We did this one already right?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/fire_burny_ouch_ouch/post6515/
( Gnoll, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 17:25, Reply)

Apollo Vacuum
We will ignore the explosive weedkiller and sugar phase as a sixth former and move on to becomming a proud housowner. I decide to have the gas boiler serviced. The man came around gave it a serious look, then he took the cover off, vacuumed inside and left with shed loads of cash. Some years later.... I thought gas boiler probably needs a service again - I can do that. Take cover off and start vacuuming. My eyes start stinging and theres a funny smell. I turn around to see the vacuum cleaner ejecting massive amounts of smoke out of its exhaust - it resembles the shuttle taking off. In one adrenalin bursting move I have the plug out and I heave the whole smouldering vacuum out of the window and across the garden to the amazement of the neighbours. The vacuum hits the ground and breaks up shuttle style. The flaming dust bag rolling across the lawn into the plants.
I think some of the carbon in the boiler was still "glowing" and in the dust bag with a its perfect motor induced draught we had ignition. I managed to mend the cleaner with a bit of polyester resin - its condemmed to the garage as the smell of burning carpet fluff has never left it....
(dangerousdave, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 17:19, Reply)

B-movie goth on fire
When i was in college my friend was making a dodgy crow rip off b-movie which involved me having shit kicked out of me by everyone then a scene where i sit in a room of candles and raise the devil.. anyway i was leaning back and screaming for the camera when i realised the back of my shirt was on fire and i could see flames rising from behing me.. que me screaming louder and everyone else taking far too long to realise i wasnt acting anymore.. bastards.
(8cidburn, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 17:14, Reply)

treehouse, parrafin and car batteries
many moons ago when about 15 - me and me mates built a treehouse

we built it up for about 3 months and were proud of it 3 floors and 20 food drop still (seeing my mate break his pelvis when he fell out drunk) winter was coming, and we were sleeping in the tree (when we all lied to our parents and had good stories to cover us )
and someone brought an old parrafin heater, b/w tv and 12v car battery from a garden shed up - filled it up, set tv up lit heater

with us falling asleep drunk, we wake up to me brother screming FUCK FUCK - the base is on fire, leaving 6 kids stuck - fuck, treeclimbing is not my speciality,
while escaping, the car battery exploded bringing half the tree with it - leaving 3 out of 6 kids burnt and badly injures,

a year later we nearly did the damn same thing but in a tent
-
and on yearly events we would make little bonfires for halloween and use rockets as 'war missles' used to be us army vs the fucking brit bastards
( hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 17:13, Reply)

One of my less proud moments...
I was around 13 at the time and I had just acquired a job in a cheap shop, similiar to poundland but we sold nothing for £1. Anyway, one day some friends come in looking to buy some lighter fluid, which I sold to them on staff discount.
Later that evening we meet up in the local park and I see they're carrying the cans of lighter fluid. They were playing that old game of burning benches and anything else made of wood. I didn't use common sense when making friends as you can imagine.

Anyway, we come across a pigeon that appeared to dead. One of the group decided to prod it.. It wasn't dead, but it didn't have long on this world for certain.
A certain friend decided to speed up the process, squirting on the entire can of lighter fluid on the unlucky pigeon.. I don't think I have to tell you what he did next...

There is something deeply disturbing about seeing a burning pigeon freaking out, whilst at the same time setting fire to the surrounding shrubbery. We scarpered pretty fast, never taking a second to look bastard at the devastation.

I didn't hang around with them much after that.
( TN, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 17:01, Reply)

traumatically hilarious
My brother, who may well be reading this, was set on fire while dressed as a sheep. For a houseparty one year, he stuck cotton wool balls on a t shirt, a pair of shorts and on a little cap on his head. Have you ever seen a cotton wool ball catch fire? light one and see what happens. A friend of his thought it would be amusing to "singe" his coat, and he instead went up in a ovine fireball. I was downstairs at said party when someone shouted; "schnuff, your brother's on fire" which I took to mean in the fonz sense, rather than literally. Luckily through quick thinking he took his ouffit off and ran nude into the shower. His friend got second degree burns trying to put him out. Luckily, my brother was remarkably unscathed. The mental scars are probably still healing though.
(schnuff, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 16:36, Reply)

Someone's tried to kill me!
My parents went on holiday and left me home alone so I could take my last exam. The first night after they left I went out on a pub crawl, returning back to my homestead somewhat worse for the drink. Upon getting to the front door I noticed that all the lights were on which was odd as I left in broad daylight. “Shit I’ve been burgled” was my first thought, so I went looking around the house to see what had been taken but everything was in it’s place, although there was a strange smell. I switched out all the lights and went to my room, there were some strange black charcoal smudges on the outside of the door, when I opened it all I cold see was a black hole. My window had been smashed through, absolutely everything was covered in black soot. Walls, ceiling, bed, clothes in wardrobe, everything completely f***ed. My first reaction was remain calm, my second was to go into a blind panic, phone 999 for the police shouting down the line that someone had tried to kill me by firebombing my room. They took about two hours to arrive where they explained that a fire had started as a result of the TV in my room exploding.
The next day I went to my local where they said that my neighbour had phoned the pub looking for me. According to the landlord the conversation went like this:

Neighbour: Hi is Don there?

Landlord: No he’s just left.

Neighbour: That’s a shame as his house is burning down.

I was now a legend in my own local.

After my last exam I spent my next two weeks of freedom replacing the window, completely redecorating my room and trying to sort out the insurance.

My parents weren’t very pleased.
(Don Breakit, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 16:27, Reply)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghh!
* "Do the math(s)",
* "go figure",
* "we shall call him/her X, as that is his/her name",

Every time I see one of these phrases within a post, I just want to jump into my screen, travel through cyber-space, jump through your screen, shit on your face and set you on fire.

Stusut, save us...
(Sir Cunny Funt the Gibbonfiddler, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 16:27, Reply)

Not me, but...
...my brother and his mates at uni used to wake up one of their mates by several, shall we say, unorthodox methods, my favourite of which was filling an empty 2 litre coke bottle with deoderant, setting fire to it and throwing it onto his bed.

Fantastic.
(Pixel, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 16:26, Reply)

The police don't come here do they?
When I was about 16, myself and a friend went for a walk/crafty fag, in a neighbouring field.
Imagine our delight when we found and old VW van in said field, half full of straw.
Dry straw.
Dry straw and matches in pockets.
I'm sure you can do the maths. After lighting another cig, we eventually looked round to try to light our fire again, as we thought we were failing.
The whole bastard van was blazing.
We ran.
We ran like buggery.
Next day, I heard that the farmer had shat himself as half his field was ablaze.
I am sorry, Mr Farmer Man
( the wild elk Freeing excellence affects reality, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 16:21, Reply)

when i was younger
i liked the smell of burning matches. so i smelled one and burned the inside of my nose...
(hamstrungbarber chris, 1990, united kingdom, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 16:10, Reply)

Don't try this at home
My neighbour was having a BBQ and was having a bit of trouble to get the flames going. He had the bright idea of squirting liquid paraffin onto the BBQ - the flames shot up the stream of liquid and set his (very hairy) arm on fire. His arm ain't quite so hairy these days.
(Mad McMad, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 16:01, Reply)

A long time ago..
.. I used to smoke the weed.. well one night i was in bed with the tv on smoking a gigantic cone of doom, stuffed with grass and resin ... after a few tokes i was pretty much asleep, i awoke to a rather nasty burning smell, i thought maybe a blimp had fallen onto my duvet and gone out .. so i casually looked for the burn hole and realised half of my duvet had burnt to a crisp, and was still smouldering away .. oh how i laughed.
(TheAmazingMrMagical Live from the BBC, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 15:46, Reply)

The Dragon
I had a friend who's party piece was entitled, "The Dragon." For this you require:
1 Butane Lighter
1 Mouth
1 Mate of Little Brain
The idea is you take a mouthfull of the Butane from the lighter, then breathe it out over the (now lit) lighter. You get a small amount of fire coming from your mouth, hence the dragon.
Anyway, he hadn't done this for several months (having grown up since his days at uni) and was persuaded to do it one night. One thing had changed since the last time he'd done it:
He now had a beard.
I say had as the resulting flames from his lips caught his whiskers and left the pub with a delightful smell of burning hair and bruised ego.
The Dragon now sleeps, until the next evening Tequila is bought...
(James_Doc, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Quite topical really
When I was a kid, I used to love playing with fireworks, how I managed to grow out of the obcession with all four limbs and no scarring is a miracle. Once when I was about 14, I put a rather large rocket into a pipe and aimed it at some houses a few streets away. I lit it, stood back and whoooooossshhhh! Not only did the rocket fly off in the right direction but smashed straight through a window. Quickly I returned indoors and pretended to be engrossed in a TV show. A few minutes later I heard "nee-nar nee-nar" and the ringing of bells as fire engines had in those days. The next morning on my way to school I saw the house was gutted! Luckily nobody was at home, or even living in it as the new ocupants were due to move in that weekend. The local newspaper covered the story and put it down to a freak accident. What a little cunt I was back then.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 4 Nov 2005, 15:28, Reply)

Uni halls
Towards the end of my uni halls experience i came back from viewing flats to find my flatmates at the time lookin harrassed and a bit teary, smoke marks up the wall and one girl with broken arm/wrist.turns out one of them had been frying eggs but left the oil on for too long,naturally it caught fire. so quick thinkin flatmate no.1 attempts to use fire blanket but coz the cooker was electric and they hadn't turned it off (i assume this was the reason)she was flung back across the room and ended up with broken bone.next,flatmate2 ignores the appropriate extinguisher in the kitchen and rushes to the hallway and gets a water extinguisher!!needless to say this didn't work, cue much more flamage.fire alarm in the flat didn't work,eventually must have found one that did or somethin,can't really remember(too much drugs) was all ok, didn't have a cooker for weeks after tho, just a deep fat fryer.

also had a friend who once managed to set fire to the pasta she was cookin, i thought that was most impressive.
(fuck_a_duck, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 15:25, Reply)

Back to the future...
Not that funny to those not involved, but for a long period of time (pretty much the entire year 9 actually) biology was always fun... We had a teacher - lets call him tossface, because he was one - who was getting on a bit. The game was to run two lines of ethanol liquid down the length of the class room on the tiled floor without tossface noticing...The resultant effect was like when the car disappears in back to the future.

Whoever set fire to it would instantly gain kudos and adoration from the other classmembers (for about oooo five minutes...)

As the alcohol burns so quickly, (a matter of seconds) we only got caught once. When asked what the f*Ck was going on, the reply from the back of the class room was:

"I'm not 100% sure but i think its Aurora borealis miss"

Priceless.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 15:21, Reply)

Steve the monkey
You awoke to find yourself passed out? Was this some out-of-body experience? When you were asleep, did you dream you were awake, only to wake up and actually find yourself to be asleep?

Some awesome stories this week, I only wish I had one too.

Burnt the bit between my fingers on a fag once.

Shitbags.
(Sir Cunny Funt the Gibbonfiddler, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 15:06, Reply)

So my biology teacher tells me to turn on the gas tap
which I do
she spends a minute trying to light the busen burner, only I've turned on the wrong tap

WHOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

she had to sit down for a while after that

or the time I thought the gas cooker lighter was a lightsaber and set fire to s roll of kitchen roll, which then set fire to a cupboard

or the time I accidently covered my desk in an amyl compound and set fire to it

or the time I set off a rocket in the back garden, only for it to topple over and shoot through the catflap into the kitchen

or the time I refilled a zippo with white spirits and lit it only to discover my hand was also covered in white spirits

or the time I was juggling lit firelights and decided to try heading one

or the time I stoked up the fire with methylated spirits, creating a 5 foot jet of flame

or the time I lit the propellant from an aerosol can, pointing it at a window, creating a marvellous starburst pattern, I did it so much the window cracked

or the time I threw an "empty" lighter into the back of the fire, FWOOOOOOMM! pity, I liked that rug

or the time I discovered that potin could be ignited, unfortunatley I had already drunk a fair bit and my judgement was impaired was that point, ah well, I din't need that much hair anyway

I could go on, but you get the idea, I like fire, fire likes me
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 15:04, Reply)

1 Grandad. 3 seperate occasions...
1. Grandad decides to hold a bonfire in the garden for his two daughters and their friends... Said fire is an absolute monster and soon gets out of control and burns the trees above. It then spreads to shed and obliterates that too.

2. Grandad nails a Catherine Wheel to utility room door. Unfortunately he nails it down to hard and when he lights it it refuses to spin. It then burns the utility room door down.

3. Back in the olden days you used to be able to get a firework called something like Jumping Jack... For obvious reasons it was banned.... Grandad lights one and stands back, it proceeds to jump around the garden most impressively. Then it proceeds to jump towards the open kitchen door, through it and round the kitchen. Fortunately it doesn't burn the kitchen down!

He rocked!
( beefandcheese, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:57, Reply)

Warning
Never try to disect a party popper charge with a sharp knife (for instance, a Stanley Knife).
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:54, Reply)

Are you Neil Armstrong
Many years ago, I travelled Down South to a mate's party: I'd been at work at 6am, and all I'd had to eat all day was a bacon sarnie at about 8am. Drinking a bottle of neat Pernod on arrival, coupled with several pints of Guinness probably wasn't the smartest of moves.

I awoke to find myself passed out in an armchair, confused because I didn't remember leaving the pub. I could see a group of mates sat around, with Post Its on their foreheads. Turned out that they were playing the guessing game - my own Post It evidently said "Mr Pissed".

I was discussing this with my mates a couple of years later, and we were laughing at how drunk I was.

"I must have been smashed, because I could swear that at one point I woke up and Ian's shirt was on fire. I must have been hallucinating really badly. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha".

"Erm, it was on fire. You weren't the only one who was pissed".
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:49, Reply)

The Flaming Pillow of Justice
I was very drunk. I had been at a student ball, and after leaving there in the early hours of the morning me and my housemate were about to sleep in the living room of another friends house, which was shared with 4 other random people I didnt know.

I was also very cold, having been jigging up and down in a field somewhere in dorset for the best part of 8 hours during winter. So I turned the old grandma style gas burning fireplace thingy in their house onto full whack and pushed the camp bed I was sleeping on as close as I could to it, while my mate crashed on the sofa.

I was woken up by my mate shaking me with the prophetic words "wayne, your pillows on fire" - I opened my eyes and sure enough, a nice lot of flames were licking around my head and had set fire to my excessively long hair. I leapt up, put my head out and then wondered what to do about the burning pillows and cushions. My mate decided that chucking them outside was a good bet, but in his rush to open the (old) front door it unfortunately came off its bottom hinge, beyond repair. We threw the burning items down the side of his house and went back to check the front room. It stank of burnt hair and foam, a pile of my singed hair lay on the floor and the mattress to the camp bed was nicely scorched.

We looked at each other, thought "fuck it" and hailed a cab to take us home. The miserable spunkmonkeys in the house failed to see the funny side when they woke up.
(wayner, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:45, Reply)

Pyromaniac Brother
Okay, who remembers the old calor gas fires? Well we used to have one near to the front door of our flat as you walked in, it was also where the stairs were to the flat and where we kept our bikes/junk. My brother used to be a right pyromaniac he was about 4 when this happened. One night he went down stairs to the lit fire and started poking bits of rolled up newspaper into the squares on the mesh gaurd. The newspaper must have caught fire and he came back up stairs and got into bed without saying a word thinking that he would probably be in big trouble.

Next minute i wake up and see smoke all around us in the room that i shared with my brother, i get out of bed and run into mum and dads room. MUM DAD THE HOUSE IS FULL OF SMOKE. Dad jumps out of bed sees where the smoke is coming from runs downstairs to see the left over newspaper at the foot of the fire ablaze half the carpet and a binbag full of clothes.

I don't remember a thing, mum reminded me of it a couple of years ago. Dad somehow put the fire out but apparently he was naked whilst doing so.

Mum says his pubes took a while to grow back.

Not that i needed to know that much detail about the story.
(mancminx, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:43, Reply)

Just remembered this one (also science-related)
When I started the second year of college, our A-level Physics class got a new teacher - a librarian-type fresh out of university, generally nervous and inexperienced, and she wasn't totally sure of what she was supposed to be teaching us. She often lost her temper because we hadn't learned something that wasn't going to be in the course for another six months. Practicals were even better - she'd give us some hideously convoluted experiment to do, and we'd ignore it completely and piss about with the apparatus instead. She didn't feel up to arguing with 14 hulking great lads, so she just let us get on with it.

Out of these experiments, the best one was where we had to construct an electromagnet and ferkle around with it in some way. Well, we made the electromagnets all right, but instead of doing whatever it was we were supposed to do, we made some of our own observations on what would happen if eg. you put 12 volts through it instead of 3, or if you just wound one coil of wire round the metal instead of fifty. It was certainly educational! That lesson was punctuated by miniature fires, the smell of burning plastic, clicks and clacks as we tripped all the fuses, and our teacher's wailing howls of frustration.

Frankly, that was as interesting as physics ever got.

PS: someone earlier reckoned fire was a chemical reaction - it's the by-product of reactions, not a reaction in itself. The reason fire doesn't burn in a vacuum is that there are no air molecules to be split by the energy released from a chemical reaction (this is where all the light and heat of fire comes from.) Apologies for pedantry etc.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:41, Reply)

Whoooooff!
We regularly had bonfires in our back garden in Nottingham, mainly to clear out all the old crappy in our landlords garage. One night, with a few extra freinds aroud, the fire got a little large. Suddenely the conifer near the blaze (not that near) suddenly went up in a collosal roaring whooooofff! We were then showered by smow like ash.
Everyone scattered and the neighbours had called the fire brigade. By the time we knew about that (sirens) the fire was out. They weren't best pleased.
I spent the 2 weeks with a borrowed saw and cutters destroying the remains of the tree and disposing of it. The landlord never noticed. Come to think of it he didn't even notice his garage was now completely clear of all junk.
(purple_iain, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Neighbours car
My neighbour is generally alright but can be a bit of a cunt when it comes to all night parties. They keep playing music loud outside by bedroom window till daylight and keeping me awake.

One night, i wake up to the smell of something burning, look at the alarm clock and see its 4am. Get up with the thought "fucking bastard, they've started bbq'ing at 4 in the morning, what a bunch of cunts."

Look out the window to see the neighbours car is completely ablaze. Think "hmm, neighbours car is on fire" and go back to bed. 10 seconds later when my brain wakes up, it "fucking shit, the neighbours car is on fucking fire, fuck fuck fuck".

Fire completely destroyed the car, good part of my neighbours kitchen, her dustbin and her neighbours roof. Oh and i got complimented by the fire crew on the coffee i made.

Me, swear, never :)
(loquis, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Back in the summer of '95
This takes me back,

Growing up in Dorset there wasn't a great deal to do aside from drinking the cheapest nastiest booze from the local costcutter and wandering aimlessly through fields :)

One evening had a couple of white strike ciders in the baking hot summer , wandered to the local pub and carried on with a few pints....

Bogs were crowded so I stumbled outside, had a puke then proceeded to piss into a hedge opposite the pub... flicked my fag but into it finished pissing and went back in..


Next thing I know the tinder dry hedge has gone up, burnt 20 ft of a garden fence and burnt the paint off 3 cars parked next to it.
The old dears who owned the property with the fence were standing in the road in slippers having heart attacks.

Gave up the hedges, still smoking though.
( WOLF .™, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:28, Reply)

Speciulll Effekts
Ah... my good old NUS days.
Area conference at a certain Surrey art uni type thing, we're all sat around having a skinful at the bar... loadsa arty projections on the walls in the 'club' bit of it all.

A few rounds later of goggleness we all find ourselves admiring the 'fire' effect projection for a good 5 minutes or so...

Fricking projector was projecting it's own internal combustion.

Never seen so many piss heads move so fast.
(Lemster the sound of one luma clamping, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 14:28, Reply)