Dancing
Dancing can fuck right off, I've no idea what's good or whats bad. Actualy dancing for an extended period of time is boring and I'm stick of people getting stiffys over street dance. It's just fucking moving to music, so fuck off.
(Mong goose, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 18:20, 5 replies)

Anyone who claims that Avatar is just Pocahontas will be given free film passes
until they've seen more than twelve fucking films.

If they like Lord of the Rings, then they'll have to talk about it to someone who will condescendingly describe it as a ripoff of Wagner's Ring Cycle. Star Wars fans will have the option of hearing all about The Hidden Fortress.

If that doesn't work then they have to explain their theories to Brian Blessed, who will then bellow "AND WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 16:38, 8 replies)

oh, and all proposals for hollywood remakes/'reboots'/'re-imaginings' of old films
to be put through a rigorous grilling as to why it should be made, what artistic merit it has,and if it cant be justified under any other reason beyond 'we at the studios have shit for brains and contempt for the audience' then it doesnt go ahead.
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 15:18, 10 replies)

all the losing contestants in x-factor, big brother, and any other similar reality 'talent' shows to be executed.
painfully, messily and publically. lets see how desperate you are to be a z-lister now, you dull twats.

shotgun equipped guards at all underground platforms, train stations and bus stops across the capital. anyone trying to get on the tube/train/bus **before** all the people getting off have left the doorway to be shot. the same for cyclists who blithely sail straight through red lights. we might have a bit of civility on the london transport network then.

anyone who's voluntarily and unironically bought an EDL t-shirt to be neutered. same for anyone who wants to appear on jeremy kyle. and jeremy kyle himself to be neutered, the hateful bile filled c**t.

I think that would be a nice start.
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 15:14, 2 replies)

Many that live deserve death.
And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 15:06, 7 replies)

Force retailers to round up all prices
Why does everything I buy have to end with 99p? All this results in is a wallet full of small change that I can't actually use until I have acquired a metric ton of the stuff that I have no desire to carry about with me until needed. Force all retailers to round up prices to the nearest appropriate value - items under 15p can be left alone with their odd (but understandable) prices, anything up to £2.50 gets rounded to the nearest 10p, up to £10 to the nearest 50p, and above that to the nearest £1.

Incidentally, as a part cure for those similarly inflicted with irritating small change - instead of spending hours yourself or losing whatever fee the counting machines skim off the top I have a solution - self service checkouts. Every time you go to pay, before feeding it a crisp £10 note or inserting your card, dump in a handful of useless change, which it then counts for you and deducts from your total - so instead of having a pocketful of change and spending £8.24 on your card, you get to both empty your pocket of 17p in copper, and reduce the charge to £8.07 (feel free to substitute for appropriate values). If you feed it notes you still will get some change back, but it should at least be of a lesser amount than all your previous change + new coins.
(442, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 14:24, 15 replies)

It's simple.
When "test subjects" on the Jeremy Kyle show are done, have them neutered/dissolved in a big vat of acid. This way, the gene pool will be cleaner, thus meaning shows like JK are canceled, and we can get back to putting on shows people give two shits about, and don't creep us out.
( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 13:05, 8 replies)

Two birds, one stone
Get the hungry to eat the homeless.
(LongJohnBaldry, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 12:43, 3 replies)

So many things....
I think that I would start (mainly cause it was the first to pop into my head)with removing any legislation that is designed to protect people from themselves. No-one needs that shit, if you're stupid enough to do something that will get you hurt, then deal with the consequences. No compensation pay out either, only ridicule.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 12:39, 2 replies)

Have a sensible approach to "average people".
I don't fit in bus seats designed for "average people", because my legs are too long. I can't use ATMs positioned for "average people" because the screen is level with my waist (and the ones that are positioned for people in wheelchairs I need to sit on the ground to use).

Also, anyone who thinks Body Mass Index is a useful indicator of anything and who reckons 6' tall and 17 stone is overweight can try carrying a 30' scaffolding pole up a 24-storey building.
(gordonjcp, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 12:13, 9 replies)

here goes...
1: Weigh people 'and' their luggage at the check-in desk at the airport, pay £ per kilo per mile.

2: Vertical cattle grids at fast food outlets, can't fit through? = no food.
(actually the scales at the counter would work here too, you weigh 12St you can have a big mac, you weigh 20St, salad it is.

This isn't a go at fat people personally, I just think that point 1, would make it fairer for lighter people and point 1 and 2 would give them an incentive to lose a bit.

*edit, just noticed that point 2 has been mentioned, haven't read past page 1 yet so this whole post could have been a waste of typing!

**edit2, it's been mentioned, but kids on planes, get your own.

and holiday companies that say exclusively for adults, but fail to mention that other tour operators might not have the same policy, so you get to your destination (which incidently cost you 20% more) only to find fucking kids everywhere.
(Kip, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 11:40, 4 replies)

Rush.
Let me tell you about a new idea I had while waiting for a file of people to shuffle interminably down a disabled Underground travelator at 0.1mph the other day. I call it the, "IT'S RUSH HOUR, LET'S SEE SOME RUSHING" law. We may need a more marketable title before launch.

Firstly, every person in the country will be graded and sorted by their walking/crutching/wheelchairing speed and standard deviation from thereof. It sounds like a huge task but there are loads of CCTV cameras, I reckon we could just buy some Kinects from Game or something, plug them in to the surveillance system and do it with that way.

Once the database has been built, and left in a public place on a USB stick a few times for giggles, Phase Two will begin. Phase Two is when anybody whose travel speed is likely to dip below 3.5 miles per hour is BANNED from the pavements between the hours of 0830 to 0930 and 1700 to 1800. No exceptions. If they haven't reached their destination before the rushing sirens sound (which they won't have, because they walk too slow) they'll have to mill around in a shop or something repenting their lack of urgency. As a side effect, see, this law will help the struggling retail sector.

But the main benefit is that those of us who are efficient and have places to be will be able to get to them swiftly and with a minimum of fuss, and no more will the pavements of major cities resound to a chorus of tutting, "excuse me", and "IF YOU WEAVE THAT STUPID WHEELY LUGGAGE IN FRONT OF ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO HURL IT UNDER A BUS."
(Timberwolf, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 11:30, 1 reply)

Chavs and other anti social tw@ts
my manifesto is as follows:

all chavs to be herded into shipping containers and sent to the current war zone/s, given a bottle of white lighting cider (drink of the refined chav chavette) pointed towards the enemy and told that they said something 'orrible about their bf/gf/milf. sit back and watch the fireworks.

should take 3 days to sort it out and then drop as many nuclear missiles as possible on the little darlings.

set up machine gun posts on strategic street corners and soon as the local citizens here 'ere mate give us a fag or i'll knock ya out,' open fire with everything they've got( 50 cal, mortars,rpg's, and lets not forget the good old flame thrower).

yes they may be some innocent casualties but WTF are they doing talking to chavs in the first place.

and then after eliminating the chav threat we can all have a jolly good knees up and then march on parliament and demand that Mr 'nobody knows me' clegg and dave 'i'm so smarmy posh git' cameron are hung from the big ben, and that all b3ta's get free booze and fags for life plus a one off bonus payment of £200,000 just for a MASSIVE fucing party.

(length who gives a fuck)
(bonkersply writing shite since 1664, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 11:22, Reply)

LSD in the water supply
it might not be perfect, but hell, we'll all be too out of it to fight
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 11:22, 2 replies)

World Peace
We might not be able to stop fighting, but we can make it a lot easier to manage by moving Israel and Palestine into Northern Ireland.
(patrickthomson, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 11:20, 1 reply)

Long term unemployed/social lay abouts
We have an unexploted workforce here. They need to be harnessed. Some uses for them are:

Collecting the bins on the opposite days to the regular dustmen. Back to weekly collections. Yay! They can then spend the week the dustmen are working back at the recycling centre sorting the tins, glass and paper etc.

Generating power. Who need wind turbines? What we need is layabout turbines! A giant hamster wheel set up to a big dynamo where the unemployed can walk on to make it turn to create electricity. The added benefit of this is that it would get Britain fit and help reduce the obesity epedemic we are facing.

Personal shoppers. Instead of getting Tesco/Occado to deliver, get the workshy to go and collect! Do your standard shop online, select the "collect from store" option, pay (you have peace of mind knowing that money is kept secure). Five or six workshy should be enough to carry a big shop back home for you. No extra delivery vans causing pollution, less traffic, safer roads. Imagine the green clubcard points you could earn.

The only thing that might be hard is to incentivise these people, but i feel that if all TV and radio transmission was encrypted and you had to have a PIN to watch for limited amounts of time this could be the incentive they need. Pay them regular benefits, but also supply PIN cards for a few hours of viewing. They can watch all the TV they like with a little hard work! I goes without saying that no work means no benefits...

If Nick Cleggs wants to adopt any of these ideas then it might help the LidDems out a bit.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Sat 24 Sep 2011, 11:16, 2 replies)

So that (heterosexual) couples don't fight over what to watch on TV
I'd make a show about giant robot unicorns.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 10:13, Reply)

News readers who announce results with no warning will be subjected to public flogging
Ok so in the grand scheme of things knowing who won a match or a race or the latest series of "I was famous/want to be famous and am not above subjecting myself to utter humilation if it means people will at least remember who I am on ice brother talent UK" before watching it may not be the most important thing in the world. HOWEVER, seriously what was wrong with the old tried and tested method of "And if you don't want to know the scores look away now". That worked!

Here is the problem, nowadays most people have smart phones with the internet in their pocket and are obsessed with knowing what is going on at all times everywhere.

Oh thank GOD, Jimmy has just updated his facebook saying he has finally had a shit, it's been four days I was starting to worry for him!

OH NO that bloke that Roshcella fell in love with after spending an hour drunkenly fumbling in the back of the club has turned out to be a lion in a hat and has eaten her sister and half her leg.

Well you know what crazy media world? There are some of us who on a Sunday will look out the window and think, ooh sunshine! In ENGLAND! I must go out and dance merrily among the flowers and fight with semi naked, fat, sweaty men for a small spot of sun in the local park. Ooh I have a magical box that will record the [programme of your choice] I shall watch it this evening with a glass of sherry and some of that delightful foie gras I purchased in the week. You know what? I may even forget to take my phone with me (ooh rebel)!

After a delightful day of complaining it's too hot and there are too many people about and who the fuck brings their kids to the fucking park on a fucking sunday and lets them fucking be loud, you skip merrily upstairs and put the TV on. Oh, you left the TV on the channel that showed the [programme of your choice] and the news is on

"...and something terrible is happening that you should probably panic about right nowandinothernewsthewinnerof[insert programme of your choice here]was[name of someone relevant to your programme]"

WOAH! What the fuck stupid newsreader? You didn't give any warning or even pause for breath there!? Are you still pissed at me for saying your latest botex job made you look like Keaneu Reeve's emotionaly cripped brother? Did you hear me the other day when I was saying women of your age should grow old gracefully?

I get the fact your job is to deliver the news to people, but please can you do it in a way that doesn't make me frantically re-read Charlie and The Chocolate Factory to figure out how Wonka made that TV that transmits stuff so I can throw my shoe through the TV and hit you in your stupid shiny face.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 9:45, 1 reply)

Gladiators
I would definitely bring back Gladiators to our TV screens. All the hoodies and so called chavs would stay in on a Saturday night to watch it, and would channel their anger through the program. Some may even aspire to be Gladiators when they are older. I don't think people who go around causing trouble have anything to focus or or something to take their mind off of going around and acting like a knob. Gladiators is the one thing that could solve this.

As I youngster, my usual Saturday afternoon would consist of hanging out with mates, playing football, Hide and Seek in the woods and pegging it away from houses that we’d chosen to ‘Knock and Run’ on. Then it was home for dinner; a takeaway if I was lucky, which I would eat sat in front of the TV watching my favourite program at the time; Gladiators.

Gladiators was pretty fucking immense. John Fashanu (Awooga!) and Ulrika Jonsson brought a gentle nature to proceedings; needed when surrounded by numerous Gladiators with their unforgiving attitudes. John’s wacky outfits and banter was ripe picking for Ulrika, who would often bounce a witty response back with great aplomb to Fashanu’s attempt at humour. Oh how we would chuckle to ourselves in my front room; my Dad would always remark on Ulrika, “Cracking bird isn’t she, that Ulrika? She should still do the weather in the mornings”. I would giggle and my Mum would throw a cushion at him.

The contestants for the night’s show would then be revealed, including a short video clip of what they got up to in their normal everyday lives. I would take my empty plate out into the kitchen at this point; it was boring, I didn’t care what they did for a living. All I cared about were the Gladiators, they were my heroes, and in some cases, my wet dreams too. In no particular order, here is a list of my favourite Gladiators:

Lampshade – She was the star lady for me. Her bronzed skin was lit up beautifully by the down-lighting off the bulb attached to the top of her head, covered by  the lampshade she wore to cover her face. Nobody quite knew what the lampshade was for. Many of my friends had suggested maybe she was missing an eye, or had been badly disfigured by a dagger whilst in training to become a Gladiator. Her signature move was called ‘Lights Out’ and this would be used in the event called Hang Tough. She would basically kick the contestant hard in the back of the head as they hung from the rings, knocking them out, and at the same time to the floor, making her victorious.

Nightstalker- Not as muscular as many of the other male Gladiators, Nightstalker more than made up with this with his athletic body and devilish attitude. Nightstalker’s favourite event was The Gauntlet, and it was this event that gave him his moniker. Originally known as Gladiator X during training, Nightstalker shocked the producers of the show during The Gauntlet rehearsals by first choking his contestants with a silk neckerchief, before brutally raping them to submission. He famously received marriage proposals from the audience nearly every week, and also caused controversy when he made a small child eat the giant foam hand he was pointing at Nightstalker because he had called him an ‘angry idiot’.

Aeroplane– This was the woman that all my mates fancied. With her brunette hair, soft pretty face, long slim legs and peachy arse, Aeroplane was definitely the Gladiator pin-up. The only hindrance to her ability to perform as a Gladiator, was her massive 38EE breasts, which she struggled to contain in her lycra top. Her nipples were also erect most of the time, not that we cared. Aeroplane was great at the cargo net, and her celebration dance would be to raise one leg above her head and strum it with her hand, as if it was a banjo. Perhaps, to her eternal embarrassment, the one stand out memory that most Aeroplane fans will have of her is the time she did a small fanny fart whilst being interviewed by Fashanu. Through tears of laughter, he managed to shout ‘Awooga!’ before wafting the air in front of his nose.

Hunter – Hunter was always a formidable opponent for many of the contestants on Gladiators. With muscles on muscles, he resembled a condom filled with cocktail sausages, and with tribal war paint smeared all over his face, along with his menacing spear which he would use to stop people in their tracks, it was always a hell of a show when Hunter was on. One time, he threw his spear so hard, that it ripped through the shoulder of one male contender, and then carried on, wedging itself into The Awesome Travelator, rendering it useless for the Eliminator round. Instead, the two finalists had to have a head to head on a spacehopper. Hunter went on to play Dog the Bounty Hunter years later, where he would travel the globe in search of Bounties, as well as macaroons, body butter, and other coconut based products.

Amazon– The only Gladiator that was a household name prior to the series starting, Amazon was played by Sharon Davies, the successful Olympic swimmer. Her career as a Gladiator though was far from impressive, as the distinct lack of water based challenges meant she was about as useful as a ginger in a heatwave. In fact, such was the ease at which contenders would beat her, she soon became water boy for all of the other Gladiators. Once the first series was over, she went on to play Gabby Logan, when she was ill and couldn’t make a TV appearance.

Hippo – Only slightly smaller than Hunter, Hippo used a much different tactic during the rounds he competed. With his ebony skin, threatening sneer and bulging eyes it was a massive surprise to many to see that he was far from aggressive when it came to defeating his opponent. Rather than use brute force like all of the other Gladiators, Hippo would use charm and a softly spoken manner to talk contenders into a false sense of security, almost hypnotising them into a comatose state. It was a tactic since used by many, including Alison Hammond on This Morning. Hippo’s one standout moment came in series 2, when he drank four Panda Pops in a row before Duel, and still won.

Cumquat – Probably the most agile and flexible of all the Gladiators, Cumquat was also very attractive. One of my mates at the time had her posters plastered all over his bedroom. Her signature move was the Cumquat Squat, used to great effect on Powerball, where she would rugby tackle her opponents, pin them down, squat over their stomach and feign defecation (although the Gladiators make-up department was so far ahead of its time in the nineties that it looked realistic). The sheer fright of being shit on would cause many contenders to drop out of the competition altogether. Cumquat also excelled at Swingshot (my favourite round) due to her snake-like hips and ability to almost float through the air.

Golf –Golf was definitely the Gladiators’ pantomime villain. The audience would boo and hiss whenever he was on, but he was a really good Gladiator, particularly at The Wall. This was down to the fact he would use a driver, or sometimes a putter, to hook the legs of the contestants as they scarpered up the wall. In other rounds, he would take on the stature of a giant, by standing on the shoulders of his caddy. This was beneficial in rounds like Hang Tough where he could be hold onto the rings whilst his caddy stood on the floor. In fact, Golf was unbeaten on Hang Tough during his 6 year Gladiator stint. John Fashanu would always tease Golf, but it was all in jest and very good natured. Golf was such a popular Gladiator that whilst all of the others had ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ played after a victorious round of Hang Tough, Golf had his own version; ‘Another One Lands in the Sand.


So yeah, to summarise; bring back Gladiators.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 9:42, 2 replies)

Ask a qftw that directly encourages people to be reactionary halfwits
they didn't quite manage it all on their own every other fucking week.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 9:07, 3 replies)

How to solve the conflict in Northern Ireland
1) Scotland declares independence from the UK.
2) Wales declares independence from the UK.
3) England declares independence from the UK.

The UK now consists solely of Northern Ireland. They can sort it out their fucking selves.
(Dr Death's Malpractice Suit, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 8:58, Reply)

If you can't pass the 11+ at 22, you should be put down.

( 4Q just lurking, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 2:36, 4 replies)

Recognition for changing the world patiently.
Driving down the same country road month after month I always saw the same farmer in the same place in the same paddock doing the same thing... absolutely nothing. One day I stopped and asked him what he was doing there all this time. He said he was trying to win a nobel prize because he heard they were awarded to people out standing in their field.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 2:29, Reply)

Also
All the drivers moaning about cyclists: try spending three months riding through a city centre at rush hour every day before complaining. After that, feel free.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 2:10, 21 replies)

I got a few ideas
Guns for i phones: Go to places like Uganda and implement a scheme where they can swop one gun for one i phone.

Make everyone green: Basically i haven't figured out the science on this one but if through science you could make everyone the same colour then that would end racial hatred.

Lower the drinking and smoking age to four: Thusly getting rid of underage drinking and smoking over night.

I will await by the letterbox for my noble peace prize.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 2:10, 9 replies)

All copies of the bible, everywhere (And other holy books, where applicable)
To have inscribed in big, bold letters on the flyleaf:

"Which part of 'THOU SHALT NOT KILL' is so hard to understand?"
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 2:07, 1 reply)

Any celeb who moans in a magazine about how they have an awful life...
... because some trivial thing happened in their relationship, or to their £300,000 shoes, automatically forfeits all their money to someone who actually needs it.

Then the magazines will actually have something amusing to report on, as the spoiled brats try to work out what an overdraft is.

Also, anyone who sacrifices their own social life to go home and watch Eastenders should be forced to join a club which overlaps the timeslot.

And Deal Or No Deal's concept creator should be fired into the sun.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 1:52, Reply)

All pubs that own Kareoke machines should also own a piano.
This will encourage a good ol' fashioned knees up, and get more people interested in playing an instrument because it's 'fun', not 'snobby'. Requests are more interactive and you don't have to listen to the same poxy song 50 times. Just like kareoke, anyone can play or sing along, take it in turns, and if someone's crap you can take the piss.

With the unbreakable rule that any fecker playing chopsticks or the theme from Titanic has to eat a urinal cake. Actually, that rule should be enforced on any piano, not just the ones in pubs.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 1:44, 2 replies)

Accountability
Next time we read about a massive project that has been cancelled, say a system of regional centres for the fire service (a snip at £470 BASTARDING million) or a NHS computer system (£11 FUCKING billion), I would also like to see the names of the people who thought it would be a really good idea to waste all this money without giving it proper thought and what time they are being tarred and feathered on channel 5.

Hopefully with Keith Chegwin doing the show. He carried Noel Tidybeard on Swap Shop

Oh and people that live in the peace and quiet of the countryside should be given priority when BT roll out super high speed dogs bollocks intarwebs

like me :)
(bluetuba has a special friend in Blue Label Smirnoff, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 1:26, 1 reply)