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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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This question is now closed.

Anybody spitting within vomiting distance of me should not offended if I hurl all over them. It’s disgusting and you are not well ‘ard, you fuckwit. You’re just obviously missing quite a bit of cellular matter from that grey stuff inside your thick Neanderthal skull.
I hate spitting.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 0:56, 3 replies)
Ban teh ibternets

(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 23:00, Reply)
Common sense
Peel of the safety labels and let the problem resolve itself.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 22:50, Reply)
Anyone urinating
into a toilet bowl when other people at the residence are asleep should be made to aim for the sides to keep the noise down.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 22:47, 10 replies)
Ban computer ( and console) games and force kids outside
Its all high def and in 3d... So stop moaning about the drizzle and have a run around...
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 22:41, Reply)
Make F1
more like Wacky Races; complete with smoke screens, oil slicks and tacks.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:45, 5 replies)
One of my first memories was either Bruce or Prince sticking their snouts against the bars of my cot.

I grew up in a household that included dogs. Trained, well behaved, contented dogs. My parents both had dogs when they met.

Whenever it's been practical since I've had at least one dog. Currently I have two and that's because I can fit my working hours around them, and have two people who can look after them when I'm not available.

And that's my point. Dogs are pack animals. They have been successfully domesticated over four thousand years or so and can live alongside people but under certain conditions, which are seldom understood.

1 - A dog needs it's owner to be in charge. This is it's pack conditioning.
2 - A dog will respond to verbal commands. It will react against physical punishment because it's hard-wiring doesn't understand that.
3 - A dog is not conditioned to sit at home patiently from 9-5 waiting for it's pack (qv) to come back to it.
4 - A dog is conditioned and built for exercise according to breed. A whippet needs a quick sprint, a retriever needs a good run every day.
5 - A dog does not understand English, no matter how often you tell it.

There are lots and lots more. If you're going to own a dog, understand how it thinks, what it needs and what it wants and you and the dog will live happily ever after.

Sadly, most dog owners don't. I don't give a shite about people riding their bikes, or the x-factor. I love dogs and it breaks my fucking heart to see so many miserable dogs out there.

The fix - it's hard to say it, but a dog cull. We've already got to the point where the domestic cat overlaps into feral (I own cats as well) but we have too many dogs in this country. Too many fall into the hands of idiots who fail to understand the need of neutering, then we get far too many more.

Dog lover advocates dog cull, if you wish to summarise this post. Coupled to a reintroduction of the dog license but set at an appropriate amount.

If you want me to justify this - miserable, ill-treated dog or no dog? Which is happier?

Edit - because I feel that I need to add a little. I was a volunteer at the local Dogs Trust for a few years and I still support them. We got dogs back, over and over again, that were beyond homing. They'll never put a healthy dog down, and that is commendable, but if the dog is fit and terrified of human company - is that commendable?
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:03, 14 replies)
I'd publicly flog
anyone who claims that 'driving is a privilege and not a right'.

Man made cars, and man made roads, therefore man has a fucking right to drive cars on roads.

Privilege: : a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favour.

If it's a privilege who's granting the benefit or favour then? Fucking aliens?
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:51, 23 replies)
Insurance companies
Back story first and then my fix.
My motorbike was ran over recently by some one who claimed that their reversing beacons failed to detect the bike that was parked carefully out of the way! The insurance are probably going to just write it off, leaving me out of pocket for all of the hours spent customising and polishing bits of my bike to make it unique and amazing.

My plan to fix this. People who have stupid accidents will be forced to walk everywhere for five years following any accident that they caused! No lifts from friends, no bus travel and no ambulance if they get ran over. On extra cold and rainy days, they are to take the long way and can be redirected by Police to go further, if they look too smug and warm!

Insurance policies will pay out for what was damaged, no writing it off because it is expensive. Yes, it was expensive, that is why it took me five years to save up for it in the first place! If an accident causes damage, then it is repaired, even if it costs more than the vehicle is worth. The vehicle was fine and safe to drive before, so it shall be returned fine and safe to drive after. If totally destroyed, it shall be replaced with a similar new model with the same modifications if required.

If you are a repeat offender, you will be forced to wear lead weights on your ankles when trudging through the winter. This is to remind you that driving your car is a privilege and not a right! This is to stop people being shitcunts when driving/riding a motor vehicle. Also, the innocent party shall be able to pelt the criminal with rotten fruit at any time of the day and night.

This system would work well for cyclists too, if you ride like a twunt, you will be treated like a twunt! Walk the five miles to work, you cow rectum!
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:43, 8 replies)
Queer southern types
who frown at me for asking for gravy and chips will be forced to pay for my purchase and then sample the earthly delights for themselves, until gravy and chips becomes the de facto national dish.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:41, 12 replies)
I'd make it a capital crime to complain about petty shit like fonts, cyclists taking advantage of the fact that they can do stuff that cars can't, bus queues and people typing stuff like 'teh'.

(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:29, 7 replies)
Anybody using this as a 'witty' response will be:

In the first instance: banned from all internet boards
For a second offence: refused the right to vote in anything important
And for the third strike: shot.

And anybody responding to this post with TL;DR will be summarily shot for attempting to be clever. Go on... try it.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:20, 22 replies)
A massive information campaign to tell people
that Christmas was originally a pagan festival actually. Then no one will ever think it's clever to point this out.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:10, 3 replies)
When i`m god-emperor, thier will be changes...
Cyclists on the road, at the side of a cycle path..... execute- slowly, messily, and publicly.
Cyclists (again) riding thru red lights, not signalling a change of direction, riding two abrest..... execute, as above.
School girl single mums, getting housing, benefits, etc.
if your old enuf to have sex, accept the consequences. thiers plenty of couples who want kids, but for a variety of reasons, cant.hand over the sprog, nueter both underage parents, and use their national insurance to pay towards the kids new life, paid out before any benefits or tax.( in the unlikely event they get a job)
Ammend the damn human rights act, til it works!
Bennefit scroungers/ defrauders. Not sure how`ooh me bad back, i cant work` entitles you to fiddle thousands over many years. has anyone tried making a claim for benefits, recently??? basterds at the benefits office delay for weeks, for no apparant reason, all for a measly ammount of pennies,and the job centres are soul destroying pits of dispair.
Am off, now. jaws aching from grinding my teeth.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:06, 4 replies)
Respect needs to be learnt.
There is one thing that exemplifies what's gone wrong with our great country, it's how it's older citizens are treated. I've been perusing these annals with hot tears of rage streaming down my cheeks, reading how today's youngsters feel about their elders. It's as if those wartime weeks spent working my way through Normandy towns count for nothing. Was I spending my best years selling knock off Bully Beef to French refugees so that a man, probably called Daryl, could try a ram his BMW up my bottom on the A41? No!

I have a solution. Free Tasers for pensioners.

You want to push past me on the pavement do you? Well I'll have you doing the horizontal fox-trot and screaming for mummy me laddo, not so smart now are you?

And you, baby machine, tutting in the shopping queue while I try and enter my PIN number, how would you like a little lie down? And don't think I won't zap your brat, Kia-Ora, or whatever you've called it.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 14:00, 6 replies)
Introduce public transport patrols armed with cattle prods to enforce considerate behaviour
Not letting others off the train first...ZAP!
Standing on the left of the escalator...ZAP!
Not moving right inside the carriage...ZAP!
Not giving up your priority seat to a more deserving case...ZAP!
Playing music loudly on your phone...ZAAAAP!
Taking the aisle seat when the window seat is free, then tutting loudly and moving 0.0001mm when another passenger tries to get past you...ZAP!

And so on...
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 13:48, 5 replies)
Showbiz Honorary degrees to be banned
If no-one takes them seriously because it's known you didn't 'earn' it then it's pointless.

If people do take them seriously then it's unfair to hand one out to someone who hasn't put in the time and paid the tuition fees.

At the bare minimum if it's agreed that someone has an equivalent level of attainment through working experience instead of academic learning then anyone should be free to pay for and sit the exams to prove it, but under the title 'accredited degree'.

So 'Dr' Jeremy Clarkson would have to be better at engineering projects than his on-screen efforts to customise cars would suggest......
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 12:12, Reply)
B3ta board mis-posts
People who accidentally post the wrong type of message on the wrong type of B3ta board should be systematically executed.
This is obviously such a heinous crime that until now, anyone found guilty of such a crime is lambasted to oblivion and ridiculed by many, shall we say, B3ta-knobs who dwell on the boards.
These knobs will not tolerate any kind of misuse and will invariably post cutting remarks or even specially hand-crafted "knobages" (images made by, and used by knobs) to point out such an offence.
Normally one little knob will spot one of these misdemeanours and will post some kind of crude remark pointing out the honest mistake. Following that, the other board-dwelling knob-sheep will also jump on the knob-wagon and get little erections whilst also posting their witless yet offensive drivel/images.
It's time these board-knobs stopped having to do this, their time is obviously precious; execution for offenders is the only answer.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 10:16, 14 replies)
Make Jeremy Clarkson prime minister
He'd sort things out
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 9:03, Reply)
'My Bad'
Anyone who says 'My Bad' should take 'Their Bad' and shove it up their holes.
Also, 'they're, there, their' and 'your, you're', for fucks sake get it write!
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 8:42, 12 replies)
Pay and Display Car Parks
Make it illegal for councils to charge 80p for parking (because this requires a minimum of three coins, increasing the chances of you sticking a Quid in and contributing a "No Change Given" bonus to the Traffic Wardens Christmas Piss Up).
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 7:22, 3 replies)
Abolish jobs.
Politicians of every shade hail "job creation" as the Holy sodding Grail.
Well, I don't know about you, but I've had a number of jobs.
And every slow-burning second of every single one of them was like being dragged slowly over hot coals with a hook through my knackers.
I spend my off-hours smoking, drinking, eating grossly unhealthy food and doing zero exercise in the hope that I get heart disease or cancer or something.
Because that'd be preferable to having to get up in the morning and go to fucking work. And I've got a job thousands of keen young people'd cut their arm off for.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 2:43, 3 replies)
All politians will use the NHS and public transport
I dont want to see any of this private health care bollocks
or being driven to work by someone else.

If youre going to precide over the NHS and public transport
you can use it. Then when you fuck it up (even more) its on you too.

Can you even imagine David Cameron waiting 6 hours in A&E with his little un ?
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 1:22, 10 replies)
Use of
Comic Sans to be made illegal. Hefty fines for anyone using it as part of their business or corporate identity.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 23:37, 3 replies)
12 Hours In A Day
Instead of 24.
So we keep the same clocks, but only count 12 hours in a day.

So, getting up 'really early' at '5' in the new system is really getting up at 10 as in the current system. Yeah!

Staying on at work an extra hour till '7' means really only staying till 2pm as in the current system. Yeah! Magic!

And, erm, all clocks to be shut off at weekends.

Yours sincerely,
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 23:16, 1 reply)
Am I the only one who read 'Brave New World' and thought it sounded like a good idea?

(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 22:30, 5 replies)

A Gattaca-style genetic test would be perfect,but solely honed to eradicate potential Big Brother candidates,"Hello" magazine favoured show-off flouncy bastards,those ridiculous "celebrities" who litter almost all the other magazines-"JORDAN moans about her tits/husband/ex husband/whatever"...And this test would also be programmed to reward good manners,selflessness,and general NICENESS to others with a super-duper NEW gene that gives you a big willy at the age of 18.Therefore everyone will aspire to being well mannered,selfless and nice and hung like a Czech porn star.Except girls,of course.I don´t suppose they´d want to be gifted with bucket-size chuffs.Oh well,back to the drawing board,but I think I could DEFINITELY get this working somehow....
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 22:09, Reply)
A mandate for the future.
To the citizens of the United States of America: in the light of your failure to competently govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up ‘aluminium’ and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter U will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

Learn that ‘yoghurt’ has the letter H in it.

You will end your love affair with the letter Z (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’.

You will learn that the suffix ‘-burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’. Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘uh’, ‘like’, and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up ‘interspersed’.

There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as ‘US English’. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of ‘-ize’.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

Whilst we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is ‘Devon’ If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as ‘Men Behaving Badly’ or ‘Red Dwarf’ will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, ‘God Save The Queen’, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American ‘football’. There are other types of football such as Rugby, Association, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. What you refer to as American ‘football’ is not a very good game.

Initially, it would be best if you played Association Football with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to ‘American football’, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2012.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called ‘rounders’, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called ‘Indecisive Day’.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will convert to metric measurements with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. They aren't even French: they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called ‘crisps’. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts: this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling ‘beer’ is not actually beer at all: it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as ‘beer’, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as ‘lager’. The substances formerly known as ‘American beer’ will henceforth be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’ with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as ‘Weak Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic; the existence of which 97.85% of you are unaware of) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or ‘gasoline’ as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon – get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 20:31, 22 replies)
smoking, its a luxury not a human right.
So why do they sell fags in packs of ten? My view is that buying packs of ten, you are a student or in some other low income bracket so ciggies should not be on your shopping list any more than caviar is in mine. So ban packs of 10 so people on benefits etc are priced out of the market. The savings to the NHS alone would offset the tax lost through sales. Simples!
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 19:54, 15 replies)

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