....

I digress.

I hated Art and the idiot teacher so I, over 2 years, tried my damndest to fail. First term I got a "G", the end of the year I scraped an "F" - when it came to the exam at the end of the 5th year (No idea what that is in new money) I tried my hardest to be crap.

And got an "E".

Fuck - What do you have to do to fail Art??

Size? Well, I've shown you, now you can feel it ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:28, Reply)

I failed my driving test for speeding!
Silly bitch I'll call Jackie (as that's her name) said I was doing 40 in a 30 limit.

Second attempt is soon.
(pubic_alopecia, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:21, Reply)

I failed.....
to get to the toilet before what I thought was going to be a fart, actually had more lumps in it than usual.
(the.gregster, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:19, Reply)

Blood Donor :o)
Here in Sweden, we have a lovely blood donor system... when you go, you get to have a t-shirt that litterally says "I'm great me" or "good boy" on it etc... It changes from year to year.

My Mother - bless her cotton socks - technically owes the UK bloodbank due to her countless opperations, but now due to her high dosage of Warferine (rat poison to combat blood clotting) she's unable to donate.

I decided to go and redress the balance next time the Swedish blood-bus turned up.

Like many people, I've had Chlamydia.... was is that that failed me? No.
I have, truth be told screwed a guy... not my thing, but mum said to try everything once. Was it that that rendered my blood unusable... No.
I used to smoke lots of weed. Living in Sweden's "Mr Mackey Drugs policy" state, you'd have thought that this would worry them (the think that you inject weed i rekon) ... but no. It wasn't that.
History of cancer in the family? no problem.

No.. the thing that caused them to refuse my rare blood-type, was the simple fact that I'd lived in the UK for more than 7 years, and subseqently had - at some point - eaten British Beef.

Not only Failed, but Didn't get the T-Shirt.

In thier eyes, I'm a ticking CJD Time-Bomb :o(
.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:08, Reply)

Failed an intelligence test
Came about 1 point short of getting into MENSA. Looking back, that's a good thing. MENSA only seems like a great idea when you're a geeky 14-year-old.

I think the thing which finally put me off ever trying again (apart from growing up) was a "MENSA Puzzle Book" which had the question (and what they claimed was the answer to) "How long is a piece of string?".

I failed to resist the temptation to throw the book in the bin.
( le brian, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:07, Reply)

been
told by my history teacher i would be lucky to get a c due to my lack of motivation towards learning the subject. i got one over her when i got my results i got an A overall in the course all with out revision i have never been so smug in all my life proving people wrong is so fun. o i should of read the question o i did fail my HIV test it was negative.
(branflakes, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:05, Reply)

Amourous Badger wants elaboration
Right then, Naval Officer selection.

As an unemployed graduate with a worthless 2:2 living back with my parents, I thought fuck it, join the navy. I contacted the recruitment office & they sent me for officer selection as I had a degree. At this point they were falling over themselves to get me to officer selection, couldnt be more pleasant & told me no matter what happened "I would enjoy the experience & find out a lot about myself".

The reality is 3 days in Portsmouth of tests, interviews & bridge building over water pits with a bunch of public school arseholes who seemed to speak their own language & were born into the officer class.

I have never been so humiliated, the interviews consisted of being told I wasnt very adventurous and that I hadnt really been to many countries. My arguement that I was only 21 & that I had worked my way through college & university held precisely FUCK ALL water & you could see that the assorted Naval Captains who interviewed me had written me off before I had even opened my mouth.

At the recruitment office, I had been shown a video to give me a taste of what it would be like for the 3 days of selection. At the end of the video one guy was told he had passed and another smiling but unsuccessful candidate was told "I'm very sorry, but this time you have not passed the Admiralty Interview Board..."

I was told "you've failed, please leave". I had tried my best, I really had. I had to walk past all the smiling glowing public school boys who had passed & were now hob nobbing with the officers. The naval ratings on the base no longer had to be nice as they knew I was a failed officer & were rude & abusive.

No jokes, no redemption. It's been 8 years & I still go cold when I think about the whole experience.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:05, Reply)

Kama Sutra Champion
I entered the 2005 World Kama Sutra Championships in Amsterdam. The rules were simple: enter the competition individually and be paired with a stunner of the opposite gender. Then engage in all of the prescribed positions. The winning couple is that in which the male does not shoot his load.

My partner was a dusky Latino babe with a figure to make the Pope whip out his schlong. Long black hair, captivating eyes, hips made for delivery and a chest that you'd want to lap honey from. In no time we were doing the Reverse Crab Cake and my tip was nuzzling her cervix via a channel of the most exquisite moist flesh.

The secret to winning is thinking about something more mundane. But as she settled on my roost for the Sweetcorn Triple Viper, I accidentally took in her perfect figure and felt her sliding on to my enraged member with full appreciation. Fortunately, thinking of Margaret Thatcher's face saved me that time ...

But all was lost when we went for the penultimate Hot Dog Wheelbarrow. The sight of her rounded rump athwart my jack-hammer turgidity, and her silken baps swinging like fruits on the vine , set in motion a orgsm that was measured by seismologists in San Francisco. I must have pumped a pint of jizz into her enclasping dell.

Naturally, I failed to win. But she took me home later to complete the full programme with the Pancake Fritter Splits. That one took a lot of kleenex to sort out.
(frankspencer, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:05, Reply)

Useless
I failed an exam I couldn't even revise for. How crap is that. I failed my criticial commentary paper in my 1st yr Mods at Oxford...I had a panic attack and just walked out after an hour. God, I hated that place. Don't know how I managed to pass my Finals. But I did get a Douglas! YAY!
(SpongyMonkey is an honorary East Anglian on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:57, Reply)

my grandma
failed her driving test 6 times.

on the 7th she got on a dual carriageway facing the wrong way. the examiner made her stop, drove her home and told her never to get in a car again!

she never did pass, strangely enough.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:50, Reply)

Driving!
II had 10 lessons having never driven before and passed my test first time.


Ha.

Wrote my car off a week later.
(menashem, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:42, Reply)

Another Exam story....
At the end of my second year at Uni I sat an exam for a lovely course titled Mathematical Methods and Applications to the Physical Processes. My attendance throughout the year wasn't the best and even when I was there I didn't really understand the "Mathematical Methods" part. My revision plan therefore was the old favourite of question spotting in previous years exam papers and just learning those.

25 minutes into the 3 hour exam and i'd done all I could. I did the usual totting up of possible marks to see what my chances of passing were. It turned out if I got all of the questions I'd answered right I would walk away with 19% - Not even close to the 40% pass mark.

I raised my hand for permission to leave. When the invigilator came over she rubbed salt in my wounds when she asked if I needed more paper. With over a dozen blank pages still in my answer booklet what I actually needed was a pint. When I got to the bar who should be there to greet me but my revision buddy Rob who with a surname in the first half of the alphabet had sat the same exam in the room opposite to my own. His early exit meant just one thing - We would be seeing each other 1 month earlier than planned for the resit. Good Times!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:38, Reply)

oral
In my Spanish oral exam, I had to persuade the examiner that she should take her mentally disabled son on an activity holiday, because it would be stimulating, blah blah.

I didn't actually know the proper Spanish term for 'mentally disabled'. So I tried to mime it instead. Using that internationally-recognised symbol for mongitude, the 'MNNNNNNNNNNNG' face.

I got an F.
(no way hose is staring unemployment in the face on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:38, Reply)

I just realised...
I won last weeks qotw, don't I get a tiara or something?

Apologies for failing to stick to this week's question. arf.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:37, Reply)